The First Story

I wrote the other day about how I was better with certain people.  I should write the story of what happened that I needed to be made better from.  This is the first story.  Not the story of the incident, which was the impetus of this blog, Pile of Good Things and my wellness plan.  This is the story of how I realized I was different and how it broke me.

After I finished Graduate School in England, I came home to CT.  I never like coming back to CT, but I ran out of money, couldn't get a visa to stay and came back home.  First order of business was to find a job.  Of course in 2009, the economy was still crappy.  I ended up with 3 part time jobs.  One was at an oil tank removal company, one was as a tutor and then I worked for a cosmetics company.  The last is where we had problems.

When I first started, I was so in love with the company's products as they were mostly natural and had safe synthetics.  I will not name the company here for certain legal reasons.  I originally liked the people I worked with because I was only there for part of the time and we were busy since it was for Christmas.  The first year was OK.  It was the second year that started to cause me problems because I was passed over for promotion and the assistant manager's best friend was picked for a supervisor's position over me.  They claimed that I wasn't ready and that may have been true, but it was disappointing nonetheless and my performance suffered.  I believe this was due to lack of communication on both sides.  I had an MA, was over-educated and underpaid for my position.  I was ready for responsibility, but was offered none. 

I eventually did get the promotion in July of 2011, which was fine.  The manager got fired in September for harassing the staff, which included screaming in my face in a public forum.  Things got better for a little bit until the assistant manager was trying to get the management job.  That's when her crazy came out and I was starting to be bullied by her.  Everyone started to be bullied, actually.  When the new manager came in, I complained, but the assistant won out in the end because she had the company's best interest at heart.  The assistant was necessarily mean, but she would throw tantrums, belittle in public and be demeaning to staff.  All this eventually broke me down and led to a minor depression and a lapse into cutting.

The final breakdown of this incident happened in 2012 at a Holiday party.  I was having a really bad night because I was so out of my mind on endorphins.  I was being ignored by almost everyone except the waiter, who was the only one that noticed something was wrong.  I went into the bathroom twice to try to cut myself with a hair clip.  I admit, not my best moment.  I was so miserable and at one point I was talking about Sherlock and somehow a gun was mentioned.  It got interpreted that I was going to mow down the entire place.  I don't own a gun.  I actually hate guns and would never wish to have one.  Long story short, I got fired the next day, which was fine.

I was so happy that I never had to go back.  I actually smiled for the first time in 6 months after that.  I stopped cutting that day and started to glow.  The problem was coming back from it.  It took time and was a great struggle and then he walked into my life.  It wasn't always easy with him, but I started to come alive again.  I still struggled with cutting and depression, but I had someone that I could feel in my corner.  I came up with a modified wellness plan, but it all eventually fell apart as the depression started to come back 2 months before the incident.  The incident is another story for another day.

My life is never going to be easy.  I know the lure of cutting will always be there.  Depression can be seductive in a deceptive way.  There will always be triggers and now I am more aware of them.  Time has healed this wound with support.  There are other wounds that are still healing,  I'm hoping that things will change soon and I will come back to what I was.

PS.  I forgot to add one thing.  Since the cosmetics company uses sulfates in almost everything, I have permanent damage to my hands.  I get tiny itchy patches on my fingers, which flare up more in winter.  Only Shea butter lotion from a rival company seems to help a long with a prescription cream.  I complained about this, but no one seemed to be concerned with my injuries caused by their "amazing" products.  I have a permanent reminder of what happened there.  A permanent reminder of the bullying, but a permanent reminder of my survival.

I Was Better With You

There are people in the world that can bring out the best in you.  There are others that bring out the worst in you and then there are those that can heal you.  I think when you look back and it's what you remember that counts.  I had someone bring out the best in me.  He almost brought my back to life.

I had great conversations with him.  Not everyday was great, but overall, I wasn't lonely.  I had someone that understood what it was like to be this messy, but still be worthwhile.  I miss that.  I miss having someone that I could talk to everyday and be myself with.  It's still not easy to be friends with me, but at least he tried to be for as long as he could.  Maybe things will get better.

