Review or 200th post

This is the 200th post on my blog.  I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It's good to have an outlet like this because that way it's not constantly running around in my mind.  I would like to say that I'm doing better, but it's still progressing in stages.  I'm not back to who I was before the incident. 

Work is still a bit stressful because of all the staff changes.  I'm probably burning out.  I miss him everyday.  He's gone back to being quiet, well kind of.  I think a lot of people misunderstand what I am.  My gender is both and neither while my sexuality is omni and a at the same time.  It gets a little confusing.  I'm not sure if I've ever been in love with someone.  I know that he calmed me and balanced me out so that for a moment, I could have been a functioning human being.

I think I've been a drain on all of my friends.  It might not get any different in the future.  I'm still looking for an apartment, but trying to pay off some debts.  Therefore I do not have money for a deposit.  I might have to get a roommate, but I kind of don't want one.  I'm not an easy person to live with. 

I enjoy writing in this blog because it helps me reflect and tell stories.  We're all stories in the end.   I will continue writing because it's the one thing that makes my life bearable.  My life will never be easy.  I know that with Hashimoto's, depression will always be lurking just out of view.  I'm not fully alive.  I live in some kind of twilight state where time is confusing.  Maybe I am a Time Lord.

I have found out the not everything is black and white.  You can still have feelings for people, but can't make them stay.  I found the Doctor.  I'm trying to get back on track and it may take a long time.

I'll post the end of the Good Things Campaign tomorrow.

Frustrated Again

I know that there is bullshit at any job.  Work politics and fear of change are the main two reasons for many's frustrations.  My frustration is over a sales tactic that is high in cost and low in return.  Yet we always go back to it hoping it will change.  That is the definition of insanity.  I'm the one with a mental illness, so I can spot crazy.  Mailings are crazy.

If you are a nonprofit seeking donations, then a mailing is appropriate for past donors.  Other places only do a marketing campaign with mailings because it get about a 1% return for business.  That's a lot of money in postage.  When it's for an intangible service, I believe that it's even harder.

I tried something more innovative with rewards and self-motivation, but that got almost no support from the managers.  Well, it was supported, but there was very little follow-up and maintenance,  It's also very difficult with rotating staff.

I think my company's business plan is very poor and will fail without major innovation.  Something has got to change.  I have learned a lot about how to not run an effective business.  I am still in the process of research for Pile of Good Things.  I have 2 programs that I want to run, but still have to file the paperwork.  That is my goal for the next 6 months is to find people to help me with that like a lawyer.

Now, if only I can repair that damage that was caused last year.  I am trying so hard to care.  Maybe I just need a night of beer and pizza.

Good Things Day 25 and 26

The last 2 days were about my mom.  My mother may not be the easiest person to live with, but she always helps out.  I know that she cares because she does research to help with my depression.  She is also looking for an apartment for me.

I went to Homegoods after a lovely lunch with a friend.  I usually go there because it's the only place that I can find some UK products that I like such as Yardley.  I found a lily of the valley soap for my mom since it's something that she loves.  I also got her a Yardley Royal English Daisy hand and nail cream.  It made her happy.

Today, after a rough morning, my mom made sure that I took my vitamin C powder, which is helping me have a bit more energy.  I then told her I was going to go to Kohl's to look for trousers for work.  Since I am the largest size in Regular clothes, my mother suggested that I go to the Avenue.  I went to the Avenue, which I found out was clothing.  I got my mom 3 shirts and a pair of leggings.  It was $10 a piece.  I also got the things that I needed. 

It was little gifts for mom weekend.

Good Things Day 21, 22, 23 and 24

On Tuesday, I sent my friend a sticker and some Doctor Who Figures.  She enjoyed them.  Yay Employee appreciation.

On Wednesday,I worked on taking care of myself. I was having a bad day since it was snowing and getting to work on time seemed impossible. I shoveled my driveway and went to my job. After work, I took a nice long bubble bath. 

Yesterday, I worked on cleaning and looking into where to donate extra products that I have.  I think they are going to end up going to the local food pantry since they hand out more than just food.  I will set up an appointment for sometime next week.

Today, I got a letter from someone that I sent a small token of appreciation to.  I have never met this person face to face, but she's always kind when I e-mail her for information.  I found out she was a whovian because of a quote on my signature line.  I was glad that I could show my appreciation with something that she liked.

Loyalty

So this is one of those bad days that I usually have in January.  It snowed last night and I had to shovel the driveway.  My drive is not a small flat one, it's kind of long and on a steep angle.  Luckily, the snow wasn't heavy, so I was only 15 minutes late to work.  I was mad at my job today because we were one of the few places that didn't delay an opening.  Well, dying on your way to work is healthy.

