Was It Me?

It's a question that haunts me.  Was I the thing that was bad?  Were they right about me?  Why did he believe them over me?  It haunts me but the answers to all those questions are complicated.  The main answer for why I'm haunted by this is ignorance and stigma.  I have a depression that is caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  A majority of people with mental illness are not violent.  For people with depression it takes way too much energy to be violent.  So it wasn't me really that was bad it was their stupidity.

One day, I will post the memo they used to have me fired.  When I first saw it, I had read it before and it was in a museum.  It was essentially a witch accusation.  There is no defense once a majority of people belief a lie. That's how Salem happened.  Fear and ignorance take over the hearts of the stout of men.  He thought he was finally one of them, but what he failed to realize was that he would never be in the in crowd.  I never am and that's what makes me better.  He made the decision to leave everyone from deluded thinking brought on by bipolar disorder.

Of course I make mistakes.  He mattered so much to me because he was so supportive right up until he stopped believing me.  I always feel like it's me that messes things up, but it's not.  Yes, I miss him because he understood what it was like to have a never-ending illness.  For some people depression clears up, but not for me.  He understood that.  I wanted someone to go through life that understood.  Getting over him will take years because losing him was linked to the trauma from the bank. 

It's not that I don't appreciate my other friends, but he was there.  He made me realize what I was looking for.  A lot of my friends are finding their partners, getting married and having kids.  That's great for them, but it leaves me feeling more isolated because you're not as free to help when you are needed.  I'm your friend and I will always be sick to some degree.  The best I can hope for is to have things under control, but there is no hope of that without having a social support system.

I don't need judgement because I will heal in my own time.  I try to find other people, but they don't compare.  If you have your first child and aren't planning on having another, I can't relate to you because I will probably never have a kid.  If you're getting married, you're lucky you found someone because I might not.  If you've got all of that, then you are fantastic.  Right now, I'm here trying to move on and keep screwing up relationships because the one I really wanted, the one that made me feel complete, I lost.  I keep asking myself if it was my fault.  I know that it wasn't. 

I keep trying to build relationships, but I keep screwing up because nothing has come close to healing me.  I might as well be a time lord at this point because I think I'm too different from regular humans.  Maybe I'll never be close to anyone again.  Maybe that is the fall out from the trauma that I won't find another companion.