Triggered

I have wanted to cut on and off all day today.  A lot of it is stress because of money, but part of it is this feeling of failure that I have.  One of the pharmacists just got engaged and is looking to get a house.  She has a higher amount of student loan debt, but makes the salary to support that.  I work so hard and make above minimum wage, but it's not enough to support myself and pay off debt.  I don't think I'll ever own a home or get married.  It makes me feel like I have failed at some point in my life.

I read an article about a woman on welfare.  She makes slightly less than I do a month and doesn't work and pays about $50 for rent on subsidized housing.  It makes me angry because I work so hard and have 2 jobs.  All my money goes to bills.  I rarely go out and I feel very isolated because of it.  I haven't been grocery shopping in months because I can't afford groceries.  My parents left me food, which I am grateful for because I'm using up what's in the freezer first.  I look in my fridge and see almost nothing.  It upsets me because I know that this is not a healthy way to live.  I will not be able to lose weight if everything I eat is high in salt, sugar and preservatives.  Then I weigh myself and feel worse about myself.

As for a career, I don't know what I want to do.  I like what I do as a pharmacy technician, but I can barely pay the bills.  I'm working a shift in another store, which I don't really want to do, but I'm not in a position to turn down shifts because a lot of my bill payments will be late this month.  It's upsetting that I'm 30 and feel like I'm financially a failure.  I have 2 degrees and have nothing to show for it. 

I have a very kind companion, but I don't think it will lead to anything permanent.  I don't feel like I'm a catch.  I'm smart and am a decent cook, but that's pretty much it.  Due to the stress of my monetary situation, I am not a nice person.  I resent my customer base because they pretty much have money.  My coworkers think I'm moody, but because I don't talk about my personal life, they don't know that half the time I feel that cutting would be a better way to deal with all this stress.  Compound this will all the feelings that was brought about by the abuse from evil bank that I'm still not over.  There are days that are terrible.  I cry once a week because it doesn't look like things will ever get easier.

There are days that I'm embarrassed to go to work.  We have meetings at work where we get left over food.  I take a lot of food home because there are days when I don't know what I'm going to eat because it will probably be out of a can.  I am also embarrassed that I have to apply for reduced membership at my synagogue because I can't afford the initiation fees.

I do the best I can, but right now I just feel hopeless with my situation, which is triggering me to self-harm.