Triggers

Night time is not the best time of day for me.  As I lay in my bed alone, I start to realize how lonely I am and then it just spirals down from there.  Occasionally, I go to bed happy, but most of the time, I realize that I'm lonely.  Loneliness is one of my worst triggers.

I don't know why I lack connection with people.  Maybe the depression has taken its toll.  Depression is nothingness and coming back from it takes time.  It doesn't like letting go either.  I know that I have friends and family that care, but this depth of loneliness, I'm not sure anyone can truly understand.  That's probably why I like the 9th Doctor so much, but that portrayal of his loneliness that he tries to hide is what I feel. 

I don't think a lover or a relationship will solve this problem.  I have a very low libido at the moment anyway, but I rarely preferred sex.  I like lingerie and flirting because both have to do with the mind.  The lingerie making the wearer feel powerful and awesome and the flirting just working on the minds of those involved.  Since I've never liked my body because of the Hashimoto's, sex doesn't really matter to me.  I just want someone there to understand.  Not say that their sorry or that things will get better.  I just need to feel some type of connection.

The only reason why I fell asleep last night was because I could feel his hand.  He was one of the few people that I ever felt connected to.  Maybe it's all just a memory, but it calmed me enough to fall asleep.  While, I'm still sick, I took the day off today too. Maybe all I will ever have is memory.

I don't know how to combat this trigger.  Last night I wrote letters to at least get it out of my head.  Writing is my outlet, but triggers are the worst part of my life.  I can't always avoid them, but I need to find a way to minimize their effects.

I think I'm just at a loss on how to stabilize.