Love Makes Life Better

This is probably the most difficult post to write because I have never understood love.  Not in the way that I think other people do, but what I know of love, does, in fact, make life better.

I have written many times before about love.  I believe that there are many forms of love, sometimes the lines get blurred, but love is never wrong.  No matter if it's romantic, familial or platonic, love should be unconditional.  Sometimes love is painful, but love is also about forgiveness.  I found a great friend in him and I have forgiven him all his faults.  Love is also about acceptance and patience; accepting limitations and having the patience to get through the tough times.

I don't think I've ever really been in love with anyone except for maybe Freddie.  I don't know if I'm unselfish enough for romantic love.  All I really want and still want is just a really great affectionate friend.  I miss having that.  All I really wanted was to be hugged and just to hold hands.  Those are not signs of romantic love, but they are signs of love and care.

You never have to use the word love, but it represents feelings of connection that I fear I may never have.  Maybe I'm too intelligent to just let my emotions run away or perhaps my emotional education was stunted.  I will tell you this:  friendship is a form of love because they are the family you choose.  Relationships are never easy, but they are worth it because love is worth it.

All I have right now is the hope of love returning since depression robbed me of so much including my ability to care for myself let alone care for another.  I have the hope that maybe one day I can feel the love that I desire, but I have to start by loving myself first.  That is what I am striving to do, learn to love myself so that my world will be transformed by that mysterious emotion called love.  From what I have seen love can and does make life better.

Never hold it back.  Never be afraid of it.  Always embrace it.

Why?

Why am I going to start a non-profit called Pile of Good Things that educates businesses on the signs of mental illness and helps employees with their rights?  I am doing it because it needs to be done.  There are ways to approach people with the most common types of mental illnesses that doesn't offend or wound.  There is a need for this service because there is still such a stigma about mental illness.

I got told today that a pair of pants that I've been wearing to work for over a year were inappropriate because they look like jeans.  They are tight because I gained weight and I guess that that just set me off.  My weight has always been a trigger for me because I've had a weight problem because of my thyroid. 

There are ways to talk to people that aren't being done and I'm sick of it.  I'm too disgusted and upset to even write anymore.

Just Like The Movies

There are one two more posts left for ___ Makes Life Better.  This is the penultimate post for the campaign and it's on movies.  There has always been something magical about film, not just for entertainment purposes, but because there is something there that can carry our troubles away for 90 minutes at a time.  Movies make life better.

The hey day for movies was in the 1930's during the Great Depression because films distracted people from their struggles of daily life.  If inflation was taken into account, Gone With The Wind would still be the highest grossing movie ever made.  With all the costumes and stories that films bring into a darkened theater you can get so engrossed that everything else in the world disappears.

Movies have always been a coping mechanism for me.  When I was in the midst of my last depression, I went to see Silver Linings Playbook, which was mirroring my own life, but it gave me hope and it was the first time I was able to truly smile in a month.  That was the power of a film to make someone feel a different emotion.

Not all movies have to be good.  Sometimes it's fun to laugh at the bad ones that are just made for money (see Twilight).  Movies at the distraction that we all sometimes need .  We may only have a few hours escape, but in those few hours, all the cares in the world disappear. 

Even with the advent of TV, movies are still important.  It is something that cannot be interrupted.  There is just a movie and you.  The ultimate game changer.  It whisks you from the theater and can drop you in 16th century England or in a galaxy far far away or in your neighbor's house.  It doesn't matter.  What does matter is that movies make life better.

The Enemy

This week, the mirror has been my enemy.  I do not like what I see there.  I have acne again and have gained weight.  I know that this is because of my thyroid condition, but I cannot get a break and get ahead.   I feel like I weigh 500 pounds.  I am frustrated with the fact that I lost weight and was treating myself better and then boom, but to square 1.

The worst part about it is my intolerance of cold.  I am shivering all the time and cannot seem to get warm.  That is another reason why winter is difficult for me.  Before I used to love playing in the snow, now I can barely go outside.  I keep working through it.

It's frustrating that I had a campaign over the summer because I was thinner and feeling good, then 3 months later, I'm back to where I was when the incident happened.  It feels like I wasn't meant to win any battle.  I'm just going to keep fighting forever.

