The nature of addiction whether it be self medicating or self mutilating is that the very thing we use to survive becomes the behavior that ends up killing us.
The above is a quote from CSI from an episode called the Hunger Artist where a model literally self injured herself to death because of infection. Her addiction was extreme and frightening, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't understand it.
I would have to say that I was probably addicted to cutting and I tried so long to hide it. It turned somewhere from a coping mechanism to something that I needed to reset my brain and make me normalize. The truth is that I miss it because you have a love/hate relationship with your addiction of choice.
Russell Brand wrote an article recently about viewing drug addicts as sick instead of criminals. He was a heroin addict which I suspect helped him ease the symptoms of his bipolar disorder. There are 2 things that stood out in the article. The first was that he envied his former self that was smoking smack on the dirty floor because he felt that he was happier then. The second was him stating that drugs and alcohol weren't his problem. Reality was his problem and drugs and alcohol were his solution. He summed up addiction in all its forms perfectly.
While I don't think that I was happier while cutting, I felt that I was more stable even though it was a dangerous cycle. I also agree that reality is my problem because life is too difficult sometimes and cutting is my solution. It is, however, a temporary, self-deluded solution to realities problems. It got so out of control that the cutting itself became the problem.
Cutting didn't end up killing me, but I'm sure it was on its way there. The frequency increased, the severity increased and the need increased. The hardest part was stopping and yes, I still miss it. It's the relationship that is seductively destructive, but it's always there. The terrible friend that I can always count on.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
90 days
So today marks 90 days since I quit cutting. Everyone keeps saying good job or that they are proud of me or that I should be proud of myself, but I still just feel empty and sad. I feel like I'm still missing some connection of getting better.
I feel that there is still an emptiness that is consuming me. I feel like I don't matter or that I'm not good enough and establishing contact with someone only gets met with rebuffs and sayings about trivialities. Not everyday will be fantastic in fact most of life is full of trivial happenings because we all just mill around all day at work. The most exciting thing I did today was spill my hot chocolate and then almost have a temper tantrum because I'm frustrated with myself.
I keep getting told to be gentle with myself while the medicine is taking effect because my brain and body chemistry are changing. The changes are causing my cognitive abilities to be slow and my coordination to suck too. I just get frustrated with myself, but I should be viewing it as rehabilitation. I just feel stuck and keep suffering setbacks. Even writing this blog is difficult at the moment because I keep spelling things wrong and using the wrong words. I was on the suicide hotline instant chat twice this week because I am mad at myself and for an instant thought that not being alive would be worth it.
I just feel like I am needy all the time and that I'm a bad friend. I just keep losing. Maybe I don't see the strength in myself and hate that the process is slow, but I have all these things that I want to accomplish and it's just not happening.
One of the things that keeps ruminating in my mind is this upcoming training because I have to see him. I also have to provide a failure for my sales training. I am tempted to say that my entire life is a failure because there are days when it seems so. I have no prospects of a boyfriend, no prospects for career advancement and am drowning in debt from 2 degrees that I am not using. My life is just not living up to my potential or my dreams.
I feel that I need to accomplish my goals to be worthwhile because I have no sense of self-worth. If I finish a list item then I'm good. If I help someone then I'm amazing, but just being alone by myself relaxing, I'm worthless. I feel like I can't do this. A friend of mine, Jamiyl, reminded me that I can get better because I am already working at it.
Depression starts by taking away happiness, then it eats away every emotion until all that is left is nothingness. You're just a pit of emptiness that no one can reach and you can't reach out. Getting better means you start feeling again, but all I feel is sadness and loss. I don't know if that's better than feeling nothing.
I haven't cut in 90 days, but has my life really improved? Am I better off without it or was it just a crutch to replace my non-functioning brain? Everyone says that this is a huge accomplishment and I celebrated by getting food from the UK, the place that owns my heart, but I still feel hollow. Here's to 90 days.
I feel that there is still an emptiness that is consuming me. I feel like I don't matter or that I'm not good enough and establishing contact with someone only gets met with rebuffs and sayings about trivialities. Not everyday will be fantastic in fact most of life is full of trivial happenings because we all just mill around all day at work. The most exciting thing I did today was spill my hot chocolate and then almost have a temper tantrum because I'm frustrated with myself.
I keep getting told to be gentle with myself while the medicine is taking effect because my brain and body chemistry are changing. The changes are causing my cognitive abilities to be slow and my coordination to suck too. I just get frustrated with myself, but I should be viewing it as rehabilitation. I just feel stuck and keep suffering setbacks. Even writing this blog is difficult at the moment because I keep spelling things wrong and using the wrong words. I was on the suicide hotline instant chat twice this week because I am mad at myself and for an instant thought that not being alive would be worth it.
I just feel like I am needy all the time and that I'm a bad friend. I just keep losing. Maybe I don't see the strength in myself and hate that the process is slow, but I have all these things that I want to accomplish and it's just not happening.
One of the things that keeps ruminating in my mind is this upcoming training because I have to see him. I also have to provide a failure for my sales training. I am tempted to say that my entire life is a failure because there are days when it seems so. I have no prospects of a boyfriend, no prospects for career advancement and am drowning in debt from 2 degrees that I am not using. My life is just not living up to my potential or my dreams.
I feel that I need to accomplish my goals to be worthwhile because I have no sense of self-worth. If I finish a list item then I'm good. If I help someone then I'm amazing, but just being alone by myself relaxing, I'm worthless. I feel like I can't do this. A friend of mine, Jamiyl, reminded me that I can get better because I am already working at it.
Depression starts by taking away happiness, then it eats away every emotion until all that is left is nothingness. You're just a pit of emptiness that no one can reach and you can't reach out. Getting better means you start feeling again, but all I feel is sadness and loss. I don't know if that's better than feeling nothing.
I haven't cut in 90 days, but has my life really improved? Am I better off without it or was it just a crutch to replace my non-functioning brain? Everyone says that this is a huge accomplishment and I celebrated by getting food from the UK, the place that owns my heart, but I still feel hollow. Here's to 90 days.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Dreams
Everyone has dreams that they want to accomplish in life. Some are big and some are small. Some complex and some simple. Mine are a mixture of them. I'll list some of them and right now a lot of them are not able to be accomplished in the short term.
I want to become an official writer
I want to be free of my madness
I want to live in England and have a koi pond where I can take care of fish.
I want to find someone that cares for me completely.
My craziest dream is to build a museum completely dedicate to Freddie Mercury:
I want to sing in public again
I want to go back to being me.
Those are some of my dreams. I don't know if I will be able to accomplish any of them, but I can try.
I want to become an official writer
I want to be free of my madness
I want to live in England and have a koi pond where I can take care of fish.
I want to find someone that cares for me completely.
My craziest dream is to build a museum completely dedicate to Freddie Mercury:
I want to go back to being me.
Those are some of my dreams. I don't know if I will be able to accomplish any of them, but I can try.
I hate you.
"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the
way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb
combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes
me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always
right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even
worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the
fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
That's from 10 Things I Hate About You and that the way I feel about him.
That's from 10 Things I Hate About You and that the way I feel about him.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Descriptions
I was having a wonderful lunch with a friend on Saturday and she said something that made me think. I gave her the first letter of my friendship campaign. I can see my friend's suffering and this friendship, while new, has been a bit rocky. She said that I was sweet for giving her the card and a token.
I have never considered myself sweet or kind, because I have not really seen either. Kindness is very rare in the world. My best quality is my loyalty. Even when things get bad, I still hold out hope that we can come back together. It usually happens because of my charisma, which has gotten me through the hard times until recently. Patience is the other thing that a lack, but my hope however small remains.
I hope that he will remember the good times and come back. I hope that he realizes that I did all that I could to reveal nothing and save us both. I hope that my temper does not drive Geof and Brianna away again. I hope that I can find something to be happy about.
My best qualities are my loyalty and charisma. They offset my condition and the madness that now holds my heart.
I have never considered myself sweet or kind, because I have not really seen either. Kindness is very rare in the world. My best quality is my loyalty. Even when things get bad, I still hold out hope that we can come back together. It usually happens because of my charisma, which has gotten me through the hard times until recently. Patience is the other thing that a lack, but my hope however small remains.
I hope that he will remember the good times and come back. I hope that he realizes that I did all that I could to reveal nothing and save us both. I hope that my temper does not drive Geof and Brianna away again. I hope that I can find something to be happy about.
