Rushing Things

The process of getting better really is a slow one and that is the most frustrating part.  I have an army of helpers/caregivers/friends that are helping me and yet I'm extremely frustrated and frustrating.  I am frustrated with the fact that I'm not 100% back to me in 4 weeks.  I think that in turn frustrates everyone else.

I have improved form where I was in February.  I have stopped cutting (today is day 70).  I have regained some confidence, lost weight and can identify my distorted thinking.  My concentration has improved though if I get stressed it goes in 3 seconds.  I have lost weight and exercise everyday.  I have regained my sense of humor and my charisma.  I still get frustrated with the fact that mornings are difficult and I have no energy to do any projects like those on my list.

There are things that I'm doing to combat the frustration like writing this blog.  I also talk to my friends to keep communication open.  I cook once a week to give me a sense of accomplishment.  I also have fun trying new foods.  Today I had veal that I hadn't had in a long time and it actually gave me a feeling of joy.  Food can be an amazingly comforting thing when one feels lost.

I do get frustrated with my job because I feel like I should be moving forward, though that just may be my impatience and my sense that I am stuck.  I am not patient at all and that is causing some of my frustration.

I am trying to rush things because I want to fix relationships and move ahead, but I keep trying not to feel the way I feel and not to deal with it.  I keep trying to skip the step of fixing me.  I don't know whether it's because I have to fix my self-esteem which is a mix of Tony Stark and Ophelia.  That makes it complicated because I think I'm awesome, but don't care if I die tomorrow.  It's a mess.

I think I need to focus on me and fixing me before I can move forward.  I just have to keep thinking of one more miracle.