Unsure

I'm unsure how I feel today.  It was a crazy day at work and things still feel a bit unreal.  I also still feel incredibly alone and that turns into just a big ball of confusion in the pit of my stomach.  It's an uncomfortable mix of feelings that I used to cut in order to deal with them or make them go away.  It seems like everyday is up and down.

It is said that a person goes through many emotions in one day and today that was definitely true.  I got yelled at by a paranoid woman at work because I asked for her ID.  She was not happy with this at all and I had to go through 20 minutes of why I needed it.  After the transaction was done, I just went into the break room to calm down.  I have an anxiety disorder and this started to shoot it right up.  The medication stops me from going into a panic attack, but it doesn't stop me from feeling anxiety.  I called my sponsor, who didn't answer and then continued to walk and breathe.  When I calmed down, I went back out to my station.

I also miss him.  He doesn't talk to me everyday anymore and he's distant.  I look over at a co-worker's station and he and she are e-mailing back and forth like we used to do.  It's about silly things of no consequence and that's what I miss.  We both went down and things got ruined.  Now I have no chance of career advancement.  At least not in the field that I would like to go into if I stay in banking. 

I also have so much hate that it's driving me to have crying spells.  I hate that I never got to make the choice as the choice was forced on me.  I hate that I lost him.  I hate my depression and my addiction and yet part of me needs them.  I hate that things are moving so fast.  I hate that I can't be me. 

I feel like I have to conform to some soulless ideal that is never going to be me.  I am sarcastic, charismatic and amazing.  Those characteristics seem to be stifled.  I'm living in the dark, but I'm aching to be free.

I don't really know what love is, but if what I'm feeling is love, then I love you.  Even if I do not know you, I love you with all the love that my tiny broken heart can muster.  I have been touched by madness and am unsure if I will ever truly be free of it.