My best qualities are my loyalty and charisma. They offset my condition and the madness that now holds my heart.
Silver Linings Playbook
I have been working on this a long time since I read the book and saw the movie, so I'm going to write about the movie because it has had a wider impact and I'm slightly in love with Jennifer Lawrence. There are going to be spoiler alerts, so if you haven't seen it, stop reading now.
First the quick synopsis and then the break down! Silver Linings Playbook is about a man named, Pat (Bradley Cooper), who just gets out of the mental hospital after an 8 month stay for attacking his wife's lover because he was undiagnosed bipolar. Pat's parents have custody of Pat and have to help him cope by going therapy and taking his medication. Pat is determined to get his wife, Nikki back, but Pat meets Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence). Tiffany is a young woman, whose husband died and she has had a difficult time dealing with his death. Pat and Tiffany make a deal to help each other out. Tiffany by delivering letters to Nikki and Pat by being Tiffany's partner for a dance competition. Through spending time with each other, they help each other get better and fall in love.
I have to say that I loved this film so much because it reflected my own life on so many levels. I related the most to Tiffany because depression takes so much away and then we have to find some way to overcome the sadness after the self destructive period. Tiffany found dance and I write. I also really understood what she meant that she does everything for other people and then gets nothing in return. I feel like I do that too. I do a lot of things for people and then I get nothing. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too giving and then people take advantage of that.
I enjoyed the way the Bradley Cooper played Pat because you can see the fight in his eyes and yet the confusion. He doesn't want to be crazy and sad, but there are times that he is convinced that he doesn't need the medications. I do know some people who suffer from bipolar disorder and some are convinced that they can control it without medication. All disorders are unpredictable and even managed people can still have episodes. He eventually comes back to reality and realizes that he got what he needed not what he wanted. He got Tiffany because that's who he needed.
This film can be very raw and shows the symptoms of both depression and bipolar disorder. It is great that it has created a dialog on mental illness because people who suffer from these conditions are not just a label. We struggle and we try, but sometimes we mess things up and fail. It also reminded me a lot of me and him and yet I hold out hope that one day we can both be fixed and that we both can have a happy life.
Silver Linings Playbook was a fantastic film with great portrayals that I highly recommend to everyone.
First the quick synopsis and then the break down! Silver Linings Playbook is about a man named, Pat (Bradley Cooper), who just gets out of the mental hospital after an 8 month stay for attacking his wife's lover because he was undiagnosed bipolar. Pat's parents have custody of Pat and have to help him cope by going therapy and taking his medication. Pat is determined to get his wife, Nikki back, but Pat meets Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence). Tiffany is a young woman, whose husband died and she has had a difficult time dealing with his death. Pat and Tiffany make a deal to help each other out. Tiffany by delivering letters to Nikki and Pat by being Tiffany's partner for a dance competition. Through spending time with each other, they help each other get better and fall in love.
I have to say that I loved this film so much because it reflected my own life on so many levels. I related the most to Tiffany because depression takes so much away and then we have to find some way to overcome the sadness after the self destructive period. Tiffany found dance and I write. I also really understood what she meant that she does everything for other people and then gets nothing in return. I feel like I do that too. I do a lot of things for people and then I get nothing. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm too giving and then people take advantage of that.
I enjoyed the way the Bradley Cooper played Pat because you can see the fight in his eyes and yet the confusion. He doesn't want to be crazy and sad, but there are times that he is convinced that he doesn't need the medications. I do know some people who suffer from bipolar disorder and some are convinced that they can control it without medication. All disorders are unpredictable and even managed people can still have episodes. He eventually comes back to reality and realizes that he got what he needed not what he wanted. He got Tiffany because that's who he needed.
This film can be very raw and shows the symptoms of both depression and bipolar disorder. It is great that it has created a dialog on mental illness because people who suffer from these conditions are not just a label. We struggle and we try, but sometimes we mess things up and fail. It also reminded me a lot of me and him and yet I hold out hope that one day we can both be fixed and that we both can have a happy life.
Silver Linings Playbook was a fantastic film with great portrayals that I highly recommend to everyone.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Campaign Announcement
I am working on a longer post, but I want to announce the campaign that I will be starting in August. It will run from August 1 to August 31 and it is called, "I am not my scars." This will be a photo campaign, so I will put up pictures of me not hiding my scars since they tell a story. If you would like to participate, please send pics to zandraava@gmail.com.
I am also working on a personal campaign about friends. That just entails me writing to my friends and telling them what they mean to me. This is partly because my friends mean the world to me and partly because my creativity is finally coming back.
I am also working on a personal campaign about friends. That just entails me writing to my friends and telling them what they mean to me. This is partly because my friends mean the world to me and partly because my creativity is finally coming back.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Improvements and Issues
I'm beginning to notice improvements, but there are still lingering issues that are haunting me. Since I want to leave on a positive note if I can, I'll leave the improvements for last. I am better, but far from whole. This is the first time that I've been able to see that I am better.
I still have issues that are lingering. I am tired all the time and I'm not sure if it's the depression or allergies or a combination of both. It's still difficult for me to get up and out of bed in the morning. I don't get restful sleep and then my muscles are tired. I also have body image issues stemming from low self esteem.
While I have lost weight, I say that I've gone from fat to looking slightly pregnant. I say that because depression destroyed my body without me even realizing it. I keep comparing myself to other girls who are thin and get male attention. This makes me feel less about myself. The other issue I'm having is adult acne. I get very big oily ones and even though I switched facial scrubs they keep coming up. That makes me feel ugly. It's not just on my face either...ugh.
My concentration and focus is also lagging behind. I keep having difficulties with my speech and what I am doing at the moment. I take online courses and get bored and just skim through them. I worry that I will not do well during my upcoming trainings because of this focus issue.
Now for the improvements I've noticed. My mood has been slightly elevated. Yes, some days are difficult but in general on a scale of 1 to 10, the lowest I've been is a 4. The highest is a 6. I'm getting stable, which is definitely a great thing. With the improved mood other things have followed.
I have started to sing and dance again. When depression hits, there is no joy, there is just nothingness. My voice and my body are both still. There can be no elation when there is just emptiness. I am starting to feel like myself again. My charisma has started to return and that attracts people to me.
My motivation has started to return and the wellness plan has helped with that. Writing this blog everyday keeps me motivated to improve and inspire. The exercising daily helps me slim down and keep the neurotransmitters up. I am motivated to get better. It's turning into a want to thing instead of a have to thing.
There are still things that I want to improve on such as being a better friend, but for now there are improvements and we have to focus on the good.
I still have issues that are lingering. I am tired all the time and I'm not sure if it's the depression or allergies or a combination of both. It's still difficult for me to get up and out of bed in the morning. I don't get restful sleep and then my muscles are tired. I also have body image issues stemming from low self esteem.
While I have lost weight, I say that I've gone from fat to looking slightly pregnant. I say that because depression destroyed my body without me even realizing it. I keep comparing myself to other girls who are thin and get male attention. This makes me feel less about myself. The other issue I'm having is adult acne. I get very big oily ones and even though I switched facial scrubs they keep coming up. That makes me feel ugly. It's not just on my face either...ugh.
My concentration and focus is also lagging behind. I keep having difficulties with my speech and what I am doing at the moment. I take online courses and get bored and just skim through them. I worry that I will not do well during my upcoming trainings because of this focus issue.
Now for the improvements I've noticed. My mood has been slightly elevated. Yes, some days are difficult but in general on a scale of 1 to 10, the lowest I've been is a 4. The highest is a 6. I'm getting stable, which is definitely a great thing. With the improved mood other things have followed.
I have started to sing and dance again. When depression hits, there is no joy, there is just nothingness. My voice and my body are both still. There can be no elation when there is just emptiness. I am starting to feel like myself again. My charisma has started to return and that attracts people to me.
My motivation has started to return and the wellness plan has helped with that. Writing this blog everyday keeps me motivated to improve and inspire. The exercising daily helps me slim down and keep the neurotransmitters up. I am motivated to get better. It's turning into a want to thing instead of a have to thing.
There are still things that I want to improve on such as being a better friend, but for now there are improvements and we have to focus on the good.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Exhaustion
This is going to be a short one, but today was a triumphant day. I cleaned out my closet with the help of my best friend. Yes, it was extremely stuffy, but it is done! It only took us an hour to go through the mess that is my closet.
