The Constant Pattern

Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a constant pattern of triumphs and setbacks.  Depression is an illness that gets managed, not cured.  Perhaps one day it could be curable, but it's mostly about putting it into remission, but there is always a chance of it coming back without vigilance.

My major setbacks have to do with exercise and eating.  It's more comforting to eat junk food than it is to eat vegetables.  I also have a stop-start pattern to exercise.  Also I'm lacking at posting the 1 good thing and cooking once a week.  The exercise is probably the hardest part because we are programed to be lazy.  I got into a routine, but after my last thyroid episode, I got way off track. 

I can get off the anti-depressant if I have a consistent exercise plan.  The most difficult part is getting the motivation to do it.  I mean it seems like it should be easier to do since I dislike my body.  I am so overweight that it effects everything.  It's just a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in.  I can't exercise too much because my thyroid will have an episode, but if I don't exercise at all, I feel low.

I'm also stuck with loneliness.  I know that I'm not alone because 1 in 5 people in the US suffer from mental illness, but depression is quite isolating.  We live in a society where we have to pretend everything is fine under the guise of being professional.  Everyone gets told to leave their problems at the door, but the truth is that no one can be that compartmentalized.  My bad days are not like a functional person's bad days.  I get quiet and starting wishing that I had died a year ago when my old life died.  The worst is at night. That's when I'm exceptionally lonely.

The best part about him was that he made me less lonely.  He didn't make the illness go away, but he stopped one of the worst triggers for me.  I never got to tell him.  His paranoia made the decision for him that his job/mortgage was more important than a friend.  I still miss him and probably always will.  The worst part about this is that I'm back to where I started.  I have a low grade depression that is triggered by loneliness.  Maybe I was never meant to be human. 

I'm kind of stuck right now in this cycle.  Hopefully I can start my nonprofit and break free.

I'd Give Up Forever

I'm a historian essentially.  I know that there are always cycles and lessons to be learned from the past.  I always look back and see what can be learned because human nature has not really changed in 500 hundred years.  I'm a historian, we don't move on.

I would give up forever to just hold his hand.  I don't need a lover, I just need a really good friend to just talk to everyday.  Most of my day consists of working on myself and talking to Geof and Sarah because I don't have very many people to talk to about everything like I did with him.  I wish I knew what was going on with him aside from his paranoia getting the better of him.

As for Pile of Good Things, I'm still in the research phase.  I think I rushed things a bit in terms of fundraising because I don't really have any programs set up yet.  I have a lot of research and classes left to do before I even recruit a board of directors.  I'm glad that I did the crowd funding and I can always come up with more campaigns through them.

I'd give up the world for a kind word from him or a word of encouragement like he used to.  I'm doing a lot better, but I still have a lot of self-doubt when it comes to PoGT.  I know that I have to help in some way because employers are putting their employees mental health at risk and it's unnecessary.  There are ways to cut costs without harming employees.  I just have to come up with ways to show it.  I also want to teach employers about mental illness so that their employees can get help before it gets worse.  I just need someone to tell me that I don't suck.  Someone that completely matters to me.  Worst of all, is that I fear I will never trust anyone that much again.

Time will tell, but I've been hurt.  True real love lasts forever and it doesn't matter who it is to.  I just want this:

Relationships, not rules

I was reading a book for research purposes for Pile of Good Things because it's a book about helping those who self injure.  It's called Inside a Cutter's Mind.  I like the book so far as a whole, but am not completely down with the spiritual/religious viewpoint of healing.  However there was one quote in it that I immediately loved, "Relationships -not rules- hold lives together."

I think people use rules sometimes as a way to distance themselves from others.  It is true though that a friend, a lover, or a family member are sometimes more important than any rule in the world.  Rules can be oppressive, which can cause tension in ourselves.  That was the point of the story that had the quote come about.  The family that the boy lived with was extremely strict, so the boy started acting out.  The parents put all the rules in place like going to bed at 9 and only being able to listen to christian music in order to protect their children.  In this case, those rules had the opposite effect of what the parents intended.

Everyone needs people.  Not just their spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.  People need friends, family, acquaintances and partners to make their lives complete.  We need more than one person in our lives because we all bring different things to the plate.  I am completely different from anyone else that I know.  I might as well be a Time Lord since I don't fit in anywhere.  I know it's difficult to be friends with me because of my illness.  Can you imagine what being in an intimate relationship with me would be like? 