I have a new friend named Jill and I think she's bringing out the best in me too.  She's a great person who likes the same things that I do.  We talk everyday about annoying customers at work.  It's a great distraction.  We talk about the Doctor and she was the one that sent me the Dalek.  She makes my days bearable and I'm glad I met her.

I am struggling a lot still.  I was better when I had a friend there all the time.  Maybe I need a companion or an assistant.  I believe that friends are the family that you choose.  No relationship is perfect, but the point of them is enjoyment.  He started to make me alive.  When he disappeared I felt the chasm that is still engulfing me.  I am still trying hard to work on getting better.  I am better with people around me.  Maybe one day I will have a large group to depend on.  For those there thank you.  For those that left, I was better with you.

Doubting

I have this nagging feeling that I don't matter.  It comes and goes.  It washes over me like a wave without notice, yet it rarely subsides.  Something telling me that everything I do is pointless.  It triggers a craving to cut, just to get rid of the feeling of unworthiness.  Sometimes it's not a fun life, being me.

I am trying to be positive, but something is still wrong with me.  I have not been managing my illness well for the past month.  I am still taking my medication, but I've been run down from work and just the financial pressures I'm under.  I also haven't been doing my exercises regularly due a cold or going out.  I also hate the class I'm taking now, Human Resource Selection, as it's uninteresting and poorly designed.  The quiz says it's chapters 9-12, but has no questions on chapter 10, yet has questions on chapter 13.  Maybe I need to get on track with my wellness plan.

As far as my list goes I have 12 items left on it to finish by the end of February.  I'm hoping that half of those will be completed as the other half are longer term goals or need money to complete them.  I also know that using up my perfume will be a work in progress.  I'm not over buying soap or lotion until I use them up and then I can get more.  Some things I have to get done before my parents move so that way I have someone there in case I need rides for medical procedures.

I know that I'm going to have bad days/weeks and that I will be lonely.  It would be so much easier to give up and let my illness win.  It would be easier to stop striving, sit around and pity myself, but I don't.  I continue to fight even though I'm totally exhausted, freezing and am in pain.

I was productive today at least.  I wrote an outline for the presentation that I want to make to businesses for Pile of Good Things.  I really want to go forward and help people to ensure that what happened to me will never happen to another person ever again.  Right now though, it feels hopeless as I have no idea what I'm doing.

I do feel alone a lot of the time.  I know that pisses people off, but the truth is that I spend a lot of time alone.  I lost my assistant and my companion this year.  I need an assistant and a companion.  They can be the same person, but it's difficult to care for me.  It's hard enough for me to care for myself.  Maybe the depression has robbed me of all the caring that I can feel from others.

I'll stop now because it is too depressing at the moment.

Swirls

There are times when my mind starts to swirl with the memories of the past, the pain of the present and the uncertainty of the future.  It's the swirls that compound the loneliness.  I have always been lonely.  I do not feel close to anyone at the moment.  Everyday is basically the same: get up, go to work, eat food, manage illness, write and go back to bed.  I don't think being a woman is helping my mentality at the moment.  Just a whirlwind of messiness.

I had to deal with a friend's issues because he wants to quit school since he can't balance the work and the family stresses.  My job is just full of annoyances with stupid people not reading the directions and then calling us to set up their computers.  I hate dealing with stupidity all day because it detracts from my brilliance.  I feel connected to him still yet distant, which makes me filled with malcontent.

I think that female issues are the problem at the moment.  I get period rage, which is causing most of these feelings.  I don't like my body, I have acne on my face, cramps and want to rip off my skin.  Again, just a giant pile of mess that is too much to work through.

Writing is my salvation, but right now I want to curl into a ball and hope the world disappears.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster all day.  I have hope, anger, hatred, and sorrow all in one moment.  It's terrible.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to be a girl anymore.  If all I get out of life is managing my illness, then it's not worth it.  It seems that everyone is happier, more successful and prettier than I am.  I can hear him telling me that that doesn't mean that I don't have value.  He thinks that I can do anything, but why can't I get better?  Why can't I be stable?  Why do I still feel like I am so insignificant that I won't be missed?