I'm not even going to talk about the fatigue or the fact that I can't find the time to have a blood test.  Basically, I've been lying to myself about caring about me because I'm not doing a good job.  This is yet another setback and my enemy, the mirror keeps reminding me of it.

Decadence

I feel like writing about something that is decadent and naughty for my campaign because the thing that I'm going to write about is what makes me happy.  For me, and this is a personal preference, lingerie makes life better.  Lingerie is not something that I wear for a partner or to hold things up/in, I wear lingerie for myself.

I'm not talking about cotton bras and panties, while those are comfortable and practical, they do not make me feel awesome.  I spent most of my money in college on lacy and sparkly things from Victoria's Secret.  The things that I bought made me feel like I was beautiful  The point of fancy, pretty lingerie is to make the wearer feel powerful and sexy.

While I started with VS and I still shop there, I have graduated to 2 different companies:  Soma and Agent Provocateur.  Soma is a bit more mature, but has both beautiful and practical lingerie.  The first thing I ever bought from them was a see-through silk Japanese style robe, which is sexy yet comfortable.   They can be a bit more expensive than VS, but they tend to last longer.  Then I found Agent Provocateur.

I was discussing my love of lingerie with a friend, then they told me about their favorite store, AP.  I was intrigued.   Now this lingerie is top of the line really expensive, but amazing forms of lingerie.  They have full ranges from bras, thongs and panties to corsets and pasties.  When I was in London, I went to a store with its decadent windows and spent 3 hours and an undisclosed amount of money on some of the sexiest and most beautiful lingerie I have ever got.  I have to say that the sales girl there, named Mia, made me feel like I was incredibly amazing.  They showed me a great amount of personal attention as well as a great amount of time in doing fittings.  Not to mention offering me a cup of tea since the heat wasn't working. We talked about the danger of trying on clothes with big boobs.  My size in their line is a 36 E. I left that store feeling powerful and will probably be a life long customer.

I don't wear my ridiculous lingerie for anyone but myself.  That is the purpose of lingerie, to make the wearer, myself, feel sexy, powerful and beautiful.  I can tell you that I prefer corsets, but anything will do.  My incredible lingerie makes my life better.

Below are my next two, one from Soma and one from AP.

Lost and Found

I just wanted to write because I am still overcome with emotions.  They are good emotions though because I feel warm and have a bit of a glow.  Maybe it's the memories of maybe it's the apple cider that is making me glow or perhaps it's the cookies that remind me of him.  Maybe it's because it's the Day of the Doctor.

I keep remembering the good things.  The way he made me feel understood and the fact that he made me smile.  "If it can be remembered, maybe it can come back."  The Doctor said that.  He is the dreamer of impossible dreams.  I know healing is possible in some way.  I still miss talking to him everyday, but I still hold the memories.  He still believes that I can do anything.

I am proud of myself for taking the leap to do something for the company I work for.  It's solving a problem through education.  Education is never a bad thing in my mind, which is why I have come up with a development program, which is in outline form at the moment.  I want someone else to recognize my efforts because sometimes I have a poor sense of self and need to be reminded.

I am a bit disappointed with how this campaign turned out.  It had very low numbers and not a great response overall.  I Am Not My Scars had some of the most hits of any of my writing.  I tried to do something good and it didn't work out as well as I'd planned.  Maybe I'm not a good writer after all.  Maybe I should have done research, but all the things I've written about have made my life better.

I still believe that you can love someone and not be in love with them.  I still care for people that have left me.  Maybe that is foolish, but it's just who I am.  I have a big heart that has just been broken to pieces.  I still care and am trying to fix myself, but people need people.  I spend too much time alone, I think.

Maybe I just need to keep trying and be patient.  Things always changes because the human heart is not set in stone.  I don't believe that someone can just leave and not be so sad about it.  Some care enough to let you know that they have to go and others just disappear.  The ones that care, may come back.

I have things to look forward to in the short term like the Doctor Who 50th anniversary and still have my list.  While I am sad, I am happy too.  I am better than I was 9 months ago despite my thyroid having another attack.  Not everyday is good, but there are good things that I know will continue to happen. 

The Amazement of Movement

One of the things that I love doing and that makes me feel fantastic is dancing.  I usually dance alone in my room with music blaring in my headphones. Just being able to move myself lifts my mood.  Dancing makes life better.

