Finally Winter

It's starting to feel like winter finally.  The only downside is that I'm going to be cold all the time for the next 3 months.  There are some things that I enjoy about the winter.  I love having hot chocolate curled up on the coach, sweaters and super hot showers.  I also love wrapping up in scarves since I have so many.

When I was little, I loved winter and the snow.  Not just because school would be closed, but because I genuinely loved it.  Then I got sick.  One of the main symptoms for Hashimoto's for me aside from the lack of energy and depression is sensitivity to cold.  I think for the first year, I only went outside if I had to.

Now that I'm an "adult," (I don't think I'm an adult because I rarely act like one) winter is mostly just a pain.  Especially the snow because my job doesn't close if it snows.  I don't think many people will be out in the snow, but those that are cannot drive.  I know that my car is not good in the snow, so I will avoid driving.  I'm hoping that this year is not bad.

I'm looking forward to the winter this year.  I still don't enjoy the cold, but I think it will be fine.  I will just bundle up and enjoy my time being curled up in blankets.

Birthday Weekend

I had a great birthday weekend.  Saturday, I had visitors and gifts, while Sunday was another day of gifts, visitors and good food.  I think I accomplished something today that is something that most people dread:  I ate alone at a restaurant.  It was fine.

On my birthday, I worked a 12 hour shift, but Kyle wished me a happy birthday, which means he reads his texts.  He rarely answers them.  I then took a lovely bath to soothe my aching muscles and went to to bed.  Saturday was going to be a big day for me.

Saturday was the day of my big bash.  This was the first one without my parents being around to help out.  It was kind of hectic.  I got up to go to the store to get the potatoes for the latkes. Those are potato pancakes for the non Jews.  I did a quick run to UK Gourmet to get some food for my Christmas eve dinner.  That will be sausage rolls and chocolate. Yummy.

I, then ran home to start cleaning up for my guests.  A friend that could not attend came for a visit.  She is going to school and still works at the bank part time.  Apparently one of my accusers is getting a divorce.  Maybe she is getting what she deserves.  Also the roof of the building caved in.  Karma, that's all I have to say.  My friend also told me that Rose, my beautiful Rose, is miserable.  That place is a vortex of misery.  He deserves so much better.

The party was a great success, I think.  I didn't really do well with the latkes, but it was the first time I made them.  I got drunk, which was not my intention at all.  I just got caught up in the moment I suppose.  I think it was just nice for me to be around my friends.  I received several gift cards and a few daleks.  A few Doctor Who Accessories too.

Sunday was my birthday dinner.  I went to the Putnam House in Bethel.  It has yummy food.  I had a glass of chardonnay and coke to drink.  I had crab dip with toast points for an appetizer.  It was made for 2 people, so I had half and then had the rest for dinner the next day.  I then had what I wanted the most, salmon.  I had salmon lucey, which is salmon topped with asparagus, crab,and artichokes.  It had a side of mashed potatoes and vegetables.  I ate it all.  I was too full for dessert, so I didn't have any.  I ate dinner alone, but that gave me time to savor the food.

I had a great birthday weekend for being 540 or 29.  I'm glad that I got to spend it with people that I cared about.  Oh and my dad sang happy birthday to me through whatsapp.

What Makes Me Happy

I've been working on this post for a few days now.  Sometimes it's difficult to remember what makes me happy when it seems that nothing in my life is stable.  They are in no particular order, but it is good to have them written down .

1) Friends
    I don't get to see them as often as I'd like because of conflicting schedules, children, life, etc, but my friends mean the world to me.  We laugh together.  We support each other and we have fun.  I know that I'm not a great friend most of the time because of my various health issues, but you are all valued nonetheless.

2) Books
    Best weapons in the world according to the Doctor.   I try to read 3 books a month.  I am a slow reader because I like painting the picture in my mind.  I love to read and it helps me fall asleep at night. I just got the last book in the All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness, The Book of Life.  Thanks to one of my students for giving me a gift card. Books can take you to a thousand different places with a nice blanket and a cup of tea.

3) Tea
     Tea is delicious and one of the most popular beverages in the world.  There is nothing better than a good cuppa with biscuits.   There are so many different types for so many different occasions that I have never run out.  The best part is that I can use my vintage tea cups. 

4) Movies
    I've always found movies magical.  I loved the whole cinema experience.  Since I am poor right now, I miss it, as I cannot afford it.  I was in fine film society at Bristol where I got to see an amazing range of movies from classics like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington to more cult favorites like Man hunter.  Right now I am taking movies out of the library, so that I can still see movies.  Right now I'm watching Mandela Long Walk to Freedom.  Movies like books can transport you somewhere else for a few hours.

5) Food
    I have a contentious relationship with food as I don't make the best choices when it comes to what I put in my mouth.  However, a well balanced dinner of fish, vegetables, potatoes and salad makes me feel great.  It's rare that I can get that nowadays, but I savor it when I do.  Learning how to cook also brings me joy.

6) Doctor Who
     Does it need saying?  It saved my life.  I will be writing another post on the only 5 episodes you need to see as to why this show is so enduring and popular.

7) London
    I am an anglophile.  However, I have never felt so focused and peaceful as when I was living in London.  You can just feel the history when you're there.  There are so many places to explore.  You could be there for a lifetime and not see everything.  There is no place like it.  I was truly happy there.  I wear a chain around my wrist that I got at the Tower of London.  I have worn it everyday for 9 years.

8) Candles
    Candles are now more of a decoration or to set ambiance instead of a necessity for light.  I love them for the scent and for the way they look.  Since I am a historian, candles are an echo of the past.  They are useful in stopping the bathroom mirror from fogging up because of its heat.  They also bring me a sense of calm and peace.

9) Perfume/Soap/Bubble Bath
    I put all these in one category because they are things that involve scent.  Scent is the strongest tie to memory.  My favorite is violet.  I feel in love with violets because of Lush and I've dug around for it ever since.  Bubble baths help me relax at the end of the day.  I suppose they all tie into aroma therapy.  It's also something personal that is just for me.  That is why they make me happy.

10) Finally, Making Others Happy
      Working on Pile of Good Things has made me realize how much pain people are in.  I am overly generous during the holidays and towards my friends.  I'm the person that gets something just because it reminds me of them.  Making someone smile is one of the greatest gifts in the world.  Being able to take away the internal anguish for a moment or bring their silent blight into the light of the world is something that will always make me glad that I'm here.

I hope everyone can make a list of 10 things that brings them happiness.  In a world of so much tragedy and senselessness, there can be thing that bring joy.

