I'm feeling a lot of shame about my money problems, but don't like asking for help. I have a lot of debt hanging over me and my paycheck really only covers my bills. It's so bad this month that I couldn't buy food.
The only good thing about the food is that I have kind of prepared for this. My parents bought me frozen and canned food just so that I would have a back up. I have bought things along the way as well. I may end up on a diet of soup, rice and tea, but I have food to eat in the meantime. The good thing about my job is that if there is left over food from the meetings, the rest of the staff can eat the left overs. Also, one of the pharmacists brings dinner for her closing staff, so I eat that way occasionally. So basically, I won't starve.
The worst part is that I don't have the money to go out with my friends. The reason why it's killing me because I need people to be around. My roommate is usually in his room and I only see him if he needs to eat or when he gets home from work. I can't go to the Renaissance Fair this year because I can't afford it. I can't go out to dinner because it's too much money and I don't want my friends to keep paying for me.
I have been doing extra tutoring so that I get a bit of extra income. I can't ask my parents for money because they are on a fixed income and have to pay for some stuff with my brother's wedding. My brother gave me money for Hanukkah, which helped because it paid for a car repair. I'm going to start trying to get nationally certified as a pharmacy technician, so that I can make extra money.
It's getting to the point where I may ask my friends for my 30th birthday to get me things that I need or gift cards for things that I need. I'm going to need foundation this year and probably grocery store gift cards. I will also need a new pair of shoes for work. I would also appreciate something to take care of myself like an eyebrow wax or a mani-pedi.
Being an adult is not fun.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
Do You Know Their Names?
I don't normally weigh in on current events, but this has been bothering me. The South Carolina Church shooting was appalling, but what is nagging me more is that I don't know any of the victims' names. I know the alledged shooter's name, but refuse to use it because if I say his name, I let him win. People will have all these theories as to why the shootings happened, which I'll get into in a bit, but the bottom line is that everyone knows his name, but does anyone know one name from the victims?
I live in CT, in fact, I live in a town the borders Newtown. The Sandy Hook shootings happened less than 3 years ago. There were 26 victims, do you know any of their names? I don't know all of them, but I know a few, which is good. I will never say the shooter's name because he doesn't deserve to be remembered. Newtown has razed his former house and have razed the school as well in an attempt to move on. Even the shooter's brother wants nothing to do with it as he had the lawyer sell the house for $1 to the town. The killer, whatever his reasons, doesn't deserve to be known or infamous as it turns out, because he did nothing to make the world better.
In Judaism, we say the names of the dead publicly because there may not be anyone left to remember them. The names of all the victims of the church, of Sandy Hook, of Virginia Tech, of Columbine, of Oklahoma City etc., get one line in national and international media, while everything else focuses on the killer. The how and the why. It was one of the Columbine killers who wrote in his manifesto (for lack of a better word), that he will forever be known for committing something so heinous. That is why I don't use their names because they are now famous and their victims are slowly forgotten except by those who love them. Even if there is an article about how one of the victims are being remembered, where it's a foundation, a shelter or a scholarship in their name, there is always a line about their killer. It's disgraceful.
We shouldn't even care why these things happen anymore. It boils down to the same thing, person gets gun and shoots a bunch of people because he can and then gets known for it. It could be because of drugs, they are racist, angry, mentally ill or just evil; it doesn't matter. Remember the ones that died because their lives, their stories mattered. They had hopes, loves and dreams that were stolen from them by a person, for what ultimately ends up being no reason at all. So don't try to find a reason, just know the names of the better people.
Remember these people:
I live in CT, in fact, I live in a town the borders Newtown. The Sandy Hook shootings happened less than 3 years ago. There were 26 victims, do you know any of their names? I don't know all of them, but I know a few, which is good. I will never say the shooter's name because he doesn't deserve to be remembered. Newtown has razed his former house and have razed the school as well in an attempt to move on. Even the shooter's brother wants nothing to do with it as he had the lawyer sell the house for $1 to the town. The killer, whatever his reasons, doesn't deserve to be known or infamous as it turns out, because he did nothing to make the world better.
