10 Months

Today marks 10 months since I last cut, however, I had a bad craving today and almost relapsed.  This time of year is always hard for me.  It's post birthday and Christmas blues.  I tried to have a holiday party and no one can make it.  It makes me feel not important at all.  Maybe I am too different from everyone else because I believe that spending time with friends is important. 

I'm at that age where everyone has a significant other and possibly a child.  I am not nor have I ever been a baby person.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another living person.  I would fail at being a mother.  I'm trying to recover, but it's difficult without a social component.  I spend most of my time at work and then there are scheduling conflicts with everyone else.

My mother signed me up for J date and I met up with one guy.  He was OK. He is someone that I can be friends with, but probably nothing more.  I don't love myself, so how can I love anyone else?   I believe in love, but I have such a hatred for my physical appearance at the moment, that it's difficult to focus on anything else.  I sometimes just want to tear my skin off and start over.  Part of that is my thyroid part of it is not being comfortable with myself.

I know that getting back to exercising is helping a great deal, I still have a long way to go.  10 months is a great accomplishment.  I hope I can keep going and do my one day campaign in March.  While I am better at coping, sometimes I just have bad days.

I hope that things will improve with a new year.  I hope that I get a promotion and that I can get my friend truly back.  I'm hoping that my body doesn't derail again and I get back to a healthier weight.  Maybe I can transform again into something new, something good.

Right now, I'm here and I have to keep going.

Year End Review

I write because I have no one else to talk to.  I have been thinking about all the crazy things that had happened this year.  From everyone that I have spoken to, 2013 was a terrible year.  However, I had achieved something that I believe was completely impossible.   Maybe that feeling was impossible, but I'm still here and I have work to do.

After the incident, I had fell apart.  I let the depression that was already brewing take hold.  It was a good 4 months to think clear enough again to be able to fight what happened.  I don't remember the entire month of March, which is probably a good thing.  I finally gathered up the courage by June to say enough and filed a formal complaint because of what happened.  It would out in the end for me because the instigator was forced to leave, HR is now afraid of me because they know I will use my voice and somethings are healing.

I got up off the floor and started moving forward.  I came up with a wellness plan, which I try my best to keep to.  It doesn't always happen, but it's a guide in trying to get to a good place.  Due to my thyroid acting up in November, a lot of it got put on hold.  I'm working back up to exercising everyday, which will help me read at least 3 books a month.  I always tend to to slack off when it comes to cooking once a week. 

The one thing that happened was that I got him back.  He left in June and I got him back in September.  I would never underestimate a well written letter and the fact that caring never changed.  Maybe it hurt too much or maybe I needed to be independent for once, but he still believed in me.  I am starting a nonprofit in order to help other people with mental illnesses deal with their jobs and employers to help their employees.  Communication and education are the keys to this new enterprise.  I couldn't have done most of it without him.

I went through hell this year, but I am starting to heal.  I hope 2014 will be a fantastic year full of progress.  February will have a new long term goals list.  The best part is that out of the 17 items, I completed at least 10.  Maybe I'll get at least 2 more done.  The rest of them will carry over.  I am looking forward to what I can accomplish in 2014.  There are a lot of things that can be done and I have the time.

You Don't Need to Say It

Today something amazing happened.  Something that I never ever expected.  It was something that I never really realized that I even understood.   However it was something that I needed to see, to hear and to understand.

I have been working on Pile of Good Things recently because I really want to get it started.  It's a needed service, which will have many customers it seems.  I decided to write a synopsis of what I would be doing for the nonprofit, which you can see here:

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.   The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” (Vincent and the Doctor, Doctor Who).  This is where we got our name and the basis of our philosophy:  Everyone should add to a pile of good things.

                What Pile of Good Things will do is educate employers on the signs and preventions of mental illness through classes that will be offered through us.  We will do this through PowerPoint, brochures and seminars aimed at Human Resources, Managers and Supervisors.  The idea behind this is to reduce productivity loss from the side effects of depression, anxiety, learning difficulties and bipolar disorder.  While we do not advocate for employers to become counselors, we wish them to be cognizant in order to create a positive working environment for all including those that suffer from mental health conditions.

                We will also assist employees who suffer from mental health conditions with what to disclose to their employers, what considerations they need and where to turn to if they feel they have been discriminated against.  This will be achieved through e-mail communication, a confidential phone line and information on our website. 

Campaigns for awareness and support will also be planned throughout the year.  The highlights include bullying prevention in the workplace and Good Things Month, which is an employee appreciation campaign.

This is a basis of what Pile of Good Things will be about.  There is a huge stigma in the United States in regards to mental health conditions, which affects the work place for most Americans.  We believe that through education and communication the stigma of mental illness will end.  That is the purpose of Pile of Good Things, for employers to add to their employees’ pile of good things.  Life is a pile of good things and bad things, while everyone should try to add to the pile of good things. 

Decision Time

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I have time to do some thinking.  I have been working on my next campaign, which starts in a week.  I have found 3 of things for the Good Things campaign.  I am trying to keep them inexpensive.

I have a little gift for my best friend, which will be the first thing to do.  Then I am going to put in a recommendation at work for employee recognition.  Then I have a card for someone to say that they will always be awesome to me.  Now I just have to find some more things to do to add to people's piles of good things.

Anyone have any ideas?  Some may be random, but some should be purposeful.  If you participate let me know some things that you are doing.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just have to write because the hollowness is too difficult to take.  I've had some good moments and some bad moments and yet I'm hollow.  I don't think I'm good enough to get a promotion because I'm not totally good with people.  I don't know how to connect.  I connected with very few in general, but it takes a long time for me to get to close to new people, if it happens at all.

I am not the easy going innocent person I was.  When I was younger people feared me with good reason.  I have a soft middle, but could project a toughness and a strength that no one could touch.  I connected to a very wonderful person who was like me...different.  I'm not an average human being.

I have a high amount of ESP and am extremely intelligent.  I've doubted both with devastating consequences.  I still wish that I lived in a world that left me unscathed, but now I'm someone else.  A shadow of what I was.  I'm more of a ghost. 

I am trying to live a normal life, but if I'm not an average human, how can I live a normal life?  I try to cope the best that I can.  I still believe in the power of hope, but healing takes time.  I don't think that I am meant to get married and have a family.  I have something bigger to do.  I can barely take care of myself let alone another person.  I mean I've put off my dental surgery for months because I didn't want to deal with it.  Now my mouth hurts at least once a week.

I just need support of friends.  I need someone to say that it's ok to be sad and that it's ok to miss a friend that I was connected to.  I don't want to hear that one day my feelings will change or that time will heal the pain.  I just want someone to tell me that it's ok to feel the loss and that if I want that friend back, that I can achieve it.  He still believes that I can do anything, if I put the effort into it.  Pile of Good Things is being worked on.  ___ Makes Life Better was achieved.  I also wrote down ideas for a museum proposal.

I am incredibly strong.  I'm still here, but I miss who I was.  I have to figure out who I am now.