These are the swirls that take control when they should not.

___ Makes Life Better

This new campaign starts a week from Friday!  I am super excited about all the things that can make life better.  I'm talking about things we can do in the here and now that can make life valuable again.  I hope many will read and even more will participate. 

You can message me via my Facebook Page, Overcoming Ophelia, comment on this post or e-mail me at Zandraava@gmail.com.  Tell me what makes life better for you.  It can be anything, your kids, your fish, dancing, art, poetry, etc.  I have some picked out already.  Stay tuned.

It was all inspired by this book.

Triggers

Night time is not the best time of day for me.  As I lay in my bed alone, I start to realize how lonely I am and then it just spirals down from there.  Occasionally, I go to bed happy, but most of the time, I realize that I'm lonely.  Loneliness is one of my worst triggers.

I don't know why I lack connection with people.  Maybe the depression has taken its toll.  Depression is nothingness and coming back from it takes time.  It doesn't like letting go either.  I know that I have friends and family that care, but this depth of loneliness, I'm not sure anyone can truly understand.  That's probably why I like the 9th Doctor so much, but that portrayal of his loneliness that he tries to hide is what I feel. 

I don't think a lover or a relationship will solve this problem.  I have a very low libido at the moment anyway, but I rarely preferred sex.  I like lingerie and flirting because both have to do with the mind.  The lingerie making the wearer feel powerful and awesome and the flirting just working on the minds of those involved.  Since I've never liked my body because of the Hashimoto's, sex doesn't really matter to me.  I just want someone there to understand.  Not say that their sorry or that things will get better.  I just need to feel some type of connection.

The only reason why I fell asleep last night was because I could feel his hand.  He was one of the few people that I ever felt connected to.  Maybe it's all just a memory, but it calmed me enough to fall asleep.  While, I'm still sick, I took the day off today too. Maybe all I will ever have is memory.

I don't know how to combat this trigger.  Last night I wrote letters to at least get it out of my head.  Writing is my outlet, but triggers are the worst part of my life.  I can't always avoid them, but I need to find a way to minimize their effects.

I think I'm just at a loss on how to stabilize.

Why Am I Like This?

There are many causes of depression and I wanted to tell you all about what mine is.  Since the new DSM is coming out soon, the way of diagnosis has changed.  Since I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I cannot fully explain how it's changed, but there is now a narrative part to the diagnosis of mental illnesses. 

My depression is a symptom of a larger condition known as Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  It's an autoimmune disease, which means that my immune system doesn't recognize my thyroid as something that belongs there and it's trying to kill that organ.  A tiny butterfly shaped organ at the base of you throat cannot cause so much havoc, can it?  It really does. 

Depression is a symptom of Hashimoto's as well as fatigue, hair loss, brittle nails, scaly skin, infertility and weight gain.  It's a fun illness to be sure.  Like depression, Hashimoto's cannot be cured, but it can be managed.  I go to the doctor every 8 months for a check up. Right now, my hair is falling out again and I have scaly patches on my ankles, which lotion is doing nothing to erase.  I have been exercising, so that might have changed my body chemistry again, which causes symptom flare ups.  Perhaps I need a medication adjustment, but I'm not sure.

The thing with Hashimoto's is that it has to be monitored.  It has caused me to try to live a healthier lifestyle.  I can no longer have diet soda as aspartame triggers symptoms.  I have to exercise everyday, which is something that I resisted, but since my last bout of depression, I decided to exercise.  I try the best I can to take care of myself, but battling depression at the same time is difficult.

I take comfort in the fact that my depression is not my fault.  I don't believe that any type of mental illness is the sufferer's fault.  I know that my depression can always come back because of my Hashimoto's.  I just have to keep on working on being well.  We all strive to be the best version of ourselves.  Sometimes it's more difficult than others' battles, but we all try.

I hope that one day it will be easier, but I know that it will be a struggle.  One day I hope there may be a cure for autoimmune diseases so that suffering will be eased.  Hashimoto's is manageable but can be just as devastating as any other disease.