It's really slow today as well because it's Arctic temperatures outside.  If I didn't have to leave the house, let alone my bed, I wouldn't have.  I am here though and am depressed.  I'm still mad at myself for messing up and not getting promoted.  Maybe I really don't belong anywhere. 

It's a struggle to stay alive.  I don't love my job nor do I hate it.  Working with the public is difficult because there is a sense of entitlement in the US that I don't sense from other countries.  Some people appreciate that you are there to help them while others treat you as a servant who gets no gratitude whatsoever.  It just makes me want to give up sometimes, the inconsistency of it all.

I'm still working on Pile of Good Things.  I wrote our mission statement, but haven't shared it with anyone apart from friends since I don't have a board to officially adopt it.  Helping people like me will be a challenge because thinking distortion is prevalent, no matter how much we try to hide it.  First step is going to be finish the book and then work on getting all the legal paperwork done.

I wish that I could do more to make him realize that he's not in control of his disorder.  It looks more like cyclothymia to me.  I just have to let him be and let him sort himself out.  When his boss is gone, I believe things will be better.  It's amazing how bullying happens in the workplace and no one really notices.  It's just as devastating as an adult as it was as a child.

I think it will take a few years to recover and become productive.  I am hard on myself because what I want doesn't exist.  I believe in loyalty, but it seems no one in this world is loyal.  A long time ago, companies were loyal to their employees and vice versa.  That is no longer the case.  I am a millennial.  Jobs seems to have as much contempt for us because of our lack of loyalty as we do for the jobs.  I want to be loyal to a job or to someone, but with all the jealousy and competition for money, it seems unlikely.

I just want something more than what I have now.  I am sorry that I lost a lot of people and it seems almost impossible to get them back.

Good Days 19 and 20

On the 19th, I did something that was socially responsible.  I have a student in my class and I was concerned about her socialization skills.  She usually sits alone and works by herself.  I have had her sit with the other girls who have been together for a long time and understand many of the concepts that I teach.  I asked her other teachers the student is the same in her class.  The other teacher said that student sits alone and doesn't interact with the other students.  I sent a note of concern home and hopefully, the family will follow up.

Yesterday,  I went to the mall since I had a coupon.  I'm not going to say anything about the shopping for clothes for work debacle.  I went and got some figures and stickers, which I am sending to friends. I want to make people smile.

Good Things Day 17 and 18

Yesterday, even though I was exhausted from working a ten hour day, which was busy, I still went to services to sing.  I sing in the choir and I'm told that I have a good voice.  It helps me to sing and it helps me and enhances the service.

Today, it started to snow, which was unexpected.  I brushed off everyone's car while we had a late customer.  I also shoveled my driveway all by myself.  It was all painful work as the snow was wet and heavy.  I'm just trying to help people out.

Good Thing Day 15 and 16

Yesterday, I went to the mall because I was feeling down.  I started to walk around thinking that most of the sales were over.  I was surprised to find out that that they were not.  I went to Bath and Body Works and bought a body butter and a shower gel.  My intention is to donate them to a woman's shelter.  It might not be much, but it might be a luxury that they don't have.

Today, I did something else that was small.  I held the door for someone.  I know that it is a very small courtesy, but courtesy is something lacking in many places.  It was something to help another person.

I have plans for next week.  I'm excited for them.

Giving Up

I am so done with today.  I can't even remember the good things that I've done for the last few days because I believe that I haven't done any.  I just keep failing at things.

I miss my old life where I had someone to talk to and a person to hang out with.  I miss having awesome game nights.  I never really got along with having a boyfriend.  I'm not girlfriend material and no one should be subjected to me like that.  I miss knowing that someone was thinking about me. 

Why do I always lose? I think I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head.  A lot of the time, I am not a person to sit at home.  I'm just done with my life right now.  Next person that says it will get better, I'm going to punch in the face.  With chronic depression, it doesn't get better.  It gets different.  The sadness doesn't go away, we just learn how to deal with it better.

I really don't want this life anymore.  I don't hate my job, I hate my HR department.  I don't really know where I want to live and I don't like the way I look.  Maybe I should be alone.

Good Things Day 10 and 11

I didn't really do anything for the tenth day because I received some disappointing news that I was expecting.  I will not be put forward for promotion because of a warning, which was completely my mistake, but that's what happens from early signs of burnout.

I was open with my disappointment, which I guess made people share their bad days.  Let's just say that day 10 was a bad day all around.  I did go to services later that night and sang.  I do enjoy singing, but sometimes get stage fright singing on my own.  A lot of people complimented my voice.

On Day 11, I got a call that the director of the drum corps that I was in as a child was celebrating her 40th anniversary with the corps.  It was meant to be a surprise.  I walked in and totally didn't blow the surprise.  I saw a few people that I hadn't seen in years.  I can't believe that some of us have children and gray hair. 

