The Constant Pattern

Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a constant pattern of triumphs and setbacks.  Depression is an illness that gets managed, not cured.  Perhaps one day it could be curable, but it's mostly about putting it into remission, but there is always a chance of it coming back without vigilance.

My major setbacks have to do with exercise and eating.  It's more comforting to eat junk food than it is to eat vegetables.  I also have a stop-start pattern to exercise.  Also I'm lacking at posting the 1 good thing and cooking once a week.  The exercise is probably the hardest part because we are programed to be lazy.  I got into a routine, but after my last thyroid episode, I got way off track. 

I can get off the anti-depressant if I have a consistent exercise plan.  The most difficult part is getting the motivation to do it.  I mean it seems like it should be easier to do since I dislike my body.  I am so overweight that it effects everything.  It's just a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in.  I can't exercise too much because my thyroid will have an episode, but if I don't exercise at all, I feel low.

I'm also stuck with loneliness.  I know that I'm not alone because 1 in 5 people in the US suffer from mental illness, but depression is quite isolating.  We live in a society where we have to pretend everything is fine under the guise of being professional.  Everyone gets told to leave their problems at the door, but the truth is that no one can be that compartmentalized.  My bad days are not like a functional person's bad days.  I get quiet and starting wishing that I had died a year ago when my old life died.  The worst is at night. That's when I'm exceptionally lonely.

The best part about him was that he made me less lonely.  He didn't make the illness go away, but he stopped one of the worst triggers for me.  I never got to tell him.  His paranoia made the decision for him that his job/mortgage was more important than a friend.  I still miss him and probably always will.  The worst part about this is that I'm back to where I started.  I have a low grade depression that is triggered by loneliness.  Maybe I was never meant to be human. 

I'm kind of stuck right now in this cycle.  Hopefully I can start my nonprofit and break free.