Being My Friend Isn't Fun

I was working on a different post, but the words weren't coming out.  I was laying awake last night and then I thought that being my friend really isn't that  much fun.  I don't like my body, I suffer from depression and I need people.  There is a loneliness that lives in me and has been there since I was a child because I am different.  So why am I writing this?  I had a fight with a friend and didn't really know how to respond to what she said.

I'm in year 3 of trauma recovery and that's worse than the previous two years just because I realized what I lost.  I lost Rose because of a company deciding what was morally correct.  I lost Keri and Jen because I was causing too much drama.  I lost Meg because I couldn't get out of depression in a timely manner.  The thing is that I haven't gained a lot back. 

It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, but it's a lot harder living with episodic depression because it's not something that I get to overcome.  It comes back slowly and all of a sudden.  Rose understood that and would sit with me and talk.  Rose had children, friends, a career and a life, but he made time for me because to him I was important.  We supported each other.  I miss him.  Not the idea of him, not the way he made me feel, but him.  All of him, his stupid sense of humor, his humanity, his insanity and his ability to make people better.  I wish he knew that that was his real talent. He made me happy for a time.

It's so easy to get caught up in our own lives with school, work and kids.  In fact most of my friends are getting married or are having/had their first child.  With the first child it seems that a person is so into their kid that that is all they can talk about.  It's a niche hobby that only you and 5 other people are totally into.  I don't care that your kid sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."  It's not important in anyone else's life, but yours and that's great for you. I love that my friends Geof and Bela, who are on their 4th kid (apparently you guys dislike sleep), don't talk about their kids all day long because as Geof said, "they are only marginally interesting."  I know that they love their children, but they don't need to post things about them all the time.  I'm not at the place where I can talk about children because it may not happen.  Babies might as well be aliens.  In fact, my pharmacy manager let me watch her newborn for 10 minutes.  It was super easy because the baby was totally passed out.  Aside from the fact he was tiny, he was uninteresting.  Again, he was like a niche hobby for his parents, though his mother probably wants to come back to work.  I'm almost tempted to quote the doctor by saying I've never had a life like that.

That might make me a terrible friend, but I can't relate to what you are going through by being a parent for a young kid.  I'm not telling you to not post pictures and videos of your children, but you can always talk about other things.  Right now, my niche hobby is my recovery and this year is about missing people.  It's not pretty or fun, it's actually rather lonely.  When I say I miss Rose, I'm saying I'm lonely because my friend made me feel full.  He made me feel happy and complete, which is a break for someone like me who is usually lonely.  It doesn't help saying that I should move on or get over it.  I will move on in my own time, but I may never "get over" him.  I'll move on because that's what happens in life, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him.  Also don't tell me that maybe you don't belong in my life.  That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to someone who is already depressed. 

I try to make time for other people if I get invited to things, but it seems like I get invited out very little.  Once I'm out I'm great.  At home alone, usually at night, it's not fun to be my friend.  That's when I realize I'm lonely.  You can ask Gina how many letters I have written to her in the middle of the night.  Gina came with me to the aquarium because I wanted to do something where I could have fun.  Jill came too and drove .  Gina made a video of our trip, which I was so grateful for (it's above).  I need more social things.  They both know that I miss Rose, but they did something cool so that we could spend time together.

It does suck to be my friend sometimes because right now, I have a broken heart and I miss people.  Sometimes all you have to do is sit and listen.  I'm trying to rebuild and it's hell.  I'm glad that many people have found the lights in their lives through spouses and children, but I don't have that.  Just remember that it's not because you aren't important, it's just that I'm lonely and I miss the person that made me stop being lonely. 

New thing:  adding an activity that is being done at the end of each post whether it be a recipe completed, a book finished or drawing.

Today's activity:  Finished Reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA.