In Defense of My Mother

Today was my mother's birthday.  Since my parents live in Israel, I only go to wish her a happy birthday and chat with her a bit. I have a feeling that she is feeling a bit down.  I wish I was less of a pain to her.  I wish that I appreciated her more.

I have to admit that it took a while to understand my mother.  She can be domineering, very opinionated and pushy.  She can be intimidating to weaker people as well.  My mom is an old jewish lady now, who announces her opinion and doesn't care who gets offended by it.  You're allowed to do that when you're old.  I also think that people are now easily offended by anything that is not politically correct.  My mother has always been a bit blunt, which I also inherited.  We both have a low tolerance for stupidity as well.

My mom would push me and my brother to do things.  We were both in scouts, marching band and sports.  I think my mom pushed us both to do scouts because she couldn't as a child because she couldn't afford the uniform.  Sometimes I hated being involved in all these activities, but they did get me into college.  I know my mother did without sometimes so we could participate in these activities.

What I didn't understand when I was young was the my mom grew up poor, so she would make sure my brother and I got things that we wanted to be happy.  She would do this from tag sales or buying things on sale.  I think that taught me to value second hand things because I don't always need something new. There was a time when my dad was in and out of work, so sometimes we couldn't get new things.  The only thing my mom didn't give up was her weekly manicure.  She would make sure she had the $15 do get that done.  It was her little thing.

I know it wasn't easy raising me, but my mom always loved me.  She would do anything for me.  Today she even offered to send me money so I could do laundry.  I declined because I have to make it on my own.  I would love for her to send me more recipes even though all her food ends up being brown.

It does upset me when people are mean to my mother.  I can be mean to my mom because family pisses each other off at times.  My mom was bullied at her last place of employment, which was awful.  She was not very happy during that time, but got so much better when she moved to Israel. I feel that Israel is where she always belonged.  She seems less tense there.  However, she is still a very opinionated, blunt lady.

My mom is my mom.  She's not perfect, but she is always there when I need her.  I do feel bad when I yell at her or am mean to her because she does so much for me.  I do try to make it up to her by trying to fix myself and finding things that she would like.  I'm going to visit her in March even though it would add to my debt.  Since my parents are older, if I wait, they might not be in great health to host me in Israel.

Happy Birthday, mommy.

Ruin

The word ruin can be used as an exaggeration, but I believe that the word ruin can be applied when a situation so terrible happens that you can never go back to who you were before.  I had a job ruin my life.  They ganged up on me and made assumptions based on their narrow-mindedness.  The consequence is that I don't have a positive view of the world or myself.

Rose left me because of that job.  That still stings.  Now it seems that my companion has left me because I don't have a positive attitude.  It's difficult to be positive when you're still drowning.  I still get frustrated easily because that's what depression does (my main symptom is irritability).  I am struggling financially because I have about $70k of debt between student loans, a car lease and credit cards.  I don't even make $30k a year to carry this debt load.

One of the last thing my companion said to me was that he missed being with someone he adored.  I took that to mean that he didn't adore me.  Maybe I'm just the place holder until someone better comes along.  That statement made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  I don't like my body right now because I have a problem with my weight and the amount of sugar in my diet. I'm also overly stressed partially because of the above stated money issues.  I also feel stuck because I don't know what I really want to do for a career.

I try to plan things that help me feel good and positive.  I like planing walks and outings.  It's a bit difficult when you have little to no money to spend, but I try.  I wanted to go to the beach and maybe go on a picnic this summer.  I wanted to go on my balloon ride.  I will probably go on my balloon ride alone now.  Every time I tried to be encouraging during this last month, my companion has shot me down.  I offered assistance, which he basically refused.  I was generous and kind.  That makes me a good person even if I don't have a positive outlook on myself.

I know that being my goal weight won't magically make me confident and happy.  I was always lonely as a child and I'm lonely still now.  Spending time with people makes me feel good.  I spend much of my time alone.  I was a lot happier when I was with my companion, but I think that's over now.  The job that ruined me is still having repercussions because I'm still very closed.  I don't like many people.  I always think I'm getting better then I have a set back.  Maybe I'm not doing well after all.