I lost my companion, who was one of the best friends I ever had, under the guise of professionalism, another stupid rule.  There are so many preferential relationships in my job that it is so hypocritical that I got reported.  I had someone that accepted me for once.  I am a quandary, but that's me.  I don't fit in and maybe that's why I'm good at leading.  I stand out. The downside to that is that I'm really lonely.

I suffer from depression and changing my outlook on life is not always that simple.  I highly doubt that there is someone out there for me.  If I have to fit in then I will not be me anymore.  We're all stories in the end and I don't want mine to be about how I bent backwards towards everyone elses' rules.  I choose my friends over my job any day.  However, I might be the only one to think this way because it's my relationships that are keeping me alive, not societal rules that are.  I am me and I am awesome.

Remission

I am excited because my anxiety disorder is in remission, which means progress.  I know that the depression will take a lot longer to overcome, but at least progress is being made for the better.  There is a way that I can tell that my anxiety is in remission and I'll tel you about it.

In September 2012, I had a panic attack at work because we were severely short staffed and the float decided to call out because he had a "stomach ache," but he was probably hung over and it was too far for him to drive.  It was only me and my manager that day and for some reason every customer we ever had decided to show up in a 2 hour period.  Eventually we got another float to cover, but I hadn't calmed down.  That was awful.

This past Tuesday, my supervisor was sick and the float wasn't coming in until 9:30.  While it was busy and I had a ton of extra work to do, but I remained calm and got through with very minimal effort.  It was then that I realized I no longer had any anxiety issues.  I can't describe how freeing that felt.  Recovery is an excellent feeling.

I know the depression will take a lot longer to recover from.  I am doing a lot better, but I am still plagued with weight issues and self-doubt.  Those can be worked on and that's what I intend to do.  I want to be healthy enough to get off the antidepressants, which my APRN said was a possibility if I had a consistent exercise plan.  Since it is warming up, I will walk for at least 20 minutes.  Walking is low impact and doesn't cause my thyroid to go crazy.  One day, I hope to join the YMCA, so I can use a pool.  I tend to like swimming because it works out the whole body.

It's taken a year, but I am improving.  There is still so much that I need to learn and so much that I want.  I want to start a non profit to help other people like me and to help make sure that the work place is a healthy environment for people with mental illness.  Helping people understand that mental illness is not a character defect and that working can help us get better, is something that is needed.

I'm glad that the anxiety is in remission.  Things are looking good.

Fear of Failure

I am freaking out over my fundraising efforts for Pile of Good Things.  Everyone I talk to says it's a good idea, but actually funding a start up is risky.  I need help.

I need a lot of help with this.  There is something desperately wrong with companies in the United States and the public in general do not understand mental illnesses as medical conditions.  Those that suffer just get poor performance reviews or told that the job doesn't fit that person.  I don't think that that is the case at all.  There is also a possibility that because of the stigma of mental illness that many people go undiagnosed either due to denial or the belief that they can cope.

I believe that companies have social responsibility for their communities, but seem to have very little for their employees.  They just push them off on EAPs, but for the chronically ill, EAP does very little for them.  Don't get me wrong, EAPs are a great resource, but should not be the be all and end all of employer responsibility.  I have used EAP and they have great articles, but they only can do so much.  Employers can only do so much as well, but it's nice to know that employers care about their employees. 

I work for a company that seemingly pretends that it cares and then just backs up management therefore making the employees look like they are the ones with the problems or that they're crazy.  Also, whoever is the favorite and complains the loudest gets the extra help, which puts strain on the offices that need the support.

Depression is devastating for everyone.  Think of how much more productive I could have been if I didn't have a severe episode.  I came up with Pile of Good Things to ultimately save him, which won't happen because he no longer cares.  If my company was responsible someone would say to him that his paranoia is unfounded and that maybe his bipolar is not under control at all.  As for me, my situation could have been avoided if someone knew what mild recurring depression looked like then I wouldn't have been destroyed.  Now I'm this.

I want to do something meaningful, but I am scared that my nonprofit will either fail or make things worse.  Yes, the Americans with Disabilities Act can help people with mental illnesses, but it is not a 100% guarantee.

Bottom line is that I need your help.  Donate, design or tell me your story.
You can donate here: Pile of Good Things.

A Sad Smile

Sometimes a truce is called and the smallest hint of niceties constitute the appearance of a sad smile.  I had one of those today.  It was just a small suggestion that I put forward to him and he actually did it.  I was so proud of myself for doing something that was great and useful.  It made me have a sad smile.