The most important thing is that we made the director happy by showing up and giving our support. 

I am running out of things to do, but I'm sure that opportunities will present themselves.

The Best Advice

I was thinking about this last night and today it seem appropriate to talk about it.  When I was working at the local movie theater, we would occasionally have famous people come in.  I worked at the theater whenever I was on college breaks.  That's when it was busiest anyway.  That's how I met Harvey Fierstein.   For those of you who don't know who he is, he is an actor who is famous for his gravelly voice.   He was in films like Independence Day and Mrs. Doubtfire.  He is currently involved in the musical, Kinky Boots on Broadway.

Mr. Fierstein lives a few towns away, so he would come to the movies sometimes.  I would talk to him a bit when he would come in.  After college, I worked at the theater for a while.  The last time I talked to Mr. Ferstein was the week before I left to get a "real job."  I told him that I have a college degree, I can't spend my entire life here.  His reply has always stayed with me.

"Well, you could, but your life would be very sad."  he said in a matter of fact tone.  It was one of the most profound things ever said to me.  A man who I sold tickets to every once in a while saw enough in me to know that I was too smart to stay in a place like that.  Maybe I had more talent than even I believed.

The reason why it was appropriate to write about it today was that I got notified that my application for promotion would not be considered because I got a verbal warning the day after I applied.  It was my fault and the warning was the correct course of action.  2013 was a very bad year for me.  I can point every bad thing that happened to one day, February 6, which will forever be called Doomsday.  My brain completely altered due to a severe bout of depression.  I have not fully recovered.  I am no longer as careful as I once was.

I will continue to work on Pile of Good Things.  I don't know why companies can get away with destroying their employees lives.  True, we all have the freedom to go somewhere else to work, but for those of us with a mental illness, the same problems tend to arise no matter where we work.  I will work to change that.  Depression changes almost everything including thought patterns.  Knowledge is power.  Through education and communication we can create a healthy work environment.

So, thank you, Mr. Fierstein, for that one moment where you knew that I was meant for something more.  You are amazing.

Good Things Day 8 and 9

On day 8, I bought lunch for my dad.  I go to lunch almost every week with my dad at a little diner, which has good food for inexpensive prices.  Since I don't make so much money, my dad usually subsidizes my half.  Once I gave him a half dollar cause that's all the cash I had on me.  That is one of his favorite stories to tell.  I decided to treat him to lunch since he always pays for mine.

Today was day 9.  I am suffering from exhaustion again.  I also have a headache from it as well as still feeling the hole that is in me.  I already did his stuff for this campaign so it's time to work on other things.  Today, I talked to my friend Sue. I hope I focused most of the conversation on  her.  I know that she is stressed out from a lot of things and I'm not helping matters.  So, I just tried to be a friend and listen today.

Still have no idea what else to do, but we'll take it as it comes.

Good Things Days 6 and 7.

Yesterday on Day 6, I bought a Pepsi for my friend.  Again it was something small, but I wanted to get her something to thank her for being a good friend.  I happen to love regular Pepsi, but it is so not healthy.

Today on Day 7, I was focusing on myself.  I will probably take a bath and go to bed around 10 because I haven't been taking care of myself and I need to start doing so.  Also giving myself a treat of Reese's peanut butter cups.

Questioning

I've been questioning myself a lot lately.  I'm not sure if it's from the season glumness or that I'm just passively giving up due to laziness.  I am still slacking on my wellness plan in order to accomplish other things.  I don't believe that I am back in the correct mindspace.

Winter does have its perks like a new season of Sherlock and fires in the fireplace.  Other than that I am in pain because of my thyroid.  Resting isn't even restful to me.  I think I just need time to slow down and finish those things that are the most necessary.  I will finish my current set of CFT courses before I take anymore. 

I am still working on Pile of Good Things, but I am going to take that really slow too.  I have a lot of legal things to do first like establish articles of incorporation.  I also need to develop the programs for the employee referrals as well as the educational training for employers.  I also need to find people to serve on the board.  It's not easy work fighting an egregious injustice.

I am not doing a good job of taking care of myself.  I know that my mother thinks the cure to everything is having a boyfriend.  If I can't handle myself, how can I handle anyone else's crap?  I am just in a mode that isn't like anyone else.  I do not want any type of relationship beyond friendship.

My job is in a state of flux too.  Sometimes I wish that my real life was the dream and my dream life was real.  My dream life is full of goodness and impossible possibilities.  In the real world, I am limited by my surroundings and my own limitations.  The truth is that I'm sick.  I'm not heroic or pretty or noble.  I'm just someone that doesn't belong anywhere anymore.

I think right now, I'm just exhausted and lost.

Good Things day 4 and 5.