Not Complete

I had a date today with someone from Jdate.  I only joined Jdate because my mother was going to pay for 6 months.  After what I went through this year, I don't really want a boyfriend.  I need time to fix myself and possibly learn to love myself.  Without that, I am not complete and would not be able to care for anyone else.

The date itself was ok.  We went to an aquarium, which I love.  The local one is not my favorite because it only focuses on the area in which we live, but it has sharks.  It also has a shark touch tank.  I spent a few minutes petting the nurse sharks.  They are very docile creatures, who lay in a pile on the ocean floor.  They rarely moved in the few hours I was there.  That was my favorite part of my visit.

We had some lunch and a bit of conversation.  We have basic common interests, but when you start to break those down, it just doesn't seem the same.  I am someone who is on the fringe.  I like one thing in a certain genre a lot, but don't branch out from there.  Like with Doctor Who, you either are in love with it or just don't get it.  I'm like that with many things.

He seems nice and wasn't bad looking, but I feel that he would make a good friend.  I don't know if I can commit to anyone else because I'm not complete.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to get comfortable with myself, so it's difficult to talk about myself, when I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

I hope that one day I will want a partner, but for now, I'm looking for a friend.  Maybe another companion, but mostly all I need are friends.

Fabulous Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th birthday.  I made it.  I didn't join the 27 club!  That's an accomplishment because this year was really dicey to say the least.  Things really are starting to look up, which is such a relief.

I woke up yesterday to my mom singing Happy Birthday.  My mom can't sing, but it was sweet.  She also gave me a card with a margarita recipe, which was gorgeous.  Then I got all my stuff ready for work where we were going to have our Christmas luncheon.  I am overgenerous and bought gifts for everyone, not just my secret Santa. 

When I got to work, my supervisor gave me a beautiful, warm winter scarf.  I was very happy about it because I love scarves.  It was very sweet of her to get that for me.  Work was a bit busy, but that's OK as it makes the day go by.We got a ton of food from one of our favorite restaurants in the area, so we stuffed ourselves full of Italian food.  I got a surprise birthday cake too.  As for the gifts, I got a bottle of Jack Daniels from my supervisor and a journal with bubble bath from my secret Santa. 

There were a few surprised along the way.  The first was that he e-mailed me to wish me a happy birthday, which means he still cares.  That made me happy because I wanted a sign that he didn't hate me, so I had a birthday wish come true.  I also had the head of HR send me a birthday e-mail, which I found strange as she never e-mails anyone and she never e-mails tellers.  So, I said thank you because I didn't know what else to do.  My supervisor also got a promotion to assistant manager.  It was a brilliant day at work.

I then had my birthday party at my favorite bar because it was trivia night.  I had a lovely steak which was free because I'm on their e-mail club.  The food was fantastic.  We then played trivia where we came in second because one of the rounds was about identifying Simpson's characters.  So we won $25 off our tab.  It was awesome.  I got some great gifts too including a Dalek.  So I got my second birthday wish.

It was a great day overall, which made me happy.  I didn't think that I could feel that much happiness again.  Things are moving forward.  Onwards and upwards.

Not Everything Ends

There is a quote that keeps coming across my thoughts on almost a daily basis: "Not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always."  I believe that this statement can be true.  It's true that somethings have to end whether it be a show, a relationship or a company, but there are things that don't end.  Sometimes people fall out of love, but the love doesn't die it just changes forms.

True love doesn't end.  We can move onto something else, but that love remains.  I don't think he ever stopped caring for me, from what I can tell.  I know that I never stopped thinking or caring about him.  I have been taking car of myself and yet I  miss talking to him about the mundane.  That love just turns into a memory, but it's still there.

I'm not the same person I was before, but my feelings have not changed.  Things always change, but not everything ends.  Not love.  Not always.

A Philosophy

Today is the anniversary of the tragedy at Newtown.  I live about 20 minutes away from Newtown, while I was personally not shocked by the events of that day, I was deeply saddened.  I ended up spending most of that day comforting others especially a friend with two young children, who just couldn't stop crying.  I was not shocked because I had a feeling that something terrible would happen, but was not quite sure what it was.

In the wake of the tragedy a lot of positive things happened, one of them was the 26 acts of kindness.  I know a lot of people who have done good things for people in memory/honor of the 26 victims.  While I applaud this effort, I do not participate in it. 

I believe that we should heal the world and perform kind acts every day because it's part of the goodness of humanity to help others.  I'm going to my good things next month because I don't do New Year's resolutions  I wanted to start doing kind things in order to add to another's pile of good things.  It's partially a tie in to my non profit and something that I'm doing for me.

We should be adding to people's lives not solely in honor of someone who is no longer here, but to improve the lives of the people who are still here.  There is so much bad in the world that those that can do good, should do goo.=d.

Good Things

While I was swimming today, (I'm staying at a hotel and it's an indoor pool.  I'm not that crazy), I figured out a new campaign as well as something that could tie into my forthcoming non profit, Pile of Good Things.  It's going to be a challenge, but something that everyone can participate in and I hope you do.

Let me first explain what Pile of Good Things (PoGT) is.  I came up with this idea as a way to combat stigma, discrimination and ignorance of those who suffer from mental illnesses in the business world because I got all of that from my job.  I believe that if they had understood depression, they would have been wiser and not lost me for 3 months while I recovered from the incident, which they caused.  That incident will be explained at another time.  I believe that education will be the greatest tool to combat stigma, ignorance and discrimination.  It will be available for employers to educate their HR, managers and supervisors on the signs of mental illness and what they can do for their employees.  While another section will be available to employees on what their rights are, how they are protected and some advice on what to do if those rights and protections are violated.

The name came from Doctor Who.  The quote below is from the episode Vincent and the Doctor, which is about Vincent van Gogh, who while brilliant, suffered from severe depression.

I also believe that companies should be adding to their employees' pile of good things.  There is enough bad in the world without your job adding to it.  If there is a bully in your office, they have mental health issues in the form of self-esteem.  That is not an excuse for them and bullying should not be tolerated.  Jobs should be giving people a sense of purpose, self-esteem and all other manner of good things aside from a paycheck.  Sadly, for many people this is not the case.  It's even worse for those that suffer some form on mental illness.  My goal with PoGT is end all of that, so that companies have higher productivity through  understanding while employees with mental illnesses have an equal shot to that pile of good things that a job can offer.

Now for the challenge.  I want to have a campaign in January where we add to someone's pile of good things.  It can be simple like sending a piece of candy to a friend or saying hello to someone who looks down.  It doesn't have to be an extraordinary or extravagant gesture, but it has to add to the good things in someone's life.  I will start in January by just saying the thing I did that day.  I hope you all do the same.

Just A Little More

Today was a strange day.  I don't think I have had a "normal" day in 5 years, but this day was even worse.  I think my job's rumor mill is worse than the one that was in my High School.  That's what destroyed me, misinterpretation and blowing things out of proportion.  Maybe some wounds don't really heal.  We morph into something else.