Sitting Alone

I don't mind sitting alone sometimes.  I go to services and sit by myself since my family has moved to Israel.  Sometimes it's more peaceful that way.  I eat alone at restaurants sometimes as well.  I don't always have someone to go with and that's fine.  Tonight though I was peaceful and yet a little sad.

My Rabbi, Solomon Acrish, who has been my rabbi for my entire life, passed away from cancer in May.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem like he's really gone until you get reminded of it.  I was at services tonight because I was one of the hostesses for the oneg (after service goodies).  After all the events of these past weeks with police brutality and the sniper attack in Dallas, etc., I was thinking about the sermon that my rabbi might have given. 

Rabbi had given many sermons over the years.  No, I don't remember all of them and I probably fell asleep during a few as I was a child, but I remember the way he said them.  He had so much passion.  Rabbi Acrish was an assistant rabbi in Alabama during the civil rights movement and he is mentioned by name in archives.  The synagogue he served at did receive bomb threats during that time.  I was wondering what his take on all this would have been.  I'm sure he would have been upset with the loss of life, but he would have delivered a powerful message as he usually did.  I'm sure it would be along the lines that life matters.  Before people jump on that, Rabbi Acrish was born in Morocco and had a unique view on the world.

At the end of the service we say a prayer for those who have passed.  When Rabbi's name was read I teared up because I miss him.  There are people that I will always miss.  Rabbi Acrish will always be one of them.  I miss the way he always said my name.  I know that I'm weird and I wasn't as close to him as some of his "children" were, but he mattered.  I think he was always happy to see me.

Things are going to be different at my temple now.  We lost our spiritual leader of 50 years.  It's never going to be the same.  I am volunteering more at the temple because it's my home.  I am not particularly religious, but I go there for the social aspect and to feel comfortable. 

At the end of the day I don't mind sitting alone because I'm not really alone.  I have memories and a great imagination.  I might miss the people that are gone, but I have mental conversations with them and that's good enough for me.

Triggered

I have wanted to cut on and off all day today.  A lot of it is stress because of money, but part of it is this feeling of failure that I have.  One of the pharmacists just got engaged and is looking to get a house.  She has a higher amount of student loan debt, but makes the salary to support that.  I work so hard and make above minimum wage, but it's not enough to support myself and pay off debt.  I don't think I'll ever own a home or get married.  It makes me feel like I have failed at some point in my life.

I read an article about a woman on welfare.  She makes slightly less than I do a month and doesn't work and pays about $50 for rent on subsidized housing.  It makes me angry because I work so hard and have 2 jobs.  All my money goes to bills.  I rarely go out and I feel very isolated because of it.  I haven't been grocery shopping in months because I can't afford groceries.  My parents left me food, which I am grateful for because I'm using up what's in the freezer first.  I look in my fridge and see almost nothing.  It upsets me because I know that this is not a healthy way to live.  I will not be able to lose weight if everything I eat is high in salt, sugar and preservatives.  Then I weigh myself and feel worse about myself.

As for a career, I don't know what I want to do.  I like what I do as a pharmacy technician, but I can barely pay the bills.  I'm working a shift in another store, which I don't really want to do, but I'm not in a position to turn down shifts because a lot of my bill payments will be late this month.  It's upsetting that I'm 30 and feel like I'm financially a failure.  I have 2 degrees and have nothing to show for it. 

I have a very kind companion, but I don't think it will lead to anything permanent.  I don't feel like I'm a catch.  I'm smart and am a decent cook, but that's pretty much it.  Due to the stress of my monetary situation, I am not a nice person.  I resent my customer base because they pretty much have money.  My coworkers think I'm moody, but because I don't talk about my personal life, they don't know that half the time I feel that cutting would be a better way to deal with all this stress.  Compound this will all the feelings that was brought about by the abuse from evil bank that I'm still not over.  There are days that are terrible.  I cry once a week because it doesn't look like things will ever get easier.

There are days that I'm embarrassed to go to work.  We have meetings at work where we get left over food.  I take a lot of food home because there are days when I don't know what I'm going to eat because it will probably be out of a can.  I am also embarrassed that I have to apply for reduced membership at my synagogue because I can't afford the initiation fees.

I do the best I can, but right now I just feel hopeless with my situation, which is triggering me to self-harm.