Yesterday my good thing was to go back to sleep.  I was such a mess and was so low that my gift to the world was to try not to hurt anyone.

Today, I went to a movie with my best friend and her fiancee.  I bought them dinner afterward from Bertucci's.  I had the pizza verde which was fresh mozzarella, prosciutto and arugula.  I also gave my best friend a mini beluga with blown glass.

The movie I saw was Saving Mr. Banks.  Mary Poppins was one of my favorite movies growing up and this was a movie about the author, who was very confrontational with Walt Disney.  Mary Poppins doesn't come to save the children, she really comes to save the father because the author couldn't save her own father.  It was very touching.  My favorite part was just a small little part about how people with disabilities can acheive great things.  Just something to remember for Pile of Good Things.

Disappointment

I applied for a promotion at my job yesterday, but don't think I'm going to get it.  It's 2 steps above where I am now and I got a verbal warning this morning.  It was for a mistake I made and I didn't realize it.  Sarcasm isn't worth it.

Maybe I should just be someone else.  Anyone else really because I don't think I'm good enough.  I know that we all make mistakes and some of them are costly.  Ever since I came back from Graduate School, my life has been one mistake to another. 

I'm going back to bed for now.  When I wake up, I'll work on my lesson plan for tomorrow.

Good Thing Day 3

I sent someone a card that said, "You will always be awesome!"  with some chocolates.  Small things can turn into big smiles!

Good Thing Day 1 and 2

On January first I took care of all my laundry that was laying around the house.

Today, January 2, I sent in an employee recognition nomination for him.  It seems like they are changing the program so I don't know what will happen with that, but at least I tried.  He's added so much to me and even if it is just an e-mail here or there it still counts.  I miss having a companion so much.

Explanation

I always have this one friend who I can't explain my thinking to.  I believe that there is a connection between texting, IMs and social media and the rise in depression.  Having friends that you only speak to via text is not the same as spending time with them.  Texting may be more convenient, but it doesn't replace a human voice.

I have Hashimoto's Thryroiditis.  It's a condition where the immune system attacks the thyroid.  It can be managed, but it cannot be cured.  It can sometimes be unpredictable.  The worst part of it for me is that when I do well on exercising I have a thyroid episode that takes forever to get back to stable.  Last time this happened it took 6 months to get back to a stable place physically.  One of the worst parts about Hashimoto's is that depression is a symptom of it.  For me it's a major symptom that never really goes away.

One of the things that is recommended is spending time with people, meaning face to face time.  The point of that is to not be in your own head.  When on Facebook, Twitter or text you're still stuck in your own head.  It's difficult to be positive when another's facial expressions and voices are absent.  I used to have a lot of parties because I could see people and do something fun.  I had a party for New Year's and no one came.  I'm not even sure if I want to have anymore.  Maybe just something for my birthday.

I've never really been close to my family enough to discuss issues.  They know I have Hashimoto's and that depression is a symptom, but it's not as supportive as I would have liked.  I do go to lunch once a week with my dad, which is nice.  That can help a bit. 

I know that a positive outlook can help depression, but Hashimoto's can be a major complication.  Cancer most people can understand. People with cancer are determined to fight for their lives because there is a possibility that it can be beaten. Hashimoto's is not something that people have heard of let alone can understand.  While Hashimoto's won't kill me, it makes life miserable at times. Most people haven't heard of it and it's difficult to explain how detrimental it can be.  It's extremely frustrating to be doing great and then all of a sudden be zapped of all energy, joy and positivity because your body doesn't agree with your agenda. 

I know that it's difficult to be friends with me, but I need that face to face time.  I can't be with my therapist all the time and I've improved a lot since the incident.  Dealing with Hashimoto's isn't about having support because most of what I have to do has to be done alone. 

Sometimes all that needs to be said is that it's ok to be mad at your body.  Moods always change.  I have been so tired.  I just started new medication, but it takes a few weeks for it to work.  After a Hashimoto's episode everyday is a struggle till it evens out again. 

I have hope, but not necessarily positivity.  My life is going to change again this year.  My support system changed completely.  It will probably change again.  I don't want friends to help and give me advice because it frustrates them.  I just want someone to listen.  Most people think that therapists give advice, they don't, they challenge you to find your own answers.  I want my friends to be a distraction not advice givers.  I know myself enough and my conditions that I don't need help.  I need to have fun and feel normal.

I will miss him for a long time yet.  My conditions make it difficult to be positive.  I try everyday and I am not the same person I was.  I have a chronic unpredictable condition.  They don't have support groups for people with Hashimoto's.  The best medicine is to act as if everything is normal.  See a movie, talk on the phone or just go out to dinner.  That's how you support someone and possibly if that person has Hashimoto's maybe turn up the heat.