Progress

Today was a day of progress.  I had a little bit of frustration, but that's normal as I'm still fighting this blasted cold, which has now moved to my throat.  The progress was on the mental front and the fact that healing is possible.

I've mentioned previously that I'm designing and implementing training at my office.  It's something that I enjoy doing and it's having some success at the moment.  I am so proud of myself for being innovative enough to do something to fix the slump in sales.  I told him about the feelings of pride as well as the successes and he seemed just as pleased as me.  I think he's trying to get me to change my personal motto to "strive."  It might one day because everyday I strive to get better.  It's a difficult process as most know, but I'm working on it.

During our e-mail conversation, he asked me what I thought about a project he was thinking of implementing. We were sending e-mails back and forth about how to get the material, if it was a good idea, how long it would last etc.  He thanked me for the suggestions that I made.  It felt good to collaborate with him again on a project.  It's a start as it shows progress towards healing. 

It's great to start to feel warm and complete inside again.  I know that it won't be like this everyday, but I have something to fall back on.  I have the hope things will get better in time.

As for personal goals, I still plugging away at them.  I'm hoping to finish the major one of paying off my credit card by January.  After that everything else should roll in.  I am not pretending to be anything else besides me anymore.

I may come off as superior and demeaning at time because I am that intelligent.  Sometimes it's difficult to be around people not as brilliant as me.  That's probably why I liked him so much because he is that intelligent.  I am me.  I am crazy, messy, intelligent, and beautiful because there is no one else like me in the world.  No one has to like me, but I cannot always change they way I am.  I can only keep striving and succeeding.

That Perfect Moment

Have you ever had something unexpected, in a good way, happen at exactly the right moment?  I had one of those moments today and it makes me feel all warm because it was that perfect relief.  Today was a bit stressful and that's what this one moment was perfect.

I had school tours at my job today and along with my other duties, I was just at my wits' end.  Not to mention my computer and printer were acting up while I was helping someone.  Then, in the middle of all this mess, I got an e-mail that said, "If you continue to strive, you will achieve."  It was from him.  We are talking again in a professional capacity about training subjects, but that touched my heart.

It was a perfect sentiment at the right moment.  In all the insanity of that day, it made me smile.  It was a smile that I haven't used in a while.  It was a warm, secret, lovely smile that I used when I found that sublime moment of relief.  It reminded me that in this crazy world there is someone that believes that I can do anything.

It may be small, but today it meant the world to me.  It was a simple statement with a huge impact.  I needed to share something good today.

I Don't Know

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know why people leave or why others stay.  I don't know why my heart refuses to heal.  I don't know why I still have this craving to destroy my body or tear myself apart.  I don't have any answers.

I wish everyday wasn't a struggle.  I mean I have more good days than bad days, but I still have that feeling of hopelessness that all my writing, my non profit and my education are all stupid and won't amount to anything.  I can hear Geof, Brianna and Sue telling me that that is my crazy, not the truth.  Part of my illness unfortunately is believing these toxic thoughts. That's why I do cognitive behavior therapy.

Today I've wanted to cut more than I have wanted to in a while.  I cut for stabilization, to find some kind of relief from the madness that was filling up my body.  For a moment after, I could breathe and that's what I needed.  Now the urge is my go-to stress response.  I've been fighting a cold this week, have stress with home improvement and then there is work.

I am improving at work, but am not doing well in overcoming the fear of change.  I want people to start living up to their potential.  Fear causes a lot of setbacks and pain.  Fear of the loss of income was one of the reasons why I lost him.  I lost my confidante.  I lost someone that could understand what I've been through and didn't judge me for it.  If you haven't been depressed, had an anxiety attack, self-harmed etc, then you will never understand that.  Yes, I'm talking to you, mom.  I'm also talking to everyone around the world who looks at people that suffer and don't do anything to help ease the pain. 

Just because you can't see the anguish like you can a broken bone, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.  It's not something all of us can change easily or a way we choose to be.  Sometimes I wish it could be seen so that the compassion of others could be aroused, but that is not possible.  The pain is ugly, chaotic and something I would wish on no one.

