Confidence

My major long-term problem has always been my self-confidence.  I have gotten good grades and am adequate at most jobs.  My talents truly lie in creative pursuits, mostly writing and creating things for teaching.  There have been two people who have believed that I can do anything no matter how far fetched my ideas are. 

One of them was my high school English teacher, Rory.  He's only 10 years older than I am, but he was one of the best teachers I've ever had.  Not because he was the most knowledgeable, but because I think he genuinely cared about his students.  He would stay after school with me mostly everyday and we'd talk about literature or he'd critique my writings.  It's difficult to be a teenager.  I believe that he understood that and tried the best he could to help everyone.  We had the relationship like in The Perks of Being a Wallflower where the kid had a more friendship with his English teacher.  I am still friends with Rory.  I know that if I ever need someone, he will be there.  We don't talk everyday, but we don't have to.  He's always supportive of my dreams.  Rory was the first person to tell me that I had talent as a writer.  That meant something because sometimes I hate what I write. 

When I had writer's block, I remembered that Rory believed I was talented, so that helped me to keep writing even if it was academic.  Writing takes practice, which is why I keep writing here and in my notebooks.  I have a memory of something amazing ,which I keep with me as a confidence boost when I doubt myself.

The other was him.  When I talked to him the other day about one of my goals of getting a work visa to move to the UK, I told him the only one I could go for was the entrepreneurial visa. He remembered the museum that I want to create about Freddie Mercury.  It sounds insane and might be a pipe dream, but he always believed that I could do anything.  Sometimes he would say it was because I wasn't tied down, but a lot of the time it was because I was so smart.  That is something else that I keep. 

I suffer from a lack of self-confidence, which is a symptom of my depression.  I know that I am talented, bright and smart, but it doesn't feel that way.  In the night, I forget my goals...my dreams...all the possibilities.  Then these two memories pop into my head.  The relief is provided in the form of support.  Even if I don't speak to either one of those men again, the believed in me, which in turn makes me believe in myself. 

Confidence is an on-going process.  It's OK that we aren't always confident, but there are always moments when we can shine.  We have to fight the darkness of depression with the light of confidence.  Sometimes this confidence can come from the outside.  Confidence breeds confidence.