My friend was back at work today and while her sister is not dead, she is still very upset and stressed out.  That is understandable because whatever her sister took caused damage, which will require a great deal of aftercare.  My friend was very distracted, heartbroken and teary eyed.  It was difficult to watch.  I've seen suicide from both sides now and it's not pretty at all.  I gave my friend a hug because all I can do is bring comfort.  Maybe that small gesture will help in some small way since I cannot undue what has occurred.

I saw an ex close friend of mine at the holiday party, which triggered a wave of depression.  I still don't know what went wrong, but she didn't even look at me.  I always value my friends, which is why it hurt so much.  Instead of being responsible adults, we just stopped talking.  We all have communication problems and maybe it's just easier to walk away than tackle an issue.  Maturity is about communicating problems and resolving them, perhaps neither of us is mature or our respective illnesses were just too much to handle.  I really don't have an answer there.  I just don't understand how people can be so close one day and then strangers the next.

Then there was him.  While we've been talking and it's been getting a bit easier, it's difficult to adjust to it not being the way it was.  It was good to see him smile, but there is still distance.  At least I got a goodbye hug, which is so much better than being completely ignored.  However, it's not like it was and perhaps I will always miss being that open with someone.  He was the first unguarded friend I've truly had and his loss was irreparable. 

At least it looked like Narnia outside and I had some good food.  The day was just strange. 

Witnessing Devastation

I saw something this week, which I never want to see again, yet I know that it happens all over the world everyday.  I saw how a suicide effects the living.  While the person is not dead, just in a medically induced coma, I saw the confusion, panic and despair on my friend's face.  I know that it happens, but for me, I spring into action and try to remain emotionless because I know the answer to that terrible question, "Why?"

In that moment, that person was thinking that the world, her family and her friends would be so much better off without her.  This is not true, but in the moment, no one can convince them otherwise.  It's a distorted belief, which is a symptom of depression.  The people that go on without you are never the same, especially children.  There is no way to make this conviction of being gone will make things better make sense to anyone who has not been there.  The thing is that life will and can get better.

When my friend found out, we were at work and I tried my best to keep things calm and do what we had to do.  It does not do well for me to get teary eyed even though I empathized greatly.  It may make me seem inhuman, but during a crisis it doesn't do well for everyone to fall apart.  My job is to carry on because I've been there and now I've seen the devastation that suicide can leave in its wake.

If this person survives, and my hope is that they do, they will need considerable aftercare.  Not just psychological, but physical as well.  I hope that there is no permanent brain damage or damage to vital organs because surviving something like that may not have been the best option after all.  I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it as factually as I can.  Facts are not always tactful.

A friend said that I needed to witness that so that I could see what it was like from the other side of where I was.  To see how a symptom of a serious illness can affect others.  I never want to see that again.  Suicide is completely preventable.  You are not replaceable nor can any amount of money replace you.  There are places you can go to if you are in crisis.  1-800-Suicide is a free hotline to talk to someone if you are in a crisis.

You don't want to put people you love in that situation.  While it seems selfish, to the one who tries to die, it is an incorrectly perceived altruistic act.  There is always hope and always help.  We just all have to find it.

Affection

It's difficult for me to ask for any type of physical affection.  I'm not very close to my parents also my mother's idea of affection is patting people like dogs. Sometimes all I want is just to be held in someone's arms.  Someone who I trust and care for.  Not necessarily a lover because I don't think I'll have one for a very long time if ever, but just a friend.

One of the things that I used to love is having my hair played with.  I know that we have hairdressers that do that, but I loved it.  I know some people that think that hair touching is very intimate.  I don't think I'll have a lover and I want my hair braided, twisted and tussled. 

I am not sure what happened along the way where we all so a great lack of affection towards one another.  I know because of the years of cutting, that  I couldn't stand to be touched.  Now, that I've stopped, I just want to feel someone's touch.  I want something soothing that helps a bit more.

For now, I have stuffed animals.  It's not the same , but it's something that I have so I'm not sleeping alone.  I miss the simple act of holding a hand because one hand can open the world.

I Have So Triumphed

This week has been a bit insane so far.  The person who caused the incident has left my job, while I felt bad for her, I felt relieved at the same time.  I feel like I don't have to tip toe at my job anymore.  This was all coming off a great weekend where people wanted to help with Pile of Good Things. 

I mean I was shocked that it happened, but in a way, it was kind of expected because there were huge mistakes that were being made.  Today, my feet are killing me because of all the extra hours that I have been working.  I'm not sure if my supervisor now will be promoted and I'll apply for a supervisory position or if that will not happen.

Right now, I'm happy that things are looking up and that I'm doing something more than surviving.  I suppose that I am striving.  I finally got him back in a limited capacity, which is more than I could have expected.  I have no stopped smiling all this weekend and I hope that it can continue.

My body is not agreeing with me as it's almost 7 pm and I just want to go to sleep for the next week.  I have talked it over with my therapist and it's probably my thyroid. I saw my endocrinologist, which he agreed with me on the exhaustion.  I'm getting a blood test next week to see if my medication needs to be adjusted, which it probably needs to be.

I haven't been able to exercise as much because of the exhaustion so my weight has ballooned again.  All I really want is for my mind and body to have a truce.  It hasn't had one for quite sometime.  I may just need to find a low impact exercise or just limit my exercise to 30 minutes followed by strength exercises.  I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Basically, things are starting to look up finally.  I got my one more miracle.  Onwards and upwards.

Love Makes Life Better

This is probably the most difficult post to write because I have never understood love.  Not in the way that I think other people do, but what I know of love, does, in fact, make life better.

I have written many times before about love.  I believe that there are many forms of love, sometimes the lines get blurred, but love is never wrong.  No matter if it's romantic, familial or platonic, love should be unconditional.  Sometimes love is painful, but love is also about forgiveness.  I found a great friend in him and I have forgiven him all his faults.  Love is also about acceptance and patience; accepting limitations and having the patience to get through the tough times.

I don't think I've ever really been in love with anyone except for maybe Freddie.  I don't know if I'm unselfish enough for romantic love.  All I really want and still want is just a really great affectionate friend.  I miss having that.  All I really wanted was to be hugged and just to hold hands.  Those are not signs of romantic love, but they are signs of love and care.

You never have to use the word love, but it represents feelings of connection that I fear I may never have.  Maybe I'm too intelligent to just let my emotions run away or perhaps my emotional education was stunted.  I will tell you this:  friendship is a form of love because they are the family you choose.  Relationships are never easy, but they are worth it because love is worth it.

All I have right now is the hope of love returning since depression robbed me of so much including my ability to care for myself let alone care for another.  I have the hope that maybe one day I can feel the love that I desire, but I have to start by loving myself first.  That is what I am striving to do, learn to love myself so that my world will be transformed by that mysterious emotion called love.  From what I have seen love can and does make life better.

Never hold it back.  Never be afraid of it.  Always embrace it.

Why?

Why am I going to start a non-profit called Pile of Good Things that educates businesses on the signs of mental illness and helps employees with their rights?  I am doing it because it needs to be done.  There are ways to approach people with the most common types of mental illnesses that doesn't offend or wound.  There is a need for this service because there is still such a stigma about mental illness.