This might be late night, cold medicine, stuffy headed induced rambling, but it's what's churning in my brain right now.  The ether is my confidante now.  The only problem with the ether is that it cannot talk back.  It cannot tell me what it thinks or that everything will be OK.  That's one reason why I write to get it out.  I talk out loud pretending that he'll hear.  I still hate what happened and that's why I'm doing something to prevent all of it.  Maybe if my co workers knew what to look for, which in my case was that I hold onto anything to stop the descent into the darkness, then it would have turned out differently for all parties involved.

I felt that maybe I had a shot of coming back to life, but that was not to be.  I have good days and bad days.  I have cravings and doubts.  I don't know why these things keep happening, but I still strive.

Love is a Four Letter Word

I have always found the word, "love" to be particularly troublesome at times.  Some people take it too lightly saying that they love something when they are extremely fond of something. They say they love someone when they really mean that they adore someone.  When someone says they actually love another person the word love can be repellent.  Love can be a four letter word.

To me, love can never be wrong.  You can love someone and not be in love with them.  People seem so limited in their scopes that the word love only means romantic love.  I have never believed that.  For me, love is love is love and can never be wrong in any of its forms.  Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, though it is and can be severely complex.

Love was the word that got me in trouble.  Everyone jumped to conclusions and say that I was in love with him, but the truth is that I care for him deeply, but was never in love.  We had a great affiliation, camaraderie and understanding, but I was not romantically in love with him.  I have been dumped, broken up with people and had crushes end, but I have never been hurt so much when close friends disappear.  Love turned out to be a naughty word, the four letter word that turned it into a wonderful expression to a foul one. 

I want to believe that love can exist and be good, but all I've seen is what its misinterpretation can cause to those that are innocent of its consequences.  While love is now a four letter word that I may never utter to another human being, I hope that one day I will heal and might be able to say it out loud.  I hope that I will be able to admit to love even it will only be platonic. 

Love turned into a four letter word because of the limited scope of those that I must dwell with in the world.  Maybe I'm more evolved or perhaps I'm just a dreamer.  Whatever happened, I still have hope.  Maybe love can be a good thing one day.  I hope it is for you.  I hope that it will be secure for many of you.  For now, I must wait and see if I can heal before love turns back to something awesome.

The Day After

This as been a bad week for me.  I'm not 100% sure what is triggering it.  It might be a combination of things like taking a risk by introducing new trainings at work, loneliness and just feelings of alienation.  Also, I've been thinking about him a lot.  He's still distant, which I expected, but he's willing to talk to me about work related topics.  I spent last night crying myself to sleep because I was just so stressed.

What is the day after an episode like?  It's like a hangover in a way, but less nausea.  It has that crappy feeling of irritability and puffy eyes.  The only bad thing is that tylenol will not make you feel better the day after a depressive episode.  It takes effort to lift a mood and I do that by eating food and writing.  My treat for the day was a pumpkin spice latte and a ham and cheese square from Starbucks.

The day after an episode is almost just as bad as the episode itself.  It's difficult to concentrate, smile or laugh.  I try to carry on the best I can.  I know that my illness is about management, but there are always going to be days when it is hard.

I know that this isn't witty, but I don't feel like I matter.  It's something that I struggle with a lot.  I write because it makes me feel better.  I just wish more people read it.  That's why I created the facebook page because mental health is still in the shadows.  I want to change the way people think and yet I feel like I am worthless.

I want to say something with the hope that he will read it, but I can't put it in a public forum yet.  The day after an episode is filled with doubt.  It's filled with lingering, fading sadness.  The episodes make me think that I may never get better.

Medication Revisited

I have been having a couple of episodes this past week.  I believe that they are brought on by stress because I am starting to do the training at my bank, which is something that I love, but it's a work in progress.  I want people to feel good about little victories so we can build up to the big victories.  I don't think everyone is as excited about these things as I am.

As I was talking to a friend during one of my lonely moments, he said that I should call his girlfriend's psychiatrist because the medication she is taking is really helping her.  The thing is that I am taking medication, Pristiq and Deplin.  They do help, but what medication really does is stabilize.  It makes the unending sadness bearable.  It gives you the range of emotions that normal people have.  Medication does not heal a broken heart.

