Lack of Libido

One of the things that I've wanted to write about it.  One of the symptoms of depression is the loss of libido and ironically it's a side effect of most anti-depressants too.  Now, I have no partner or lover to upset by this because they will not feel rejected, but it bothers me.  The detriment that really bothers me about it is that I don't feel sexy not even in my ridiculously expensive lingerie.

I have always had an issue with being touched, which I believe is a mix between being really lonely and the cutting.  I was so not interested in sex for a very long time, then I was interested in it academically as I wrote my MA dissertation on the Earl of Rochester (look up here).  My dad actually said I got a MA in porn because of the Earl.  I think I more enjoyed the idea of sex than the actual act because I would rather do something else like read or talk about history. 

Now, I'm not sure if it's the depression, the messed up hormones or if I'm truly different from everyone else, but all I want is for someone to care about me, hug me, smile when I walk in the room and hold my hand.  In summation all I truly want is a really good friend.  People mostly misinterpret this, even he misinterpreted this as me being in love.  I question love too much.  I flirt, yes. as that is the fun part for me.  The chase is fantastic, but being captured, sex, is not fun for me.  I prefer the mind over the body.

I do miss feeling sexy with my lingerie because that's my thing.  I don't miss sex though.  To me, it's always been boring, but even if I wanted to I just can't.  I think I was sexual for about a year and now it's back to nothing.  I think the world is really obsessed with sex, it always has been and always will be, but not me.  I always get annoyed when people try to add a sexual element into relationships that aren't there (I.E. Holmes and Watson).  Deep affectionate friendships exist.  I lost one.  Sex doesn't do anything for me.  I doubt that it will.

I am lacking a libido right now and to be honest, I don't miss it.  I miss the feeling, I miss the chase, but I don't miss the act.  I've discussed this with others and we just become sad asexual creatures.  Maybe this will be forever or maybe it won't.  I just want an amazing friend.  That is what I'm lacking close by. 

Will you be my companion?

What I Gained

Depression is the ultimate downer.  The sufferer is stuck in a cycle of negative thinking.  Now, that I am starting to get better, well, at least my symptoms are in the mild range, I can identify the negative thinking.  I was focusing on what I lost, which is a lot, but haven't looked at what I have gained.

I was laying in bed last night just thinking about what I should write.  I looked at the baby Dalek that a friend had sent me as a gift and I said that I gained a lot.  Though it doesn't make up for what I lost, it is still something new.  It gets different because getting better, to me, means that you are an improved version of what you were before.  I do not believe that I will ever be an improved version of what I was before.   One thing he used to tell me was, "You are who you are today because someone broke your heart."  My heart is broken and I will never be the same.

Now, onto the happier part of this post, what I gained from this hell.  I regained my bravery, maybe it was always there, but I haven't had to use it.  It takes courage to get out of bed everyday and go to the place and see the people who hurt you so badly that you went into the tail spin.  It is very brave to stand up and complain even if the company decided that nothing wrong had happened.  I found my indomitable internal strength.  I stood up for myself; I tried.  That is something to be proud of.

Though I lost him, which is his problem because I am a fabulous, loyal friend, I got close to some fantastic people.  They might have always been there, but I wasn't able to get close to them because of my low grade depression.  I always worried that if people knew or saw the pain or the "real" me, that they wouldn't like me at all.  In fact, I was surprised on my review that my co workers said I was well liked (this was before the incident).  Since I came out with my diagnosis and decided to fight it, I feel like I am liked and am admired more for it.  Also my charisma decided to return in bounds.  I started talking to a high school friend Sarah, who I had no idea was suffering the same.  I got some amazing co workers, Jill and Jana.  Jill sent me the baby Dalek, which travels back and forth with me as my constant inanimate companion.  I can be honest with all of them, which is brilliant.

I started taking courses again, so that I could learn some type of things that are involved with business.  I lost a lot of my wit and vocabulary because my severe depression interfered with my cognitive processes.  The courses,whether the mini online ones or the longer self paced ones, have helped me regain my concentration and some of my vocabulary.  I now have a sense of the basics of business, so I can build my own.  I will start to write a proposal for a museum and start doing research for a non-profit. 

I found Doctor Who.  It was something that I was always aware of and would watch the occasional episode and enjoyed it.  The Doctor is the relationship that I want to have.  Someone that will change my life, hold my hand and care so much about me that they will destroy the world because of the loss of me.  I know that sounds egocentric, but it's my blog.  Although there are aliens, danger and time travel at the core it's about people solving problems.  It's an extraordinary journey about real life.  We are all stories in the end and I will make sure it's a good one.

