I'm Not There Yet

I see that many of my friends pair off and start having families.  The truth is that, for me, I'm not there yet.  I suffered a trauma 2 and half years ago , which is taking a lot of time to overcome.  It is almost unimaginable for me to be having a family let alone a partner because I'm not to the point where I'm stable enough to be there for another person.  At least not in the way that I imagine a relationship to be. 

I don't really want to have a child, who will realize that mommy is sad and irritable.  I also don't want a partner who thinks that I don't love him because I will always miss Rose.  It's nice to see that people are progressing in their lives, but I'm not there yet.  The upside is that I am getting better, so that I can be capable of these things in the future. 

I don't have as many bad days as I have in the past, but there are still more than I would like.  I'm not in the greatest shape weight wise.  I'm not losing weight to get a date.  I'm losing weight for me, so that I can feel good about myself.  It does hurt me that people don't come to some of the parties that I have anymore.  I know that people have other priorities now or are knee deep in diapers or their significant other, but you are still you and are allowed to have your own life.

I'm not to the point where my friends are not the most important thing in my life.  I don't have a tiny being to take care of or anyone else.  It's just me and I'm not there yet.  My friends have always meant a great deal to me and I think I have a greater attachment to them than they do to me.  I miss the pub culture of England.  Maybe it's just the fact that I live in New England that's the problem.

I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet.

I've Come to Accept

I've come to accept that I will probably never be thin or have a thigh gap.

I've come to accept that I have depression and it's permanent.  It will have times when it will go into remission, but it will always be there.

I've come to accept that I will always miss Rose.  Not in a bone crushing sad way, but in the that I wish he was still around.

I've come to the realization that I will never base my self-worth on how much money I have or that my career prospects are.

I'm ok if I never really have a "career."

I've come to realize that I do need to exercise everyday.

I've come to accept that vegetables are necessary, but I wish they tasted better.  I am partial to carrots and ranch dip.

I've come to realize that I need to see more people.

I've come to realize that my talents need to be practiced.  Working on photography, painting and writing.

I've come to accept that sometimes I need help.

I've come to accept that a PhD will be my life long goal.

I've come to realize what are luxuries and what are not.  I still have to wait to buy eggs and do laundry.

I've come to accept that not everyone is as smart as me.  Sometimes that astounds me.

Sometimes I wish I made enough to live the life I wanted. 

I've come to realize that some things are needed before wants.  I need a mattress protector before I get a sewing machine. 

The Bad Days

I don't have bad days very often anymore, but when I do they are heinous and recovery from them takes about 4 days.  The reason why I had a bad was because I ran out of medication and hadn't taken them for a few days, which makes me more susceptible to triggers like loneliness. 

The bad day was caused because I spend too much time alone.  I spent my entire day off cleaning my apartment and watching netflix, yet can't remember the last time I spent time with my friends.  I know I haven't seen Brianna in over a month.  The last time I saw Jill was in May.  I know it's harder to spend time with friends as we get older because we have more responsibilities, but I also think that's why mental illness rates are so high (1 in 4 according to NAMI).  Humans were not designed to be so isolated. While I didn't spend a lot of physical time with Rose, he was always there. He made me less lonely and I miss that. Spending time alone is fine, but too much alone time is detrimental especially for depression.  If we were meant to be completely alone, we would have no social programming in our DNA.  Luckily a co-worker took me to the aquarium so I could pet the sharks and take pictures.  The butterfly ones are gorgeous. 

Irritability is one of my main symptoms, which is not typical for females.  It's silly things that make me upset like when people "help" my station when they should be doing their own work.  Sometimes the patients irritate me by asking about coupons at pick up or where something non-pharmacy related is in the store.  I really think that I need a vacation that is more than 4 days, which won't happen till 2016.

As for the medication, it costs me $75ish dollars every 3 months for my anti-depressants because my insurance will only pay or a 90 day supply and it is brand only.  However, my other life-saving/ preventative meds are  either $0 copay or under $10.  I can't wait for the day that this medication goes generic so it doesn't cost me so much.  Without it I still get the irritability and sometimes the fatigue.  The methylfolate helps with the fatigue but not with other symptoms.  I also have a low tolerance for people that are less intelligent than me, which is many humans.

I read an article today about Robin Williams' suicide, which happened about a year ago.  It was a beautiful article about how suicide can be prevented, but the idiot who commented on it said that they would kill themselves too if they had a chronic or terminal illness.  That was so ignorant that it made me sick.  Asthma is a chronic illness, as are diabetes, depression, bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism and parkinsons.  They can all be managed and yes, they can all kill people if left untreated.  Pharmaceuticals exist to help people.  In a capitalistic society like ours there is a profit to be made for life saving medications.  It sucks, but that is reality.  I got sick because on the list above, I have 3 of those chronic conditions and suicide is not the solution to those problems.  I have a lot of give, but episode recovery takes me 4 days.  I still hate year 3.

Forward and Backwards

Every time I make a little progress there is a setback.  My major issues for overcoming depression is finances and socialization.  Finances stress everything and due to the fact that most social activities cost some money, I miss out on seeing people.  Yes, I know that there are free things to do, but the truth is I feel like I have more debt than my friends.

I miss my friends and I miss Rose.  Rose, not because we got to see each other, but because I had someone that I could talk to about anything and everything and he actually listened.  I cared about him too and above all things I wanted to help him.  It was mutual support.  With a lot of my other friends it's either the distance or the schedules.  I do have friends that live in other countries, which makes talking on a regular basis difficult.  Having a retail schedule has some drawbacks.  I've been trying to get together with Brianna for weeks, but I'm working when she's off or vice versa.  I don't even have parties anymore because of the schedule and expense.

I am having a jewelry party later this month because I've always wanted a Swarovski piece since I was little.  There was a pin of a little red dress that I bid on when I was probably in high school, but didn't win it obviously. It's also used a lot in films and we all know how much I love movies.   I am not spending a lot on food or drink because I have things for it already.  I am not aiming to spend anything on the jewelry either.  I just want to expand my circle of friends and look at pretty things.  I had to cancel once already, so hopefully, I can make this one successful.  If you can't make it, you can still order...the holidays are not far away.  I do hope to see people there even if you can't buy anything.

As for finances, it's still a struggle.  I'm not working as many hours because it's summer and we slow down a bit because apparently everyone in Ridgefield is away for most of the summer....lucky them.  This is why I work every holiday.  My student loans will be paid off eventually.  The bigger problem is my credit cards and now I got a ticket for speeding.  I'm going to contest it because I can't afford to pay $190 to the state, who then spend it on stupid crap anyway.  I pay my bills, but don't have money for much else. 

I'm doing a fitness challenge through work so that I can get gift cards for things that I will need like make up and dress pants.  I'm hoping that I get this new position just for the significant pay raise it brings.  I don't think anyone knows how lonely it is to be poor.  I mean I'm lucky that I can pay my bills and rent, but there is more that I need aside from a roof over my head and food.  I need my friends.