No, I don't really understand how he can be so friendly one month and then be so cold for months on end.  I know that he is unmedicated bipolar and yes, I still care about him and most likely will forever because that's just how I am.  It really is his own paranoia that drives him it seems.

I did confront him about treating me differently at work and that I expect to have e-mails answered in a timely manner.  His reply was like how one treats a child, which he has done before.  I don't need the counting because it doesn't work on me anymore.  I know that it's never easy either to deal with someone who thinks that they can control their illness.  Even if he went to a therapist once a month I think it would benefit him.

He would talk to me about things, which I could do nothing to help him with.  As a friend, I can help support people through their problems and tell them when they're being crazy.  Sometimes it was far more frightening than I would ever tell anyone.  Maybe this is partly why I created Pile of Good Things; to educate others especially employers about what signs exist for mental illness, so the people who need the help get help.

The hardest thing in the world is to convince someone that they may need help when they think that they are fine or that they can control their illness. His paranoia caused him to make a choice to isolate himself and be alone.  It was his choice and I think it was the wrong choice.  I think time will tell how things will eventually turn out, but for now on some occasions, you will see a girl with a sad smile on her face.  That girl is me.

Falling out of Love

While researching for Pile of Good Things, I remembered how much my illness has effected my job and because of that, I have fallen out of love with the companies I have worked for, which in a way is a shame because they have good products.

I used to love the cosmetic company's products because they were a treat every once in a while.  I liked what they did for my skin.  However, working with the products constantly combined with a metal bowl had an unknown reaction to sulfates cause permanent hand damage.  Having been barraged with their overly political stance as well; I slowly fell out of love with the company.  Added to that is that I was being bullied by two managers that a depression was triggered.  It was a very sad end to my love of a company that basically made my stay in London so amazing. 

I have found alternatives to their products, but it still makes me sad that I fell out of love with a company that I used to admire so much.  Yet, I have a permanent reminder of all the bullying and torture that I was subjected to under those two managers.  While I use different products, I haven't found another company that I was completely in love with. 

Then there is my current job.  I work in a small mutual bank.  I believe that the products they have for the public are amazing.  There are little to no fees and we have impeccable customer service.  However, ignorance on the part of management triggered the worst episode of depression that I have ever had.  You can read all about that in my post, Doomsday.  I used to love going to work and helping people.  Now, I don't hate my job , but I don't love it either.    I still like the people in my office and I have made a few friends, but for the most part, I am still an outsider there.  I enjoy the fact that I get to take classes and can train people in my office, but I know that I will not have a career oriented future there.

I carry on in a way that still leaves me sad at my core.  I fight everyday, but I try not to give up.  I don't think that I really belong anywhere, which is why I am creating my own place.  Falling out of love can be slow and painful or quick and painful.  I think it's worse when you fall out of love slowly.  A little piece of the love dies each day, never to come back again.  From all this, it doesn't seem worth loving anything because it will disappoint.

I Don't Hate Life

There is a secret that lurks in my soul.  Sometimes, I think it's too horrible for anyone to understand.  I don't hate life, but I don't love it anymore.  I don't know if I ever really did.  I've lost so much, that I really don't love my life and I don't think there is anything that can ever change it because I have recurrent depression due to Hashimoto's Thryoiditis.  Maybe my life will just be completely about managing my illnesses.  The down side is that I actually need people to do that. 

I wonder if the people that left, if that was easy.  I wonder if they miss me like I miss them.  Sometimes it takes years to repair the damage.  If anyone read Doomsday, then I may not ever truly recover from it.  There will always be a scar, but one that no one can see.  Does anyone see behind the mask?

I feel like giving up most of the time, but there is a tiny little thing inside me that says not to.  I just really want him back.  I hate what happened to me, but I truly believe that if my job was so steeped in ignorance about mental illnesses, they would have not made as big a deal about it as they did.  I honestly don't know how I'm still alive.

I feel hopeless about finding friends or getting them back.  I just feel like I keep disappointing people because I'm not better to the point to the person that I was.  I just wish my face changed to go with what I am now.  The problem is that I'm not quite sure who I am.  I'm just not quite sure where I'm going from now on.

Numquam Singularis Numquam

The truth is that I don't know if I'm more human or not human at all.  I really am different from most of the people I come into contact with.  I don't know if it's because of my intelligence, my gender fluidity or the fact that I'm far more compassionate then I care to admit.  Whatever it is, it makes me feel so solitary.

Let me explain my gender fluidness.  My body is female, my brain is primarily male and I switch back and forth and occasionally I feel like I have no gender at all.  I don't want to be either male or female.  I am fine with what I am.  It works out well with my hyper active mind.

