I was moving too fast probably because I wanted to feel like an adult. I always feel like I'm behind my peers as many of them are getting married or having children. While I don't want to have children because of genetics and babies bore me, I do want to have someone to share my daily life with. The person I've been seeing is 25. What set me off was the fact that he said the he didn't think that he could fall for anyone. I have to admit that I thought the same way when I was 25, then I met Rose.
I believe that the guy saying that to me brought up the abandonment from Rose. I can't say that Rose made the wrong decision. I would probably have done the same thing. Memories that I had forgotten had returned to me. I know that this guy is not Rose because no one will be like Rose. After the guy said that I looked in a bathroom mirror where I felt fat and unattractive. I had internalized something that had nothing to do with me.
I went right back to the day Rose left. I cried for hours and rarely ate anything. I did end up cutting because it was the only way I could stop crying. I know that I should be more stable, but year 3 is about being sad. Things that remind me of the people I lost is more overwhelming that it would be for a normal functioning person. It's not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but the truth is that I have a broken heart.
Now the guy is being a bit distant, which is fair. We got way too close way too fast. I forgot that most relationships start out as friendships. At least that's what I'm told. I know that I need to take a step back because it was attraction that I felt and not love. I know that love is deeper and more meaningful. I don't think I can feel that after a few dates. Maybe I can slow down and try again. I do like this guy, so we'll see what happens.
For now, I will leave you with a speech from the Penny Dreadful, that reflects how I feel during this recovery.
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