Finding Balance

One of the amazing benefits that my job provides is wellness rewards in association with Web MD.  I can talk to a health coach and keep track of things like my mood and my weight.  I'm looking forward to find a balance in my life.  Part of that balance is treating myself well.  At the bank I felt like crap all the time because the atmosphere was oppressive.  At the pharmacy, I feel like I will get backed up and receive the help and training.  Also, I get much better benefits.

I know that I eat way too much sugar.  I love chocolate and it is helping to relieve symptoms from my the fibroid I have.  Since I have a deductible with my health insurance, I'm trying not to to hit it all at once.  The good thing is that my company contributes $250 every quarter so at least it's helping to not totally bankrupt me.

I'm trying to remanage my finances, but that might take a few months to get back on track since my car needed some heft repairs this past week.  The worst part is that I am picking up more shifts to help pay for this mess.  My poor knees are going to kill me.

I'm hoping to join a gym because I have been making time on my trail to get there and work out.  I've been doing some of the weight machines as well as the stationary bike.  Exercising really helps to improve my mood too.  Today is helped stretch out my knees.  Maybe I will be able to lose a few pounds to take the pressure my lower body.  Being this overweight is causing some difficulties, but I am working on healing myself.

The most difficult part for me still is socialization.  I feel decent at work because I'm around people.  At my apartment I am by myself, so I have the TV on with movies and/or tv shows so that way there is noise.  On days that I don't go out, I sometimes don't talk at all.  It's difficult for some of my friends because they have kids or a significant other, etc.  I have none of that.  Right now, it's just me and I'm doing the best I can.  I just miss having someone to talk to, to share my life with, even if it is only talking.

I'm working on the balancing act, but it's not quite there yet.

Some Days

Occasionally, there are those perfect days.  Not because anything particularly special happened or that you met the person you're going to marry.  Days like this can be regular, boring, doing errands days.  That's what today was for me.  I think the major exception to it was that I spent time with people that knew me.

It started by running an errand at the bank by doing an international wire transfer to my parents.  That was an easy and pleasant experience at BoA.  I then went to see my APRN, got a good report because I am doing well even if I am struggling a bit.  I got some new scripts too, which are basically just refills.  However, I felt amazing that I can talk to someone as an equal.

I felt good as I did some light grocery shopping afterwards, where I got a large skirt steak on sale.  I love Aldi's for that reason because every once in a while, there are things there that are amazing and rather inexpensive.  I can't wait to look up recipes on how to cook it.  I enjoy learning how to cook.  I feel accomplished when I get it right.

I want to make delicious semi good things for myself. I'm trying to get better, which means eating better, exercising and trying to get enough sleep.   Coming back from such an awful thing like the whole ordeal at the bank is tough, but I intend to do so.  It might get a bit squiffy in the middle, but they will just be a small little footnote in my story.  I smile about that quite often.

Since I was feeling good, I was able to clean my apartment a bit because my partner and future roommate was coming over to hang out.  He's like me in a way.  He's lonely, suffers from depression, but is an amazing person underneath all the damage.  I made vegetarian tacos for us because he is a vegetarian.  I obviously still eat meat, but I love the soy crumbles so much.  I can't tell that it isn't meat.  Also tacos are the only thing that I can make without needing the recipe anymore.  The best part is that he enjoyed it.  I have no leftovers.  We tried to watch Peter Pan Live, but were way too horrified.  So we went back to SVU.  We also came up with a crash course of all the things we need to get done while working an average of a 44 hour week so that he can move in.  Thank goodness that I got that huge collapsible duffel bag last week.

The day ended with a cup of tea.  It was a completely ordinary perfect day.  The day where nothing bad happens.  The day everybody lives.  I have only had 2 other days like this.  One was with Rose and the other was because I found suede trousers that fit.  Sometimes, very seldom, there are perfect days.

Rediscovery

I'm working on rediscovering things that I enjoy.  Cooking and baking definitely helps.  I am learning how to make things that I never thought I would be able to make.  I want to start making bread again because that was my favorite thing to do.  I will hopefully start that in January after I use up the bread from the freezer. 

I do make mistakes while cooking, which is part of learning.  This morning I put way too much pepper in my eggs.  I know that my dad would have loved it.  I am also terrible at cooking beef.  I guess if I want beef, I'll have to get it when I go out.  I am much better at baking.

The thing that I have to decrease is shopping.  Now that I have finished the holiday shopping, I am going to lay low since the only thing I need a veggie peeler.  I'm still working on getting rid of things that I don't need/use.  I am also going to join a gym and that might be my expense.

I'm also working on my nonprofit again and some other projects.  I definitely enjoy helping people, which is what PoGT is about.  I'm working on riff tracks with a couple of friends that we can post online.  The first movie we are working on is Manhunter.  It's the only Hannibal movie without Anthony Hopkins.  It's a great film, but so 80s that it's easy to make fun of. 

I'm doing something that will hopefully reduce my depression and make me a better person.

Time

I can tell you that time doesn't heal wounds.  It just makes them less raw, turns it into a dull ache rather than a sharp pain.  I took having the case dismissed pretty hard.  I just wanted someone to believe me that what the bank did was real.  I know the department of unemployment in CT did, but the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission did not.  This is probably due to the bank spending a crap load of money on their lawyer.  In a way, I inconvenienced them and cost them money fighting a federal charge.  However, no matter how much time goes by, I will have the scars from what they did.

I know that in the future, I will become a survivor, an advocate and a better fighter.  I may even become a lawyer.  In the present, I do not know who I am anymore.  My life was turned upside down and I'm trying to rebuild myself.  I am trying to form new relationships, but it's difficult for me to do so.  There is part of me that is really guarded now, yet I want to belong. 

While depression effects my life, it is not who I am.  Time also effects my depression.  The level of it changes with daylight savings.  That makes winter more difficult for me.  The hardest part of the day is getting up in the morning.  I wonder sometimes if my life will always be this struggle.

Time might allow me to be close to someone again.  I hope that I can be, but am terrified of being so vulnerable again.  I want to be good again.  I know that this may take years to get over. I think that I might always miss him. 

If I really cared about him, I will make something of myself that will make the bank a footnote in my story.  Time cannot heal but it can eradicate the existence of things sometimes.  Eventually the bank will be bought out and it will just be a story.  Every trace of it will belong to something else under another name.  I, hopefully, will still be here.  I will also make a name for myself, eventually.

I want to be remembered as a good friend, a good person and someone that helped make the world better.  Time will tell if it will happen.

