Ruin

The word ruin can be used as an exaggeration, but I believe that the word ruin can be applied when a situation so terrible happens that you can never go back to who you were before.  I had a job ruin my life.  They ganged up on me and made assumptions based on their narrow-mindedness.  The consequence is that I don't have a positive view of the world or myself.

Rose left me because of that job.  That still stings.  Now it seems that my companion has left me because I don't have a positive attitude.  It's difficult to be positive when you're still drowning.  I still get frustrated easily because that's what depression does (my main symptom is irritability).  I am struggling financially because I have about $70k of debt between student loans, a car lease and credit cards.  I don't even make $30k a year to carry this debt load.

One of the last thing my companion said to me was that he missed being with someone he adored.  I took that to mean that he didn't adore me.  Maybe I'm just the place holder until someone better comes along.  That statement made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  I don't like my body right now because I have a problem with my weight and the amount of sugar in my diet. I'm also overly stressed partially because of the above stated money issues.  I also feel stuck because I don't know what I really want to do for a career.

I try to plan things that help me feel good and positive.  I like planing walks and outings.  It's a bit difficult when you have little to no money to spend, but I try.  I wanted to go to the beach and maybe go on a picnic this summer.  I wanted to go on my balloon ride.  I will probably go on my balloon ride alone now.  Every time I tried to be encouraging during this last month, my companion has shot me down.  I offered assistance, which he basically refused.  I was generous and kind.  That makes me a good person even if I don't have a positive outlook on myself.

I know that being my goal weight won't magically make me confident and happy.  I was always lonely as a child and I'm lonely still now.  Spending time with people makes me feel good.  I spend much of my time alone.  I was a lot happier when I was with my companion, but I think that's over now.  The job that ruined me is still having repercussions because I'm still very closed.  I don't like many people.  I always think I'm getting better then I have a set back.  Maybe I'm not doing well after all.