All the things that I feared the most, while damaging and frightening, were never as bad as I thought they'd be.  I guess things are never as wonderful as they seem at the best of times or as bad as they seem at the worst.  I got more support and that is the best part.  I gained a lot, which is what I should focus on.

PS.  I am working on the campaign, "I Am Not My Scars."  If you want to participate, please e-mail photos to zandraava@gmail.com.

The Ups and Downs of One Day

Today was an up and down day.  I received a gift from a friend, a relatively new friend, but I appreciated it because it was perfect.  I got a Dalek.  It's small, but now everyday is "Bring a dalek to work day."  I also got a letter concerning the investigation and they concluded that there was no wrong doing by HR.  While, I do not agree with this conclusion, I believe that HR will never do anything against me ever again because I proved that I have a voice.

I do have to admit that I cried because I was disappointed with the results, but I am still going to fight in a subtle way.  I'm going to complete 4 certificates that the company pays for.  It will give me a decent background in business so I can start my non profit.  I can then help people that might be going through a similar situation to mine.  I will no longer pursue a career at the company, but do the best I can.  I will take the pain and create a tool to help people both employers and employees.

It's great to know that I have friends who support me.  While this fight maybe over, I proved that I will not be silent.  Yes, my eyes still sting from crying today, but I have my baby dalek, Sherlock and a lot of great friends who are in disbelieve about the outcome. 

I want to be the one that helps others.  The incident, which I will write about one day took me a long time to realize that what happened was not my fault.  The results seem like blaming the victim, but this will not stop me.  It taught me that mental illness is being ignored and exacerbated in the corporate world.  Things can be prevented before the escalate and they can do this through education.  Employee assistance programs, while important, are not the answer to everything.  I am an advocate for education and always will be.

I will continue with the good and know that I fought this atrocity.  I hope that you will stay with me.  A small gift showing that someone cared today made the bad not so terrible.

                                           The Dalek

Using the Pain

Use the pain to do something beautiful.  That was the thing that I heard today.  I believe that is a beautiful sentiment, but what should I create that is beautiful?  My pain is so raw, ugly and palpable.  How can anything beautiful come out of such a vortex of destruction?

I have been writing this blog, which is a great outlet, but is it beautiful?  I want to start a non profit to help change and prevent what happened to me from never happening again.  I sing and write.  That's basically my talents.  I can also teach and learn.  How can I create something out of those 4 that will be worthy of remembrance?  I don't want to be famous really, I just want to mean something to someone. 

How can I create after so much destruction?  How can I rebuild a friendship that I so valued when he won't even speak to me?  How do I use all this pain for good?

Grand Idea

I always come up with these grand ideas some of them are viable (like this blog), some of them are pipe dreams at the moment (like my museum to Freddie Mercury, which only one person believed I could do and now he's gone) or what I came up with today, which is to create a non profit.  I have no idea how to do it like I have no idea how to set up a museum, but I think it's something that is needed.

I want the non profit to have the mission of educating companies about how to handle employees with mental health issues.  The most common being depression and anxiety.  I would also want help employees know their rights when it comes to the disclosure and treatment of their issue.  I came up with this because I am fighting my own battle with my mental health issue that my company triggered and I had to research what I should do.  I cannot discuss this case anymore as mine is on going.

I have no idea where to start, but everything starts with a seed, an idea, a little nagging voice, a cause.  What happened to me should never happen to anyone.  I believe that education is the key to solving problems.  Knowledge is power and I am never powerless with that.

What do you think of my idea?  Is it possible to help people understand those who suffer and how to treat them?  This would be more than EAP.  It would help both employers and employees.

Dalek

I've been on a Doctor Who kick for like a month.  I know enough about it, but have never been a big fan.  I am always on the edge of most popular things.  I would watch the occasional episode, mostly the Christmas specials when I lived in the UK and always enjoyed it.  So since my depression hit a spike in February, I started to read all the Doctor Who Memes and would read clips.  Today, I started watching the series.

