Loyalty

So this is one of those bad days that I usually have in January.  It snowed last night and I had to shovel the driveway.  My drive is not a small flat one, it's kind of long and on a steep angle.  Luckily, the snow wasn't heavy, so I was only 15 minutes late to work.  I was mad at my job today because we were one of the few places that didn't delay an opening.  Well, dying on your way to work is healthy.

It's really slow today as well because it's Arctic temperatures outside.  If I didn't have to leave the house, let alone my bed, I wouldn't have.  I am here though and am depressed.  I'm still mad at myself for messing up and not getting promoted.  Maybe I really don't belong anywhere. 

It's a struggle to stay alive.  I don't love my job nor do I hate it.  Working with the public is difficult because there is a sense of entitlement in the US that I don't sense from other countries.  Some people appreciate that you are there to help them while others treat you as a servant who gets no gratitude whatsoever.  It just makes me want to give up sometimes, the inconsistency of it all.

I'm still working on Pile of Good Things.  I wrote our mission statement, but haven't shared it with anyone apart from friends since I don't have a board to officially adopt it.  Helping people like me will be a challenge because thinking distortion is prevalent, no matter how much we try to hide it.  First step is going to be finish the book and then work on getting all the legal paperwork done.

I wish that I could do more to make him realize that he's not in control of his disorder.  It looks more like cyclothymia to me.  I just have to let him be and let him sort himself out.  When his boss is gone, I believe things will be better.  It's amazing how bullying happens in the workplace and no one really notices.  It's just as devastating as an adult as it was as a child.

I think it will take a few years to recover and become productive.  I am hard on myself because what I want doesn't exist.  I believe in loyalty, but it seems no one in this world is loyal.  A long time ago, companies were loyal to their employees and vice versa.  That is no longer the case.  I am a millennial.  Jobs seems to have as much contempt for us because of our lack of loyalty as we do for the jobs.  I want to be loyal to a job or to someone, but with all the jealousy and competition for money, it seems unlikely.

I just want something more than what I have now.  I am sorry that I lost a lot of people and it seems almost impossible to get them back.