Medicine is another tool in the arsenal to fight this illness.  For me, depression is chronic as it coincides with my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  Once mental illness touches you, it's always there, but it can be managed like any other illness.  I believe that Americans especially think that once you take a pill, everything will be magically cured.  It's not like that, unfortunately.

I was going to write something different today.  I was going to write about the dichotomy of one word, but I'll save that for another time.  Right now, I'm striving to get better with a chronic, unpredictable illness.  My bad days while less frequent are tougher than most can imagine.

I use the word strive because that's what he said we do.  We are fighting a battle that most can never comprehend unless they have been through it.  He is bipolar, you see and though he is what he is, I cared about him immensely.  He chose not to take medication, which is his choice.  I had no choice with mine because I wasn't getting better.

Medication is just another tool to help everyone.  It can be useful, but it won't make a person happy.  Medication is an aid to make us functional that is all it is.  We must do the rest to heal ourselves.  We strive to be better.

Moon

More than anything.  Sometimes, I wish I could just talk to you and feel all the belief you have in me.  I want to hold it in my heart until it fills me.  The blessing of being empathic is this gift, the curse is that it doesn't stay once you go away.

Everyone Is Important

As I've started working on training and have been a teacher for 5 years, I have been getting input on creating new training programs.  These trainings that I am designing has brought pride in myself.  It has made me feel like I am making a difference, that I can overcome my illness to do something productive.

Today, I was talking to him as he is the training officer, about the board that I wanted to do.  Somehow the conversation turned into how everyone has something to do that is important.  He replied with everyone is important.  That got me to thinking about something that is very painful.  The main symptom of depression is the feeling of worthlessness.  The belief from distorted thinking that I am not important.  While that has improved a bit to the point where I believe that what I do in terms of writing and teaching are important, I am not important.

There are days when I think and feel that the world would be perfectly fine without me.  Someone will come up with similar ideas.  Someone will bring more joy than I can.  There are smarter, prettier, lovelier people than me.  That doesn't mean that I don't have value.  In the here and now, I am doing something while everyone else is not.

There are still gaps in me that have yet to be filled.  The emptiness of my soul that is consuming my waking moments.  I have to believe that I am important because even the most ordinary person has something that they are meant to do.  That is something that I have to remind myself everyday, everyone is important.

A Million Lovers

I came across an article yesterday, which perfectly described how I feel.  The article is Can We Be Lovers and Not Have Sex?  I want affection.  I want love, but for the most part, not sure if it's the depression, the medication or a combination, but I do not want sex.  Coming out of depression or nothingness makes me crave affection.

I have stated before that I want an affectionate friend.  I want to link arms with someone, hold their hand and hold them until I can feel them.  I want to snuggle on the couch and make you laugh when I dance down the street.  I want to see that other person the way they see themselves and grow to be the best versions of ourselves with them.

I used to have that with him, but everyone thought that I was in love with him.  I had exactly what I wanted, a friend that I could tell anything to.  Maybe that is love, but I wasn't in love with him, but I cared very much for him and I still do.  I don't know if I'm more evolved or if I just have different views on expression.

I know that not everything ends. Not love.  Not always.  The world would be so much better with love and affection that can be expressed openly.  I do not want romantic love.  I just want love that can be shared openly and affectionately and that it won't be judged by others.  I want to love someone  truly, deeply and without judgement from anyone.

Upwards

Overall, I've had a good week this week and have some great news to share.  I have always wanted to  teach/train because it's a talent I have and I believe in the power of education.  I will be taking over the training/coaching in my office!

I wrote a survey, a team-building plan and role plays for my office.  Right now, we are not a team,  We are 6 individuals who are doing our own thing.  Our team morale is low and I have devised plans to try to improve it, thus improving our sales.  My boss liked all my ideas and will let me implement them.  It's better than sitting around and doing nothing.  I am being proactive at least and I am proud of myself for doing so.

