I'm Not There Yet

I see that many of my friends pair off and start having families.  The truth is that, for me, I'm not there yet.  I suffered a trauma 2 and half years ago , which is taking a lot of time to overcome.  It is almost unimaginable for me to be having a family let alone a partner because I'm not to the point where I'm stable enough to be there for another person.  At least not in the way that I imagine a relationship to be. 

I don't really want to have a child, who will realize that mommy is sad and irritable.  I also don't want a partner who thinks that I don't love him because I will always miss Rose.  It's nice to see that people are progressing in their lives, but I'm not there yet.  The upside is that I am getting better, so that I can be capable of these things in the future. 

I don't have as many bad days as I have in the past, but there are still more than I would like.  I'm not in the greatest shape weight wise.  I'm not losing weight to get a date.  I'm losing weight for me, so that I can feel good about myself.  It does hurt me that people don't come to some of the parties that I have anymore.  I know that people have other priorities now or are knee deep in diapers or their significant other, but you are still you and are allowed to have your own life.

I'm not to the point where my friends are not the most important thing in my life.  I don't have a tiny being to take care of or anyone else.  It's just me and I'm not there yet.  My friends have always meant a great deal to me and I think I have a greater attachment to them than they do to me.  I miss the pub culture of England.  Maybe it's just the fact that I live in New England that's the problem.

I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet.