Swirls

There are times when my mind starts to swirl with the memories of the past, the pain of the present and the uncertainty of the future.  It's the swirls that compound the loneliness.  I have always been lonely.  I do not feel close to anyone at the moment.  Everyday is basically the same: get up, go to work, eat food, manage illness, write and go back to bed.  I don't think being a woman is helping my mentality at the moment.  Just a whirlwind of messiness.

I had to deal with a friend's issues because he wants to quit school since he can't balance the work and the family stresses.  My job is just full of annoyances with stupid people not reading the directions and then calling us to set up their computers.  I hate dealing with stupidity all day because it detracts from my brilliance.  I feel connected to him still yet distant, which makes me filled with malcontent.

I think that female issues are the problem at the moment.  I get period rage, which is causing most of these feelings.  I don't like my body, I have acne on my face, cramps and want to rip off my skin.  Again, just a giant pile of mess that is too much to work through.

Writing is my salvation, but right now I want to curl into a ball and hope the world disappears.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster all day.  I have hope, anger, hatred, and sorrow all in one moment.  It's terrible.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to be a girl anymore.  If all I get out of life is managing my illness, then it's not worth it.  It seems that everyone is happier, more successful and prettier than I am.  I can hear him telling me that that doesn't mean that I don't have value.  He thinks that I can do anything, but why can't I get better?  Why can't I be stable?  Why do I still feel like I am so insignificant that I won't be missed?

These are the swirls that take control when they should not.