I've been struggling a lot today. I slept for twelve hours, which seems to be something that I needed, but upon waking, nothing seemed to be going well today. I wore my mask of trying to seem ok though the sadness came bubbling through.
Part of it is feeling that I am stuck. Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives...getting married, finding someone, having kids, getting great careers and I'm here. I'm going to be 28 soon and I think I'm a complete failure. I have a Masters and am doing nothing with it. I am at the lowest rung on my company with no chance of improvement even though I have experience in what I want to go into. I still have symptoms of depression, which is terrible. I feel like I have no one.
I'm in pain most of the time. I still need to get a tooth removed, which I'm procrastinating on since I don't have the money. My intestines keep having issues, which makes food and sex not pleasurable at all. I wake up everyday and dry heave because of allergies. Is this is what I get out of life, just trying to carry on through the physical pain.
I'm also lonely. I know that people love and care about me, but I can't feel that still. I've always had a difficult time connecting to people. Since all my friends' lives are changing, I can't even feel most of them anymore. The worst part for me is that I lost my movie buddy. He has 2 jobs and found a girlfriend. I can't begrudge him that as he's always wanted a girlfriend. Maybe I'm just programmed differently. Maybe I'm too independent and need my own thing.
Maybe I'm meant to be alone. It seems that the life that most people lead is what brings on so much unhappiness. We don't communicate, we end up so wrapped up in building a life with the significant other that friends are put to the side. Even when I was with someone, I made time for my friends.
Maybe life really doesn't have a purpose. i want to give up and hide for the rest of my life. Maybe my campaign was a stupid idea. Maybe it's all a lie and life isn't really worth living. I miss having someone that just calls randomly and wants to hangout or spends all day talking.
I can't even get the energy to cook dinner. Nothing is lifting me today. I'm sitting here crying while I'm writing this. I mean I got my hair done today, went shopping and spent sometime with work friends at a bowl-a-thon, but none of it seems real or important. I did 2/3rds of my exercises, but nothing is making me feel better.
Maybe I should just give up on the campaign. Maybe nothing can make life better. All of it is just silly. Maybe life is only going to be bearable and that's the best we can hope for. Friendships don't last, love doesn't last, happiness doesn't last, so what's the point?
You create your reality. Your perceptions and what you choose to focus on become what you experience. If there are things you want in your life, make a plan and take steps towards them. This can often mean facing your own insecurities, and confronting dishonesties you have convinced yourself of. It can mean confronting the perception you have created of who you "are". That can be scary stuff, but scary doesn't mean it's bad, or impossible. Overcoming depression is an important step, but it alone cannot give you a sense of meaning. When you spend your whole day focused on being depressed, or being i recovery from depression you are creating a life focused on exactly what you hope to overcome, and by doing so you only reinforce it. Think of times you are concentrating on a mistake you DONT want to make - doesn't it become almost inevitable that you'll make that very mistake? This is because you're focusing on what you don't want, instead of what you do. People who are happy have a sense of purpose in life. They achieve this by fearlessly living as they wish to live. Insisting on it. The point is definitely not to give up. The point is to take responsibility for what you put your energy towards, that the life you create as a result. All the best.
ReplyDelete