Today

It was a very interesting day today.  Tumultuous is probably the best word for it.  Mostly because I received disappointing news and I had to see him today. Sometimes, I wish that I could control my emotions better.

I got news that a friend of mine for many years and a co-worker will be leaving.  I am a bit disappointed because it means that I won't talk to him as much.  The daily e-mails were a distraction and something that I will miss greatly.  I know that it's time for this friend to move on from the company because he got everything he wanted to out of it.  I can't blame him and I wish him luck, yet I will miss him terribly.

I also had training today with Him.  The friend that I lost.  It was good to see him and speak to him.  It's not like it was before, but I got him things that he liked so that I could be kind.  Kindness breeds kindness in my mind.  I had a bit of vulnerability and told him that I still missed him.  I tried to be as helpful as I could as he was injured in a car accident.  I'm a softie because I still care for all my friends even if they never speak to me again.

We did talk about things a little bit.  He's doing better, which is important.  I can't say that I'm 100% back because healing takes time.  He agreed to look at my plan for an internal training program, which I'm working on through taking courses and doing research.  Ironically, a lot of good came out of the incident because I have a purpose now.  Maybe losing him was for a reason.  Before he got into his car he told me that we strive.  Sometimes that is all we can do. 

Do I still care for him?  Of course and yes, it hurts.  I mourn loss for a very long time.  I mean I still cry because Freddie Mercury is dead.  It was good to see my old friend and good to see him well.  I will always care for him and I will always miss him.  I miss the closeness.

The thing that got me the most was that he said I should be proud of myself.  That made me cry, not in front of him, but I cried nonetheless.  It's difficult for me to be proud of myself because I don't feel like I'm important.  I feel alone.  I know that makes people upset, but it's part of the illness.  Why do I survive?  I'm still unsure.

Though today was a right mess, it was good to feel peaceful for a small moment.