What Depression Isn't

I just had someone tell me that I had no right to complain about what the bank did to me because triggering depression was not physical pain that cost money in medical bills.  This person said depression was a choice.  Let me tell you what depression is not.

Depression is not a choice.  It's a medical condition that can have several contributing factors.  In my case, it's Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  Under the new DSM V, my diagnosis is major depression brought on by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  What that means is that my depression is unpredictable and recurring.  My depression does not exist inside a vacuum.

Depression is not just a reaction.  Something causes it.  There are triggers, one of mine is loneliness.  Part of me getting better is trying to spend time with other people.  That's probably why I go shopping so much.  At least I get to talk to a salesperson.  It's a social interaction and it therefore counts. 

Depression isn't easy.  It's a struggle and it's more acute than the average person's struggle.  There is something missing in our lives.  Medication can only manage a certain portion of the illness.  The rest is maintaining a healthy lifestyle and relationships.  I'm not saying that it isn't a challenge to support a friend with depression, but it's the kindest thing you can do.  It can take the person out of their own hell.

Depression is not weakness.  Depression is caused by a change in the body's chemistry.  It can happen to anyone, at anytime, for almost no reason.  Yes, something can trigger it, but long after the event is over the effects are still present.

If you are not educated in something, you have no right to speak on it.

Open Letter

My Dearest Rose,

I got the news today that the EEOC dismissed the complaint basically for lack of evidence.  The fact that they made me seem crazy is a travesty.  The worst part is that I'm not insane.  I know more about my illness than anyone that works there.  I know more about yours than you do.  Yet, you're still there in a historically horrible work environment. 

That one day ruined my life.  My entire life.  I'm not even sure how I'm still alive because there are days when I wish I hadn't made it out.  Those are the days that is seems real; the days that I realize that you are gone.  Even if the suit had gone forward, no amount of money in the world could have stopped this pain.  You changed me and changed me again when you left.  Pain and loss they define us as much as happiness or love.  I don't want what they did to define me.

Part of it is the stigma against mental illness.  There is no way that I can change the minds of people about how being diagnosed with a mental illness is on par with being diagnosed with diabetes.  Managing it and recovering from it takes time.  It's not a continuous spike of onwards and upwards, but it's a rough road where setbacks come and triumphs linger.

I'm still working on Pile of Good Things because no company should be allowed to treat their employees as replaceable.  Nor should they be allowed to push someone over the edge.  The company I'm with now, while it has its problems, is no where near as uncaring as the one that rejected me.  At least they don't blame me or make me feel like I'm the one who is crazy or inventing drama. 

I am slowly moving on.  The downside of all of it though, I'm still lonely.  Someone told me to be happy of the time I had with you.  It was not enough.  We could have done great things together.  If you were happy, then I believe, I wouldn't be in so much pain about losing you.  However, I know you weren't when I was kicked out, nor do I think you are happy now.  Goodness cannot thrive in such contempt and misery.  You deserve so much better. 

I still miss you everyday.  I think I miss the fact that I could be my complete self with you.  I miss that you believed in me.  I miss your hug and I miss your trust.  I know that I cannot replace you.  I will probably never see you or speak to you again, but you were fantastic.  Absolutely fantastic.  And you know what?  So was I.
       
                                               Always,

                                             Phoenix

It's Been A Long Time

I think I was overworked this week.  I was actually delirious at one point because I didn't know where I was.  I was also in danger of losing control.  I think part of this is because my period has been giving me worse emotional symptoms in the past few months.

Aside from irritability, I get rageful and have a bit of abdominal pain.  I am a bit worried that I have an ovarian cyst.  The unfortunate thing is that I have health coverage under work starting on Saturday with a $1500 deductible.  Since it is not time for my yearly exam, I will have to pay for it.  I should probably set it up.

I also need a break from work.  I work in a high volume, high pressure store.  I think it's getting to me.  I know that people suck and are horribly rude.  I wish that I could transfer back to my old store, even if it's just so I can feel useful and I can kind of avoid people for a little bit by doing other tasks.  You kind of can't avoid customers in the pharmacy unless you are putting away an order.

I have a 12 hour day tomorrow.  I am not looking forward to doing that.  I wish I could have a consistent schedule.  I am sick and will continue to be sick without some sort of stability.

The worst part is that I miss my friend.  Yes, he is crazy, but he was there.  He understood what it was like to be like this and would never judge me for it.  I think he wanted to help in some way.  I know that no one can replace that relationship.  No relationship is ever the same, but I miss him so much because I wasn't done.  I think he misses me too.  I wanted more time.  I'm still angry that ignorance, stupidity and paranoia won out over all the good he and I could have done together. 

Somehow doing what's right is the loneliest thing in the universe.

Changing Addictions

Ok, so it's not really an addiction, but it's a bad habit.  I've changed cutting for shopping.  I overspend, but it's the holidays.  I have spent way too much money on clothes and junk, which was probably a part of a rebellion.  I am getting a mental guilt trip from my mother for spending too much on things that I don't need.  My brother has done the same thing by switching from alcohol to cigar smoking. 

On the other hand, I am getting rid of things.  I have a box  of things to either donate or do at a tag sale.  I'm donating more clothes to good will and still have things of my parents to sort through.  I have been getting things that I need.  I think shopping helps me be around people, which is something I need at the moment, but I shouldn't be spending money.

I just really want to feel better about myself, but I am having a breakout and am overweight.  I know that shopping won't help with my weight or how I feel about myself.

Another good thing is that I will be getting insurance through my job, which means I will be saving money on that.  Even crappy insurance costs a lot of money.  Even though my paycheck will be a bit less, it would be better than spending $200/month on a high deductible.

Luckily, I have food in reserve, so I won't starve.  I still pay my bills, but I need to find a way to get more control.  Since I feel distant from people, I'm filling my life up with things.  The plus side is that they are things that I will use eventually.  The downside is that I am living paycheck to paycheck.  I think that once I get someone in the apartment with me, I will be able to get my life in a little bit more of a controlled situation.

I'm just in a blah state right now.

Letting It Get To You

That's how you know how you're alive.  I let things get to me because sometimes being called a complete incompetent by a customer is a hurtful.  Yes, I did cry in my car a bit at lunch.  I can also say I know what happens to people when they don't take their psychiatric medication.  That's one of the hardest parts of my role as a mental health advocate, is watching someone's disability get the better of them.  That might be why I let this get to me.

