Year 3

I'm on year 3 of trauma recovery.  The first year was about getting to a functional place, which was difficult.  The second year was about getting over the anger about what had happened to me.  I think year 3 is about dealing with the loss and the loneliness that it brings.  The hope in year 3 is to connect or reconnect with other people because the most difficult thing to admit after such a betrayal that I went through is, in fact, that I need other people.

I know year 2 is over because I'm not angry about what happened to me anymore.  I don't hate the people that caused it because they are ignorant and narrow minded.  Instead, I pity them.  Pity is the worst human emotion.  I pity them because most of them will never evolve beyond what they are and never see the world through a different lens.  They are stagnant and live in the dark.  They are part of the problem and for that I will never forgive them.  I also pity Rose because he is still there.  He deserves so much better, but he doesn't think he does.  Bottom line though is that I am over them.

Now, I know that I miss him.  He was such a huge part of my life and I put up a good fight because I lost him.  Now I'm working on trying to connect to people.  I'm friendly with people at work, but haven't really made any friends.  I know that pharmacy is a small world and I get  along with my coworkers and believe that I am admired by them.  I gained a lot of knowledge in a short amount of time.  I mean we did go on a social outing to Chipotle.  At least it was fun.

I think I forgot how to connect with people.  I think I am so bent on recovery that that has become my life.  I want to talk to this guy and be cool, but I keep messing it up.  I'm either quiet or am down when I see him.  I must admit that February is never a good month for me and it takes time for me to adjust to new things.  I know we like the same type of music and like to sing, but I am just awkward.  I also rarely see my friends because we're all so busy.  It's also difficult to do something in this place without money.  I have found free things to do, which helps.  I just want it to be warm again so maybe we can all get together and stay outside.

I think year 4 is about getting healthy, which means undoing all the physical harm and getting my weight back in check.  Right now though, I need to make connections again, but I know that it's going to be slow.  I know that nothing can replace what I had, but it's just a hole in me now.  I guess it's going to be a long year.

The Hauntings of Night

The hardest time of day for me is after the sun goes down.  It's when I miss him and the old version of me.  It's when I remember how happy I was with him for the short amount of time that he was my companion.  Companion is a strange word because it can mean so many things.  I think that maybe year 3 of recovery is getting me down.

It's said that it takes 4-5 years to get over trauma because there is a period of grief if you lose someone as a result of the trauma.  I know that I have to let him go one day, but it took me so long to realize what type of relationship that I wanted and how happy that he made me that I don't believe that I will find that again.  I've never been an obvious choice for a companion.  I never mean lover/spouse/significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend.  I mean something more akin to a best friend.  Yes, some lovers are best friends and that is marvelous for those people, but for me they are separate things.  A companion is someone you share your life with.  In Grey's Anatomy it's "your person."  I don't have that anymore.  No one else considers me their person.

I can't replace him.  Maybe I'm not supposed to, but it's hardest at night.  I remember some of our conversations and the things that made my heart full. I know that I mattered to him and maybe I made him feel better for the short time we had.  Not everyone gets to be with the person that makes them whole forever.  That is why I wear the rose around my neck to remind me that I once had everything I needed.

I found the Doctor because of him.  That was the thing that kept me alive in the darkness was the Doctor.  It was really the gift of hope.  That's what Doctor Who is about, hope.  It's at night when I miss the things that changed my life.  It's when I'm haunted by his memory because that's when I realize that my heart is still broken.

Progress

I figured that I should just write about some of the progress that I've made.  It's hasn't been an up and up trajectory.  Honestly, it's been a bit of a roller coaster.  However, I think I have improved a great deal.  Some things I'm still working on, but overall, I think I'm getting there.

First of all, the cooking is going well.  I don't always make spectacular gourmet meals, but I make some hearty flavorful things.  The other day, I made pancakes with spicy home fries.  The home fries were roasted red potatoes, onions and garlic drizzled with olive oil, salt, pepper, chillies and cayenne pepper.  It was absolutely delicious. I've been on a kick of contrasts (ie sweet and spicy).  Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to make Cornish hens with stuffing and veggies.  My first attempts don't turn out so well.

