The Hauntings of Night

The hardest time of day for me is after the sun goes down.  It's when I miss him and the old version of me.  It's when I remember how happy I was with him for the short amount of time that he was my companion.  Companion is a strange word because it can mean so many things.  I think that maybe year 3 of recovery is getting me down.

It's said that it takes 4-5 years to get over trauma because there is a period of grief if you lose someone as a result of the trauma.  I know that I have to let him go one day, but it took me so long to realize what type of relationship that I wanted and how happy that he made me that I don't believe that I will find that again.  I've never been an obvious choice for a companion.  I never mean lover/spouse/significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend.  I mean something more akin to a best friend.  Yes, some lovers are best friends and that is marvelous for those people, but for me they are separate things.  A companion is someone you share your life with.  In Grey's Anatomy it's "your person."  I don't have that anymore.  No one else considers me their person.

I can't replace him.  Maybe I'm not supposed to, but it's hardest at night.  I remember some of our conversations and the things that made my heart full. I know that I mattered to him and maybe I made him feel better for the short time we had.  Not everyone gets to be with the person that makes them whole forever.  That is why I wear the rose around my neck to remind me that I once had everything I needed.

I found the Doctor because of him.  That was the thing that kept me alive in the darkness was the Doctor.  It was really the gift of hope.  That's what Doctor Who is about, hope.  It's at night when I miss the things that changed my life.  It's when I'm haunted by his memory because that's when I realize that my heart is still broken.