Unpredictability

The most difficult part about recovery is the unpredictability of it.  There is a myth that once one is on medication and is in therapy that the person will be stable and will no longer have bad days.  That's not how it works, folks.  I have good days like yesterday and then I have bad days like today.

I know that friends want to support me, but disappointment and heartbreak have no support or solution but time.  I was disappointed that I didn't get to go out tonight because it would have been a welcome distraction.  I am suffering the heartbreak of missing him, which is ongoing.  He technically isn't gone, but to not get into a row with others I won't get into it.  The biggest blow was hearing the realtor say that everything has to be put in storage in order to sell the house.  The worst part is that my mother had the realtor explain this to me as if I was a child.

Normally, I wouldn't mind this news, but everything is happening too fast.  Eventually I will be homeless or at the mercy of friends because at the moment rent is too high for me to afford with student loans.  I feel like I haven't had time to recover from everything and that I am burning out, which is why I now sleep all the time. I just feel like the depression is winning today.

I have cried and slept and even mustered up the energy to sort through one pile of stuff.  It's just too much of a task to accomplish.  I started small, but sometimes I just can only do a small amount of work.  I am doing my best, but that isn't good enough for the time frame that I have.

I am trying to fight, but I need time to rest.  Today I felt fat, ugly and dumb.  That makes it impossible to accomplish anything of merit.  My main triggers are still looming large.  There is very little I can do to combat them aside from run, but then I realize that I have nowhere to go.

I wish that this could be happy but recovery is unpredictable and there will be bad days.  I am still going to keep going.  My heart is broken.  I miss him.  I miss the good version of me.  I miss being able to get up in the morning.  I miss London.  I want stability again.