I've never really been good with dealing with my loneliness, but I have the Doctor now.  I know that he's just a fictional character on a TV show, but to me he is real.  I get to join him on adventures and for a short while I'm not lonely anymore.  My therapist always asks if I still watch Doctor Who.  Probably because my therapist is awesome and it's a better coping tool than cutting.

The quote in Latin is from a song called Vale Decem, which plays while the 10th Doctor regenerates into the 11th.  The quote means that you are never alone never.  I understand the feeling of loneliness because it is my constant companion.  I understand the loneliness of the Doctor.  You don't always see it, but it's there.  I know that there are people who have no one, but I just don't feel the connections.  Not like the one I had with him. 

I still want to see if there is something better out there where it won't hurt anymore.  I know that that is impossible.  I think I need somewhere that I'm allowed to grow.  I might just have to get Pile of Good Things up and running for him, for me and for everyone who suffers like me.

Fundraising

Hi Everyone!!!!!

I am officially starting a nonprofit called Pile of Good Things.  The name comes from a quote from Doctor Who and we believe that employers should add to their employees' piles of good things.  Mental illness is an issue that is largely ignored in the corporate world.  It is a problem for everyone.  Mental illness affects everyone, family, friends and coworkers.

Help me get this started so that I can help others.  Jobs have the ability to create a healthy and positive work environment for all since stress is the #1 trigger for many mental illness episodes.  Depression, especially, can be a stress related illness.

Even if you can't donate money, please e-mail me or comment with ideas, suggestions or referrals for lawyers, accountants or board of directors.  Visit the link below to check out my fundraising effort.

Indiegogo Pile of Good Things

Why I Love the Oscars

I love movies because they have a magic quality to show us ourselves and to sweep us away on an adventure for 2 to 3 hours.  Movies are a great distraction and by extension, so are the Oscars.  It's the culmination of a fantasy.

Every person dreams of what it would be like to be a movie star even if it's just for one day.  We fantasize about being famous and glamorous.  The Oscars are the epitome of that veneer.  With all the actresses in gorgeous gowns and the men looking smart in suits. 

Yes, the ceremony is long and some of the jokes fall flat depending on the host.  I did love that Ellen decided to order pizza.  The fact that the nominees were eating the pizza was even better.  I was so happy the Cate Blanchett won for Blue Jasmine.  I didn't see the movie, but I adore Cate Blanchett.  I still think she should have won for Elizabeth in 1998. 

Jared Leto probably had one of the best acceptance speeches that I have ever heard.  He was right when he mentioned the importance of the Dallas Buyers Club bringing attention back to HIV/AIDS as my generation has seemed to have forgotten about AIDS, yet people are still getting infected.  I also loved that he mentioned people who felt injustice for who they are or who they love.  As someone who is different.  I greatly admired his speech.

The Oscars highlight great films and I was so happy that 12 Years A Slave won for best picture because there was such depth and horrific beauty to the film.  It brought to life the wretchedness of slavery in a way that actually hurt.  That film showed me that patience and perseverance can help us survive.  I highly recommend this film.

The Oscars are a night that we can all escape and celebrate great films.  Movies help us to escape.  They inspire us and teach us.  They are entertainment and tools.  That is why I love the Oscars because it allows us to see just how important movies are to our culture and our lives.

Self Injury Awareness Day

Today is Self Injury Awareness Day.  It's a day to let people know that self injury doesn't make someone crazy, they are just in pain.  They also tend to suffer in silence because there is a high degree of shame associated with self injury.

I decided to quit cutting a year ago today.  I used to cut just to make it through the day and it spiraled out of control.  I have to say that the first weeks of going without it while dealing with severe depression and anxiety was no medication.  I muscled through it somehow. 

A year later, my cravings for it have significantly lessened.  My depression has not yet stabilized because of all the changes that are going on in my life.  I'm much better at coping when stress arises.  I either talk to a friend,breathing exercises, listen to music or watch Doctor Who. 

If you think someone is hurting themselves, don't belittle them or make ultimatums to make them stop.  Don't guilt trip them into stopping because it hurts you.  We know that it hurts the other people around us and that it's not a great thing to do, but that's the only way we have to cope at the moment.  Help us.  Let us know you care and that you want to help us get better.

Show your support.  Post picture of wearing orange and purple on March 1.  Help someone who self injures by not turning a blind eye.  Silence breeds silence.  Together we can stop the pain.