In Judaism, we say the names of the dead publicly because there may not be anyone left to remember them. The names of all the victims of the church, of Sandy Hook, of Virginia Tech, of Columbine, of Oklahoma City etc., get one line in national and international media, while everything else focuses on the killer. The how and the why. It was one of the Columbine killers who wrote in his manifesto (for lack of a better word), that he will forever be known for committing something so heinous. That is why I don't use their names because they are now famous and their victims are slowly forgotten except by those who love them. Even if there is an article about how one of the victims are being remembered, where it's a foundation, a shelter or a scholarship in their name, there is always a line about their killer. It's disgraceful.
We shouldn't even care why these things happen anymore. It boils down to the same thing, person gets gun and shoots a bunch of people because he can and then gets known for it. It could be because of drugs, they are racist, angry, mentally ill or just evil; it doesn't matter. Remember the ones that died because their lives, their stories mattered. They had hopes, loves and dreams that were stolen from them by a person, for what ultimately ends up being no reason at all. So don't try to find a reason, just know the names of the better people.
Remember these people:
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Going Broke to Get Better
I am kind of broke. I make enough to pay my mandatory bills, but not enough to put money into savings or pay off my credit cards. Sorry, parents, I didn't want you to worry about my finances, but being an adult is difficult. What is the reason for my credit card debt? It really is down to 2 things: medical expenses and car repairs.
The problem is that a lot of my medications, especially the Advair and Pristiq because they are name brand, which makes them more expensive. Luckily, the Advair, I only take for 3 months out of the year, but they have coupons for them. The major problem is that I need a methylfolate because I am missing an enzyme that breaks down folic acid. Apparently as much as 70% of the population has this genetic mutation http://www.methyl-life.com/). This is what is making me tired. It's not the sugar or my thyroid that causes the low energy, it's that folate that I'm lacking. The downside is that the methylfolate is expensive. It's available as a prescription, which my insurance doesn't cover or I can get it online for $57-$75 for a 90 day supply. I have gone without it and that is why I'm not active.
The other thing about my medical expenses is having a deductible. My deductible is $1500 a year with a total out of pocket expense of $3000, which is separate. So I have a total of $4500 that I have to pay out of pocket a year on my medical plan. This is not making health care affordable. Though this year I won't have as many medical tests as I did last year, but I still won't be able to afford my allergy shots or jaw surgery. I might get my moles removed in this calendar year. However, I'm sure that will take care of most of my deductible. Luckily, my company gives me $1000 a year in my HSA and I put in $600. However, I just paid off all my outstanding bills from last year and only have $63 is my account after they gave me $550.
My monthly therapy bill during my deductible is between $57 and $114. So that eats a lot of money for me, but it is necessary for me to get better along with my medication. However, one of the components that I need to get better is socialization. The problem is that there are not a lot of free things that I can do here. Plus there is scheduling.
If someone wants to help me, having a cooking session with me. Come over have some wine or whiskey and bake some bread. I want to be a decent cook and have a lot to learn. Food is a social thing, which is why restaurants exist. I mean we can make pasta with an English cheddar sauce for all I care, but come an hang out. That's the best thing you can do for someone with depression is just spend time with them. Right now, I don't have money to go see movies unless it's at the discount theater. I also don't have money to go out to restaurants unless I plan for it because my medical bills are the craziest things.
I am trying to get back to a good place, but I can't do it alone. Part of my problem is the money. I am literally going broke to get better.
Activity: Made a salad of Persian cucumber, Vidalia onion, Mozzarella, couscous and red wine vinaigrette.
The problem is that a lot of my medications, especially the Advair and Pristiq because they are name brand, which makes them more expensive. Luckily, the Advair, I only take for 3 months out of the year, but they have coupons for them. The major problem is that I need a methylfolate because I am missing an enzyme that breaks down folic acid. Apparently as much as 70% of the population has this genetic mutation http://www.methyl-life.com/). This is what is making me tired. It's not the sugar or my thyroid that causes the low energy, it's that folate that I'm lacking. The downside is that the methylfolate is expensive. It's available as a prescription, which my insurance doesn't cover or I can get it online for $57-$75 for a 90 day supply. I have gone without it and that is why I'm not active.