I got rid of shoes, clothes and purses, but I refused to part with my British Flag. It represents home, the place I belong and I will never be able to part with it. This process was exhausting physically and emotionally.
There were things in the closet that I've had since high school, so they are at least 10 years old. I don't know why I was holding onto these things. Maybe I was afraid of letting go. Maybe I wasn't ready or maybe I just wanted to feel the things when I had them.
I am just drained. I feel empty and my body is aching. My room is still not done. I still have a lot of work to do, but the mess is the outward expression of my psyche. I am a mess and my living space is showing it. Right now I'm too exhausted to fight and stay tidy.
The best part is that I have friends that are willing to help me fix my mess and therefore fix my life.
I got rid of shoes, clothes and purses, but I refused to part with my British Flag. It represents home, the place I belong and I will never be able to part with it. This process was exhausting physically and emotionally.
There were things in the closet that I've had since high school, so they are at least 10 years old. I don't know why I was holding onto these things. Maybe I was afraid of letting go. Maybe I wasn't ready or maybe I just wanted to feel the things when I had them.
I am just drained. I feel empty and my body is aching. My room is still not done. I still have a lot of work to do, but the mess is the outward expression of my psyche. I am a mess and my living space is showing it. Right now I'm too exhausted to fight and stay tidy.
The best part is that I have friends that are willing to help me fix my mess and therefore fix my life.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Profound realization.
The other day I came to a profound realization and that is that my depression was never preventable. I would use other things to make me feel good like the travel or shopping and cutting. I need the newness to flood my brains with the neurotransmitters that I was lacking. There was no cognitive way for me to fully escape my illness because my body doesn't work right.
I took a genetics test to figure out what medications to be on and it turns out that I do not process folic acid correctly. I am missing an enzyme the breaks down folic acid at the 5th process to L-methylfolate, which is the only one that crosses the blood brain barrier that helps create the good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Therefore, I need other things to help balance out the lack of those things.
I think that's why I always get attached to the wrong people. I need the up from being around them and talking to them, but even that wears out after a while and then I am trying to chase the high. Shopping is my new vice, but it's not in an overarching way as I try to spend my time writing and doing chores, but I can never seem to keep things clean.
He told me once that he controls his illness by keeping watch for warning signs and then counteracting them. I don't think anyone can really control their illness as emotions aren't logical. When your brain chemicals are out of balance then you really can't control your emotions. There was no way for me to stop my descent. I think people that say their illness is controlled are just lying to themselves. Conditions can be managed, but not controlled.
I do realize this and have a management plan in place so that my illness is not in control of me. I am me, not depression.
I took a genetics test to figure out what medications to be on and it turns out that I do not process folic acid correctly. I am missing an enzyme the breaks down folic acid at the 5th process to L-methylfolate, which is the only one that crosses the blood brain barrier that helps create the good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Therefore, I need other things to help balance out the lack of those things.
I think that's why I always get attached to the wrong people. I need the up from being around them and talking to them, but even that wears out after a while and then I am trying to chase the high. Shopping is my new vice, but it's not in an overarching way as I try to spend my time writing and doing chores, but I can never seem to keep things clean.
He told me once that he controls his illness by keeping watch for warning signs and then counteracting them. I don't think anyone can really control their illness as emotions aren't logical. When your brain chemicals are out of balance then you really can't control your emotions. There was no way for me to stop my descent. I think people that say their illness is controlled are just lying to themselves. Conditions can be managed, but not controlled.
I do realize this and have a management plan in place so that my illness is not in control of me. I am me, not depression.
Monday, May 20, 2013
27 club
This is going to be the hard one. I think we all have that difficult reflection that we have to face and tonight is one of them. This guy I knew from High School is dead. We had the same group of friends, were friendly, but we weren't friend friends. He always seemed kind and was a genuine human being. The thing is that he had just turned 27.
I always feared turning 27 as that I was raised by rock stars and happened to be suffering from depression. There is they myth called the 27 club where rock stars (mostly with addiction issues) all die at the age of 27. Janis Joplin is in it as is Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse and Brian Jones. It's been theorized that the body changes in the late 20s, so tolerance flips and the addict can die. I was always skeptical at this age and the guy I knew just turned 27 and it's rumored to be from an overdose. I'm not sure if that's true and if it true, was it accidental or purposeful.? It doesn't matter anyway.
27 is the age that I spiraled out of control. I fight everyday to try to get better, but it is a struggle. I don't know what the guy was struggling with, but there must have been more that could have been done. If his death was intentional, I can't say that I don't understand. I also know that people who are in so much pain that the only solution they can see is death is that their wish is to be saved up until the last second. They wait for a phone call or a knock on the door or the gun to jam. A sign that they were meant to stay.
I know that some people will be offended by my writing this, but I write for me and if people read it fine. If not, then you are missing out on some deep thoughts. There are two things that are extremely selfish: killing oneself and getting better. Both are ego centric as they only focus on yourself. I want to get better and unfortunately I can't be a good friend until I'm better.
Being part of the 27 club is tragic and I'm sorry that this guy is now part of that club. I can be selfish and say that is should be me, but no one should be part of that club because then the what if game start to be played. 27 cuts the person's potential short. It extinguishes their bright light and the sorrow will never abate.
I always feared turning 27 as that I was raised by rock stars and happened to be suffering from depression. There is they myth called the 27 club where rock stars (mostly with addiction issues) all die at the age of 27. Janis Joplin is in it as is Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse and Brian Jones. It's been theorized that the body changes in the late 20s, so tolerance flips and the addict can die. I was always skeptical at this age and the guy I knew just turned 27 and it's rumored to be from an overdose. I'm not sure if that's true and if it true, was it accidental or purposeful.? It doesn't matter anyway.
27 is the age that I spiraled out of control. I fight everyday to try to get better, but it is a struggle. I don't know what the guy was struggling with, but there must have been more that could have been done. If his death was intentional, I can't say that I don't understand. I also know that people who are in so much pain that the only solution they can see is death is that their wish is to be saved up until the last second. They wait for a phone call or a knock on the door or the gun to jam. A sign that they were meant to stay.
I know that some people will be offended by my writing this, but I write for me and if people read it fine. If not, then you are missing out on some deep thoughts. There are two things that are extremely selfish: killing oneself and getting better. Both are ego centric as they only focus on yourself. I want to get better and unfortunately I can't be a good friend until I'm better.
Being part of the 27 club is tragic and I'm sorry that this guy is now part of that club. I can be selfish and say that is should be me, but no one should be part of that club because then the what if game start to be played. 27 cuts the person's potential short. It extinguishes their bright light and the sorrow will never abate.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
That part of the day
There is a part of the day that I refer to as the "blah" part of the day. It happens most of the time on Sundays as I don't have many things planned. It's the part of the day where there is nothing to do but think and by thinking I realize all the things that I miss, which then makes me sad.
During the blah part of the day I'm usually tired and bored. Before the incident, I would normally find something to do or watch a movie, but since the incident, my brain hasn't been working as well. I can't seem to make a decision on what to do, so I end up wasting time doing nothing. I have caught myself staring at the floor as my brain tries to decide the best option.
It's during the blah time that I understand why my therapist doesn't want me to take more than one day off of work because my entire day would then be blah time. It's even difficult to write this blog today because my mind is lacking focus. Sometimes it feels like my mind is in 20 places at once or it's just spinning around on nothing.
Sometimes it's the emotions that make it blah. I go back and forth between missing him and hating him. I end up knowing why I love Freddie and then missing him too. I have projects to do and then just can't do them. I want to be motivated to do things, but I just can't.
I don't know if it's the meds that haven't taken full effect or if it's the depression still trying to win, but blah time is not good for me or anyone and it hampers my productive times. Most of the time I just get tired and sleep, which then makes me not sleep at night.
Blah time is just part of the struggle when my day isn't structured.
During the blah part of the day I'm usually tired and bored. Before the incident, I would normally find something to do or watch a movie, but since the incident, my brain hasn't been working as well. I can't seem to make a decision on what to do, so I end up wasting time doing nothing. I have caught myself staring at the floor as my brain tries to decide the best option.
It's during the blah time that I understand why my therapist doesn't want me to take more than one day off of work because my entire day would then be blah time. It's even difficult to write this blog today because my mind is lacking focus. Sometimes it feels like my mind is in 20 places at once or it's just spinning around on nothing.
Sometimes it's the emotions that make it blah. I go back and forth between missing him and hating him. I end up knowing why I love Freddie and then missing him too. I have projects to do and then just can't do them. I want to be motivated to do things, but I just can't.