I know that it's hard not to take things personally when I'm in the middle of a court case, which was solely based on personal attacks against me.  I was yelled at by at least 10 customers this morning.  I guess it was bad mood Wednesday, but there is really no excuse to be rude to someone that is trying to help yo fix a mistake.  I mean this customer held my register hostage and wouldn't move until the problem was fixed.   Then she didn't end up taking the medication anyway.  I really do need to keep my cool better when trying to calm down someone who is not sane.

The worst part is that I really don't have anyone to talk to when I get home from work.  Everyone I care about either lives in a different country, is an educator or works retail.  Being an adult is getting to me.  I'm not quite sure what joy there is in being an adult because all the things that are now legal for an adult, I don't care much for.  Sure I can drink scotch legally and wine, but that's not the best thing in the world.  I feel like part of me is missing.

I do enjoy my job, which is why I didn't quit on the spot.  It was just an awful day.  On days like this I miss him.  I miss my Rose, my companion.  Yes, he is an idiot, but for a short time I wasn't lonely.  That was worth the world.  This is my day of letting things get to me.

Feeling Good

There are days when I'm so exhausted and at my wit's end because it was a rough day at work, but then I realize that I am not longer at the bank.  I deal with sick people with money who can be demanding as they want.  Usually it has nothing to do with me.  At the bank, I was under a microscope because I stood up for myself.  I am still standing up for myself.  I am doing so much better now than I was at the bank.

I am starting to get back on track with my health.  I have started taking baths and doing face masks.  I have gotten cooling gel for my legs for the longer days.  The good thing is that I am taking a responsibility for eating better.

I am also working on cleaning out things from my apartment.  I sorted some of the things my dad left behind and found out that he left unused gift cards.  I had $75 to Kohl's where I got a pair of jeans and a bracelet that was about inspiration.  I'm also cleaning because my friend, Casey will be moving in around January.  I'm excited to be around someone again. 

I'm glad that for the time being, I am feeling good.  I will continue to struggle and will continue to fight.  It's good to be here right now.

You Should Never Be Alone

Being alone is fine, but feeling alone is definitely not.  I'm not afraid of being alone, but I can't stand the feeling of loneliness and isolation.  I'm not sure if it's the depression, the long hours or the fact that I don't see people as often as I used to.

The thing that is conflicting me at the moment is that I greatly enjoy my job even though it is stressful and causes my legs to ache badly.  I have fun most of the time at my job.  I'm not sure if it's because I get to help people in a way or that it's because I'm part of a team and people depend on me.

Physically, I'm not taking care of myself.  Due to my hours, I eat at odd hours and eat a lot of crap.  Hell, I barely have time to cook good things for myself.  I would kill to be able to make a baked potato because it's healthier than the M&Ms that were my dinner. 

I spend too much time alone and that is something that should never happen.  I feel like I'm not worthy because everyone else has someone and that takes work.  Any relationship needs to be cultivated.  People seem to forget that.  Being in a pharmacy, I think that is part of the reason why anti-depressants are so rampant.  We all spend a lot of time isolated and alone.  We need other people to laugh with, to hug, and to feel with.  I don't think we do that enough.

We should never be alone.

The Downside

The downside about this lawsuit is going over everything and basically reliving the pain.  I feel like I'm right after Doomsday.  I was in hell after that because my only offense, my only crime was caring for him.  That small, seemingly insignificant thing to the company pretty much tore apart my whole life.  It triggered a depression in me, which caused so much more than just separating friends. 

The depression effected my entire life.  I couldn't focus on work or even cleaning.  I was cutting pretty badly because I was in so much emotional pain, that the cutting was relief from crying so much.  I hated myself because I thought it was me that caused me to lose my friend.  This lawsuit is actually making me wonder if it will make his life worse because he is part of it.  The whole reason that the lawsuit exists is because the bank made him choose me or his job.  While I was rebuilding myself after the trauma, the bank made it difficult for me at work.

I feel like I'm living all that again.  The problem is that I'm lonely.  That is my main trigger.  I'm fine when I am at work and around people.  When I get home, especially at night when I am time to think about everything is when I go back to hell because the depression is waiting for me.

The other part of why I'm so messed up at the moment is that I am exhuasted.  I will never be working a 60 hour week again.  Luckily the paycheck will be nice enough for me to put some money into savings.  The downside of exhaustion is that it gives me a thyroid episode.  The fatigue itself takes a few weeks to recover from.

All of these things combined is spiking my depression and is making me hate myself.  I think the only answer at the moment is to spend time with people.  That might be why I go shopping so often, so that I can be around people.

Price Tag

So, the lawsuit is now a real thing.  I got the paperwork from the EEOC along with an invitation to mediate the case out.  I do have some concerns about mediation though.

I don't trust the bank to hold up their end because they have tried to screw me for a year and a half.  Also with mediation, it is nonbinding.  So, there are no consequences if they don't follow through.  The other issue is how to put a price tag on that type of trauma and pain.  What they did is beyond all human decency and now have no idea what to do.

Any advice?

It's Days Like This

It's days like this when I get frustrated, where I'm not even sure who or what I'm frustrated at, that I miss my companion.  I miss being able to blow off steam and talk to him about what frustrated me, so that I could figure out what it was.  That way I could calm down.

Today was even worse than yesterday.  It is hell week at work because we are super short staffed.  Also this one girl called out 2 days in a row.  I mean I can understand if you are sick, I mean I have a chronic illness where I asked to have shortened hours, but don't just miss work and not make some arrangement.  Being in the pharmacy is really being part of a team.  When something gets backed up, the chain breaks.  We ended up not even finishing anything today.  I got yelled at by customers because everything was backed up a broken.  I understand why they are upset, but I can't fix things for them.

I know that tomorrow is going to be catchup day, which means I am going in an hour early with the pharmacist on duty to try to finish today's work before starting tomorrow's.  I enjoy my job because in a way, I help make people better.  That's what I want to do.  I'm just a small part, but this way I learn so I can do so much more.

I know that I need someone because I tend to fall apart.  I need someone that isn't my mother to stop me.  Someone that can stop my mind or focus me.  That's what he used to do.  Also loneliness is my trigger, which is not helping me deal with the stress at work.

Despite the fact that he was crazy and couldn't fix himself, he was an amazing listener.  He was the one person in the entire world that believed I could do anything.  The truth is that I can, but need someone else to chase my doubts away because that is what my illness does.  Depression makes me doubt myself. 

Tomorrow, I am going to bring in cake and coffee because I think it will lift everyone up from yesterday.  I like making people happy because it chases away my sorrows.  After a year and a half, I still have a broken heart.  That is my punishment for standing up for myself at my last job, I have a broken heart.