That is one of the great things about pride.  It is making me do other things like completing list items.  I finally got the last of my campaign letters to friends out today.  I got him to start speaking to me again and he's being really supportive about my training ideas as well as my personal goals of my museum, my non-profit and my next campaign ___ Makes Life Better.  I also have 2 more courses left to finish my original 2 CFT certificates.  I have 12 more list items to complete by February.  I might not get them all completed, but hopefully I will get most of them done.

I am hopeful for the future for the first time in a long time.  I am striving.  I have belief in myself.  That comes from within based on the knowledge that two people think that I can do anything.  They added to my pile of good things.  I know that bad things will still happen and that I will be hurt again, but that does not diminish my hope. I have gotten unstuck with the passing of time.  I have become proactive at work even with some of the conflicts that have arisen. I have gone upwards!

The Struggle Continues Daily

I haven't posted a medical update in a while because I was a bit forgetful.  I hadn't been doing my therapy homework assessments for a few weeks.  That's my forgetfulness because of vacation and getting back into the swing of things. The best part is that it is all good things.

I have suffered from asthma brought on by allergies for most of my life.  I take medication for it, which helps control it as I've been stuck with things that have no cure.  I went to my allergist and it was the first time in years that my lung capacity is in the normal range.  I believe it's from the exercise.

I never truly believed that exercise does so much for people aside from weight loss management.  It really does have some terrific benefits.  The first is definitely the increased energy.  I started only exercising for 5 minutes a day and increasing it one minute a week.  I'm not up to 36 minutes, which built my stamina and I'm not as exhausted.  It increased my lung capacity, which improved my health overall.  My stress is lower, my clothes are loser and my head is clearer.  Yay exercise!  As my APRN said, "If people with depression and anxiety can exercise, the rest of us have no excuse."

Just make exercising part of the routine.  It's difficult to start, but I promise you, it is so worth it.  If only to get your endorphins going to help combat your illness, it is worth it.  Come up with some type of exercise schedule.  After I hit 30 mins of aerobic exercise, I added in an ab work out.  Once I hit 50 reps on abs, I will add in a weight work out, which will hopefully equal an hour of exercise everyday.  How much time do we waste sitting in front of the TV?  Exercise AND watch TV!

As for my therapy homework.  I'm supposed to do weekly assessments on my anxiety and depression level.  The good news is that my anxiety depending on the weeks is down to minimal or borderline.  My depression is staying at a persistent mild.  I believe that this is due underlying pain and overthinking.  I have days where I am proud of myself, where I feel happy and then the sadness can come back.  It's always there. 

I have been feeling calmer lately because I had a conversation with him and he doesn't hate me.  He's been very supportive, so I guess some form of healing is possible. 

Work wasn't good today.  I was good because I have all these ideas on how to build a team, but I continually get undermined.  There is tension between me and this other girl.  We have nothing in common because all she talks about is her kids.  I have no children and I don't believe that I will have children because I cannot bring a child into this world with the risk of them suffering like I have.  I try to be courteous, but we all have a job to do.  Sales goals is part of that job.  We need to coach people up.  Everyone has different strengths and I think that training is one of mine.  I'll stop that part now because it's just filling me with the void.

Exercise is going well, therapy homework is helping.  The struggle continues daily.

Announcement

I mentioned in a previous post that I started a Facebook page for this blog.  I did this for a few reasons, which I shall tell you now.  You can like the page here.

The first reason that I started a page was to promote the blog more on a social media site.  Not to just get more readers, but to build a type of community where mental health issues can be discussed openly.  While I primarily write about depression, anxiety and self-harm on here, on the page I want to talk about bipolar disorder, psychosis, hospitalization etc. 

I also wanted to make it easier for people to participate in my campaigns.  I have a campaign called "___ makes life better."  This campaign will start in a month's time on November 1.  You can message me your contribution on my Facebook page and then I will post them.

The third reason was to get ideas and feedback for potential contests.  I want to have a contest in March for Self-Injury Awareness Day.  It's still in the works, but it's coming along.

Go on Facebook to like my page and get advanced notice on events and news that will be showing up on my blog.