I don't know if it's the meds that haven't taken full effect or if it's the depression still trying to win, but blah time is not good for me or anyone and it hampers my productive times. Most of the time I just get tired and sleep, which then makes me not sleep at night.
Blah time is just part of the struggle when my day isn't structured.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
National Mental Health Awareness Month
The month of May is National Mental Health Awareness month in the US. This is a crucial thing in order for people to reach out and help someone. There are a lot of people who are suffering who refuse any kind of assistance because of the stigma from others or because they think that they can fix their problems on their own. I was one of the latter.
There is a danger in being brilliant in a world of dullness and that is being different. As smart as I am, I felt like should be able to fix my own problems because I did all my research, but I am still at the bottom of the ravine with little hope of coming back up.
I made the decision to get help before the incident at work because I was struggling. After the incident at work, I didn't think that I would ever get better and while I'm not 100%, I have improved. Though I have lost a lot.
I live in Connecticut and in December there was one of the worst school shootings in the history of the US. Whenever there is a shooting the media and most people start blaming guns and the easy access to them, but what should be looked at is the mentality of the shooter. Most of them have some type of mental disorder. If we can identify that these people are in trouble and get them help then maybe these things can be avoided.
Mental health is something to be aware of because people struggle all the time and those that suffer are looking for a helping hand even though we cannot express it. We are missing something that we cannot define. The world would be a much better place if we reached out and cared for one another. If we didn't ignore the pain and showed compassion towards another in need, then maybe we can change the world one person at a time.
So, reach out. Tell someone that whatever is going on, it can change. The world is just an illusion trying to change us. Tell them to fight. Even just a smile can change someone's outlook. Mental health is important and each and every one of us can help.
There is a danger in being brilliant in a world of dullness and that is being different. As smart as I am, I felt like should be able to fix my own problems because I did all my research, but I am still at the bottom of the ravine with little hope of coming back up.
I made the decision to get help before the incident at work because I was struggling. After the incident at work, I didn't think that I would ever get better and while I'm not 100%, I have improved. Though I have lost a lot.
I live in Connecticut and in December there was one of the worst school shootings in the history of the US. Whenever there is a shooting the media and most people start blaming guns and the easy access to them, but what should be looked at is the mentality of the shooter. Most of them have some type of mental disorder. If we can identify that these people are in trouble and get them help then maybe these things can be avoided.
Mental health is something to be aware of because people struggle all the time and those that suffer are looking for a helping hand even though we cannot express it. We are missing something that we cannot define. The world would be a much better place if we reached out and cared for one another. If we didn't ignore the pain and showed compassion towards another in need, then maybe we can change the world one person at a time.
So, reach out. Tell someone that whatever is going on, it can change. The world is just an illusion trying to change us. Tell them to fight. Even just a smile can change someone's outlook. Mental health is important and each and every one of us can help.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Mantra
Everyone has a personal motto or a mantra that keeps them going through the difficult times. It could be "onwards and upwards" or it could be "excelsior" like from Silver Linings Playbook. Everyone has one and I am going to share and explain mine, which is "one more miracle."
I started using this as my mantra because it's from my favorite series, Sherlock, the modern day adaptation of Sherlock Holmes stories that stars Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes and Martin Freeman as Watson. The last scene of season 2 is : "One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't be dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this." This quote shows the depth of Watson's belief in Holmes and the effect that one person can have on another. It's the one thing that I watch over and over.
Someone told me today that miracles don't exist. That I work. I think that they don't understand what a miracle is. At least not to me. Miracles take hard work and seem impossible, but when they happen they bring so much joy and satisfaction. A miracle is a simple small act of caring because in the world full of craziness and death, a small act of kindness is a tiny miracle.
So, yes I believe in miracles because they are small and take a terrible amount of work, but they exist. My miracle will be making it to my 28th birthday. That is in 7 months and it is going to take every ounce of strength and all the tools and coping mechanisms and help that I can get, but making it to 28 will be my miracle. One more miracle.
I started using this as my mantra because it's from my favorite series, Sherlock, the modern day adaptation of Sherlock Holmes stories that stars Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes and Martin Freeman as Watson. The last scene of season 2 is : "One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't be dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this." This quote shows the depth of Watson's belief in Holmes and the effect that one person can have on another. It's the one thing that I watch over and over.
Someone told me today that miracles don't exist. That I work. I think that they don't understand what a miracle is. At least not to me. Miracles take hard work and seem impossible, but when they happen they bring so much joy and satisfaction. A miracle is a simple small act of caring because in the world full of craziness and death, a small act of kindness is a tiny miracle.
So, yes I believe in miracles because they are small and take a terrible amount of work, but they exist. My miracle will be making it to my 28th birthday. That is in 7 months and it is going to take every ounce of strength and all the tools and coping mechanisms and help that I can get, but making it to 28 will be my miracle. One more miracle.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The power of friends
There is always one thing that I am always grateful for and that is my friends. The ones that stand by me when I'm monstrous and will be there for me when I need it. I really do have some fantastic supportive friends.
After the terrible day of yesterday, one of my friends went out with me to the cheesecake factory, which I had never been to. The food was delicious and the conversation divine, but what I really wanted to talk about was the unexpected...a journal.
I am having a 90 day party and Ashley cannot make it due to a prior commitment, but at dinner she presented me with this amazing journal and I was so touched. It's a wellness journal which has tabs like personal goals, diet, exercise and inspirations. It is something that I will definitely use and I was so amazed and inspired by her thoughtfulness and friendship.
My friends are a fantastic, honest group of people and I am lucky to have them.
After the terrible day of yesterday, one of my friends went out with me to the cheesecake factory, which I had never been to. The food was delicious and the conversation divine, but what I really wanted to talk about was the unexpected...a journal.
I am having a 90 day party and Ashley cannot make it due to a prior commitment, but at dinner she presented me with this amazing journal and I was so touched. It's a wellness journal which has tabs like personal goals, diet, exercise and inspirations. It is something that I will definitely use and I was so amazed and inspired by her thoughtfulness and friendship.
My friends are a fantastic, honest group of people and I am lucky to have them.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
A terrible day
What people fail to realize is that depression and anxiety are episodic even on medication. I had an anxiety episode today and it was horrible. My anxiety is high because of stress at work and then i took an exam today and a page was missing. It was just horrible.
When I feel so tensed and stressed people really can't get close to me. My supervisor wanted to discuss a problem with a check and took an extra step towards me and i freaked out and told her to back off. I mean I try every single day to get to work and try to do my job. I only missed half a day of work since the incident happened. I think that's pretty good.
I didn't meant to explode but I just can't let anyone get too close to me. I'm also mad at myself for making so many mistakes because it feels like my brain is flipping. I have been on Pristiq for about a month and have just started the Deplin. It just seems like my brain chemistry is messed up.
I feel stupid most of the time because my brain isn't working. I used to be a valued employee and now I'm just a fucking mess. I can't concentrate or I stare off into space. I use my coping journal and try to identify my thoughts. I try and it seems like it isn't good enough.
I asked to have a break in the morning and they want to put it under Family Medical Leave Act instead of Americans with Disabilities act, which says that a reasonable accommodations for disabilities. I am not asking for a change in work schedule or to inconvenience anyone. I just need time to decompress and breathe for a bit. They are waiting on paperwork from my APRN. They should only need a letter not FMLA. My company is ridiculous.
I just don't know what to do anymore. People look at mental illnesses as an excuse. I work my butt off to try to get better and yet the world seems like it wants me to be pummeled to the ground. I have lost so much and I just want to go back to being me. The meds are messing with my brain and I want that stage to be over with.
When I feel so tensed and stressed people really can't get close to me. My supervisor wanted to discuss a problem with a check and took an extra step towards me and i freaked out and told her to back off. I mean I try every single day to get to work and try to do my job. I only missed half a day of work since the incident happened. I think that's pretty good.
I didn't meant to explode but I just can't let anyone get too close to me. I'm also mad at myself for making so many mistakes because it feels like my brain is flipping. I have been on Pristiq for about a month and have just started the Deplin. It just seems like my brain chemistry is messed up.
I feel stupid most of the time because my brain isn't working. I used to be a valued employee and now I'm just a fucking mess. I can't concentrate or I stare off into space. I use my coping journal and try to identify my thoughts. I try and it seems like it isn't good enough.