I decided to start drawing.  I haven't had an art class since middle school, but needed some type of art therapy.  I only see my therapist 1-2 times a month, so I need something in between the sessions.  I have to admit that they aren't very good.  Part of why I started drawing was so that I could work on a major photo campaign. I was very proud of the shark I drew even if it wasn't perfect.  I'm planning on a drawing trip to the local aquarium so that I can get more practice.  A friend of mine said that she would like to join me on the trip.

I've also finally got my light box and have started light therapy when I'm at work.  It says "happy light" on the front of the device, which kind of explains what it does.  It is very bright and I only have it on for an hour or so.  I have to say that is has improved me mood and alertness at work.  However, daylight savings time is kicking my butt.  It does every year though.

I am taking a writing class called Creative Nonfiction.  I am on the second lesson out of 24 and still have the homework to complete.  I have to write a short story based on a photo from my life.  I haven't picked the picture yet.   I'm sure my writing will improve by the end of the course.  I do enjoy writing even if no one reads what I write.

I have a had a few set backs.  I have been cutting on occasion.  It's not to the point where it used to be, but it really stems from the loneliness.  I do have a roommate, but due to our work schedules we don't see each other that often.  I also wish that we all had more time to spend with our friends.  I've been trying to get together with people, but things get rescheduled.  The other problem is money.  Since it's still technically winter a lot of my bills are high and there are very few free things to do in the area.  I guess I have to wait till the end of April before things happen again.

I'm slowly getting to where I want to be, but it's not where I thought I'd be by now.  I didn't think I'd be this alone.  At least I have things to be thankful for, a job, friends, family and a place to live.  I just miss having the support I used to.

Simplicity

Today I did something simple.  I had a tea party with a friend.  It was just the two of us, sandwiches and a pot of tea.  It was my friend Amy, who I hadn't seen in a very long time.  I think it was the simplicity of just connecting with someone that made me content.

I have always enjoyed tea and have an amazing collection of tea cups that I have collected from England.  I did buy a few of them when I spent time in Bristol for my MA, but most of them I got at garage sales in the local area.  I haven't had a lot of chances to use them because I was living with my parents.  I have a good portion of them out in my cupboards now, which makes me happy. 

After Amy accepted my invitation, I planned the menu and the china.  I decided on blue and white tea cups with a matching tea pot.  The sandwiches were a bit more of a challenge since Amy is a vegetarian and I am not.  Then I remembered that when I was in Girl Scouts my troop organized everything for the tea party.  I decided on 3 types of sandwiches, which I had made for the GS tea party; traditional cucumber, creamy vegetable and cheddar tomato.  They were all really easy to prepare and for not too much money.  Plus they are all yummy.

The creamy vegetable is essentially vegetable cream cheese.  There is a way to make them with mayo, but I cheated and went with the cream cheese because it had everything in it already.  When pressed for time just go with the cream cheese.  The cheddar and tomato is exactly what it says with a little bit of mayo.  The traditional cucumber is simple: butter and thinly sliced cucumber.  I really enjoyed them and I think Amy did too.

It was great to just chat over a cup of tea (or 4).  It wasn't high tea, but it was tea nonetheless.  Something that was comforting and familiar on a chilly winter's evening.  It was a simply amazing evening to spend with another person.

I Have Been

"I have been and always shall be your friend."  That is one of the most powerful quotes I've ever heard and it was first said by Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as he was dying, having saved the Enterprise.  Leonard Nimoy passed away today at the age of 83.  All I could think of when I heard the news was that line followed by Admiral Kirk's simple, "No." 

So why, out of every quote in every fandom, do I always remember this one line?  It's because real friendships never die.  They survive even death itself.  I actual used that line in my last letter to Rose.  I meant it too.  He may not care for me anymore, but I shall always be his friend.  That line while poignant always leaves me with a slightly empty feeling.  Maybe because one person is gone, but the whole world seems empty.  I miss my friend because that's what he will always be.

