In This Moment

Last Monday was jam packed for me.  I went to work, saw 2 doctors, tutored and had dinner with a friend at a great Neo Asian Bistro.  After that, I was walking around the mall to work off a bit of the meal and some guys asked me a question.  They were probably student from the local state university, however, the question they asked me was simple yet complicated, "Are you happy?"  It's a yes or no question because it's close-ended.  It's complicated because I never have a straight forward answer for that as my mood varies depending on the season, the day, the position of the sun, etc.   After a few minutes discussion was ,"In this moment, yes I am."

Life is a series of moments and sometimes the happiness only lasts for one moment.  Today, for example, I was sad.  That's the problem with trauma recovery, sometimes you realize what you lost and then you get sad.  The situation depends on how long the sadness lasts.  I lost several friends because of evil bank, while I miss all of them, only one of them really hurts.  That's Rose.  There is an argument that I miss the idea of him or the way he made me feel and yes, I do miss the way he made me feel, but I miss him.  I knew him better than I knew anyone else and yet part of him was still hidden.  I miss the connection because we were the same, outsiders, who are in a constant struggle with themselves.  The Doctor always missed Rose because at the end of the day, they were the same yet could challenge each other.

So here I am, sitting in my apartment with it's white walls, thinking about moments of being happy and then all the other moments in between.  My moments of being happy are very rare, which seems unfortunate.  The happiest I felt was when I was on my swing.  I love swings and still love them.  I think I was always trying to chase that feeling my adult life.  It seems to be happy you find someone, get a job, buy a house and then have a family.  I always thought that there was more to life than that and I've seen people who have all that who a terribly miserable.  Perhaps the simple question of, "Are you happy?" really is quite complicated.  Content is probably a better word to use, but even then is anyone really content?  We all want something more.  Perhaps we all only have those moments of happiness.

In the moment I answered the question I was happy, but sometimes in the next I'm not.  I think we're all chasing happiness, but it doesn't always stay around.  I think happiness is the one thing that people don't give up on.