I asked to have a break in the morning and they want to put it under Family Medical Leave Act instead of Americans with Disabilities act, which says that a reasonable accommodations for disabilities. I am not asking for a change in work schedule or to inconvenience anyone. I just need time to decompress and breathe for a bit. They are waiting on paperwork from my APRN. They should only need a letter not FMLA. My company is ridiculous.
I just don't know what to do anymore. People look at mental illnesses as an excuse. I work my butt off to try to get better and yet the world seems like it wants me to be pummeled to the ground. I have lost so much and I just want to go back to being me. The meds are messing with my brain and I want that stage to be over with.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Mini attacks
Since I have a dual diagnosis of anxiety and depression, the symptoms can be difficult to pinpoint. The worst thing to experience is a mini panic attack. The things that I experience are chest pain and headaches because my meds as they don't allow me to have a full blown anxiety attack.
I worked the entire day and these schedules have one of us off part of the morning. The mornings that I have will be fine as I have a tough time in the morning, but being alone for the first hour and half is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because all the pressure is on me. It is just ....
I have enough stress going on in my life that I don't need more. I'm trying so hard to just get through but it's not happening. I may need to talk to someone tonight to just work out my feelings because they just build up inside.
I just don't know anymore. The psychology pain and the stress are causing physical problems.
I worked the entire day and these schedules have one of us off part of the morning. The mornings that I have will be fine as I have a tough time in the morning, but being alone for the first hour and half is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because all the pressure is on me. It is just ....
I have enough stress going on in my life that I don't need more. I'm trying so hard to just get through but it's not happening. I may need to talk to someone tonight to just work out my feelings because they just build up inside.
I just don't know anymore. The psychology pain and the stress are causing physical problems.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The list
On the wellness plan post, I mentioned continuing a list of short term goals. I started this with him as he heard of it during a sales training and what I do is modify it. The original list had things on there that were long term goals as well as life goals. When everything happened, I ripped up that list and then redid it because the original list had things on it that were silly and no longer valid.
When I rewrote the list there were short term goals as well as things for the wellness plan. I decided to make a formal wellness plan and then do the list of short term goals. These are things that I work on that can be accomplished in 6 months or less. The current list expires in August. If I don't accomplish the things on this list, then I will roll them over to the next 6 months.
It is important to have goals that are achievable in short term because with depression we need things to look forward to that don't take a long time to accomplish. The reason is that I am not that patient and when results don't happen I get frustrated and give up. I'm surprised that I haven't cut in 73 days because I feel like I should be better and functioning. That just brings on frustration because my self-esteem is still low.
The list of short term goals is a good idea because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I complete one. I had 16 original ones on the new list. I have completed 5 of them as they were easily accomplished. There are a few that are taking longer than expected because part of it is recouping my finances that spiraled out of control because of my depression. So one of them is paying off my credit card and another is building up my savings so that I can move out. The other monetary part is cutting spending. Part of this is stop buying junk food.
Another one I hope to accomplish this week of cleaning out my closet. This serves two purposes: first is to change my clothes from fall/winter to spring/summer. I may have Jen help me so that I can sort through the clothes and get rid of the ones that I don't wear/that are too big. There are also things in my closet that I don't use or that I will never wear. They should be gotten rid of too.
The final part of the list are things that are going to take time or have to be scheduled to accomplish. This includes working on my novel, rebuilding my relationships and using up my excess bath and body products. These are the serious and mundane parts of the list, but again once I cross something off, there is a sense of accomplishment that will build up my confidence.
I think that having short term goals help while one is recovering because it builds that self esteem and keeps one focused. This has helped me because even with the longer term ones, I start seeing progress. Like I said I have already accomplished 5 things on the list. If I don't accomplish these goals as my financial ones are taking longer than I had estimated, then I can put them onto the next 6 months. The point is that I have goals and I am working towards them.
Along with my wellness plan, I think these goals will help me get to the better place. The place that I want to be. The place where I am truly me.
When I rewrote the list there were short term goals as well as things for the wellness plan. I decided to make a formal wellness plan and then do the list of short term goals. These are things that I work on that can be accomplished in 6 months or less. The current list expires in August. If I don't accomplish the things on this list, then I will roll them over to the next 6 months.
It is important to have goals that are achievable in short term because with depression we need things to look forward to that don't take a long time to accomplish. The reason is that I am not that patient and when results don't happen I get frustrated and give up. I'm surprised that I haven't cut in 73 days because I feel like I should be better and functioning. That just brings on frustration because my self-esteem is still low.
The list of short term goals is a good idea because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I complete one. I had 16 original ones on the new list. I have completed 5 of them as they were easily accomplished. There are a few that are taking longer than expected because part of it is recouping my finances that spiraled out of control because of my depression. So one of them is paying off my credit card and another is building up my savings so that I can move out. The other monetary part is cutting spending. Part of this is stop buying junk food.
Another one I hope to accomplish this week of cleaning out my closet. This serves two purposes: first is to change my clothes from fall/winter to spring/summer. I may have Jen help me so that I can sort through the clothes and get rid of the ones that I don't wear/that are too big. There are also things in my closet that I don't use or that I will never wear. They should be gotten rid of too.
The final part of the list are things that are going to take time or have to be scheduled to accomplish. This includes working on my novel, rebuilding my relationships and using up my excess bath and body products. These are the serious and mundane parts of the list, but again once I cross something off, there is a sense of accomplishment that will build up my confidence.
I think that having short term goals help while one is recovering because it builds that self esteem and keeps one focused. This has helped me because even with the longer term ones, I start seeing progress. Like I said I have already accomplished 5 things on the list. If I don't accomplish these goals as my financial ones are taking longer than I had estimated, then I can put them onto the next 6 months. The point is that I have goals and I am working towards them.
Along with my wellness plan, I think these goals will help me get to the better place. The place that I want to be. The place where I am truly me.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Pressure release
The worst part of anxiety is the pressure build up. I know part of it is stress and part of it is procrastination, so the pressure has no where to go, but up. This pressure build up also fuels the depression because then I end up doing nothing. So, why the pressure release? I actually accomplished something with the help of a friend.
Since my mother is determined to fix the house up to put it on the market, the house is in a stage of chaos. This chaos does not ease things for me because it just adds to the pressure. All the things on my desk went into 2 boxes that had to be sorted through. I told Jen that it was just too difficult for me to go through, so she volunteered to help me with that. We actually got the boxes in the basement done today!
I had a ton of shit that was just hanging out in those boxes. The stuff got divided up into keep, trash and sell. We threw out a ton of stuff. They were mostly old papers and receipts that I no longer needed. I guess I was just too lazy to sort through them. There are a few things that I should still get rid of, but I'm not ready for that and even if I am. There is one piece of paper that I will need to keep. We all need a memento of a time.
I did learn that I do not need candles ever again because I have a giant pile of them underneath my desk to be used. Love candles because they bring light to the darkness and that is symbolic to me. It's the little shred of hope that we all need.
That might be why I bought a wall sconce today. It was at a tag sale for $2 and it's of the moon. I love the night and the moon. This is the hope of getting a new place and finally being able to make a place mine with light, candles, warmth and joy.
I think things are easier to deal with when someone is willing to help you sort through it because I am not able to go through it by myself. I don't think anyone can see clearly when it's their own stuff. That might be why shows about cleaning are so popular. Grab a friend and clean because that way you can talk your way through it. Remember the good times or laugh at stupid things you keep. Like dead kitty:
This tiny act with the help of a friend has relieved the pressure a bit. The next pressure spot is my bed room. That will take a few weeks to go through as that is covered in clothes, books and perfume. Let the games begin.
Since my mother is determined to fix the house up to put it on the market, the house is in a stage of chaos. This chaos does not ease things for me because it just adds to the pressure. All the things on my desk went into 2 boxes that had to be sorted through. I told Jen that it was just too difficult for me to go through, so she volunteered to help me with that. We actually got the boxes in the basement done today!
I had a ton of shit that was just hanging out in those boxes. The stuff got divided up into keep, trash and sell. We threw out a ton of stuff. They were mostly old papers and receipts that I no longer needed. I guess I was just too lazy to sort through them. There are a few things that I should still get rid of, but I'm not ready for that and even if I am. There is one piece of paper that I will need to keep. We all need a memento of a time.
I did learn that I do not need candles ever again because I have a giant pile of them underneath my desk to be used. Love candles because they bring light to the darkness and that is symbolic to me. It's the little shred of hope that we all need.