Spoilers Follow:

I watched season 1 episode 6 entitled "Dalek."  You can watch it here:  Dalek episode.  A Dalek is a being that is encased in a machine whose entire purpose is to kill things.  In the episode, the companion to the Doctor, Rose touches the broken Dalek and then the Dalek regenerates and does what it does best, starts killing people.  The Dalek starts to feel other things instead of the unending need to destroy.  This corrupts it and it ends up becoming confused where it ultimately ends itself.  It believed itself to be the last Dalek and had no purpose in life being all alone.

After watching the episode, I felt a profound sense of sadness because I related to the Dalek.  Depression is an extremely isolating illness.  There is a disbelief that anyone will ever understand or that change is possible.  I actually felt the confusion of the Dalek and the desperate desire for freedom.  I empathized with the Dalek because it no longer had a purpose.  Feeling the sun on it was like a dying wish to know freedom.

 I wrote a few days ago about the importance of stories and storytellers in our lives (Stories).  Even though the Dalek is out to destroy everyone, I felt bad for it in the end because it started to feel every symptom of depression.  That is a clever storyteller.  Maybe it revived my empathy, but I understood that the desire for freedom from whatever hell we live in is a driving force.  For the Dalek, without purpose, its only true freedom was death.

For us humans, we need to find a different freedom.  If you feel tied down by your family or your job or the place you live, then you have to find what it is that needs to change.  It might be communication is the key to finding this.  Happiness can be our freedom.  Thank You, Doctor Who, for making me realize this through your amazing story telling.

Crisis Center

There is a resource that is key to the survival of anyone.  That is being able to reach out and talk to someone who is willing to listen.  This condition can be very taxing on friends and family.  I go onto one of the crisis center chats to just talk out the stress or the sadness or the cravings or whatever.  It is helpful to talk to someone impartial about the situations at hand.

It's difficult to try to convince someone to get better especially when they are so cold to you.  I still hold out hope for them to get better.  That's what I talk about on those online chats sometimes is the fact that what happened to me was terrible and I will get different.  I sought help for the insanity that was caused.  I miss him and hope the one day he will be my friend again.

The people on the chats are always friendly and patient.  I stayed on with one of them for 2 hours just talking about things.  She gave me ideas on alternatives on how to cope better or just things to do to distract myself. They also convinced me to file a formal complaint against the person that caused all the pain. 

The crisis center is just another place for me to go.  It's another more sensical mirror for me to get better.  I go through here:  crisis center chat.  I hope that you use the service if it is needed.  You don't need to be suicidal to chat.  You just need to be open and they are trained to talk about anything. 

Reach out for help if you need it. ;)

Irritation

I believe that temperature extremes lead to irritation, which is more difficult to control when suffering from depression and anxiety.  Cold just makes people more sad it seems while heat makes people more anxious.  I like being warm, but this heat wave is ridiculous. 

I find that I get irritated at people for no reason.  I mean I should be used to people asking me to write more clearly, but it just pissed me off today.  It might have been a combination of the heat  or that the e-mail was from him or that I have PMS or everything.  I just was so irritated by everything.  Has anyone else felt like that?  I'm grateful to Sarah and Geof for talking me through it.  I am just so sick of passive aggressive people, rich people who think their entitled and the heat.

I'm hoping that exercising will make me feel a bit better by providing that endorphin boost, but who knows.  The excessive heat and humidity drives us all crazy.  I know that the human body can adapt, but the mind is not so easily persuaded.  Also heat rash makes me scratch off layers of skin.  It's gross and terrible as I was so into self harm that I barely notice that I do this until it's too late.

I hope everyone finds a way to stay cool and keeps their tempers in check.  In the meantime, I will chill in my expensive lingerie.

Stories

One of the things I enjoy the most about being a writer and a historian is that I get to tell stories.  They are not stories of a far away land or the supernatural or of superior beings, I write about people who were real.  Some of them are fantastical as there are things that happen that one cannot make up.  Sometimes I write historical fiction, which is an exercise I'm working on now, but I mostly write about myself and people that have fascinated me.  That doesn't mean that their stories cannot inspire us or give us hope.

I write letters mostly to friends and in my stories because I feel like it is a lost art form now.  There is such a magic in stories because they whisk us away from the ordinary into a thousand creative worlds.  Sometimes I write letters to let people know how I feel.  I write these letters because they are part of my story.  I sometimes write and don't share them.  I wrote a letter to him and have yet to send it because I'm afraid he'll hate me more.  I will share part of one of the letters:
         
                      I felt hurt, disappointed and angry with the fact that you wouldn't even read my blog.  I understand that most blogs are boring, but mine is all about my journey.  I have a story to share and if it inspires one person in the world to get help, to not languish in misery, even if the person is me, then it has accomplished its mission.  I had to regain one of my talents so that the rest of them could grow.  I wish you could see it.