I got told today that a pair of pants that I've been wearing to work for over a year were inappropriate because they look like jeans.  They are tight because I gained weight and I guess that that just set me off.  My weight has always been a trigger for me because I've had a weight problem because of my thyroid. 

There are ways to talk to people that aren't being done and I'm sick of it.  I'm too disgusted and upset to even write anymore.

Just Like The Movies

There are one two more posts left for ___ Makes Life Better.  This is the penultimate post for the campaign and it's on movies.  There has always been something magical about film, not just for entertainment purposes, but because there is something there that can carry our troubles away for 90 minutes at a time.  Movies make life better.

The hey day for movies was in the 1930's during the Great Depression because films distracted people from their struggles of daily life.  If inflation was taken into account, Gone With The Wind would still be the highest grossing movie ever made.  With all the costumes and stories that films bring into a darkened theater you can get so engrossed that everything else in the world disappears.

Movies have always been a coping mechanism for me.  When I was in the midst of my last depression, I went to see Silver Linings Playbook, which was mirroring my own life, but it gave me hope and it was the first time I was able to truly smile in a month.  That was the power of a film to make someone feel a different emotion.

Not all movies have to be good.  Sometimes it's fun to laugh at the bad ones that are just made for money (see Twilight).  Movies at the distraction that we all sometimes need .  We may only have a few hours escape, but in those few hours, all the cares in the world disappear. 

Even with the advent of TV, movies are still important.  It is something that cannot be interrupted.  There is just a movie and you.  The ultimate game changer.  It whisks you from the theater and can drop you in 16th century England or in a galaxy far far away or in your neighbor's house.  It doesn't matter.  What does matter is that movies make life better.

The Enemy

This week, the mirror has been my enemy.  I do not like what I see there.  I have acne again and have gained weight.  I know that this is because of my thyroid condition, but I cannot get a break and get ahead.   I feel like I weigh 500 pounds.  I am frustrated with the fact that I lost weight and was treating myself better and then boom, but to square 1.

The worst part about it is my intolerance of cold.  I am shivering all the time and cannot seem to get warm.  That is another reason why winter is difficult for me.  Before I used to love playing in the snow, now I can barely go outside.  I keep working through it.

It's frustrating that I had a campaign over the summer because I was thinner and feeling good, then 3 months later, I'm back to where I was when the incident happened.  It feels like I wasn't meant to win any battle.  I'm just going to keep fighting forever.

I'm not even going to talk about the fatigue or the fact that I can't find the time to have a blood test.  Basically, I've been lying to myself about caring about me because I'm not doing a good job.  This is yet another setback and my enemy, the mirror keeps reminding me of it.

Decadence

I feel like writing about something that is decadent and naughty for my campaign because the thing that I'm going to write about is what makes me happy.  For me, and this is a personal preference, lingerie makes life better.  Lingerie is not something that I wear for a partner or to hold things up/in, I wear lingerie for myself.

I'm not talking about cotton bras and panties, while those are comfortable and practical, they do not make me feel awesome.  I spent most of my money in college on lacy and sparkly things from Victoria's Secret.  The things that I bought made me feel like I was beautiful  The point of fancy, pretty lingerie is to make the wearer feel powerful and sexy.

While I started with VS and I still shop there, I have graduated to 2 different companies:  Soma and Agent Provocateur.  Soma is a bit more mature, but has both beautiful and practical lingerie.  The first thing I ever bought from them was a see-through silk Japanese style robe, which is sexy yet comfortable.   They can be a bit more expensive than VS, but they tend to last longer.  Then I found Agent Provocateur.

I was discussing my love of lingerie with a friend, then they told me about their favorite store, AP.  I was intrigued.   Now this lingerie is top of the line really expensive, but amazing forms of lingerie.  They have full ranges from bras, thongs and panties to corsets and pasties.  When I was in London, I went to a store with its decadent windows and spent 3 hours and an undisclosed amount of money on some of the sexiest and most beautiful lingerie I have ever got.  I have to say that the sales girl there, named Mia, made me feel like I was incredibly amazing.  They showed me a great amount of personal attention as well as a great amount of time in doing fittings.  Not to mention offering me a cup of tea since the heat wasn't working. We talked about the danger of trying on clothes with big boobs.  My size in their line is a 36 E. I left that store feeling powerful and will probably be a life long customer.

I don't wear my ridiculous lingerie for anyone but myself.  That is the purpose of lingerie, to make the wearer, myself, feel sexy, powerful and beautiful.  I can tell you that I prefer corsets, but anything will do.  My incredible lingerie makes my life better.

Below are my next two, one from Soma and one from AP.

Lost and Found

I just wanted to write because I am still overcome with emotions.  They are good emotions though because I feel warm and have a bit of a glow.  Maybe it's the memories of maybe it's the apple cider that is making me glow or perhaps it's the cookies that remind me of him.  Maybe it's because it's the Day of the Doctor.

I keep remembering the good things.  The way he made me feel understood and the fact that he made me smile.  "If it can be remembered, maybe it can come back."  The Doctor said that.  He is the dreamer of impossible dreams.  I know healing is possible in some way.  I still miss talking to him everyday, but I still hold the memories.  He still believes that I can do anything.

I am proud of myself for taking the leap to do something for the company I work for.  It's solving a problem through education.  Education is never a bad thing in my mind, which is why I have come up with a development program, which is in outline form at the moment.  I want someone else to recognize my efforts because sometimes I have a poor sense of self and need to be reminded.

I am a bit disappointed with how this campaign turned out.  It had very low numbers and not a great response overall.  I Am Not My Scars had some of the most hits of any of my writing.  I tried to do something good and it didn't work out as well as I'd planned.  Maybe I'm not a good writer after all.  Maybe I should have done research, but all the things I've written about have made my life better.

I still believe that you can love someone and not be in love with them.  I still care for people that have left me.  Maybe that is foolish, but it's just who I am.  I have a big heart that has just been broken to pieces.  I still care and am trying to fix myself, but people need people.  I spend too much time alone, I think.

Maybe I just need to keep trying and be patient.  Things always changes because the human heart is not set in stone.  I don't believe that someone can just leave and not be so sad about it.  Some care enough to let you know that they have to go and others just disappear.  The ones that care, may come back.

I have things to look forward to in the short term like the Doctor Who 50th anniversary and still have my list.  While I am sad, I am happy too.  I am better than I was 9 months ago despite my thyroid having another attack.  Not everyday is good, but there are good things that I know will continue to happen. 

The Amazement of Movement

One of the things that I love doing and that makes me feel fantastic is dancing.  I usually dance alone in my room with music blaring in my headphones. Just being able to move myself lifts my mood.  Dancing makes life better.

There is something amazing about dance that can be graceful and sexy.  Whether you dance with someone else or dance by yourself, it releases endorphins, which makes you feel good.  Sometimes I pretend to waltz with Freddie.  That way I move and can use my imagination at the same time.  I may not look great when I dance because I'm not comfortable with my body, but I can pretend that I'm graceful.

