I Have Been

"I have been and always shall be your friend."  That is one of the most powerful quotes I've ever heard and it was first said by Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as he was dying, having saved the Enterprise.  Leonard Nimoy passed away today at the age of 83.  All I could think of when I heard the news was that line followed by Admiral Kirk's simple, "No." 

So why, out of every quote in every fandom, do I always remember this one line?  It's because real friendships never die.  They survive even death itself.  I actual used that line in my last letter to Rose.  I meant it too.  He may not care for me anymore, but I shall always be his friend.  That line while poignant always leaves me with a slightly empty feeling.  Maybe because one person is gone, but the whole world seems empty.  I miss my friend because that's what he will always be.

I also think that Leonard Nimoy delivered the most memorable scene in all of Star Trek because it illustrates how important friendship is.  These were two people, Kirk and Spock, whose friendship they relied on.  They accomplished so much together.  Sometimes I think people forget how important friendships are.  Some friendships can change your life and it doesn't matter how brief the friendship is because that is a relationship, that at its heart, is the most human.

I would just like to thank Mr. Nimoy for that beautifully delivered line.  It has been one of the defining scenes of my life.  You will be missed.

We Should Talk About It

Everyone knows that the Oscars always have a political element to them, which is why Selma won for best song.  The politics of the Oscars is not what I want to talk about.  I want to talk about the people who openly talked about suicide.  There was a short documentary winner who lost her son to suicide and said we need to talk about it.  Then there was Graham Moore who wrote an amazing screenplay about Alan Turing, who is a suspected victim of suicide because he was different.  Suicide needs to be addressed and talked about in more than just hushed tones.

I have been the weird kid.  I've always been different and felt like I haven't belonged anywhere.  I'm still trying to figure out where I belong.  I think I finally found a job that I really enjoy, but I still have dreams of a museum to be created, books to write and a nonprofit to run.  However, there are days when I don't think life is really worth living (sorry parents). 

I wanted to write about how you as a friend/family member/co worker can help someone that is possibly feeling so down or in so much pain that dying looks like a better option.  First let's starts with some statistics.  It's approximated that 1 in 4 adults has a mental illness of some kind (Loving Someone with a Mental Illness).  Also, Suicide claims the lives of over 39,000 people every year, which is higher than cancer and car accidents (USA Today), yet we don't talk about suicide because of the stigma.  We, as a society, don't do much to prevent this problem.

Since many people aren't engineers who can prevent exhaust on cars or people that create apps to crisis centers or are in the mental health profession, what can a regular person do for someone that is talking or thinking about suicide?  There is quite a lot you can do to help someone.

1) Listen to the person in a nonjudgmental way.  Do not tell the person that they are being selfish because the person honestly believes that everyone in the world, their family, their friends, their kids would be better off without them.

2) Get the person out of the house if possible.

3) If you can't listen refer them to a crisis chat like 1-800-273-TALK or if you are an employer your company's Employee Assistance Program.

4) If it's a crisis call 911 or get the local hospital's crisis team to the person.

5) Sit with them. 

6) Put on a funny movie

7) Bring over paints, paper or a sketch pad and let them draw or paint out their feelings.

8) Take them out for a meal.  They should eat something because odds are they don't want to.

9) Pick up the phone.  A text is not the same as a human voice.

10) Take them for a walk.  Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, anxiety and depression.

This is in no way a definitive list of ways to help, but I believe that we need to talk about suicide because it is preventable.  The worst things that you can do is judge and/or do nothing.   You can help someone.  Talk about suicide.  Don't stay silent!

The Heart

The lore is that the source of all feeling is the heart.  While medically this is untrue losing someone makes one's heart hurt.  Valentine's day is coming and it's a day that I dislike because sometimes it reminds me of how lonely I am.  Not sure if it's just the time of year that reminds me of this loneliness or if it's the fact that many others are celebrating that they love someone. 

I've only had one real relationship and like many relationships, distance and differences ended that.  He was a very kind man, but we didn't have very much in common in the end.  I think a lot of people don't see me.  I know that I'm different and sometimes difficult, but that doesn't mean that I should be any less valued.

What I really want is a romantic friend.  I've never been a great lover.  I want someone to cuddle with and share my life with.  I had that once and that is why I wear a rosebud around my neck.  I know that he cared deeply for me and for a short time I mattered to someone who mattered to me.  I hope that I can get that again.

This Valentine's is another that I will spend watching everyone else celebrate their love and I will be going on as if it is a normal Saturday off.  However, Sunday is 50% off candy day!

There is Life After Trauma

Sometimes I can't believe that I'm still here.  I was put through a horrific trauma caused by my former job, which they kept re-traumatizing me because of their ignorance.  Recovery is a winding, imperfect trajectory.  It's been 2 years since Doomsday and my life overall is pretty good.  There is life after a trauma.

I won't rehash all that the bank did.  That's already been written about on this blog.  See Doomsday for the events of the day that changed me life.  So what has happened that makes me feel like I've changed my view on life?  I got a decent job and got a roommate.

I went to therapy today as I usually do because I go on a regular basis.  My depression is caused by a physical illness, which means it's always there.  It was compounded by the situation caused by the bank.  Now, I'm much better than I was 2 years ago.  It takes 4-5 years to get over trauma.  It will still hurt and I will always miss Rose, but it won't be as raw. Basically 2-3 years to go.

One thing that happened the other day was there was this "friend" who told me that I loved to talk about myself and only about myself.  That was deeply hurtful because I have never thought of myself as self-absorbed.  Everyone is selfish to a degree because that's human nature, however, I do a lot of things for other people.  I am involved with more love letters.  I teach Sunday School, which is essentially a volunteer position.  I have a job where I help people who are sick.  Though it might be a minor part, I still help people.  I really want friends, but I need the supportive nonjudgmental ones.   I don't believe that I will be talking to this person anymore because she was wrong.  I'm not all about me, she was upset because when she wanted to hang out, I wasn't all about her and available.

So life goes on after a trauma.  It isn't easy and I never thought I'd even make it this far.  It's not a constant struggle anymore, but I still have dark days.  There is so much to look forward to in the next few years.  My life isn't a rose garden, but I'm in the process of getting to OK.