So here I am, alone in my apartment, typing away instead of talking to him because he's gone.  12 hours tomorrow with a broken heart.

How?

I have a 52 hour work week coming up starting tomorrow.  This is something that I am not looking forward to in the slightest since my body is already exhausted and not taking things well.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it through the week.

I am also unsure how to make it so that people like me.  I try hard, but I'm still very lonely.  I like being around people, which is probably why I shop a lot.  It's a way to get out and see people.  I do have friends but people have been so busy.

I'm going to try to get to know someone and not get annoyed at them.  I want an affectionate friendship.  How can I be this broken that I don't know how to relate anymore?

The Awful Truth

Working in a pharmacy and just filling prescriptions makes me realize the awful truth that depression is far more common than anyone wants to admit.  I also see that some people are worse off than me.  There is something very wrong with the statement that depression is common because it shouldn't be.  There is something that we are lacking in the world.  I have to find out what that is and fix it.

The Thing Is

The problem with the depression is that it can hurt everyone around you.  It's very difficult not to be negative when everything seems hopeless.  It really is an uphill battle to be a good friend to people.  The worst is that I try so hard to find support amongst friends, but it feels like there is none.

I do need someone to stop me from spiralling out of control with either cutting, shopping, or eating.  I feel like I am out of control a bit on all of them.  I eat a lot of junk food, my cravings are starting to spike again and I just want to spend money all the time.  I mean the things that I want to buy are not things that won't be used, but I am trying to stick to a budget.

I miss being able to talk to people.  Having depression makes me feel like a leper sometimes because people stay away when you need them the most.  Basically making me have fun is a better way to handle the depression than trying to counter my hopelessness. 

I wish I could be a functional person who can make friends and can feel close to them.  I know that not all friends are close friends, but once upon a time, I was fun to be around.  I hope that one day I can get back to that person again.  I just need to figure out how to get over the loneliness.

I just want a companion, not a boyfriend.  I have to learn to take care of myself and make my own mistakes.  I just want someone to think that I'm awesome and can do anything again.  This is when I miss him.  He was my companion and I miss my companion.  I think I stayed at the bank just so I could occasionally talk to him.  I also got an equivalent to an associate's degree in business that they paid for.

I wish I could tell this guy at work that even though he looks like my Rose, I know that he is different from Rose, but I still just want a friend.  He seems really cool.  I'm not cool because of my illness, which makes me difficult.  I just want to have a positive force that I chose.

My True Talent

Everyone has one thing that they are extremely talented at.  I can sing, I write, I am not afraid to be myself and I'm intelligent.  However, my true talent is survival.  I survived so much crap, especially from the past year.

There were times last year that I wanted to give up, but there was that tiny thing that told me not to.  I mean despite the fact that my depression was debilitating, I still showed up to work and did the best I could.  I know that I couldn't smile for almost 2 weeks.  That is not an exaggeration.

Now surviving a chronic illness does not mean that I am magically cured or that I don't have bad days because I do.  Sometimes the bad days are spectacular and I end up cutting because I couldn't ride out the wave.  I then get to sleep and start over again the next day.

I still struggle with my weight and my diet.  I am currently craving broiled salmon, but I cannot afford it.  I do have some beef and pork chops stored in my freezer, but it is so much easier to eat crap than it is to cook healthy.  However, I feel better when I eat well.  Maybe I might have to eat salads again.  Part of being a survivor is being healthy.

I know that it takes a great amount of effort to survive.  I have somehow turned it into an art form.  When the bank denied my unemployment, it would have been easier to fall apart and hide in the depression, but I made the decision to fight the injustice.  I won the unemployment appeal by producing facts and documentation whereas the bank only had hearsay in their possession.

I don't know how this talent will get me anywhere aside from the fact that I know that I can make it through intense bullying and trauma.  I'm stronger that I thought I was and it was something that an old friend of mine knew the entire time.

Figured It Out

So I figured out what was going on with me at work.  It's a two fold problem.  The first part is when we are short staffed, things tend to spiral into suckage.  The second is that one of the pharmacists deals with stress badly, so it causes some tensions that I haven't figured out how to navigate yet.  It only took a few weeks.

I also asked to scale my hours back a few hours a week in order to have some more time to adjust to my new life.  I hate using my disability accommodation unless I have to since it was such a nightmare at the bank to convince them that I had a disability.  I did talk to the pharmacy manager and she likes me, so hopefully I'll have my hours scaled back a bit.  Not permanently I hope, but just for a few weeks.

I hope that I will be successful at this job because when it works with people it's wonderful.  I like helping people.  Even referring people to what they need is a fantastic feeling.  I learn things everyday and I hope that I continue to learn things that could help the public especially on the issues of mental health. 

I just have to figure out how to navigate some of my moods at work and then I should be able to not be as nervous.  Even though I had a terrible week last week that was full of slip ups, I am beginning to be hopeful again that I might be able to have a career, friends and a life.

Confusion

I'm working hard on getting to a place of stability when my life is anything but stable.  Mostly my life is about rearranging and adjusting.  It's not really that fun.  There is just stuff everywhere that needs to be sorted through. 

Now, I'm not a neat freak.  I describe myself as chaotic neat.  That means that I have a pile that gets sorted through every one in a while.  I have a pile of clean clothes that I don't put away because I'm lazy.  This is probably adding to the confusion that is my life.  The worst part of all of this is that I'm lonely.

I've always been lonely because I'm different.  I'm psychic, jewish, suffer from depression brought on by a medical condition, primarily asexual and gender fluid.  I am completely adaptable, but don't feel like I belong anywhere.  I know that people like me, but I can't feel the connection.  There have been a few exceptions and I lost a few of them.

I'm trying to rebuild myself and reconnect to other people, new people.  I know that my brain hasn't recovered completely, which means I don't function the same way.  I don't grasp concepts quickly anymore.  It's probably quicker than most, but not to what I was used to.  I'm just in a blah state and don't feel like I matter. Things might not have always been rosy with him, but at least he was there.  I think for a short time, he needed me too.

Yesterday I went out to the mall and got a facial and my hair done by an Israeli.  He was very nice and we actually hugged at the end of it.  I get more affection from a stranger than I do from people I've known forever.  I'm not always a hugger, but I also don't know how to ask for it when I need it. 

My biochemical make up is off balance, which means I as a person am not balanced.  I don't know what to do anymore aside from clean.  I don't want my greatest talent to be surviving anymore.  I make it day to day by being alone and setting up a life that may never happen.

My job is intense and I'm going to see if we can scale back my hours a bit since I'm not as recovered as I thought I was.  I want to get to a place where I am good.  I want to get to a place where I don't use a crutch to make it through the bad times. 