The other thing about my medical expenses is having a deductible. My deductible is $1500 a year with a total out of pocket expense of $3000, which is separate. So I have a total of $4500 that I have to pay out of pocket a year on my medical plan. This is not making health care affordable. Though this year I won't have as many medical tests as I did last year, but I still won't be able to afford my allergy shots or jaw surgery. I might get my moles removed in this calendar year. However, I'm sure that will take care of most of my deductible. Luckily, my company gives me $1000 a year in my HSA and I put in $600. However, I just paid off all my outstanding bills from last year and only have $63 is my account after they gave me $550.
My monthly therapy bill during my deductible is between $57 and $114. So that eats a lot of money for me, but it is necessary for me to get better along with my medication. However, one of the components that I need to get better is socialization. The problem is that there are not a lot of free things that I can do here. Plus there is scheduling.
If someone wants to help me, having a cooking session with me. Come over have some wine or whiskey and bake some bread. I want to be a decent cook and have a lot to learn. Food is a social thing, which is why restaurants exist. I mean we can make pasta with an English cheddar sauce for all I care, but come an hang out. That's the best thing you can do for someone with depression is just spend time with them. Right now, I don't have money to go see movies unless it's at the discount theater. I also don't have money to go out to restaurants unless I plan for it because my medical bills are the craziest things.
I am trying to get back to a good place, but I can't do it alone. Part of my problem is the money. I am literally going broke to get better.
Activity: Made a salad of Persian cucumber, Vidalia onion, Mozzarella, couscous and red wine vinaigrette.
Friday, June 12, 2015
I Wish Jamie was My Friend
I finished reading Jamie Tworkowski's book, If You Feel Too Much, a couple of weeks ago and I completely loved it. Jamie is the founder of TWLOHA (To Write Love on Her Arms), which is mental health nonprofit. You can visit their website, www.twloha.com to find out more about them. I bought the book because his post, "There is Still Some Time," which is probably one of the most meaningful things I have ever read (read it here). It was posted on the day that Robin Williams took his own life, which shocked everyone. It was a great post and reflected all that I had felt from the last year and a half, but it wasn't till after I finished the entire book that I wished that Jamie was my friend.
I hadn't heard of TWLOHA until a coworker from several years ago noticed I was struggling with my own depression and at that time I didn't know what was causing it. It was mild, but my self injury was bad. I was basically a mess. One day, she told me that she had what I needed, she took off her pink TWLOHA rubber bracelet and put it on my wrist. She told me she'd get another one in blue, but to wear the pink one until she got the other one. I still have the blue rubber bracelet and wear it when I need extra strength when I'm feeling low. I think that's the best gift, was letting me know that I wasn't alone. I have used TWOLHA site to find help, encouragement and information when I needed it.
You can learn a lot about a writer from their style and what they right about. I think it's brave of Jamie to show that he struggles with depression. I noticed throughout the book he uses I in lowercase and consistently does so. If I was a trained psychologist, I could draw some conclusions, but I won't. The thing that came across in the book is that Jamie is not a saint, he struggles, has lost friends, fought with friends and got them back, mostly Jamie is human and it's OK to be human.
I'll probably never meet Jamie and if I did, I don't think he would notice me. I don't catch anyone's eye, I'm not beautiful or thin or have a great smile. I'm funny, a hard worker and unique, but I don't think I stand out. Not in the way that would make someone brave like he described while meeting Dree Hemingway. The only thing that we probably have in common is the desire to help people with mental health issues get better.
However, I do wish Jamie was my friend because he probably understands the ups and downs of life and would be the person to tell me that it's OK to have a broken heart. Other people think I should have moved on already, but there is something missing now that I can't describe. I'm rebuilding my life, but it's quite a lonely process. Maybe I just want someone to talk to.
I learned a lot about Jamie and TWLOHA from his book and I wish he was my friend.