There is something amazing about dance that can be graceful and sexy.  Whether you dance with someone else or dance by yourself, it releases endorphins, which makes you feel good.  Sometimes I pretend to waltz with Freddie.  That way I move and can use my imagination at the same time.  I may not look great when I dance because I'm not comfortable with my body, but I can pretend that I'm graceful.

The other good thing about dance is that it is exercise.  I've been trying to find a balance, so my thyroid doesn't freak out again.  I can't bike anymore, which is bumming me out, but I can do all my strength exercises.  I might try a zumba class again because it was fun.  Dancing is supposed to be fun, which is why it makes life better.

Music can move people and sometimes that movement is physical, which is why dance is so important.  If you ever saw Silver Linings Playbook, you would know that there is a dance competition in there.  They practice their moves and have fun at the same time.  One of the characters, Tiffany even says that dance is therapy.

Movement can ease depression, which is why exercise is important, but dancing can be even more fantastic because it touches your soul as well.  Dance makes life better.

Singing

This is a guest post from my friend Ashley.  Thanks for participating in ___ Makes Life Better.

I have a contribution to your campaign. I was stuck on which to write about. but 
I think I've nailed it: Singing makes life better. I recently started taking 
voice lessons again after a 3 year absence and it just makes my day/week so much 
better. I have been performing since the age of 4 and studied professionally, 
originally majoring in voice performance in college. I have been having a rough 
time at my job this year so I thought I would go back to my roots: singing. It 
was a great decision. Know who you are, cling to it, it will strengthen you and 
heal you.

I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.  There is still time to participate, just send a message on my Facebook page.

Poetry

Out of all the forms of expression and art in the world, poetry is my favorite.  Through the stringing together of words, it can paint a picture, demonstrate joy, rage or sorrow.  Words have a great power because they touch all parts of a soul.  Words can make you see, elate you or comfort you.  Poets tend to be very messed up people, I should know as I wrote my dissertation on one. Poetry makes life better.

There is a poem for every occasion ranging from love like Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 to premature ejaculation like Rochester's An Imperfect Enjoyment.  I write poetry when I'm sad because it's a strong emotion.  You will rarely see a poem about mediocrity.  Poetry has something profound behind it, which is what makes poems magical.  

There are many poems that exist in the world in every language.  It's the form of expression that illustrates beauty, passion and despair and sometimes all at the same time.  Without this form the world would be a duller place.  The whole range of human emotions can be found in poems.  You can see the beauty of walking on a beach or the heartbreak of a lost love.  There is always something in poetry that anyone can relate to.

My challenge to you is to find a poem and read it.  Don't analyze it for its meaning, but enjoy the remarkable expression that the poet took the time to pen.  Even the simplest poems have extraordinary properties. If you would like, comment on what poem your read.  Read and enjoy because poetry makes life better.

When Your Body Turns Against You

I have mentioned that I have Hashiomoto's Thyroiditis, which means my immune system is attacking my thyroid.  The small organ at the base of your throat, which controls metabolism mostly.  With it not working properly, it can fuck up your entire life.

Depression, weight gain, hair loss, brittle nails, dry skin and fatigue are all symptoms of Hashimoto's.  I've talked about it before, so why am I repeating it?  I went to my endocrinologist today for my check up since my symptoms have come back.  I exercise, but not longer have the stamina to keep up the same speed on the bike as it actually hurts to do so.  My hair is falling out, I have the dry patches on my ankles and have thick black hair on my chin, which I pluck out everyday.  I gained all the weight I lost back again.

My body turned against me.  Every time I try to do aerobic exercise after about 3 months my body freaks out and starts attacking my thyroid again.  It just feels like I cannot win.  I have switched to lunges and squats to make up for my lack of biking.  I can still do the push ups and abs, but why does my body do this? 

I honestly used to cut sometimes to relieve some of my Hashimoto's symptoms since the cuts gave my immune system something to do.  I know how horrible that sounds, but for a short time, it made me functional.  Everything is out of control now.  This is a condition that has to be managed, but doing good things like exercising regularly is not something my body agrees with.

Since weight gain is a major symptom, guess what comes along with it?  Diabetic illnesses!  I have insulin resistance, which means I'm on diabetes medications too.  I just take too many pills and one day I would like to be off most of them.

Am I going to be stuck on a diet of celery forever?  It's difficult to get better when you feel sick all the time.  Add to the Hashimoto's allergies and asthma and I'm in pain most of the year.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't have good days, but sometimes my life is not worth living.

