Was It Me?

It's a question that haunts me.  Was I the thing that was bad?  Were they right about me?  Why did he believe them over me?  It haunts me but the answers to all those questions are complicated.  The main answer for why I'm haunted by this is ignorance and stigma.  I have a depression that is caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  A majority of people with mental illness are not violent.  For people with depression it takes way too much energy to be violent.  So it wasn't me really that was bad it was their stupidity.

One day, I will post the memo they used to have me fired.  When I first saw it, I had read it before and it was in a museum.  It was essentially a witch accusation.  There is no defense once a majority of people belief a lie. That's how Salem happened.  Fear and ignorance take over the hearts of the stout of men.  He thought he was finally one of them, but what he failed to realize was that he would never be in the in crowd.  I never am and that's what makes me better.  He made the decision to leave everyone from deluded thinking brought on by bipolar disorder.

Of course I make mistakes.  He mattered so much to me because he was so supportive right up until he stopped believing me.  I always feel like it's me that messes things up, but it's not.  Yes, I miss him because he understood what it was like to have a never-ending illness.  For some people depression clears up, but not for me.  He understood that.  I wanted someone to go through life that understood.  Getting over him will take years because losing him was linked to the trauma from the bank. 

It's not that I don't appreciate my other friends, but he was there.  He made me realize what I was looking for.  A lot of my friends are finding their partners, getting married and having kids.  That's great for them, but it leaves me feeling more isolated because you're not as free to help when you are needed.  I'm your friend and I will always be sick to some degree.  The best I can hope for is to have things under control, but there is no hope of that without having a social support system.

I don't need judgement because I will heal in my own time.  I try to find other people, but they don't compare.  If you have your first child and aren't planning on having another, I can't relate to you because I will probably never have a kid.  If you're getting married, you're lucky you found someone because I might not.  If you've got all of that, then you are fantastic.  Right now, I'm here trying to move on and keep screwing up relationships because the one I really wanted, the one that made me feel complete, I lost.  I keep asking myself if it was my fault.  I know that it wasn't. 

I keep trying to build relationships, but I keep screwing up because nothing has come close to healing me.  I might as well be a time lord at this point because I think I'm too different from regular humans.  Maybe I'll never be close to anyone again.  Maybe that is the fall out from the trauma that I won't find another companion.

In This Moment

Last Monday was jam packed for me.  I went to work, saw 2 doctors, tutored and had dinner with a friend at a great Neo Asian Bistro.  After that, I was walking around the mall to work off a bit of the meal and some guys asked me a question.  They were probably student from the local state university, however, the question they asked me was simple yet complicated, "Are you happy?"  It's a yes or no question because it's close-ended.  It's complicated because I never have a straight forward answer for that as my mood varies depending on the season, the day, the position of the sun, etc.   After a few minutes discussion was ,"In this moment, yes I am."

Life is a series of moments and sometimes the happiness only lasts for one moment.  Today, for example, I was sad.  That's the problem with trauma recovery, sometimes you realize what you lost and then you get sad.  The situation depends on how long the sadness lasts.  I lost several friends because of evil bank, while I miss all of them, only one of them really hurts.  That's Rose.  There is an argument that I miss the idea of him or the way he made me feel and yes, I do miss the way he made me feel, but I miss him.  I knew him better than I knew anyone else and yet part of him was still hidden.  I miss the connection because we were the same, outsiders, who are in a constant struggle with themselves.  The Doctor always missed Rose because at the end of the day, they were the same yet could challenge each other.

So here I am, sitting in my apartment with it's white walls, thinking about moments of being happy and then all the other moments in between.  My moments of being happy are very rare, which seems unfortunate.  The happiest I felt was when I was on my swing.  I love swings and still love them.  I think I was always trying to chase that feeling my adult life.  It seems to be happy you find someone, get a job, buy a house and then have a family.  I always thought that there was more to life than that and I've seen people who have all that who a terribly miserable.  Perhaps the simple question of, "Are you happy?" really is quite complicated.  Content is probably a better word to use, but even then is anyone really content?  We all want something more.  Perhaps we all only have those moments of happiness.

In the moment I answered the question I was happy, but sometimes in the next I'm not.  I think we're all chasing happiness, but it doesn't always stay around.  I think happiness is the one thing that people don't give up on. 

Frustrated

I'm really frustrated with the fact that I'm not losing weight.  I probably should exercise more, but I think it's my thyroid that's holding me back.  I really hate the way my body is.  It does nothing that I want it to.  My hormones are off because of my thyroid.  The other downside is the exhaustion.  I have a bit more energy, but it's not the easiest thing in the world to fight it.  There has to be something better than just managing the symptoms.

I am following the diet of having more fruits and vegetables with lean meats.  I am more active than I have been yet the weight is still clinging.  I'm also eating a lot less than I have been in the past.  My mother said that potatoes are the reason why I'm not losing weight, but I don't eat those often either.

I know that my exercise is lacking.  However, every time I try to do intense exercise programs, my thyroid acts up and I end up having a thyroid episode where I gain a ton of weight.  The only exercise I can really do is yoga and walking.  I have a rotating schedule and an active job, so sometimes exercise is just not on the agenda. 

I don't know what else to do aside from divide up the exercise.  The nurse who is helping me with the program says that's she's not concerned with the number on the scale, but with my blood pressure, cholesterol level and energy level.  The problem is that I care about the number on the scale.