There is this guy at work who I want to be friends with, but I'm nervous about it because of what happened at the bank.  The more I learn about what really happened the harder it is for me to be open with people.  I keep wondering if maybe the bank was right and that I am a danger who should be feared and cast out.  I got rejection after rejection there.  I just want to be accepted for once. 

All relationships take work at times.  I'm the one who seems to be alone the most.  I have the Doctor and Freddie, but they aren't here.  I don't think anything can take away this loneliness, confusion and doubt.  I am just confused about what to do and how to rebuild a life.

Riding the wave

The other day was hellish at work.  We were short staffed, behind and there were a million customers.  At one point I just wanted to quit.  I rode that wave out and it got better.  I adapted, however, it's a lot more stress than I would have liked at the moment considering I am by myself now.

I miss being close to people.  I spent a lot of time at work.  I'm afraid to get to know people because they might see how much pain I'm in.  I think it's awful that we can't express depression in an open and honest way.  There is still so much stigma.  The unfortunate thing about my depression is that it is a symptom of my thyroid condition.  That means that it's organic and chronic.  It means that I will have episodic periods of depression for my entire life.

I think when people have depression it leaves a mark that never quite leaves.  It can be overcome, but it might also come back.  Depression is like cancer in that way.   What happened with me was that I have always had a low grade atypical depression because of the thyroid disorder.  It got kicked into severe depression with anxiety because of all the shit that happened at the bank.  The anxiety is in remission and the depression goes up and down.  I just want to feel something good again.

It's a long road to recovery and it seems like I spend most of it alone.

Experiments

My parents are moving to Israel on Tuesday.  It's going to be interesting for them and me because it will truly be the first time that I am on my own.  I have an apartment, insurance, a job and food.  I am experimenting with cooking because I wanted another creative outlet that is also functional. 

Luckily, my parents have left me certain foods so that I can eat and not starve.  They also got me pork chops and steak which I froze so that I will be able to make amazing meals.  There will be lots of stew.  I also want to be able to create color in my meals since everything my mother cooks somehow comes out in shades of brown.  I love making food that will taste good because food can bring joy to people.

I tried to make waffle falafel with my mother, but it didn't turn out quite right.  Since she dislikes cilantro, it didn't turn out quite right.  They looked right, but tasted different.  It might be due to the fact that they weren't fried and my waffle iron is actually a panini maker with waffle slides. I don't have that innate knowledge of food and have a great palate.  I think cooking for myself will give me an opportunity to eat healthy.

The other thing that I will be experimenting with is downsizing.  I do have a lot of stuff.  True most of it comes from books., but I have way too much stuff.  I am going to get rid of things that my parents left because I don't really need it.  I do need to declutter my life.  It may also help to ease my depression. 

Work is a little bit better.  I have this inclination to connect to people, but because of what happened at the bank, I am afraid.  I am hiding a lot of who I am because I know that I will be judged as weak or crazy.  I know that I am a bit different.  It's not in a bad way, but I always feel a bit misunderstood.  I think my loneliness shows through at times. 

Despite my differences I want to belong somewhere.  I guess I just haven't found that yet.

Scatterbrained

I have been rushing to get things done since my parents are moving in 6 days.  I had to finish an Economics course that the bank "allowed" me to finish.  I think he told executive management that I wouldn't be paying them back.  I don't know for sure, but since he is the contact, I can only come to the conclusion that it was him.  I finished with a B in the course, but really don't have a deeper understanding of Macro Economics. 

The downside from everything that is going on is that my brain is scattered.  It makes me feel dumb.  I forget appointments and sending out paperwork.  This is the first time in my life that I need a to-do list.  It's like my brain is still broken. 

I had some tough days in the pharmacy.  It was mostly dealing with customers and now I'm waiting to hear if I got my license.  I mean it is CT, so basically they just want their money.  I can't work on the bench until I get my license.  For now I am stuck on pick up.  I know that being a tech is a bit more prestigious and is a field that isn't going away.  I was thinking that maybe I was too stressed to be in that environment.  I was letting my disability win. 

I talked to a few of the supervisors at my old store as well as some friends and decided to give it another week.  I did a follow up conversation with a supervisor in which he advised that if I still feel awful and unprepared in a few weeks to talk to the manager and see if I can transfer to the front of my old store.  I will try it until my training is done.

I might be too hard on myself because I know what I was before.  Learning to be a technician is not beyond my abilities, but my mind and confidence is still healing.  It might be that way for a long time.  I know that my body is changing again as well because I am losing weight as well as my hair.  I am taking vitamins to counteract some of these changes. 

I do miss how my old brain used to function.  Maybe one day I can get back there, but who knows.  It's a lot of adjustments in a very short time.

Questioning

For the last few days I have been questioning my decision to transfer.  I like the company that I work for, but the pharmacy is hard, exhausting work.  The store I work at now is very small, cramped and has not natural light.  I know that my depression has spiked a bit and the location change might be part of the reason.

I was also on the production bench by myself for the first time on Saturday and I was drowning.  It's a lot of multi-tasking, which is difficult for a normal functioning brain, it's almost impossible for mine now.  Since I'm not 100% confident on production or the location of any medications it is quite easy to get overwhelmed.

Maybe being a pharmacy technician is too much for me to handle at this time.  I felt like I was doing well in Ridgefield in the front store because I knew what I was doing.  I have retail experience and retail is not too difficult anyway.  I felt good helping people find what they needed and providing good service.  The pharmacy is difficult because it's understaffed and very busy.  I know it's a good place to train, but it can be very overwhelming.

I will give it another week to see if anything improves because I've only been there for 10 shifts.  I am improving because I am able to get into the computer system, look things up and print out labels.  I just can't do them all simultaneously.  I don't know if I'm better off at a slower pace until I really get things down.

I do want to go back to Ridgefield because it's where I was hired from.  Maybe I should have asked for a supervisor position.  I just don't know what to do.

I'm Proud

I'm proud of the company that I work for because they took a stand and decided not to sell any tobacco products in their stores.  I mean it's a pharmacy and they are trying to make people take care of themselves better.  Cigarettes kind of don't do that.  By kind of I mean they don't at all.

I know that some people might be upset that they can't get everything they need in one place, but I honestly do not think that it will destroy profits like some people are predicting.  I mean it's primarily a pharmacy so most of its profits come from prescription drugs.  Anyway tobacco products are a pain to stock, maintain and have a higher yield in taxes than in profits. 