I want to know what it's like to not be sick anymore.  I want to not drive the people I care about away because I'm miserable.  I feel fat, ugly and stupid a lot of the time.  I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world because it's too difficult sometimes to try.  I am nauseous or have a headache 98% of the time.

I don't know what to do.  I am having a blood test soon, so hopefully my thyroid meds will be adjusted.  No one said that it would be this hard.  Today, I hate my life.

Yes, I'm working to change it, but my own body has knocked me back. Ugh.

Adventures in Cooking

One of the things that has been on my Wellness Plan is to cook once a week.  I have been slacking in recent weeks because I've just been feeling blah.  I started cooking again last week.  It helps with my concentration and my love of food.

I decided to do that in order to try to get better.  When I was depressed, I couldn't concentrate and I was eating terribly.  My stomach was holding a revolt from all the junk I was eating.  While, I'm not eating 100% healthy, cooking once a week does help me mentally and physically.

The last 2 days, I've been cooking with my mother to get ready for Thanksgiving and Hanukkah.  I made homemade applesauce with local apples and cinnamon.  I learned how to peel an apple with a knife, which helped my motor skill coordination issue.  I also helped make the potato pancakes, which make the whole house smell, but not in a bad way.  It makes it smell like fried goodness.

Today, I made pumpkin soup.  It ended up being delicious.  Yes, it was from all fresh ingredients, which definitely makes a difference.  The soup was very simple and easy to make, it was just time consuming.  Salt is definitely a miracle spice, but too much can ruin it.   I love the color of the soup, a bright orange, that reminds me of fall.  I have achieved a small goal in making this soup as it was something that I have always wanted to cook.

Cooking makes life better because it is a skill that takes time and passion to learn.  It always has an end result of either being good or bad.  The good is delicious and the bad you can laugh over.  Even a small change of cooking for yourself/family once a week makes a huge difference in outlook.  It gives me a feeling of accomplishment.

We all have to eat and there is something to be proud of when you produce a good home-cooked meal.  I enjoy learning and food, so cooking made sense for me.  Cooking does make life better.

Staying up too late

Hello, I'm the Doctor.

It's said in the fandom that those are the three words that every girl wants to hear.  Everyone has something that is bigger than themselves that they believe in, enjoy and follow.  When I was falling apart I found the Doctor.  Doctor Who makes my life better.

Sometimes it's hokey and a bit ridiculous, then again I love Queen and they were over the top and ridiculous.  Maybe it's a British thing.  Once you get past all the monsters and aliens you realize that it's a very human show.  It's about love, loss, friendship, compassion and second chances.  It also has some great quotes.  One of my favorites is:  "Dinner and bondage, works for me."

I was a mess when I started watching it.  I lost my companion and it felt like my world was destroyed.  I started watching Doctor Who from the beginning of the new series with Christopher Eccleston as the ninth Doctor.  He played the Doctor that is in the most pain, which I could relate to.  He was the loneliest person in the universe, which was cathartic to me.  There was someone else in the universe that understood how I felt, even if it was a fictional character.  He would hide his burden behind a happy-go-lucky exterior, a great smile and sassy humor. Underneath it all he was carrying a heavy burden.

When things get bad or I have a tough day, I can escape to the Doctor's world, where things always work out in the end.  Not all of it is happy, but the Doctor carries on.  I cried when Rose was trapped in another dimension and when the Tenth Doctor regenerated into Eleven.  My non profit that I'm working on came from an episode called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor couldn't save Vincent Van Gogh so that he wouldn't kill himself, but he showed Vincent that all his work wasn't worthless.

They are stories.  Stories are things that we hold onto because sometimes that's all we have.  We're all stories in the end.  I hope mine is a good one.  Even if he isn't real, the Doctor made my life better.  Maybe that's the point of it, the loneliest man in the universe tries to make the universe better.  He has such an appropriate name because it helped heal me. 

Fashion Makes Life Better

I have always picked out my own clothes since I was a small child.  Some people criticized my mother for letting me do this, but I would wear whatever I wanted.  I still do.  I can be laid back, dressy, tactless, slutty or couture.  Whatever I choose to wear makes me feel awesome.  Fashion makes life better.

