Love

Love is one of those emotions that are very confusing.  I have stated that there are different types of love, but I also think that the lines between them can get blurred or we just don't understand the differences between them.  I know I get confused between deeply caring, love and being in love.  While love is complex on all levels, it can heal.

I went to NYC yesterday for my annual visit with a friend from college.  The day we met, was when my dark secrets got revealed.  I tried so hard to convince him that I was fine, but I really wasn't.  He was super calm and cool about the entire thing probably because he's not phased by anything anymore.  I didn't talk to him for like 2 years after that and then we became friends.  He was someone that I could trust.  I was confused about my feelings for him.  I thought I was in love with him for a short time, but it turned out that I just loved him.  Does that make sense?  I don't believe that I've ever been in love.

Part of depression for me, is no longer being able to feel love or be loved.  That is a part of the emptiness that is the hallmark of depression.  We know that we love and are loved, but we can no longer feel it.  Yesterday was kind of a breakthrough because I have been able to love for a few weeks now, feeling love in return was not possible.  As I said goodbye to my friend, I looked at him and told him I loved him.  He looked back at me and said that he loved me too.  I actually felt that. 

Maybe I am getting better.  Now while I miss the other man, who I adored and cared for more than words can describe.  I have hope for making a recovery.