The Day After

This as been a bad week for me.  I'm not 100% sure what is triggering it.  It might be a combination of things like taking a risk by introducing new trainings at work, loneliness and just feelings of alienation.  Also, I've been thinking about him a lot.  He's still distant, which I expected, but he's willing to talk to me about work related topics.  I spent last night crying myself to sleep because I was just so stressed.

What is the day after an episode like?  It's like a hangover in a way, but less nausea.  It has that crappy feeling of irritability and puffy eyes.  The only bad thing is that tylenol will not make you feel better the day after a depressive episode.  It takes effort to lift a mood and I do that by eating food and writing.  My treat for the day was a pumpkin spice latte and a ham and cheese square from Starbucks.

The day after an episode is almost just as bad as the episode itself.  It's difficult to concentrate, smile or laugh.  I try to carry on the best I can.  I know that my illness is about management, but there are always going to be days when it is hard.

I know that this isn't witty, but I don't feel like I matter.  It's something that I struggle with a lot.  I write because it makes me feel better.  I just wish more people read it.  That's why I created the facebook page because mental health is still in the shadows.  I want to change the way people think and yet I feel like I am worthless.

I want to say something with the hope that he will read it, but I can't put it in a public forum yet.  The day after an episode is filled with doubt.  It's filled with lingering, fading sadness.  The episodes make me think that I may never get better.