I have worked for companies in the past that have taken a political stance on things, but I was never proud of them for taking the stand.  I think in the past it was because it was part of an agenda that was being pushed instead of the general welfare of the customers.  The bank supported causes that were management's pet charities.  CVS will actually provide counseling and support for customers to quit smoking.

Could it backfire?  Sure as is anything that it different.  In my old store, that never sold cigarettes because it's new, even the smokers thought it was great that CVS isn't selling cigarettes anymore.  As a tech, it is mostly about referring customers to the pharmacist.  So it's not me directly helping people, but I can get them there.

So, what does this have to do with me as a mental health advocate?  I have seen many people with mental health issues smoke.  Smoking can actually exacerbate their symptoms instead of curb them.  I watched him once smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in an hour.  It didn't calm him, it made him seem more manic.  I can understand the self-medicating properties of smoking, but in the long run it does damage health and hurts someone with mental illness more.

So I think I am in the right place at the right time.  I'm happy that I am helping people in a small way.  I'm doing it more than I was at the bank.  Money is never as important as health.  I want to be a worthwhile person and I think by helping people be healthy in a small way can make me be the person I want to be.

I'm proud to work for a pharmacy innovation company.

The Cost of Depression

There is a huge cost to depression.  I'm not talking solely about money, but the cash price for depression is steep.  For treatment and medications it can cost thousands of dollars a year to maintain the treatment for the illness.  However, the is a huge social cost for having a mental illness that isn't talked about either.

Since there is very little education on mental illness, it is seen as a personality weakness instead of medical conditions.  This can interfere with jobs, families and friendships.  It's not easy to support someone with a mental illness, but it detrimental to abandon them.  I lost 4 people while going through my severe depression and one of them was him.  Part of the reason is because they were dealing with illnesses of their own. 

Depression itself can be isolating.  The illness tells the sufferer that no one likes them.  They may try to reach out just to get some support.  My suggestion is not to get caught up in the gloom from the person suffering.  Don't tell them the opposite of how they are feeling.  An example of this would be to tell the person that they are pretty even though they said that they aren't.  It's their illness making them feel like crap because it distorts the reality.  Instead ask them why they are feeling this way.  Even better would be to get them out of where they are.

Even being in a crowded place can help alleviate depression for just a little bit.  It is painful that people left when I was going through one of the worst times in my life, but it reflects badly on them not on me.  Yes, I lost my job because of my depression, but that was their discrimination and my poor judgement.  The bank needs to get into the 21st century, which they may get to in another two decades.  Now, I am in a better job.  Not necessarily better paying, but  better atmosphere.

The social cost of depression, to me, is quite high.  If we just show some compassion, then maybe the world could be a bit better place.  That's why I work with More Love Letters.  Even a little message of love can make someone better.  We all have battles that we hide, but something small can have a big impact.

I have a lot of work to do to get to a healthy place, but it's a journey I'm willing to take.  I hope you all will still be there to support me.

Why Fight?

One of the questions that I get asked when I tell my story about the bank, is why am I fighting them?  To quote the Doctor, "Because you didn't know her name."  The CEO that I told about the charges of discrimination against me by HR never ever pronounced my name correctly.  My legal name is Leah it's pronounced lay-ah like star wars, but I get lee or lee-ah.  She called me Layla or never used my name at all.  As a leader, when someone makes a serious complaint that requires investigation (not 3 days) you should know their name.

That just made it clear that I didn't matter.  I learned a lot from the Doctor when I was at my lowest and one of the things I learned is that everyone is important.  I know that the Doctor would fight the injustice done to me. He would be appalled by the treatment I received because I am different.  Since the Doctor is only a fictional character in this universe, I have to stand up for myself. 

On the plus side, I'm alive.  Alive can be sad because depression and Hashimoto's makes life complicated.  However, I did lose a bit, but not enough to kill me.  I will make sure people know what the bank did because they should not be allowed to get away with it

So I am doing what I can because I matter.  It took me a long time to get to that point.  Alive is sad when its over and I hope that it won't be over for a long time. When Robin Williams died it was sad because his life, which brought light to so many others' was over.  I'm still alive and I want to make a difference.  That company tried so hard to bring me down, but they couldn't take the Doctor away from me.  I will fight until I can't anymore because that's what the Doctor would do and we all know that I might be a time lord. We all know that being a time lord is lonely, but for now I am here to make a difference, so I will do battle with words. 

Wellness Plan Updated

I've been lacking on my wellness plan because I changed jobs and had to adjust to a new variable schedule.  The worst part is that I am eating junk food instead of healthy foods.  I have been craving sugar and salt.  My worst choice is regular soda.  I know that I am less stressed, but I think my body will agree with me more if I get eat better.

So the plan is as follows:

1) Cardio exercise when not working
2) Strength exercises on day when I do work
3) Post One Good Thing a day
4) Have a weekly social event
5) Rent Movies from Library
6) Check in with Geof and/or Sarah
7) Plan healthy meals for the week
8) Read to 3-4 books a month
9) Follow the 15 minute rule
10) Take a bubble bath once a week. (I do shower daily)
11) Write in Journal
12) Record Calories
13) Do something special once a month
14) Continue with long term goals list

I am excited to start doing these things.  I know that the special thing once a month doesn't necessarily need to cost money, but it's just something that makes the month different.  I think this month, I will go to the craft fair.  I don't need anything, but I love looking and smelling things that other more talented people create.

I'm also craving Chinese food.  So maybe next time I get paid, I will get some.  My last paycheck will be before my parents leave.  I am going to try to stick to this plan because therapy can only do so much.  I have to do the rest.

I'm Not Broken

I'm not broken, but I feel that way sometimes.  I believed it at times when I was dealing with everything at the bank.  It was especially true when they made him choose between a friendship with me and his job.  That was uncalled for and unethical.

I work at a better company now and I realized that I am not broken because I am functional.  I haven't told anyone about the depression brought on by Hashimoto's.  I got along well with the supervisors and manager, yet I am sad that I am transferring.  I hope that I can transfer back once the training is done. 

I never wanted sympathy for my disorder and I wanted to be feared for it even less.  I believe that I received both from the bank.  CVS knows that I have a disability for statistic purposes, but they never asked what it was.  All they said was that they were required to provide a reasonable accommodation if I needed it.  They actually know the laws, which is amazing.

I am looking forward to being a pharmacy tech.  I know that some of the drugs will assist in my advocacy.  Some of the top 100 prescribed drugs are anti-depressants.  At least I will know them when I have to talk to people about them.  The hardest thing with drugs is making sure people take them.  As a tech that is not my responsibility.