I write because I believe that I am good at it.  It's also therapeutic,which makes it important.  I'm a storyteller.  Stories make us see that even when things are bad that they can end up ok.  I don't want to be a tragedy.  I've seen too many of them.  I've studied too many of them, but I also believe that those who are deemed tragedies do not think of themselves as such.  I believe that most of them thought they tried their best.   

Life doesn't always end up ok, but stories help us deal with our own issues through a different scope.  We can relate to stories.  Life is full of triumph and tragedy.  Stories helps us relate to them.  Choose your medium whether it is film, short stories, poems, plays or novels.  I hope that my story is inspiring in some way.  Never be afraid to tell your story because everyone in the world has one.  All our stories like our lives matter to someone.  Who knows, your story could be the one that changes the world.  As is says in Doctor Who:  We are all stories in the end.

 

Substance Abuse

I have decided to write about substance abuse in the wake of Cory Monteith's death at the age of 31.  Now, I am not a fan of Glee.  I saw one episode where they butchered Bohemian Rhapsody and said never again.  I am writing because addiction is a real disease and it is deadly.  I am writing about it because people who suffer from mental illness tend to get mixed up with drugs or drink because they don't know how else to stop their pain.  Addiction results in death.  Addiction like depression touches every facet of the sufferer's life.

I have to say one of my symptoms when trying to stop cutting would be that my alcohol consumption would go up.  At parties, I would drink until I would pass out or get sick.  I didn't realize that my depression was starting to creep up.  I know that my behavior was concerning to everyone.  I would really just binge at parties, but it could have easily spiraled out of control.

Some people believe that they can control their addiction like they can control their mental illness.  This is called denial because they want to believe they are well or can handle things and it is tragic that they can't.  You want to shake them, convince them they need help and they won't listen.  I know because I was like that.  He still is like that.  I was like that because I believed that I had beaten my issues, but they returned like a cancer.

Addiction and mental illness has relapses.  They haunt you and there is always a fear that they will return.  We lie to ourselves and just crave the one more time and then we'll quit.  However that one more time can be what kills us.  Cutting was like an addiction to me and there are times that I still want to.  It won't kill me but it can cause serious damage.  Maybe Cory wanted one more time or was just enjoying time with his friends, but it ended up killing him.

If you or someone you love is abusing any type of substance, please find help.  There are great resources out there from counselors to website to rehab centers.  I know that it is difficult, but life can be good again.  There is always hope and help.

The Team

I have a great support team in my life, which is necessary to get back to a normal, functioning life.  It is a mixture of medical professionals, counselors, friends, family and others.  I have to say that my team is awesome.

My team consists of 4 medical professionals:  2 doctors, an APRN and an LCSW.  I have medication from 3 out of the 4 of them and take advice from all of them as depression is a total body illness.  I also have my wonderful sponsor Geof who usually answers the phone.  He doesn't live near me, but in spite of his busy schedule he will normally answer the phone.  I don't have crisis moments as much as I have in recent months.  I also have Jen, who has training as a substance abuse counselor even though she is not currently using that, it makes it easier for her to deal with my addict brain at times.  I have 2 great friends, Matt and Brianna who are always willing to hang out.  I also have Sue, Sarah and Jana who have always been encouraging.  Then there are Traci and Danielle who understand and make me smile.

My dad complained that he was not part of the team because it made him sad.  I think that's because I wanted to shield my parents from a lot of the pain because it would then be their pain.  I know that neither of my parents understand what is going on inside my head and I don't want them to blame themselves, but now that they know I guess my dad can be on my team as he gave me good advice when it comes to my job.

Sometimes I don't feel supported and that is due to the poison of loneliness.  I do have my team and I have to remember that.  Maybe everyone on my team is a little weird or crazy, but it takes weird to understand weird.  Teams are important as we are social creatures who cannot survive alone.

Nell Gwyn

I have a Master's Degree in History from one of the top universities in the world.  My specialty is Restoration History 1660-1685.  I wrote my dissertation on the Earl of Rochester (played by Johnny Depp in the Libertine) and his influence on theater.  It made me feel alive.  One of Rochester's friends was the actress Nell Gwyn, best known as a mistress of king Charles II.  The Duke of St. Albans is the line which is descended from her and Charles.

