Profound realization.

The other day I came to a profound realization and that is that my depression was never preventable.  I would use other things to make me feel good like the travel or shopping and cutting.  I need the newness to flood my brains with the neurotransmitters that I was lacking.  There was no cognitive way for me to fully escape my illness because my body doesn't work right.

I took a genetics test to figure out what medications to be on and it turns out that I do not process folic acid correctly.  I am missing an enzyme the breaks down folic acid at the 5th process to L-methylfolate, which is the only one that crosses the blood brain barrier that helps create the good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine.  Therefore, I need other things to help balance out the lack of those things.

I think that's why I always get attached to the wrong people.  I need the up from being around them and talking to them, but even that wears out after a while and then I am trying to chase the high.  Shopping is my new vice, but it's not in an overarching way as I try to spend my time writing and doing chores, but I can never seem to keep things clean.

He told me once that he controls his illness by keeping watch for warning signs and then counteracting them.  I don't think anyone can really control their illness as emotions aren't logical.  When your brain chemicals are out of balance then you really can't control your emotions.  There was no way for me to stop my descent.  I think people that say their illness is controlled are just lying to themselves.  Conditions can be managed, but not controlled.

I do realize this and have a management plan in place so that my illness is not in control of me.  I am me, not depression.