That might be why I bought a wall sconce today. It was at a tag sale for $2 and it's of the moon. I love the night and the moon. This is the hope of getting a new place and finally being able to make a place mine with light, candles, warmth and joy.
I think things are easier to deal with when someone is willing to help you sort through it because I am not able to go through it by myself. I don't think anyone can see clearly when it's their own stuff. That might be why shows about cleaning are so popular. Grab a friend and clean because that way you can talk your way through it. Remember the good times or laugh at stupid things you keep. Like dead kitty:
This tiny act with the help of a friend has relieved the pressure a bit. The next pressure spot is my bed room. That will take a few weeks to go through as that is covered in clothes, books and perfume. Let the games begin.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Rushing Things
The process of getting better really is a slow one and that is the most frustrating part. I have an army of helpers/caregivers/friends that are helping me and yet I'm extremely frustrated and frustrating. I am frustrated with the fact that I'm not 100% back to me in 4 weeks. I think that in turn frustrates everyone else.
I have improved form where I was in February. I have stopped cutting (today is day 70). I have regained some confidence, lost weight and can identify my distorted thinking. My concentration has improved though if I get stressed it goes in 3 seconds. I have lost weight and exercise everyday. I have regained my sense of humor and my charisma. I still get frustrated with the fact that mornings are difficult and I have no energy to do any projects like those on my list.
There are things that I'm doing to combat the frustration like writing this blog. I also talk to my friends to keep communication open. I cook once a week to give me a sense of accomplishment. I also have fun trying new foods. Today I had veal that I hadn't had in a long time and it actually gave me a feeling of joy. Food can be an amazingly comforting thing when one feels lost.
I do get frustrated with my job because I feel like I should be moving forward, though that just may be my impatience and my sense that I am stuck. I am not patient at all and that is causing some of my frustration.
I am trying to rush things because I want to fix relationships and move ahead, but I keep trying not to feel the way I feel and not to deal with it. I keep trying to skip the step of fixing me. I don't know whether it's because I have to fix my self-esteem which is a mix of Tony Stark and Ophelia. That makes it complicated because I think I'm awesome, but don't care if I die tomorrow. It's a mess.
I think I need to focus on me and fixing me before I can move forward. I just have to keep thinking of one more miracle.
I have improved form where I was in February. I have stopped cutting (today is day 70). I have regained some confidence, lost weight and can identify my distorted thinking. My concentration has improved though if I get stressed it goes in 3 seconds. I have lost weight and exercise everyday. I have regained my sense of humor and my charisma. I still get frustrated with the fact that mornings are difficult and I have no energy to do any projects like those on my list.
There are things that I'm doing to combat the frustration like writing this blog. I also talk to my friends to keep communication open. I cook once a week to give me a sense of accomplishment. I also have fun trying new foods. Today I had veal that I hadn't had in a long time and it actually gave me a feeling of joy. Food can be an amazingly comforting thing when one feels lost.
I do get frustrated with my job because I feel like I should be moving forward, though that just may be my impatience and my sense that I am stuck. I am not patient at all and that is causing some of my frustration.
I am trying to rush things because I want to fix relationships and move ahead, but I keep trying not to feel the way I feel and not to deal with it. I keep trying to skip the step of fixing me. I don't know whether it's because I have to fix my self-esteem which is a mix of Tony Stark and Ophelia. That makes it complicated because I think I'm awesome, but don't care if I die tomorrow. It's a mess.
I think I need to focus on me and fixing me before I can move forward. I just have to keep thinking of one more miracle.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Magic still exists
Everyone needs some type of magic in their lives because magic still exists. For me, movies are magic. I'm not sure if it is because they take you away for a few hours or because they are stories that can help you figure out your own life. Either way, movies are magic.
The most powerful movie that I've seen recently was Silver Linings Playbook. I related a lot to the character of Tiffany because depression changes someone, but it can be overcome with the right support. The most interesting part of the movie is that the message is that mental illness can be dealt with and overcome. That film gave me hope and reminded me of how relationships are not always smooth, but they can be meaningful nonetheless. I have to say that when I was in the depth of this depression, I went to go see this film because nothing was working to cheer me. When I saw that film, it was the first time I had smiled in a week. It was a genuine smile, not the fake smile that takes all my energy to do at work. I must also point out that this was before I got the medication.
I watch a movie at least once a week because they do provide the distraction that I need in order to not cut. Movies provide hope that obstacles can be overcome. Will I ever have to fight a dragon? Probably not, but there are days when it feels like I have. Will I have to outsmart Moriarty? No, but there are days when I feel like I have to. Movies provide extraordinary moments that we can then use to help ourselves. Movies make us forget our problems for a short amount of time and that is magic.
Magic exists in the world, we just need to find it.
The most powerful movie that I've seen recently was Silver Linings Playbook. I related a lot to the character of Tiffany because depression changes someone, but it can be overcome with the right support. The most interesting part of the movie is that the message is that mental illness can be dealt with and overcome. That film gave me hope and reminded me of how relationships are not always smooth, but they can be meaningful nonetheless. I have to say that when I was in the depth of this depression, I went to go see this film because nothing was working to cheer me. When I saw that film, it was the first time I had smiled in a week. It was a genuine smile, not the fake smile that takes all my energy to do at work. I must also point out that this was before I got the medication.
I watch a movie at least once a week because they do provide the distraction that I need in order to not cut. Movies provide hope that obstacles can be overcome. Will I ever have to fight a dragon? Probably not, but there are days when it feels like I have. Will I have to outsmart Moriarty? No, but there are days when I feel like I have to. Movies provide extraordinary moments that we can then use to help ourselves. Movies make us forget our problems for a short amount of time and that is magic.
Magic exists in the world, we just need to find it.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Unsure
I'm unsure how I feel today. It was a crazy day at work and things still feel a bit unreal. I also still feel incredibly alone and that turns into just a big ball of confusion in the pit of my stomach. It's an uncomfortable mix of feelings that I used to cut in order to deal with them or make them go away. It seems like everyday is up and down.
It is said that a person goes through many emotions in one day and today that was definitely true. I got yelled at by a paranoid woman at work because I asked for her ID. She was not happy with this at all and I had to go through 20 minutes of why I needed it. After the transaction was done, I just went into the break room to calm down. I have an anxiety disorder and this started to shoot it right up. The medication stops me from going into a panic attack, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxiety. I called my sponsor, who didn't answer and then continued to walk and breathe. When I calmed down, I went back out to my station.
I also miss him. He doesn't talk to me everyday anymore and he's distant. I look over at a co-worker's station and he and she are e-mailing back and forth like we used to do. It's about silly things of no consequence and that's what I miss. We both went down and things got ruined. Now I have no chance of career advancement. At least not in the field that I would like to go into if I stay in banking.
I also have so much hate that it's driving me to have crying spells. I hate that I never got to make the choice as the choice was forced on me. I hate that I lost him. I hate my depression and my addiction and yet part of me needs them. I hate that things are moving so fast. I hate that I can't be me.
I feel like I have to conform to some soulless ideal that is never going to be me. I am sarcastic, charismatic and amazing. Those characteristics seem to be stifled. I'm living in the dark, but I'm aching to be free.
I don't really know what love is, but if what I'm feeling is love, then I love you. Even if I do not know you, I love you with all the love that my tiny broken heart can muster. I have been touched by madness and am unsure if I will ever truly be free of it.
It is said that a person goes through many emotions in one day and today that was definitely true. I got yelled at by a paranoid woman at work because I asked for her ID. She was not happy with this at all and I had to go through 20 minutes of why I needed it. After the transaction was done, I just went into the break room to calm down. I have an anxiety disorder and this started to shoot it right up. The medication stops me from going into a panic attack, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxiety. I called my sponsor, who didn't answer and then continued to walk and breathe. When I calmed down, I went back out to my station.
I also miss him. He doesn't talk to me everyday anymore and he's distant. I look over at a co-worker's station and he and she are e-mailing back and forth like we used to do. It's about silly things of no consequence and that's what I miss. We both went down and things got ruined. Now I have no chance of career advancement. At least not in the field that I would like to go into if I stay in banking.
I also have so much hate that it's driving me to have crying spells. I hate that I never got to make the choice as the choice was forced on me. I hate that I lost him. I hate my depression and my addiction and yet part of me needs them. I hate that things are moving so fast. I hate that I can't be me.