There is this fascination with Nell Gwyn because she grew up poor, her mother owned an inn in London, started out as an Orange Girl selling oranges in the theater and then became one of the best comedic actresses of the age.  She caught the king's eye and became his mistress until his death.  It's kind of like a Cinderella story with dubious morals.  Nell was far more complex with that.  She was witty and a fighter.  She was treated differently from the other royal mistresses because of her low birth.   However, she was valued by the king.

I think I was Nell in a past life.  I retain quick wit when I am well.  She was also extremely loyal and generous to her friends as I am.  After the king died, she wrote a letter to James II stating that the late king was her friend.  As she could not write, her secretary wrote it for her.   I thought that was the sweetest, most honest thing that could have been written.  Her life was not without tragedy as he youngest died at the age of seven in France having been sent abroad for his education, but yet she remained strong.

The thing I always remember about Nell is her ability to make people laugh and her ability to persevere.  Once her love the king was gone, she died.  She died of a stroke technically, but many people believe that she died of a broken heart 2 years after the king died at the age of 37.  She lived her life and that's all we can hope to achieve, but her legend has endured.

This Is Where We Are Today

I am so frustrated with everything that is going on in my life.  I took the step to give a statement as to my horrid treatment that started all the despair, which gave me some relief, but the sense of loss is still there.  The loss that consumes me.  Who would have thought that the actions of a few and one day could destroy me so completely.

In that one day because of a misconception and a prejudice made about me, I lost an opportunity for a career, a close friend who understood me and my sanity.  I lost me.  I don't know if I'm mourning that more or the fact that I lost him.  There is a void that is there that I just don't know how to fill.  Emptiness is nothing that can be shared with another person nor would I wish that feeling on anyone.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will be in that 20% that won't return to a normal functioning person.  I know because of my Hashimoto's that I am more prone to depression and it will be recurrent throughout my life. Sometimes I just stare at the floor for a time because I can't decide what else to do.  I want something to fill the gaps, so during the day I work on my course work for my job and write in my journal.  I go shopping sometimes and I overspend.  I know that I don't need clothes or shoes, but they make me feel better and pretty for a small amount of time. 

I don't want to buy food to celebrate anymore, but maybe I should invest in services to treat myself like tattoos, mani pedis, makeovers etc.  I'm not quite sure though because the one party I tried to do for it failed. 

Maybe I'll just get different and this sadness will stay in my soul.  I still miss him everyday.  It's difficult to move on when loneliness is your main trigger.

Talent

There are many types of talent in the world.  Some of us have the talent of teaching,  some of singing,  some of writing,  some of courage and some of speech.  The extraordinary  have a combination of talents, which make us renaissance humans.  I have been told that I have many talents, but until recently, most have faded into the obscurity of my illnesses.

I was a very talented poet once upon a time.  I don't write it as much, but due to this blog and the letters I have started to improve my writing talent so that maybe I can write poems again.  I also write plays, books and courses.  It is one of my voices even if my vocabulary has gone into disrepair.  My other voice is my singing voice.  I have a deep lower register probably because I sang Queen songs all the time.  I wanted to sing like Freddie, but the truth is that no one can.  He did teach me a great deal though.

Writing and singing are just some of my talents.  Courage is another.  Something that is innate and cannot be learned.  I took a stand while everyone else just cowered under this woman's tyrannical power. I did my research and came into battle armed.  My charisma carried me through as well.

My therapist pointed out that I was talented.  Depression robs everyone of their self-esteem and their light.  Without self-esteem everything falls including our talent.  I couldn't write for a while when my depression hit, but writing has taken me out of it a bit.  We must all value our talents because every single one of us has a talent that we can use to better the world. 

I am talented and so are you. 

Memories of England

I wanted to reflect on a happier time and why it was a happier time for me because the last few months have been a trail.  It was one of the toughest fights that I've ever had to fight, but for now I am winning.  I did want to talk about the place that I feel like I belong, England.

I've lived in England twice.  Once in London in 2005 and Once in Bristol in 2008-2009.  These were some of the best times of my life, though they were not without their struggles.  Let's start with my love, London.  I was there for a Study Abroad in the fall of 2005.  I felt happy there because everything fell into place.  I was studying what I loved: poetry and English History.  I also found my dissertation subject, John Wilmot, The Earl of Rochester.  I met my assistant there as well.  I changed my lifestyle a bit while I lived in London.  I walked everywhere, I explored the city and fell in love for the first time.  London is my love.  It's the city where you can live there for 10 years and still not do everything.  Also the city changes.  I know that England is having issues at the moment, but London will not fall.  It's where I feel that I belong.  It was where I discovered myself.  I was a butterfly there.

