I'm Doing Everything Wrong

Well not everything, but I'm not following my wellness plan as well as I should be.  I'm on track with cooking, taking my meds and going to therapy, but that's it.  I'm not reading as much or seeing friends or doing enjoyable activities like coloring or drawing.  I'm also not eating too well or exercising.

My job does take up a lot of time as my average shift is 9 hours.  Right now, I'm so exhausted that my muscles physically ache from just working 8 days in a row.  I think this week alone I'm working 60 hours.  Nice on my checking account, but not on my body.  Work also makes it difficult to eat healthy.  We have some healthy options, but junk food is much cheaper.  While I was taking a shower this evening, I grabbed my belly and said that it would disappear if I lose 50 pounds.  I'd still be overweight, but I think I'd feel better about myself.  Also my knees would thank me. 

I have some friends at work and it's an enjoyable work environment, but I miss down time with my friends.  I finally hung out with Brianna for the first time in months because of our retail schedules.  As adults we have to make time by looking at our calendars and work schedules.  It is possible to do.  Even a cup of coffee counts.  It's 30 minutes.  I know that it can be done because I spent 2 hours watching documentaries on things that I already knew. 

My family lives far away, so I do rely on my friends quite a bit.  I met someone nice, who I really like.  Our dates are fun and we both know that we have our own issues.  He's someone that I could have a future with.  Yet, I'm coming to the realization that no one can replace Rose.  I miss the intensity and the openness.  Sometimes it was scary, but I was connected to someone.  He mattered to me, now I'm just here most nights alone.  I'm back to wasting a lot of time not doing anything.

The thing about depression is that is creeps up slowly and you're already in the middle of it when you finally realize what happened.  It's slow and quick all at once.  I think it's going to be a life long battle for me and it's going to require vigilance.  I hope that there is a treatment one day that makes it much easier to manage an illness like this.  I guess my wish for my 30th birthday would be to not be depressed.