I haven't always had a love of fashion because of my body type.  I'm curvy and an hourglass figure.  I have a tiny waist with wide hips.  I have spent many a jean shopping expedition crying on the floor of the fitting room.  When I was in college, there was a movement in the fashion world to have "healthy" models.  Curves started to come back into fashion and there were clothes that I could wear and look amazing in.

I have a love hate relationship with Ralph Lauren.  He makes beautiful clothes that I look fabulous in, but I can't afford them.  He created the only strapless dress that I could wear, but I couldn't afford it.  Instead I ended up with my miracle black dress (see below), which I still have and wear. Clothes and accessories are ways to express our inner feelings.  Maybe that's why I was slightly goth in High School and College. 

Fashion can turn into fantasy, can be art and can make you feel better.  Have you ever dressed up nice just for yourself to make yourself feel better?  I usually dress nice for work because it makes me feel good about myself.  Even today, I got compliments on a green tank top that I wore.  I don't think I have a pretty face or the perfect body, but I can wear some amazing clothes that flatter my body type.

Here's a challenge for all of you: wear something that makes you feel amazing.  It can be jeans and a T-shirt,  a pretty dress, your favorite scarf or sweats.  Fashion can improve life because it can make you feel gorgeous.  Post the pictures in the comments or on the facebook page. 

Fashion makes life better.

Keep Passing the Open Windows

Words and music by Freddie Mercury

This is the only life for me
Surround myself around my own fantasy
You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need
Love is all you need

Do you know what it's like to be alone in this world
When you're down and out on your luck and you're a failure?
Wake up screaming in the middle of the night
You think it's all been a waste of time
It's been a bad year
You start believing ev'rything's gonna be alright
Next minute you're down and you're flat on your back
A brand new day is beginning
Get that sunny feeling and you're on your way

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

Do you know how it feels when you don't have a friend
Without a job and no money to spend?
You're a stranger
All you think about is suicide
One of these days you're gonna lose the fight
You'd better keep out of danger - yeah!
That same old feeling just keeps burning deep inside
Keep telling yourself it's gonna be the end
Oh get yourself together
Things are looking better everyday

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

This is the only life for me
Surround myself around my own fantasy
You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need
Love is all you need

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need - yeah
Love is all you need
Baby - love is all you need

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just keep passing the open windows...

 I can't believe it's been 22 years.  I still love you.

Queen makes life better.

Struggle

I've been struggling a lot today.  I slept for twelve hours, which seems to be something that I needed, but upon waking, nothing seemed to be going well today.  I wore my mask of trying to seem ok though the sadness came bubbling through. 

Part of it is feeling that I am stuck.  Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives...getting married, finding someone, having kids, getting great careers and I'm here.  I'm going to be 28 soon and I think I'm a complete failure.  I have a Masters and am doing nothing with it.  I am at the lowest rung on my company with no chance of improvement even though I have experience in what I want to go into.  I still have symptoms of depression, which is terrible.  I feel like I have no one.

I'm in pain most of the time.  I still need to get a tooth removed, which I'm procrastinating on since I don't have the money.  My intestines keep having issues, which makes food and sex not pleasurable at all.  I wake up everyday and dry heave because of allergies.  Is this is what I get out of life, just trying to carry on through the physical pain.

I'm also lonely.  I know that people love and care about me, but I can't feel that still.  I've always had a difficult time connecting to people.  Since all my friends' lives are changing, I can't even feel most of them anymore.  The worst part for me is that I lost my movie buddy.  He has 2 jobs and found a girlfriend.  I can't begrudge him that as he's always wanted a girlfriend.  Maybe I'm just programmed differently.  Maybe I'm too independent and need my own thing. 

Maybe I'm meant to be alone.  It seems that the life that most people lead is what brings on so much unhappiness.  We don't communicate, we end up so wrapped up in building a life with the significant other that friends are put to the side.  Even when I was with someone, I made time for my friends. 

Maybe life really doesn't have a purpose.  i want to give up and hide for the rest of my life.  Maybe my campaign was a stupid idea.  Maybe it's all a lie and life isn't really worth living.  I miss having someone that just calls randomly and wants to hangout or spends all day talking. 

I can't even get the energy to cook dinner.  Nothing is lifting me today.  I'm sitting here crying while I'm writing this.  I mean I got my hair done today, went shopping and spent sometime with work friends at a bowl-a-thon, but none of it seems real or important.  I did 2/3rds of my exercises, but nothing is making me feel better.