I hadn't heard of TWLOHA until a coworker from several years ago noticed I was struggling with my own depression and at that time I didn't know what was causing it. It was mild, but my self injury was bad. I was basically a mess. One day, she told me that she had what I needed, she took off her pink TWLOHA rubber bracelet and put it on my wrist. She told me she'd get another one in blue, but to wear the pink one until she got the other one. I still have the blue rubber bracelet and wear it when I need extra strength when I'm feeling low. I think that's the best gift, was letting me know that I wasn't alone. I have used TWOLHA site to find help, encouragement and information when I needed it.
You can learn a lot about a writer from their style and what they right about. I think it's brave of Jamie to show that he struggles with depression. I noticed throughout the book he uses I in lowercase and consistently does so. If I was a trained psychologist, I could draw some conclusions, but I won't. The thing that came across in the book is that Jamie is not a saint, he struggles, has lost friends, fought with friends and got them back, mostly Jamie is human and it's OK to be human.
I'll probably never meet Jamie and if I did, I don't think he would notice me. I don't catch anyone's eye, I'm not beautiful or thin or have a great smile. I'm funny, a hard worker and unique, but I don't think I stand out. Not in the way that would make someone brave like he described while meeting Dree Hemingway. The only thing that we probably have in common is the desire to help people with mental health issues get better.
However, I do wish Jamie was my friend because he probably understands the ups and downs of life and would be the person to tell me that it's OK to have a broken heart. Other people think I should have moved on already, but there is something missing now that I can't describe. I'm rebuilding my life, but it's quite a lonely process. Maybe I just want someone to talk to.
I learned a lot about Jamie and TWLOHA from his book and I wish he was my friend.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Being My Friend Isn't Fun
I was working on a different post, but the words weren't coming out. I was laying awake last night and then I thought that being my friend really isn't that much fun. I don't like my body, I suffer from depression and I need people. There is a loneliness that lives in me and has been there since I was a child because I am different. So why am I writing this? I had a fight with a friend and didn't really know how to respond to what she said.
I'm in year 3 of trauma recovery and that's worse than the previous two years just because I realized what I lost. I lost Rose because of a company deciding what was morally correct. I lost Keri and Jen because I was causing too much drama. I lost Meg because I couldn't get out of depression in a timely manner. The thing is that I haven't gained a lot back.
It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, but it's a lot harder living with episodic depression because it's not something that I get to overcome. It comes back slowly and all of a sudden. Rose understood that and would sit with me and talk. Rose had children, friends, a career and a life, but he made time for me because to him I was important. We supported each other. I miss him. Not the idea of him, not the way he made me feel, but him. All of him, his stupid sense of humor, his humanity, his insanity and his ability to make people better. I wish he knew that that was his real talent. He made me happy for a time.
It's so easy to get caught up in our own lives with school, work and kids. In fact most of my friends are getting married or are having/had their first child. With the first child it seems that a person is so into their kid that that is all they can talk about. It's a niche hobby that only you and 5 other people are totally into. I don't care that your kid sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." It's not important in anyone else's life, but yours and that's great for you. I love that my friends Geof and Bela, who are on their 4th kid (apparently you guys dislike sleep), don't talk about their kids all day long because as Geof said, "they are only marginally interesting." I know that they love their children, but they don't need to post things about them all the time. I'm not at the place where I can talk about children because it may not happen. Babies might as well be aliens. In fact, my pharmacy manager let me watch her newborn for 10 minutes. It was super easy because the baby was totally passed out. Aside from the fact he was tiny, he was uninteresting. Again, he was like a niche hobby for his parents, though his mother probably wants to come back to work. I'm almost tempted to quote the doctor by saying I've never had a life like that.
That might make me a terrible friend, but I can't relate to what you are going through by being a parent for a young kid. I'm not telling you to not post pictures and videos of your children, but you can always talk about other things. Right now, my niche hobby is my recovery and this year is about missing people. It's not pretty or fun, it's actually rather lonely. When I say I miss Rose, I'm saying I'm lonely because my friend made me feel full. He made me feel happy and complete, which is a break for someone like me who is usually lonely. It doesn't help saying that I should move on or get over it. I will move on in my own time, but I may never "get over" him. I'll move on because that's what happens in life, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him. Also don't tell me that maybe you don't belong in my life. That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to someone who is already depressed.