I feel like I have to conform to some soulless ideal that is never going to be me. I am sarcastic, charismatic and amazing. Those characteristics seem to be stifled. I'm living in the dark, but I'm aching to be free.
I don't really know what love is, but if what I'm feeling is love, then I love you. Even if I do not know you, I love you with all the love that my tiny broken heart can muster. I have been touched by madness and am unsure if I will ever truly be free of it.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Heartbreak
Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to overcome. Depression has ruined a lot of my relationships and totally took me away. JK Rowling described the feeling of depression very well when she describes a dementor attack. There really is no happiness in the world for the sufferer of depression and adding heartbreak to the mix is almost debilitating.
I have begun to mend some of the relationships that took a hit during my unstable phase and it's going well, but I still miss him. When he left it was at the point where I thought we were working things out. It just breaks my heart into pieces that a person that was there everyday barely says a word. He may still be upset with me, but I thought we were trying.
I know that it sounds like I'm a sad co-dependent wuss, but I really did care for this guy and we were supporting each other. That was taken away from me. Part of it is my fault and part is that events from one day were blown out of proportion. I'm tired of people saying that he was bad for me because having that support form someone that understands is never bad.
Medication doesn't numb one from these feelings. It doesn't stop the sadness or make one happy. It just makes things livable. My heart is broken either way and I feel like a shadow of myself. A counselor said that it would be up and down for a while. I just never thought that this would happen.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds and I hope that is true. My optimistic hope is that he will forgive me and we can be friends again. My pessimistic one is that I won't hurt anymore. The worst part is that a broken heart rarely kills a person. The reality is that we are never the same after the heart is broken. It can mend, but it will never be the same.
I have begun to mend some of the relationships that took a hit during my unstable phase and it's going well, but I still miss him. When he left it was at the point where I thought we were working things out. It just breaks my heart into pieces that a person that was there everyday barely says a word. He may still be upset with me, but I thought we were trying.
I know that it sounds like I'm a sad co-dependent wuss, but I really did care for this guy and we were supporting each other. That was taken away from me. Part of it is my fault and part is that events from one day were blown out of proportion. I'm tired of people saying that he was bad for me because having that support form someone that understands is never bad.
Medication doesn't numb one from these feelings. It doesn't stop the sadness or make one happy. It just makes things livable. My heart is broken either way and I feel like a shadow of myself. A counselor said that it would be up and down for a while. I just never thought that this would happen.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds and I hope that is true. My optimistic hope is that he will forgive me and we can be friends again. My pessimistic one is that I won't hurt anymore. The worst part is that a broken heart rarely kills a person. The reality is that we are never the same after the heart is broken. It can mend, but it will never be the same.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Unpredictability
The most difficult part about recovery is the unpredictability of it. There is a myth that once one is on medication and is in therapy that the person will be stable and will no longer have bad days. That's not how it works, folks. I have good days like yesterday and then I have bad days like today.
I know that friends want to support me, but disappointment and heartbreak have no support or solution but time. I was disappointed that I didn't get to go out tonight because it would have been a welcome distraction. I am suffering the heartbreak of missing him, which is ongoing. He technically isn't gone, but to not get into a row with others I won't get into it. The biggest blow was hearing the realtor say that everything has to be put in storage in order to sell the house. The worst part is that my mother had the realtor explain this to me as if I was a child.
Normally, I wouldn't mind this news, but everything is happening too fast. Eventually I will be homeless or at the mercy of friends because at the moment rent is too high for me to afford with student loans. I feel like I haven't had time to recover from everything and that I am burning out, which is why I now sleep all the time. I just feel like the depression is winning today.
I have cried and slept and even mustered up the energy to sort through one pile of stuff. It's just too much of a task to accomplish. I started small, but sometimes I just can only do a small amount of work. I am doing my best, but that isn't good enough for the time frame that I have.
I am trying to fight, but I need time to rest. Today I felt fat, ugly and dumb. That makes it impossible to accomplish anything of merit. My main triggers are still looming large. There is very little I can do to combat them aside from run, but then I realize that I have nowhere to go.
I wish that this could be happy but recovery is unpredictable and there will be bad days. I am still going to keep going. My heart is broken. I miss him. I miss the good version of me. I miss being able to get up in the morning. I miss London. I want stability again.
I know that friends want to support me, but disappointment and heartbreak have no support or solution but time. I was disappointed that I didn't get to go out tonight because it would have been a welcome distraction. I am suffering the heartbreak of missing him, which is ongoing. He technically isn't gone, but to not get into a row with others I won't get into it. The biggest blow was hearing the realtor say that everything has to be put in storage in order to sell the house. The worst part is that my mother had the realtor explain this to me as if I was a child.
Normally, I wouldn't mind this news, but everything is happening too fast. Eventually I will be homeless or at the mercy of friends because at the moment rent is too high for me to afford with student loans. I feel like I haven't had time to recover from everything and that I am burning out, which is why I now sleep all the time. I just feel like the depression is winning today.
I have cried and slept and even mustered up the energy to sort through one pile of stuff. It's just too much of a task to accomplish. I started small, but sometimes I just can only do a small amount of work. I am doing my best, but that isn't good enough for the time frame that I have.
I am trying to fight, but I need time to rest. Today I felt fat, ugly and dumb. That makes it impossible to accomplish anything of merit. My main triggers are still looming large. There is very little I can do to combat them aside from run, but then I realize that I have nowhere to go.
I wish that this could be happy but recovery is unpredictable and there will be bad days. I am still going to keep going. My heart is broken. I miss him. I miss the good version of me. I miss being able to get up in the morning. I miss London. I want stability again.
Happy
Yesterday was the first day that I felt happy. At least that's what I think happiness felt like. It was the first time that I felt above stable and could actually smile on my own. Maybe that is what being happy is.
I went to work yesterday and didn't get annoyed that much. We had a float and I was acting as a supervisor as the head teller had the day off. The only annoyance that I had was that there was a late customer, but that happens almost every week. I tried to help out as much as possible even though my exhaustion is getting in the way.
I spent the afternoon working on cleaning, which while it doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. My family is getting ready to sell our house and it looks great with all the updates, but I wish I could stay there. Not that I love the place I live, but I'm not entirely ready to leave it. I want to be ready to leave, but that will not happen in the timeline that I have.
The other thing that I did yesterday was go to tag sales and a thrift shop. To me these are like treasure hunting because you never know what you will find. I found some brand new bracelets that I will be using as gifts from a tag sale. I then went to a thrift shop because I was looking for a new pair of trousers for work as I lost a dress size. I didn't find those, but I found a shirt for $5, a necklace and eyeliner. I spent under $10 for all of that.
I'm going to explain the necklace that I bought as it significant to me. It is a plain silver clasp with a heart charm. The heart is broken in half and is missing a rhinestone on each half. To me, this means that even if the broken heart heals it will never be completely whole. I am not sure why this find lifted me, but it might be due to the fact that a jewelry designer understood that heartbreak changes a person.
While everyday will be a struggle for a while, I am hopeful that things will get better. I think this is a mix of the medication, the wellness plan and the fact that is is spring. Yesterday was the glimmer of what could be. That was the most important thing. Though I wasn't ecstatic, I was above stable and that was the thing that I needed.
I went to work yesterday and didn't get annoyed that much. We had a float and I was acting as a supervisor as the head teller had the day off. The only annoyance that I had was that there was a late customer, but that happens almost every week. I tried to help out as much as possible even though my exhaustion is getting in the way.
I spent the afternoon working on cleaning, which while it doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. My family is getting ready to sell our house and it looks great with all the updates, but I wish I could stay there. Not that I love the place I live, but I'm not entirely ready to leave it. I want to be ready to leave, but that will not happen in the timeline that I have.
The other thing that I did yesterday was go to tag sales and a thrift shop. To me these are like treasure hunting because you never know what you will find. I found some brand new bracelets that I will be using as gifts from a tag sale. I then went to a thrift shop because I was looking for a new pair of trousers for work as I lost a dress size. I didn't find those, but I found a shirt for $5, a necklace and eyeliner. I spent under $10 for all of that.
I'm going to explain the necklace that I bought as it significant to me. It is a plain silver clasp with a heart charm. The heart is broken in half and is missing a rhinestone on each half. To me, this means that even if the broken heart heals it will never be completely whole. I am not sure why this find lifted me, but it might be due to the fact that a jewelry designer understood that heartbreak changes a person.