Maybe I should just give up on the campaign.  Maybe nothing can make life better.  All of it is just silly.  Maybe life is only going to be bearable and that's the best we can hope for.  Friendships don't last, love doesn't last, happiness doesn't last, so what's the point?

Friends Make Life Better

I read once that friendships only last an average of 9 months.  That made me a bit sad because I believe and feel like people are becoming increasingly isolated by technology and illnesses.  I think friends are the most important thing in one's life because you choose them to be close to.  You go to them to have fun, be happy and support you when your relationship goes wrong.  For me, my friends mean the world.

Family is one support system, but friends are different.  I don't always get along with my family as they have their own little quirks and it's difficult for me to relate to them on some things.  With a friend you have someone that you can be weird with.  Someone that shares the same interest.  Not every friend will be someone that you bear your heart and soul to, but they can be there to just have a good time. 

To Write Love on Her Arms is having a campaign called People Need People.  It's true!  We can't all live in a vacuum, completely cut off and alone.  Part of depression makes you withdraw from everyone because of the distorted belief that the world is better off without you.  One of the things we do in therapy is make a plan to be social at least once a week.  Another person can make you forget your troubles for a little bit.  It doesn't matter what the social event is, as long as it is with another person, your friend.

When I got depressed my friends shifted a bit.  Some grew distant, while some left completely.  Others stepped forward because they cared enough to make sure I was ok.  I had one friend, Ashley, take time out of her schedule so that we could go to dinner because I was having a bad week.  Sue is always there to promote my blog because it matters to me.  Friendship is about support and the little things because the little things are what is most important. 

Humans were meant to be social creatures.  We were not meant to sit at home, watch TV or play on the computer all the time.  We were meant to go out, play games, talk over dinner and generally just hang out.  We are meant to be together, which is why friends are so important.  Some friends you might be super affectionate with, others you may never hug, others you may only see once a year, but they are all important in your life.

Yes, it hurts when friends disappear without giving a reason.  If they do give a reason, then they cared enough about you to tell you goodbye.  It might be hurting them just as much, but some things are worth getting your heart broken for. 

There will be friends that you only go out to eat with, some that you see every once in a while and then there will be friends that will pick you up off the floor.  No matter how close they are, they are still your friends and you always need them.  With depression being around people is part of what the doctor orders.  New friends, old friends, close friends, or distant friends, it doesn't matter.  Friends make life better.

Makeup Makes Life Better

For me, one of the few perks of being a girl and an adult is the fact that I get to wear makeup.  I've heard a lot of guys say they like a natural looking girl and I know people that never wear makeup.  I guess this makes me a girly girl, but I love makeup because it's fun.

Makeup is full of colors.  You can have a natural look, a dramatic look or end up looking like Lady Gaga.  It can enhance you or turn your into a fantasy.  My favorite thing to do with makeup is to make myself pretty.  I look kind of plain without makeup, but with it, I sparkle.

Every girl has a makeup must have, a favorite brand and color.  My item of choice is eyeliner.  I adore black eyeliner mostly because of Freddie Mercury whom I've loved since I was a child.  I adored the exagerrated liner that enhanced his brown eyes.  Now, I wear black eyeliner.

I'm going to now include some pictures because makeup is fun.  Fun is what makes life amazing, therefore make up makes life better.

Striving

Striving makes life better.  This is my third installment for __Makes Life Better.  I've been a little down about the reception of this campaign so far.  I was so excited about this one because I thought this could come up with things that would make people realize that life is worth living.  For me, at least, I doubt this statement.  How can life be worth it with all the bad in the world?  I came up with a campaign to look at the good in life.

Striving is something that we all must do to heal ourselves.  We must reach out beyond ourselves to a goal to get better.  Mine is writing this blog, creating a non-profit and trying to achieve my dreams.  I strive as much as I can everyday.  Achieving dreams is what makes life better, ergo striving makes life better.

Eventually, I want to thrive.  The more I strive, I may eventually thrive.  It's difficult for me manage my illness.  I don't want my life to be about just managing my depression.  I want to be alive again.  That is why I continually make goals in order to be more than just my illness.  I have 11 left on my list to finish by the beginning of March.  That is me striving.