The other good thing about dance is that it is exercise.  I've been trying to find a balance, so my thyroid doesn't freak out again.  I can't bike anymore, which is bumming me out, but I can do all my strength exercises.  I might try a zumba class again because it was fun.  Dancing is supposed to be fun, which is why it makes life better.

Music can move people and sometimes that movement is physical, which is why dance is so important.  If you ever saw Silver Linings Playbook, you would know that there is a dance competition in there.  They practice their moves and have fun at the same time.  One of the characters, Tiffany even says that dance is therapy.

Movement can ease depression, which is why exercise is important, but dancing can be even more fantastic because it touches your soul as well.  Dance makes life better.

Singing

This is a guest post from my friend Ashley.  Thanks for participating in ___ Makes Life Better.

I have a contribution to your campaign. I was stuck on which to write about. but 
I think I've nailed it: Singing makes life better. I recently started taking 
voice lessons again after a 3 year absence and it just makes my day/week so much 
better. I have been performing since the age of 4 and studied professionally, 
originally majoring in voice performance in college. I have been having a rough 
time at my job this year so I thought I would go back to my roots: singing. It 
was a great decision. Know who you are, cling to it, it will strengthen you and 
heal you.

I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.  There is still time to participate, just send a message on my Facebook page.

Poetry

Out of all the forms of expression and art in the world, poetry is my favorite.  Through the stringing together of words, it can paint a picture, demonstrate joy, rage or sorrow.  Words have a great power because they touch all parts of a soul.  Words can make you see, elate you or comfort you.  Poets tend to be very messed up people, I should know as I wrote my dissertation on one. Poetry makes life better.

There is a poem for every occasion ranging from love like Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 to premature ejaculation like Rochester's An Imperfect Enjoyment.  I write poetry when I'm sad because it's a strong emotion.  You will rarely see a poem about mediocrity.  Poetry has something profound behind it, which is what makes poems magical.  

There are many poems that exist in the world in every language.  It's the form of expression that illustrates beauty, passion and despair and sometimes all at the same time.  Without this form the world would be a duller place.  The whole range of human emotions can be found in poems.  You can see the beauty of walking on a beach or the heartbreak of a lost love.  There is always something in poetry that anyone can relate to.

My challenge to you is to find a poem and read it.  Don't analyze it for its meaning, but enjoy the remarkable expression that the poet took the time to pen.  Even the simplest poems have extraordinary properties. If you would like, comment on what poem your read.  Read and enjoy because poetry makes life better.

When Your Body Turns Against You

I have mentioned that I have Hashiomoto's Thyroiditis, which means my immune system is attacking my thyroid.  The small organ at the base of your throat, which controls metabolism mostly.  With it not working properly, it can fuck up your entire life.

Depression, weight gain, hair loss, brittle nails, dry skin and fatigue are all symptoms of Hashimoto's.  I've talked about it before, so why am I repeating it?  I went to my endocrinologist today for my check up since my symptoms have come back.  I exercise, but not longer have the stamina to keep up the same speed on the bike as it actually hurts to do so.  My hair is falling out, I have the dry patches on my ankles and have thick black hair on my chin, which I pluck out everyday.  I gained all the weight I lost back again.

My body turned against me.  Every time I try to do aerobic exercise after about 3 months my body freaks out and starts attacking my thyroid again.  It just feels like I cannot win.  I have switched to lunges and squats to make up for my lack of biking.  I can still do the push ups and abs, but why does my body do this? 

I honestly used to cut sometimes to relieve some of my Hashimoto's symptoms since the cuts gave my immune system something to do.  I know how horrible that sounds, but for a short time, it made me functional.  Everything is out of control now.  This is a condition that has to be managed, but doing good things like exercising regularly is not something my body agrees with.

Since weight gain is a major symptom, guess what comes along with it?  Diabetic illnesses!  I have insulin resistance, which means I'm on diabetes medications too.  I just take too many pills and one day I would like to be off most of them.

Am I going to be stuck on a diet of celery forever?  It's difficult to get better when you feel sick all the time.  Add to the Hashimoto's allergies and asthma and I'm in pain most of the year.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't have good days, but sometimes my life is not worth living.

I want to know what it's like to not be sick anymore.  I want to not drive the people I care about away because I'm miserable.  I feel fat, ugly and stupid a lot of the time.  I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world because it's too difficult sometimes to try.  I am nauseous or have a headache 98% of the time.

I don't know what to do.  I am having a blood test soon, so hopefully my thyroid meds will be adjusted.  No one said that it would be this hard.  Today, I hate my life.

Yes, I'm working to change it, but my own body has knocked me back. Ugh.

Adventures in Cooking

One of the things that has been on my Wellness Plan is to cook once a week.  I have been slacking in recent weeks because I've just been feeling blah.  I started cooking again last week.  It helps with my concentration and my love of food.

I decided to do that in order to try to get better.  When I was depressed, I couldn't concentrate and I was eating terribly.  My stomach was holding a revolt from all the junk I was eating.  While, I'm not eating 100% healthy, cooking once a week does help me mentally and physically.

The last 2 days, I've been cooking with my mother to get ready for Thanksgiving and Hanukkah.  I made homemade applesauce with local apples and cinnamon.  I learned how to peel an apple with a knife, which helped my motor skill coordination issue.  I also helped make the potato pancakes, which make the whole house smell, but not in a bad way.  It makes it smell like fried goodness.

Today, I made pumpkin soup.  It ended up being delicious.  Yes, it was from all fresh ingredients, which definitely makes a difference.  The soup was very simple and easy to make, it was just time consuming.  Salt is definitely a miracle spice, but too much can ruin it.   I love the color of the soup, a bright orange, that reminds me of fall.  I have achieved a small goal in making this soup as it was something that I have always wanted to cook.

Cooking makes life better because it is a skill that takes time and passion to learn.  It always has an end result of either being good or bad.  The good is delicious and the bad you can laugh over.  Even a small change of cooking for yourself/family once a week makes a huge difference in outlook.  It gives me a feeling of accomplishment.

We all have to eat and there is something to be proud of when you produce a good home-cooked meal.  I enjoy learning and food, so cooking made sense for me.  Cooking does make life better.

Staying up too late

Hello, I'm the Doctor.

It's said in the fandom that those are the three words that every girl wants to hear.  Everyone has something that is bigger than themselves that they believe in, enjoy and follow.  When I was falling apart I found the Doctor.  Doctor Who makes my life better.

Sometimes it's hokey and a bit ridiculous, then again I love Queen and they were over the top and ridiculous.  Maybe it's a British thing.  Once you get past all the monsters and aliens you realize that it's a very human show.  It's about love, loss, friendship, compassion and second chances.  It also has some great quotes.  One of my favorites is:  "Dinner and bondage, works for me."

