Year 3

I'm on year 3 of trauma recovery.  The first year was about getting to a functional place, which was difficult.  The second year was about getting over the anger about what had happened to me.  I think year 3 is about dealing with the loss and the loneliness that it brings.  The hope in year 3 is to connect or reconnect with other people because the most difficult thing to admit after such a betrayal that I went through is, in fact, that I need other people.

I know year 2 is over because I'm not angry about what happened to me anymore.  I don't hate the people that caused it because they are ignorant and narrow minded.  Instead, I pity them.  Pity is the worst human emotion.  I pity them because most of them will never evolve beyond what they are and never see the world through a different lens.  They are stagnant and live in the dark.  They are part of the problem and for that I will never forgive them.  I also pity Rose because he is still there.  He deserves so much better, but he doesn't think he does.  Bottom line though is that I am over them.

Now, I know that I miss him.  He was such a huge part of my life and I put up a good fight because I lost him.  Now I'm working on trying to connect to people.  I'm friendly with people at work, but haven't really made any friends.  I know that pharmacy is a small world and I get  along with my coworkers and believe that I am admired by them.  I gained a lot of knowledge in a short amount of time.  I mean we did go on a social outing to Chipotle.  At least it was fun.

I think I forgot how to connect with people.  I think I am so bent on recovery that that has become my life.  I want to talk to this guy and be cool, but I keep messing it up.  I'm either quiet or am down when I see him.  I must admit that February is never a good month for me and it takes time for me to adjust to new things.  I know we like the same type of music and like to sing, but I am just awkward.  I also rarely see my friends because we're all so busy.  It's also difficult to do something in this place without money.  I have found free things to do, which helps.  I just want it to be warm again so maybe we can all get together and stay outside.

I think year 4 is about getting healthy, which means undoing all the physical harm and getting my weight back in check.  Right now though, I need to make connections again, but I know that it's going to be slow.  I know that nothing can replace what I had, but it's just a hole in me now.  I guess it's going to be a long year.