There is No Reason

I've been dealing with depression in some way since I was about 12 years old.  Not sure if it was puberty that started it or low thyroid, either way, it doesn't matter.  Depression doesn't need a reason to exist.  It exists like cancer exists...because it does.  I've worked really hard to become some form of stable, but the depression doesn't really go away.

I know that there is beauty in the world and in life, but sometimes I just don't care.  Depression is very self centered and it lies.  I sometimes think that if I was 50 pounds lighter I'd be happy.  I was 50 pounds lighter in the past 18 years and that didn't make me any happier.  While being thinner will not make me happy, it would improve my overall health. 

I know the world can be a very ugly place.  There are whole groups of people that hate each other for a reason no one really remembers.  There are people getting murdered for no other reason than that they can be.  My depression makes me not care about the world, it makes me just want to sit and stare or sleep.  It takes all the good and enjoyable things and turns them hollow. Cooking, eating, sex, baths, reading, etc, whatever it is just doesn't hold any interest.   This is something that takes great effort to fight.

I have good days and bad days.  Something can trigger my depression to go from almost non existent to full blown.  Usually it has to do with losing friends or potential relationships.  Part of that is because I haven't gotten over Rose.  When it's too much, I write to him.  It's a letter he will never read, but it makes me feel better. 

What set me off this time was that I was seeing a guy, who I really liked, I thought everything was going well and we were on the same page.  Suddenly he decided that he only wanted friends.  I have friends and I think it's harder to be my friend.  I expect a lot of my friends.  They are the ones that deal directly with my bad days.  This guy believes that he can't fall in love.  I didn't think I could I was 25, then I met Rose.  I think he's going through a lot at the moment and I should be more understanding, but the truth is that I'm devastated.  It seemed like we were making plans, but then I'm back to being someone that is not a priority.  I had such hopes.  I felt like pre-trauma me where I could be playful and loving.  Maybe that part of me can come back, but I need someone to draw it out of me.  I'm not like that with most people.

For now, it's back to being the loneliest person in the universe.  I have to get my finances back in order, start making more money and maybe gaining my health back.  Depression will be there, but I just have to get back on track.  Maybe no dating or looking for anyone for a while.