The reason why I put striving makes life better was because that was the first kind thing he said to me since he left.  To me, that meant that he never really stopped caring.  The word "strive" is etched on my heart.  It's a motivation to keep going even though I want to give up.  I keep going because of that word even when I doubt that life is worth living.

I may sound pathetically in love with him, but I don't know what love is really.  I am striving towards a place where I will be able to feel again.  I have been depressed on and off for 15 years.  It has gone from severe to mild to remission and back again.  Depression robbed me of many of my emotions.  I could feel his care for me and I care for him and that meant more to me for those nine months than my MA or promotions or being an adult.  I saw the possibility that I could be a person again.  That is why I hold the word strive in my heart forever.

Striving makes life better because as of right now, that is all I have.

Come Back?

If you still care, would you say?
Does love still survive so much trauma?
Maybe it does, but I still doubt

I do all of this for you
in an effort to get you back
To get you to adore me again.

I still miss you
More than my pathetic heart can take
Won't you come back?

Music Makes Life Better

There have been several studies on the effects of music on the brain.  Classical music has been shown to improve brain function and learning retention.  Music has also been shown to effect mood.  This is what I wanted to tell you about today.  Music can make life better.

The key to dealing with depression is to not listen to sad music because you will start to ruminate.  When I was in the darkness of my deep depression I listened to Les Miserables a lot, which I can say wasn't helping.  I kept thinking about the loss that I had suffered and how life (work) had, at least in my mind, killed my dream.  What I needed was something upbeat to lift me out of my funk.

Whenever I'm a mess, P!nk seems to come out with an album that describes what I'm going through.  Her song, "Try" helped me immensely.  It was about losing someone and trying to carry on in spite of it. Now her song, "Just Give Me A Reason," is on all the time.  Now, while the lyrics are what I listen to more, the music itself is upbeat. It has been stated that when you're happy you hear the music, but when sad, you hear the lyrics.  I think a combination of both can lift the spirit.

When I was at a therapy session, my therapist suggested that I create a playlist of uplifting music.  A lot of what was on it was pop music because it's also good to exercise to.  That's a different post though.  I do suggest that people make a "happy" playlist, which is just a bunch of songs that lift your mood.  Mine also has a lot of 80's music.  That seems to be happy music because music that came out of the 80's was slightly ridiculous.

Bottom line is that whatever your musical tastes, your favorite artist, or just liking the beat, music makes life better. It's not something huge, but it can improve life 3 minutes at a time.

Writing Makes Life Better

First thing is that I'm going to explain the campaign, ___ Makes Life Better and then I will launch into the first part of the campaign,which is close to my heart.  Writing is what makes my life better and that is how we will launch the new campaign.

The way that this campaign is going to work is that it will be completely written.  I have come up with a list of things that make life worth living and will post them here.  Some of the things I do, some of them I would like to do and some I may start to do.  They are not all activities, some are shows, others are hobbies.  I also want to hear from you.  What makes your life better?  It can be anything.  This campaign runs from today through November 30.  You can message me on my Facebook page if you would like me to post one for you.  These are based on opinions, not scientific fact.

This campaign was all inspired while I was in Mystic and I read a book Famous Last Words.  When I read Vincent Van Gogh's, it inspired me to do this.  He said that painting makes life bearable.  I wanted something a bit more positive.  Life should be more than just bearable.  It should be fantastic, but with depression that is the most difficult thing for life to be.

So for me, the first thing that makes my life better is writing.  Writing makes life better.  I've been writing since I was in high school.   When my first depression hit, I started writing poetry like mad.  It helped get the impossible feelings of despair out of my head.  Rory, my English teacher, said that I had talent as a poet.   That made me start believing in my small talent as a writer.  I get ideas for stories all the time and try to write them down.  They are mostly just flashes, but they are there.

I've written plays, essays, poems.  Now, I'm focusing on writing this blog and writing letters.  I volunteer for for More Love Letters, where I leave letters of encouragement all over the place for someone to find to hopefully lift their day.  I had a few years where I had writer's block because all the creativity was sucked out of me, most likely from academics and a low grade depression.  However, I am writing now, which is all that matters.

There is power in the written word that transcends everything.  Words have the power to lift and the power to destroy.  They can paint a mental picture, transport you to a different world, make you fall in love and break your heart.  Being able to do these things with a pen and paper or a keyboard makes my life fantastic.

Stay tuned for other things that make life worth living.