I was a mess when I started watching it.  I lost my companion and it felt like my world was destroyed.  I started watching Doctor Who from the beginning of the new series with Christopher Eccleston as the ninth Doctor.  He played the Doctor that is in the most pain, which I could relate to.  He was the loneliest person in the universe, which was cathartic to me.  There was someone else in the universe that understood how I felt, even if it was a fictional character.  He would hide his burden behind a happy-go-lucky exterior, a great smile and sassy humor. Underneath it all he was carrying a heavy burden.

When things get bad or I have a tough day, I can escape to the Doctor's world, where things always work out in the end.  Not all of it is happy, but the Doctor carries on.  I cried when Rose was trapped in another dimension and when the Tenth Doctor regenerated into Eleven.  My non profit that I'm working on came from an episode called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor couldn't save Vincent Van Gogh so that he wouldn't kill himself, but he showed Vincent that all his work wasn't worthless.

They are stories.  Stories are things that we hold onto because sometimes that's all we have.  We're all stories in the end.  I hope mine is a good one.  Even if he isn't real, the Doctor made my life better.  Maybe that's the point of it, the loneliest man in the universe tries to make the universe better.  He has such an appropriate name because it helped heal me. 

Fashion Makes Life Better

I have always picked out my own clothes since I was a small child.  Some people criticized my mother for letting me do this, but I would wear whatever I wanted.  I still do.  I can be laid back, dressy, tactless, slutty or couture.  Whatever I choose to wear makes me feel awesome.  Fashion makes life better.

I haven't always had a love of fashion because of my body type.  I'm curvy and an hourglass figure.  I have a tiny waist with wide hips.  I have spent many a jean shopping expedition crying on the floor of the fitting room.  When I was in college, there was a movement in the fashion world to have "healthy" models.  Curves started to come back into fashion and there were clothes that I could wear and look amazing in.

I have a love hate relationship with Ralph Lauren.  He makes beautiful clothes that I look fabulous in, but I can't afford them.  He created the only strapless dress that I could wear, but I couldn't afford it.  Instead I ended up with my miracle black dress (see below), which I still have and wear. Clothes and accessories are ways to express our inner feelings.  Maybe that's why I was slightly goth in High School and College. 

Fashion can turn into fantasy, can be art and can make you feel better.  Have you ever dressed up nice just for yourself to make yourself feel better?  I usually dress nice for work because it makes me feel good about myself.  Even today, I got compliments on a green tank top that I wore.  I don't think I have a pretty face or the perfect body, but I can wear some amazing clothes that flatter my body type.

Here's a challenge for all of you: wear something that makes you feel amazing.  It can be jeans and a T-shirt,  a pretty dress, your favorite scarf or sweats.  Fashion can improve life because it can make you feel gorgeous.  Post the pictures in the comments or on the facebook page. 

Fashion makes life better.

Keep Passing the Open Windows

Words and music by Freddie Mercury

This is the only life for me
Surround myself around my own fantasy
You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need
Love is all you need

Do you know what it's like to be alone in this world
When you're down and out on your luck and you're a failure?
Wake up screaming in the middle of the night
You think it's all been a waste of time
It's been a bad year
You start believing ev'rything's gonna be alright
Next minute you're down and you're flat on your back
A brand new day is beginning
Get that sunny feeling and you're on your way

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

Do you know how it feels when you don't have a friend
Without a job and no money to spend?
You're a stranger
All you think about is suicide
One of these days you're gonna lose the fight
You'd better keep out of danger - yeah!
That same old feeling just keeps burning deep inside
Keep telling yourself it's gonna be the end
Oh get yourself together
Things are looking better everyday

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

This is the only life for me
Surround myself around my own fantasy
You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need
Love is all you need

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows

You just gotta be strong and believe in yourself
Forget all the sadness 'cause love is all you need - yeah
Love is all you need
Baby - love is all you need

Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just keep passing the open windows...

 I can't believe it's been 22 years.  I still love you.

Queen makes life better.

Struggle

I've been struggling a lot today.  I slept for twelve hours, which seems to be something that I needed, but upon waking, nothing seemed to be going well today.  I wore my mask of trying to seem ok though the sadness came bubbling through. 

Part of it is feeling that I am stuck.  Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives...getting married, finding someone, having kids, getting great careers and I'm here.  I'm going to be 28 soon and I think I'm a complete failure.  I have a Masters and am doing nothing with it.  I am at the lowest rung on my company with no chance of improvement even though I have experience in what I want to go into.  I still have symptoms of depression, which is terrible.  I feel like I have no one.

I'm in pain most of the time.  I still need to get a tooth removed, which I'm procrastinating on since I don't have the money.  My intestines keep having issues, which makes food and sex not pleasurable at all.  I wake up everyday and dry heave because of allergies.  Is this is what I get out of life, just trying to carry on through the physical pain.

I'm also lonely.  I know that people love and care about me, but I can't feel that still.  I've always had a difficult time connecting to people.  Since all my friends' lives are changing, I can't even feel most of them anymore.  The worst part for me is that I lost my movie buddy.  He has 2 jobs and found a girlfriend.  I can't begrudge him that as he's always wanted a girlfriend.  Maybe I'm just programmed differently.  Maybe I'm too independent and need my own thing. 

Maybe I'm meant to be alone.  It seems that the life that most people lead is what brings on so much unhappiness.  We don't communicate, we end up so wrapped up in building a life with the significant other that friends are put to the side.  Even when I was with someone, I made time for my friends. 

Maybe life really doesn't have a purpose.  i want to give up and hide for the rest of my life.  Maybe my campaign was a stupid idea.  Maybe it's all a lie and life isn't really worth living.  I miss having someone that just calls randomly and wants to hangout or spends all day talking. 

I can't even get the energy to cook dinner.  Nothing is lifting me today.  I'm sitting here crying while I'm writing this.  I mean I got my hair done today, went shopping and spent sometime with work friends at a bowl-a-thon, but none of it seems real or important.  I did 2/3rds of my exercises, but nothing is making me feel better.

Maybe I should just give up on the campaign.  Maybe nothing can make life better.  All of it is just silly.  Maybe life is only going to be bearable and that's the best we can hope for.  Friendships don't last, love doesn't last, happiness doesn't last, so what's the point?

Friends Make Life Better

I read once that friendships only last an average of 9 months.  That made me a bit sad because I believe and feel like people are becoming increasingly isolated by technology and illnesses.  I think friends are the most important thing in one's life because you choose them to be close to.  You go to them to have fun, be happy and support you when your relationship goes wrong.  For me, my friends mean the world.

Family is one support system, but friends are different.  I don't always get along with my family as they have their own little quirks and it's difficult for me to relate to them on some things.  With a friend you have someone that you can be weird with.  Someone that shares the same interest.  Not every friend will be someone that you bear your heart and soul to, but they can be there to just have a good time. 

To Write Love on Her Arms is having a campaign called People Need People.  It's true!  We can't all live in a vacuum, completely cut off and alone.  Part of depression makes you withdraw from everyone because of the distorted belief that the world is better off without you.  One of the things we do in therapy is make a plan to be social at least once a week.  Another person can make you forget your troubles for a little bit.  It doesn't matter what the social event is, as long as it is with another person, your friend.