I went to Bristol for Graduate School.  Though the school kicked my butt and I missed London, I did enjoy my time there.  I made some great friends and I matured somewhat as a person.  I went to counseling when I felt that I needed it.  I made good decisions to improve my health.  What I realized the other day was that I did a version of my current wellness plan without realizing it.  I walked everywhere everyday, sometimes for miles.  I went to the gym 3 times a week as well.  I cooked for myself at least 3 times a week and then had left overs.  I also went to my counseling session once a week and hung out with friends whenever possible.  I would have coffee with Annabel.  I would go out for lunch with Yurie or I'd go to the pub with the history people.  The bottom line is that I took care of myself there.

I know that it is difficult for me to get back to where I am completely functioning.  I just have to be comforted with the memories of my home.  I hope that one day that I can get back to England and find the person I am meant to be.

My favorite place, Wells Cathedral.  I felt true peace there.
 

Relief

I am so filled with relief  that I can barely write because my mind is going blank.  I stood up for myself.  I didn't suffer in silence because of the trauma that was inflicted on me.  I am proud of myself for taking the stand and having the inner strength to tell my story especially with how horrific the incident was.

I hope that I can now move forward and maybe get into fixing the things that need to be fixed like all my relationships and my cognitive abilities.  Those these things are improving, they are far from healed.  This is not going to be a long post because I am emotionally rung out from the meeting and will still need to be strong through the investigation. 

Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is doing the task at hand through the fear.  Sometimes when we stand up. we stand alone.

Love

Love is one of those emotions that are very confusing.  I have stated that there are different types of love, but I also think that the lines between them can get blurred or we just don't understand the differences between them.  I know I get confused between deeply caring, love and being in love.  While love is complex on all levels, it can heal.

I went to NYC yesterday for my annual visit with a friend from college.  The day we met, was when my dark secrets got revealed.  I tried so hard to convince him that I was fine, but I really wasn't.  He was super calm and cool about the entire thing probably because he's not phased by anything anymore.  I didn't talk to him for like 2 years after that and then we became friends.  He was someone that I could trust.  I was confused about my feelings for him.  I thought I was in love with him for a short time, but it turned out that I just loved him.  Does that make sense?  I don't believe that I've ever been in love.

Part of depression for me, is no longer being able to feel love or be loved.  That is a part of the emptiness that is the hallmark of depression.  We know that we love and are loved, but we can no longer feel it.  Yesterday was kind of a breakthrough because I have been able to love for a few weeks now, feeling love in return was not possible.  As I said goodbye to my friend, I looked at him and told him I loved him.  He looked back at me and said that he loved me too.  I actually felt that. 

Maybe I am getting better.  Now while I miss the other man, who I adored and cared for more than words can describe.  I have hope for making a recovery.

Words Will Always Retain Their Power

I have learned that words have a strong power whether we want to accept it or not.  Words can lift up and give life or they can tear apart and destroy.  A word itself cannot kill, but with inflection, tone and intent it can be sharper than any sword in the world.  The opposite is true.  A word cannot bring happiness that is also with intent, tone and inflection that can bring joy.  Words will always retain power.  I have received both intonations of words. 

I have gotten responses from the letters that I sent from my friends and some of them have made me cry.  Depression is so isolating that one thinks that they are the only one who suffers.  While this is fallacy, it is a difficult thing to shake.  Some of them apologized for not seeing the signs, some said that the letter was kind and meant a lot to them, while others said that it reminded them that someone cared.  Those are my words.  I do not believe that I am sweet or kind.  I believe that I am loyal and genuine, which is much more important, at least to me. A hand written letter is a rarity, but a rarity that can show someone that they are loved in some way.

I started writing anonymous letters for www.moreloveletters.com, which makes me feel better because I would like to find one sometime in the future.  The letters always say that someone loves the receiver because depression can take away that love.  I know that an acquaintance of mine found the first letter I left, which made her feel good.  She passed it onto a friend who was sad that her boyfriend had died.  That actually made me cry because one letter had provided comfort for 2 people.

