Doubting

I have this nagging feeling that I don't matter.  It comes and goes.  It washes over me like a wave without notice, yet it rarely subsides.  Something telling me that everything I do is pointless.  It triggers a craving to cut, just to get rid of the feeling of unworthiness.  Sometimes it's not a fun life, being me.

I am trying to be positive, but something is still wrong with me.  I have not been managing my illness well for the past month.  I am still taking my medication, but I've been run down from work and just the financial pressures I'm under.  I also haven't been doing my exercises regularly due a cold or going out.  I also hate the class I'm taking now, Human Resource Selection, as it's uninteresting and poorly designed.  The quiz says it's chapters 9-12, but has no questions on chapter 10, yet has questions on chapter 13.  Maybe I need to get on track with my wellness plan.

As far as my list goes I have 12 items left on it to finish by the end of February.  I'm hoping that half of those will be completed as the other half are longer term goals or need money to complete them.  I also know that using up my perfume will be a work in progress.  I'm not over buying soap or lotion until I use them up and then I can get more.  Some things I have to get done before my parents move so that way I have someone there in case I need rides for medical procedures.

I know that I'm going to have bad days/weeks and that I will be lonely.  It would be so much easier to give up and let my illness win.  It would be easier to stop striving, sit around and pity myself, but I don't.  I continue to fight even though I'm totally exhausted, freezing and am in pain.

I was productive today at least.  I wrote an outline for the presentation that I want to make to businesses for Pile of Good Things.  I really want to go forward and help people to ensure that what happened to me will never happen to another person ever again.  Right now though, it feels hopeless as I have no idea what I'm doing.

I do feel alone a lot of the time.  I know that pisses people off, but the truth is that I spend a lot of time alone.  I lost my assistant and my companion this year.  I need an assistant and a companion.  They can be the same person, but it's difficult to care for me.  It's hard enough for me to care for myself.  Maybe the depression has robbed me of all the caring that I can feel from others.

I'll stop now because it is too depressing at the moment.