I try to make time for other people if I get invited to things, but it seems like I get invited out very little. Once I'm out I'm great. At home alone, usually at night, it's not fun to be my friend. That's when I realize I'm lonely. You can ask Gina how many letters I have written to her in the middle of the night. Gina came with me to the aquarium because I wanted to do something where I could have fun. Jill came too and drove . Gina made a video of our trip, which I was so grateful for (it's above). I need more social things. They both know that I miss Rose, but they did something cool so that we could spend time together.
It does suck to be my friend sometimes because right now, I have a broken heart and I miss people. Sometimes all you have to do is sit and listen. I'm trying to rebuild and it's hell. I'm glad that many people have found the lights in their lives through spouses and children, but I don't have that. Just remember that it's not because you aren't important, it's just that I'm lonely and I miss the person that made me stop being lonely.
New thing: adding an activity that is being done at the end of each post whether it be a recipe completed, a book finished or drawing.
Today's activity: Finished Reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA.
I'm in year 3 of trauma recovery and that's worse than the previous two years just because I realized what I lost. I lost Rose because of a company deciding what was morally correct. I lost Keri and Jen because I was causing too much drama. I lost Meg because I couldn't get out of depression in a timely manner. The thing is that I haven't gained a lot back.
It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, but it's a lot harder living with episodic depression because it's not something that I get to overcome. It comes back slowly and all of a sudden. Rose understood that and would sit with me and talk. Rose had children, friends, a career and a life, but he made time for me because to him I was important. We supported each other. I miss him. Not the idea of him, not the way he made me feel, but him. All of him, his stupid sense of humor, his humanity, his insanity and his ability to make people better. I wish he knew that that was his real talent. He made me happy for a time.
It's so easy to get caught up in our own lives with school, work and kids. In fact most of my friends are getting married or are having/had their first child. With the first child it seems that a person is so into their kid that that is all they can talk about. It's a niche hobby that only you and 5 other people are totally into. I don't care that your kid sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." It's not important in anyone else's life, but yours and that's great for you. I love that my friends Geof and Bela, who are on their 4th kid (apparently you guys dislike sleep), don't talk about their kids all day long because as Geof said, "they are only marginally interesting." I know that they love their children, but they don't need to post things about them all the time. I'm not at the place where I can talk about children because it may not happen. Babies might as well be aliens. In fact, my pharmacy manager let me watch her newborn for 10 minutes. It was super easy because the baby was totally passed out. Aside from the fact he was tiny, he was uninteresting. Again, he was like a niche hobby for his parents, though his mother probably wants to come back to work. I'm almost tempted to quote the doctor by saying I've never had a life like that.
That might make me a terrible friend, but I can't relate to what you are going through by being a parent for a young kid. I'm not telling you to not post pictures and videos of your children, but you can always talk about other things. Right now, my niche hobby is my recovery and this year is about missing people. It's not pretty or fun, it's actually rather lonely. When I say I miss Rose, I'm saying I'm lonely because my friend made me feel full. He made me feel happy and complete, which is a break for someone like me who is usually lonely. It doesn't help saying that I should move on or get over it. I will move on in my own time, but I may never "get over" him. I'll move on because that's what happens in life, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him. Also don't tell me that maybe you don't belong in my life. That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to someone who is already depressed.
It does suck to be my friend sometimes because right now, I have a broken heart and I miss people. Sometimes all you have to do is sit and listen. I'm trying to rebuild and it's hell. I'm glad that many people have found the lights in their lives through spouses and children, but I don't have that. Just remember that it's not because you aren't important, it's just that I'm lonely and I miss the person that made me stop being lonely.
New thing: adding an activity that is being done at the end of each post whether it be a recipe completed, a book finished or drawing.
Today's activity: Finished Reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA.
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