I want my words to have the power of light, love and strength not be sharp like knives to tear the flesh apart.  May you, my dear reader, find an anonymous love letter to bring you back from the darkness of isolation, which is currently the scourge of our age.  Love doesn't have to be romantic, but it should be shared.  I choose to share it with words that always retain their power.

Loneliness

Being lonely is my main trigger for depression, anxiety and cutting.  I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Feeling that no one in the world can comprehend the pain or the emptiness that consumes the heart and soul?

For some reason, it's rare that I make a connection with people.  I am the stranger that people like to be around, but never know completely.  I'm an enigma, a quandary....like a unicorn.  The thing that everyone wants, but no one can truly touch. 

When I do form a connection to someone it is very difficult to break.  Though I love my parents, I don't really relate to them well.  All my close friends bring out something different in me so that I am a different person to every single one of them.  With him, I felt whole because he accepted every different part of me.  I still feel that loss, the unending loneliness.

That's why I decided to fight the bully that caused this loss.  My friend told me once that bullies need to be stood up to.  Since I cannot stand up to her directly, I will go to someone who will believe me and will hopefully, do the right thing.  I may fight this tyranny alone because everyone else will just run away,  Fighting and staying alive and getting better are all isolating processes. 

I fight for myself.  I fight for you.  Even though I'm lonely and it brings me down, I will keep fighting for hope.  To end the discrimination that our conditions have caused.  I will fight to heal what the conditions have broken.  I will wage war in the name of hope.  One day the loneliness will end and I will feel complete.  Until that day, I am the warrior.  We all matter.

Grief

For me, the cycle of depression is like the 5 stages of grief.  Yes, I do realize that depression is one of the stages of grief, but there is a parallel nonetheless.  Depression is the hollowness of grief.  Grief is the trigger.  What am I grieving over?   Maybe it's the loss of self-esteem or maybe the loss of a friend or maybe the loss of hope for a career.

I think coming out of depression follows stages of grief.  The stages are not necessarily done in order either.  You can go to denial to depression to anger then back to denial.  For me, depression stages are: wretchedness, sadness, blah, acceptance and recovery.  I keep bouncing between sadness, blah and acceptance.  I went back to the blah stage.

Then there is the crazy, which is part of my conditions.  It's mostly low self-esteem that is the madness that rules my thoughts.  I think it was always there and it makes me doubt myself, which then leads to the sadness.

Forgive the randomness of my thoughts today.  My mind is spinning due to impending events and fatigue.  I just wanted to write something today.  I'm also into Dr. Who Memes at the moment so have a preview for Tuesday.

Fear

The way my life is going, there are always so many questions  that just keep running through my mind.  What if this doesn't work?  What if no one believes me?  Why am I being treated differently?  Will I go back to being a functional person?  The basis for all these questions is fear of some sort.

Fear is the evil that makes us unable to move forward.  Though I am afraid of what the outcome of my meeting on Tuesday will be, I am going to do it anyway.  I'm going to fight for myself and say that what happened to me was wrong.  What the incident did to me was wrong.  It changed and adversely affected my personal and professional lives.  I chose to fight the bully and the fear.

Fear thinking is the main cause of anxiety.  Do I suffer from anxiety?  Yes, I do.  The thing I feared the most, losing him, has happened.  I hope that he will come back maybe that's a far flung hope, but it's what I hope will happen.  I thought losing him would kill me.  Some days I think it might, but I'm still here.  We can all survive what we fear the most.

Fear can be paralyzing, but it appears my inner strength helps conquer those fears.  I don't want to hide from the world because I am marvelous.  My fear is always being alone because loneliness is my main trigger.  I try to spend time with friends so that I am not alone...at least for a little while.

Dealing with a Bad Day

Today was a bad day for me.  I was up the night before crying because standing up for myself is extremely stressful.  Everything went wrong at work and I was just so discouraged.  Maybe I'm doing this to myself, which is possible.  The good thing is that I didn't fall apart while at work. 

I came home and cried so much that I passed out for an hour.  The worst part is that I didn't take care of myself very well.  I didn't sleep well, I didn't really eat during the day and my eyes just kept stinging.  I'm afraid that I'm failing everyone.

I still miss him.  I feel abandoned by a lot of people since my assistant has disappeared and a co-worker is leaving.  I personalize a lot of things, which makes me more depressed, but I don't know what to do. 

This picture should describe everything about how I feel on a daily basis.