When I got depressed my friends shifted a bit.  Some grew distant, while some left completely.  Others stepped forward because they cared enough to make sure I was ok.  I had one friend, Ashley, take time out of her schedule so that we could go to dinner because I was having a bad week.  Sue is always there to promote my blog because it matters to me.  Friendship is about support and the little things because the little things are what is most important. 

Humans were meant to be social creatures.  We were not meant to sit at home, watch TV or play on the computer all the time.  We were meant to go out, play games, talk over dinner and generally just hang out.  We are meant to be together, which is why friends are so important.  Some friends you might be super affectionate with, others you may never hug, others you may only see once a year, but they are all important in your life.

Yes, it hurts when friends disappear without giving a reason.  If they do give a reason, then they cared enough about you to tell you goodbye.  It might be hurting them just as much, but some things are worth getting your heart broken for. 

There will be friends that you only go out to eat with, some that you see every once in a while and then there will be friends that will pick you up off the floor.  No matter how close they are, they are still your friends and you always need them.  With depression being around people is part of what the doctor orders.  New friends, old friends, close friends, or distant friends, it doesn't matter.  Friends make life better.

Makeup Makes Life Better

For me, one of the few perks of being a girl and an adult is the fact that I get to wear makeup.  I've heard a lot of guys say they like a natural looking girl and I know people that never wear makeup.  I guess this makes me a girly girl, but I love makeup because it's fun.

Makeup is full of colors.  You can have a natural look, a dramatic look or end up looking like Lady Gaga.  It can enhance you or turn your into a fantasy.  My favorite thing to do with makeup is to make myself pretty.  I look kind of plain without makeup, but with it, I sparkle.

Every girl has a makeup must have, a favorite brand and color.  My item of choice is eyeliner.  I adore black eyeliner mostly because of Freddie Mercury whom I've loved since I was a child.  I adored the exagerrated liner that enhanced his brown eyes.  Now, I wear black eyeliner.

I'm going to now include some pictures because makeup is fun.  Fun is what makes life amazing, therefore make up makes life better.

Striving

Striving makes life better.  This is my third installment for __Makes Life Better.  I've been a little down about the reception of this campaign so far.  I was so excited about this one because I thought this could come up with things that would make people realize that life is worth living.  For me, at least, I doubt this statement.  How can life be worth it with all the bad in the world?  I came up with a campaign to look at the good in life.

Striving is something that we all must do to heal ourselves.  We must reach out beyond ourselves to a goal to get better.  Mine is writing this blog, creating a non-profit and trying to achieve my dreams.  I strive as much as I can everyday.  Achieving dreams is what makes life better, ergo striving makes life better.

Eventually, I want to thrive.  The more I strive, I may eventually thrive.  It's difficult for me manage my illness.  I don't want my life to be about just managing my depression.  I want to be alive again.  That is why I continually make goals in order to be more than just my illness.  I have 11 left on my list to finish by the beginning of March.  That is me striving.

The reason why I put striving makes life better was because that was the first kind thing he said to me since he left.  To me, that meant that he never really stopped caring.  The word "strive" is etched on my heart.  It's a motivation to keep going even though I want to give up.  I keep going because of that word even when I doubt that life is worth living.

I may sound pathetically in love with him, but I don't know what love is really.  I am striving towards a place where I will be able to feel again.  I have been depressed on and off for 15 years.  It has gone from severe to mild to remission and back again.  Depression robbed me of many of my emotions.  I could feel his care for me and I care for him and that meant more to me for those nine months than my MA or promotions or being an adult.  I saw the possibility that I could be a person again.  That is why I hold the word strive in my heart forever.

Striving makes life better because as of right now, that is all I have.

Come Back?

If you still care, would you say?
Does love still survive so much trauma?
Maybe it does, but I still doubt

I do all of this for you
in an effort to get you back
To get you to adore me again.

I still miss you
More than my pathetic heart can take
Won't you come back?

Music Makes Life Better

There have been several studies on the effects of music on the brain.  Classical music has been shown to improve brain function and learning retention.  Music has also been shown to effect mood.  This is what I wanted to tell you about today.  Music can make life better.

The key to dealing with depression is to not listen to sad music because you will start to ruminate.  When I was in the darkness of my deep depression I listened to Les Miserables a lot, which I can say wasn't helping.  I kept thinking about the loss that I had suffered and how life (work) had, at least in my mind, killed my dream.  What I needed was something upbeat to lift me out of my funk.

Whenever I'm a mess, P!nk seems to come out with an album that describes what I'm going through.  Her song, "Try" helped me immensely.  It was about losing someone and trying to carry on in spite of it. Now her song, "Just Give Me A Reason," is on all the time.  Now, while the lyrics are what I listen to more, the music itself is upbeat. It has been stated that when you're happy you hear the music, but when sad, you hear the lyrics.  I think a combination of both can lift the spirit.

When I was at a therapy session, my therapist suggested that I create a playlist of uplifting music.  A lot of what was on it was pop music because it's also good to exercise to.  That's a different post though.  I do suggest that people make a "happy" playlist, which is just a bunch of songs that lift your mood.  Mine also has a lot of 80's music.  That seems to be happy music because music that came out of the 80's was slightly ridiculous.

Bottom line is that whatever your musical tastes, your favorite artist, or just liking the beat, music makes life better. It's not something huge, but it can improve life 3 minutes at a time.

Writing Makes Life Better

First thing is that I'm going to explain the campaign, ___ Makes Life Better and then I will launch into the first part of the campaign,which is close to my heart.  Writing is what makes my life better and that is how we will launch the new campaign.

The way that this campaign is going to work is that it will be completely written.  I have come up with a list of things that make life worth living and will post them here.  Some of the things I do, some of them I would like to do and some I may start to do.  They are not all activities, some are shows, others are hobbies.  I also want to hear from you.  What makes your life better?  It can be anything.  This campaign runs from today through November 30.  You can message me on my Facebook page if you would like me to post one for you.  These are based on opinions, not scientific fact.

This campaign was all inspired while I was in Mystic and I read a book Famous Last Words.  When I read Vincent Van Gogh's, it inspired me to do this.  He said that painting makes life bearable.  I wanted something a bit more positive.  Life should be more than just bearable.  It should be fantastic, but with depression that is the most difficult thing for life to be.

So for me, the first thing that makes my life better is writing.  Writing makes life better.  I've been writing since I was in high school.   When my first depression hit, I started writing poetry like mad.  It helped get the impossible feelings of despair out of my head.  Rory, my English teacher, said that I had talent as a poet.   That made me start believing in my small talent as a writer.  I get ideas for stories all the time and try to write them down.  They are mostly just flashes, but they are there.

I've written plays, essays, poems.  Now, I'm focusing on writing this blog and writing letters.  I volunteer for for More Love Letters, where I leave letters of encouragement all over the place for someone to find to hopefully lift their day.  I had a few years where I had writer's block because all the creativity was sucked out of me, most likely from academics and a low grade depression.  However, I am writing now, which is all that matters.