I also think that Leonard Nimoy delivered the most memorable scene in all of Star Trek because it illustrates how important friendship is.  These were two people, Kirk and Spock, whose friendship they relied on.  They accomplished so much together.  Sometimes I think people forget how important friendships are.  Some friendships can change your life and it doesn't matter how brief the friendship is because that is a relationship, that at its heart, is the most human.

I would just like to thank Mr. Nimoy for that beautifully delivered line.  It has been one of the defining scenes of my life.  You will be missed.

We Should Talk About It

Everyone knows that the Oscars always have a political element to them, which is why Selma won for best song.  The politics of the Oscars is not what I want to talk about.  I want to talk about the people who openly talked about suicide.  There was a short documentary winner who lost her son to suicide and said we need to talk about it.  Then there was Graham Moore who wrote an amazing screenplay about Alan Turing, who is a suspected victim of suicide because he was different.  Suicide needs to be addressed and talked about in more than just hushed tones.

I have been the weird kid.  I've always been different and felt like I haven't belonged anywhere.  I'm still trying to figure out where I belong.  I think I finally found a job that I really enjoy, but I still have dreams of a museum to be created, books to write and a nonprofit to run.  However, there are days when I don't think life is really worth living (sorry parents). 

I wanted to write about how you as a friend/family member/co worker can help someone that is possibly feeling so down or in so much pain that dying looks like a better option.  First let's starts with some statistics.  It's approximated that 1 in 4 adults has a mental illness of some kind (Loving Someone with a Mental Illness).  Also, Suicide claims the lives of over 39,000 people every year, which is higher than cancer and car accidents (USA Today), yet we don't talk about suicide because of the stigma.  We, as a society, don't do much to prevent this problem.

Since many people aren't engineers who can prevent exhaust on cars or people that create apps to crisis centers or are in the mental health profession, what can a regular person do for someone that is talking or thinking about suicide?  There is quite a lot you can do to help someone.

1) Listen to the person in a nonjudgmental way.  Do not tell the person that they are being selfish because the person honestly believes that everyone in the world, their family, their friends, their kids would be better off without them.

2) Get the person out of the house if possible.

3) If you can't listen refer them to a crisis chat like 1-800-273-TALK or if you are an employer your company's Employee Assistance Program.

4) If it's a crisis call 911 or get the local hospital's crisis team to the person.

5) Sit with them. 

6) Put on a funny movie

7) Bring over paints, paper or a sketch pad and let them draw or paint out their feelings.

8) Take them out for a meal.  They should eat something because odds are they don't want to.

9) Pick up the phone.  A text is not the same as a human voice.

10) Take them for a walk.  Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, anxiety and depression.

This is in no way a definitive list of ways to help, but I believe that we need to talk about suicide because it is preventable.  The worst things that you can do is judge and/or do nothing.   You can help someone.  Talk about suicide.  Don't stay silent!

The Heart

The lore is that the source of all feeling is the heart.  While medically this is untrue losing someone makes one's heart hurt.  Valentine's day is coming and it's a day that I dislike because sometimes it reminds me of how lonely I am.  Not sure if it's just the time of year that reminds me of this loneliness or if it's the fact that many others are celebrating that they love someone. 

I've only had one real relationship and like many relationships, distance and differences ended that.  He was a very kind man, but we didn't have very much in common in the end.  I think a lot of people don't see me.  I know that I'm different and sometimes difficult, but that doesn't mean that I should be any less valued.

What I really want is a romantic friend.  I've never been a great lover.  I want someone to cuddle with and share my life with.  I had that once and that is why I wear a rosebud around my neck.  I know that he cared deeply for me and for a short time I mattered to someone who mattered to me.  I hope that I can get that again.

This Valentine's is another that I will spend watching everyone else celebrate their love and I will be going on as if it is a normal Saturday off.  However, Sunday is 50% off candy day!