When Your Body Turns Against You

I have mentioned that I have Hashiomoto's Thyroiditis, which means my immune system is attacking my thyroid.  The small organ at the base of your throat, which controls metabolism mostly.  With it not working properly, it can fuck up your entire life.

Depression, weight gain, hair loss, brittle nails, dry skin and fatigue are all symptoms of Hashimoto's.  I've talked about it before, so why am I repeating it?  I went to my endocrinologist today for my check up since my symptoms have come back.  I exercise, but not longer have the stamina to keep up the same speed on the bike as it actually hurts to do so.  My hair is falling out, I have the dry patches on my ankles and have thick black hair on my chin, which I pluck out everyday.  I gained all the weight I lost back again.

My body turned against me.  Every time I try to do aerobic exercise after about 3 months my body freaks out and starts attacking my thyroid again.  It just feels like I cannot win.  I have switched to lunges and squats to make up for my lack of biking.  I can still do the push ups and abs, but why does my body do this? 

I honestly used to cut sometimes to relieve some of my Hashimoto's symptoms since the cuts gave my immune system something to do.  I know how horrible that sounds, but for a short time, it made me functional.  Everything is out of control now.  This is a condition that has to be managed, but doing good things like exercising regularly is not something my body agrees with.

Since weight gain is a major symptom, guess what comes along with it?  Diabetic illnesses!  I have insulin resistance, which means I'm on diabetes medications too.  I just take too many pills and one day I would like to be off most of them.

Am I going to be stuck on a diet of celery forever?  It's difficult to get better when you feel sick all the time.  Add to the Hashimoto's allergies and asthma and I'm in pain most of the year.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't have good days, but sometimes my life is not worth living.

I want to know what it's like to not be sick anymore.  I want to not drive the people I care about away because I'm miserable.  I feel fat, ugly and stupid a lot of the time.  I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world because it's too difficult sometimes to try.  I am nauseous or have a headache 98% of the time.

I don't know what to do.  I am having a blood test soon, so hopefully my thyroid meds will be adjusted.  No one said that it would be this hard.  Today, I hate my life.

Yes, I'm working to change it, but my own body has knocked me back. Ugh.