There is power in the written word that transcends everything.  Words have the power to lift and the power to destroy.  They can paint a mental picture, transport you to a different world, make you fall in love and break your heart.  Being able to do these things with a pen and paper or a keyboard makes my life fantastic.

Stay tuned for other things that make life worth living.  

The First Story

I wrote the other day about how I was better with certain people.  I should write the story of what happened that I needed to be made better from.  This is the first story.  Not the story of the incident, which was the impetus of this blog, Pile of Good Things and my wellness plan.  This is the story of how I realized I was different and how it broke me.

After I finished Graduate School in England, I came home to CT.  I never like coming back to CT, but I ran out of money, couldn't get a visa to stay and came back home.  First order of business was to find a job.  Of course in 2009, the economy was still crappy.  I ended up with 3 part time jobs.  One was at an oil tank removal company, one was as a tutor and then I worked for a cosmetics company.  The last is where we had problems.

When I first started, I was so in love with the company's products as they were mostly natural and had safe synthetics.  I will not name the company here for certain legal reasons.  I originally liked the people I worked with because I was only there for part of the time and we were busy since it was for Christmas.  The first year was OK.  It was the second year that started to cause me problems because I was passed over for promotion and the assistant manager's best friend was picked for a supervisor's position over me.  They claimed that I wasn't ready and that may have been true, but it was disappointing nonetheless and my performance suffered.  I believe this was due to lack of communication on both sides.  I had an MA, was over-educated and underpaid for my position.  I was ready for responsibility, but was offered none. 

I eventually did get the promotion in July of 2011, which was fine.  The manager got fired in September for harassing the staff, which included screaming in my face in a public forum.  Things got better for a little bit until the assistant manager was trying to get the management job.  That's when her crazy came out and I was starting to be bullied by her.  Everyone started to be bullied, actually.  When the new manager came in, I complained, but the assistant won out in the end because she had the company's best interest at heart.  The assistant was necessarily mean, but she would throw tantrums, belittle in public and be demeaning to staff.  All this eventually broke me down and led to a minor depression and a lapse into cutting.

The final breakdown of this incident happened in 2012 at a Holiday party.  I was having a really bad night because I was so out of my mind on endorphins.  I was being ignored by almost everyone except the waiter, who was the only one that noticed something was wrong.  I went into the bathroom twice to try to cut myself with a hair clip.  I admit, not my best moment.  I was so miserable and at one point I was talking about Sherlock and somehow a gun was mentioned.  It got interpreted that I was going to mow down the entire place.  I don't own a gun.  I actually hate guns and would never wish to have one.  Long story short, I got fired the next day, which was fine.

I was so happy that I never had to go back.  I actually smiled for the first time in 6 months after that.  I stopped cutting that day and started to glow.  The problem was coming back from it.  It took time and was a great struggle and then he walked into my life.  It wasn't always easy with him, but I started to come alive again.  I still struggled with cutting and depression, but I had someone that I could feel in my corner.  I came up with a modified wellness plan, but it all eventually fell apart as the depression started to come back 2 months before the incident.  The incident is another story for another day.

My life is never going to be easy.  I know the lure of cutting will always be there.  Depression can be seductive in a deceptive way.  There will always be triggers and now I am more aware of them.  Time has healed this wound with support.  There are other wounds that are still healing,  I'm hoping that things will change soon and I will come back to what I was.

PS.  I forgot to add one thing.  Since the cosmetics company uses sulfates in almost everything, I have permanent damage to my hands.  I get tiny itchy patches on my fingers, which flare up more in winter.  Only Shea butter lotion from a rival company seems to help a long with a prescription cream.  I complained about this, but no one seemed to be concerned with my injuries caused by their "amazing" products.  I have a permanent reminder of what happened there.  A permanent reminder of the bullying, but a permanent reminder of my survival.

I Was Better With You

There are people in the world that can bring out the best in you.  There are others that bring out the worst in you and then there are those that can heal you.  I think when you look back and it's what you remember that counts.  I had someone bring out the best in me.  He almost brought my back to life.

I had great conversations with him.  Not everyday was great, but overall, I wasn't lonely.  I had someone that understood what it was like to be this messy, but still be worthwhile.  I miss that.  I miss having someone that I could talk to everyday and be myself with.  It's still not easy to be friends with me, but at least he tried to be for as long as he could.  Maybe things will get better.

I have a new friend named Jill and I think she's bringing out the best in me too.  She's a great person who likes the same things that I do.  We talk everyday about annoying customers at work.  It's a great distraction.  We talk about the Doctor and she was the one that sent me the Dalek.  She makes my days bearable and I'm glad I met her.

I am struggling a lot still.  I was better when I had a friend there all the time.  Maybe I need a companion or an assistant.  I believe that friends are the family that you choose.  No relationship is perfect, but the point of them is enjoyment.  He started to make me alive.  When he disappeared I felt the chasm that is still engulfing me.  I am still trying hard to work on getting better.  I am better with people around me.  Maybe one day I will have a large group to depend on.  For those there thank you.  For those that left, I was better with you.

Doubting

I have this nagging feeling that I don't matter.  It comes and goes.  It washes over me like a wave without notice, yet it rarely subsides.  Something telling me that everything I do is pointless.  It triggers a craving to cut, just to get rid of the feeling of unworthiness.  Sometimes it's not a fun life, being me.

I am trying to be positive, but something is still wrong with me.  I have not been managing my illness well for the past month.  I am still taking my medication, but I've been run down from work and just the financial pressures I'm under.  I also haven't been doing my exercises regularly due a cold or going out.  I also hate the class I'm taking now, Human Resource Selection, as it's uninteresting and poorly designed.  The quiz says it's chapters 9-12, but has no questions on chapter 10, yet has questions on chapter 13.  Maybe I need to get on track with my wellness plan.

As far as my list goes I have 12 items left on it to finish by the end of February.  I'm hoping that half of those will be completed as the other half are longer term goals or need money to complete them.  I also know that using up my perfume will be a work in progress.  I'm not over buying soap or lotion until I use them up and then I can get more.  Some things I have to get done before my parents move so that way I have someone there in case I need rides for medical procedures.

I know that I'm going to have bad days/weeks and that I will be lonely.  It would be so much easier to give up and let my illness win.  It would be easier to stop striving, sit around and pity myself, but I don't.  I continue to fight even though I'm totally exhausted, freezing and am in pain.

I was productive today at least.  I wrote an outline for the presentation that I want to make to businesses for Pile of Good Things.  I really want to go forward and help people to ensure that what happened to me will never happen to another person ever again.  Right now though, it feels hopeless as I have no idea what I'm doing.

I do feel alone a lot of the time.  I know that pisses people off, but the truth is that I spend a lot of time alone.  I lost my assistant and my companion this year.  I need an assistant and a companion.  They can be the same person, but it's difficult to care for me.  It's hard enough for me to care for myself.  Maybe the depression has robbed me of all the caring that I can feel from others.

I'll stop now because it is too depressing at the moment.