While everyday will be a struggle for a while, I am hopeful that things will get better. I think this is a mix of the medication, the wellness plan and the fact that is is spring. Yesterday was the glimmer of what could be. That was the most important thing. Though I wasn't ecstatic, I was above stable and that was the thing that I needed.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
What I've learned...so far
While my anxiety level is severe and my depression level is moderate, I decided to write on what I've learned so far because it is a lot and I need to process it in some way. I do that by writing.
I have learned that people can be very supportive if you are honest and are still compassionate. After the incident I hated everyone. I hated my co-workers for butting into my life. I hated him for withdrawing. I hated everyone. I went to therapy and worked out my anger and then decided to write this blog. My friends stuck by me, but by writing this I got an overwhelming response from people I never thought would read it. It's heartwarming and restored my faith that people make mistakes but they aren't completely good or evil. I have forgiven my co-workers, but he is a different story.
I learned the difference between men and women. They think differently and act differently. Men don't really apologize. They show their care and move on from there. He is still talking and it's a bit confusing, but it's still a gray area. It really is up and down right now, but s I'm taking care of myself, maybe relationships can heal. I think we need to heal apart for now.
Getting better is exhausting work. It's completely retraining your brain to think differently and be different. Change is a long hard fight, but I am still working on it. I just tend to be sleeping a lot more. We must celebrate the breakthroughs and the next one is eating normally.
I have learned to ask for help. It got to a point where it was pretty bad, but staying silent will not fix the problem. I wrote a letter to my supervisor to ask for an extra break in the mornings as mornings are very difficult for me. I am just waiting for my APRN to fill out the paperwork so that I can have this break.
I have also kind of learned patience and that recovery doesn't happen overnight. Though I still want to rush things and for things to get better in a fortnight, I know that it won't. I just have to keep on with the wellness plan, exercise, therapy and medication. I also need to keep being social and seeing my friends.
That's what I've learned so far and I hope that I will continue learning and getting better. I hope that you, dear readers, will stay with me and continue rooting for me.
I have learned that people can be very supportive if you are honest and are still compassionate. After the incident I hated everyone. I hated my co-workers for butting into my life. I hated him for withdrawing. I hated everyone. I went to therapy and worked out my anger and then decided to write this blog. My friends stuck by me, but by writing this I got an overwhelming response from people I never thought would read it. It's heartwarming and restored my faith that people make mistakes but they aren't completely good or evil. I have forgiven my co-workers, but he is a different story.
I learned the difference between men and women. They think differently and act differently. Men don't really apologize. They show their care and move on from there. He is still talking and it's a bit confusing, but it's still a gray area. It really is up and down right now, but s I'm taking care of myself, maybe relationships can heal. I think we need to heal apart for now.
Getting better is exhausting work. It's completely retraining your brain to think differently and be different. Change is a long hard fight, but I am still working on it. I just tend to be sleeping a lot more. We must celebrate the breakthroughs and the next one is eating normally.
I have learned to ask for help. It got to a point where it was pretty bad, but staying silent will not fix the problem. I wrote a letter to my supervisor to ask for an extra break in the mornings as mornings are very difficult for me. I am just waiting for my APRN to fill out the paperwork so that I can have this break.
I have also kind of learned patience and that recovery doesn't happen overnight. Though I still want to rush things and for things to get better in a fortnight, I know that it won't. I just have to keep on with the wellness plan, exercise, therapy and medication. I also need to keep being social and seeing my friends.
That's what I've learned so far and I hope that I will continue learning and getting better. I hope that you, dear readers, will stay with me and continue rooting for me.
Friday, May 3, 2013
The lingering symptom
I was going to write about Silver Linings Playbook, but I will save that for another day because I have a lingering symptom of both depression and anxiety. I think it needs to be discussed because getting better is a tough business and this symptom will not subside easily. The symptom I'm speaking of is exhaustion.
It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how much I sleep I am always tired. This fatigue is also a trigger as my urges to self harm rise because I can't use the coping tools well when I'm tired. I feel like I'm dragging most of the day and it's why mornings are so difficult for me.
This exhaustion also effects my concentration and that makes me very frustrated because I am so intelligent, which I pride myself on. This lack of focus means I make mistakes that I didn't make before the incident, which made my issues so much worse.
I have asked for an extra break at work so that I will have time to calm down because of this exhaustion which makes my anxiety rise and that leads to chest pain. I am just waiting for my APRN to finish filling out the paperwork so that I can file it with my job. It will be such a relief to get a break and to be able to take care of myself because I want to be good at my job again and actually enjoy it.
I also want to address some other things, but that is for another time as well. The main thing I want to say is that I appreciate comments and if you use the drop down menu on there you can use either open ID or anonymous. I hope to hear from someone because people have sent my private messages that are encouraging. I hope this makes mental health have a face and voice because those that suffer feel alone and are not.
I will continue to write and will continue to fight this one last lingering symptom. Getting better is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm retraining my brain, exercising and learning how to deal with my emotions without running away from them. It is all draining and I am still hoping to overcome it.
It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or how much I sleep I am always tired. This fatigue is also a trigger as my urges to self harm rise because I can't use the coping tools well when I'm tired. I feel like I'm dragging most of the day and it's why mornings are so difficult for me.
This exhaustion also effects my concentration and that makes me very frustrated because I am so intelligent, which I pride myself on. This lack of focus means I make mistakes that I didn't make before the incident, which made my issues so much worse.
I have asked for an extra break at work so that I will have time to calm down because of this exhaustion which makes my anxiety rise and that leads to chest pain. I am just waiting for my APRN to finish filling out the paperwork so that I can file it with my job. It will be such a relief to get a break and to be able to take care of myself because I want to be good at my job again and actually enjoy it.
I also want to address some other things, but that is for another time as well. The main thing I want to say is that I appreciate comments and if you use the drop down menu on there you can use either open ID or anonymous. I hope to hear from someone because people have sent my private messages that are encouraging. I hope this makes mental health have a face and voice because those that suffer feel alone and are not.
I will continue to write and will continue to fight this one last lingering symptom. Getting better is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm retraining my brain, exercising and learning how to deal with my emotions without running away from them. It is all draining and I am still hoping to overcome it.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
The little things
I think we are all obsessed with grand gestures because those are the things that make us feel appreciated and know that we are loved. I think it's the little things that matter especially when recovering. He told me once that is was the little things that mattered and it is true. You don't need to get someone an amazing present to let them know that you care for them because a single rose can say more.
Yes, I received a rose today because I told a friend that they make me happy and she got me one. It was a red rose, which is my favorite. It still makes me feel warm that someone thought enough to get me something so little that makes my day better. I actually started to smile and feel like the real me again.
I started to get my charisma back last night as I met some new people and finally started to network. I felt like an adult instead of a lost little girl. I can still charm people even though I am a little weird. I may have a little bit of hope that I will get better. Realizing this is a little thing that fills my heart with joy.
Even something as simple as telling someone that you're proud of them for all the work that they have done is such a smile inducer and that can bring a person a small amount of happiness in a sea of darkness. Yes, it was my therapist that said it, but it still counts. It really is the little things that count more than the grand gestures.
Though I do miss him terribly, once I heal I may see how he is because the little amount of hope means that things might be able to be fixed and that we might have a healthy relationship. That just may need to be handled with a piece of chocolate.
As I am big into movies I will end with a quote from the Hobbit on this theme because we know that if Gandalf says it, it must be true.
"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love."
Remember the little things because they are what counts. :)
Yes, I received a rose today because I told a friend that they make me happy and she got me one. It was a red rose, which is my favorite. It still makes me feel warm that someone thought enough to get me something so little that makes my day better. I actually started to smile and feel like the real me again.
I started to get my charisma back last night as I met some new people and finally started to network. I felt like an adult instead of a lost little girl. I can still charm people even though I am a little weird. I may have a little bit of hope that I will get better. Realizing this is a little thing that fills my heart with joy.
Even something as simple as telling someone that you're proud of them for all the work that they have done is such a smile inducer and that can bring a person a small amount of happiness in a sea of darkness. Yes, it was my therapist that said it, but it still counts. It really is the little things that count more than the grand gestures.
Though I do miss him terribly, once I heal I may see how he is because the little amount of hope means that things might be able to be fixed and that we might have a healthy relationship. That just may need to be handled with a piece of chocolate.
As I am big into movies I will end with a quote from the Hobbit on this theme because we know that if Gandalf says it, it must be true.
"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love."
Remember the little things because they are what counts. :)
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