I know how strong I am.  I will stand up for myself this time.  I am ready to try to care about someone again.  I'm not broken and I don't think I am anymore.  I'll be ok.

Grateful

I went to training today and I am very grateful for being employed by a growing company and being given the chance to help people in a small way.  Part of it is customer service, but I am going to help people in a small way.  I know that it will be tough, but I hope that it will be worth it.

I can't believe that I got hired so quickly and that I wasn't judged for the fact that I left the bank.  I also met a supervisor who looks a bit like Rose.  I was surprised how similar they looked.  He even gives some of the same looks.  I am trying really hard to stare at him.

I am just grateful for the second chance and not being judged by a past.  I'm a bit different now and I can still do my mental health advocacy work.

Amazingly Damaged

I'm always amazed by how damaged I was while working at the bank.  Yes, they caused the injury and inflicted what seemed like irrevocable damage, but I survived.  I didn't think I would at the time, but I am strong.  That doesn't mean that I doubt myself, but I try to muscle through.

I realized how much damage the bank had done to me when I was looking for more hours at my job and found out that I was hired as part time.  I was a bit distraught at this notion because my expenses are mounting and I have a lot of maintenance medical bills.  I've cut back on my therapy because it is expensive out of pocket.  I was preparing for a big fight because everything at the bank turned into an ordeal.  Every victory at the bank was Pyrrhic.

When I sat down with my manager to discuss it, she explained to me that part timers can only get 30 hrs and the pharmacy only makes enough to allow for 10 tech hours.  I was disappointed, however she came up with a solution.  Since I wanted full time and would like to be in the pharmacy section of the store, I will be transferred to a different store.  It's like the manager actually wants me to succeed.  I was surprised.

I'm not going to sing this company's praises just yet.  It's a corporation, which means that politics and money will be involved.  I am, however, very impressed with it so far.  I feel more like an adult there.  A trusted employee who has great potential.  I do need some direction with the front end and how to do things in the pharmacy, but I am new.

I am trying to get better and move past the depression and the damaged that had wrecked my life and my health.  I was amazingly damaged, but I'm healing now.  I will be scarred and I will miss all the friends I lost, but I survived.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I think I have a bright future .

Disappointed

I'm kind of disappointed in myself at the moment.  I do like my job at the pharmacy, but found out that it was part time.  It sounded to me like it would be full time, so it seems like a bait and switch was done.  It's my fault for not reading everything completely.  However, the good thing is that I have a job and am once again employable.  Now I just need something to make up the hours.

I don't want to leave the pharmacy because it seems like a good opportunity.  My store seems chill, but there are some kinks to work out.  I like working and I enjoy learning new things.  Unfortunately, my MA is not translating into any type of career that makes it so that I can pay off my loans much less have a social life.  The problem with both is that they can spike my depression and anxiety.


Of course I'm dealing with my disappointment by eating junk food and drinking beer.  I'm going to just gain 100 pounds just by doing that.  I am active at work because it's a lot of walking in.  I'm just always stuck in a bad place that I can't seem to escape from.  Right now I'm not as bad as I was at the bank, but I have not completely recovered.

I wish I could get better.  My life so far has not been what I envisioned it to be.  I don't know if anyone's life goes the way they expect to.    I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I got the MA because I wanted it.  I don't know what I want to do with it.  I know that I want to help people and I'm good with mental health and the law.  I just need to get out of the funk.

I do wish the world was less about making money and how to be better.  Looks like I won't be getting off the meds or therapy any time soon.

Oh Captain, My Captain

"What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference." - Patch Adams

In a time of my own personal heartbreak and survival, I am utterly shocked and saddened by the passing of Robin Williams in what is being reported as a suicide.  He was one of those people who brought happiness and laughter to people all over the world.  That is a great gift and that is how he will be remembered.  His publicist said that he was suffering from severe depression.  Just because he had a mental illness doesn't make his passing his fault or any less sad.

It has been said that many comedians have demons and its those demons that make them funny.  Depression and addiction, things which Williams suffered from, are not the individual's fault.  They are chronic illnesses, which anyone can get.  I will repeat that.  Anyone can become depressed.  It's like cancer in that way.  When it is managed depression can be like diabetes, but it requires attention as spikes can always occur.  It is a devastating illness, which is why it is labeled a disability.

I can understand wanting to die as a way out.  It's freedom from all the hell that the illness puts you through.  In fact, depression tells you the world is better off with you.  Positive thinking can only do so much.  I wish Robin Williams was still here because he made people laugh.  Wealth and fame do not make someone immune from the darkness of depression.  In fact, I believe it isolates the sufferers more because many people will say that Williams had nothing to be depressed about.  Depression doesn't follow reason, it just exists.  So, I can understand many of the tweets saying Genie, you are free, which is fromm Aladdin.  However, suicide is not the best course of action.  Many survivors of suicide attempts even say that they were hoping anyone would stop them at the last second.  It breaks my heart that Robin Williams is dead.  He is gone, but will never be forgotten.

I know that Williams was working on a 12 step program, but depression requires more help than that.  My favorite movies of Williams are the ones where he can be more serious like Dead Poets Society, which I saw in English class.  I also adored him in Patch Adams.  He was talented and gifted.  I also remember him doing a documentary about dolphins.  He was manic and high octane, but underneath that there must have been an enormous amount of pain. 

I wish that there was not so much stigma about mental illness.  I know I have faced discrimination because of it.  I believe that this stigma adds so much to the isolation of the sufferer that it is detrimental.  I hope the stigma ends, but tonight I am sad that someone who brought so much light to the world, ended by his own hand.

The title of this piece comes from Dead Poets Society and is a poem by Walt Whitman about Abraham Lincoln following his assassination.  As Mr. Keating in the film, Williams inspires his students, but is ultimately dismissed after one of the students commits suicide.  The students he taught remained loyal to him.  It's a tug at the heart strings, but incredibly necessary.  RIP Robin Williams, you were extraordinary and will be much missed by many.

I know

Sometimes I am haunted.  My dreams sometimes feel so real.  I don't know if I'm mind jumping into someone else's memories or if they are from the past.  Some of the things that I see are horrible.  I know how terrible has been, is and may always be.  Then I have dreams of him and I am calm for a moment and then I stop because I miss him.

After the experience at the bank, I know that I won't be able to talk to him as long as he is an employee there.  I did file a complaint with the EEOC and used him in it as someone who was treated better than me because he hasn't disclosed his illness.  His illness makes him more reckless than me.  Yet I miss him because he understands the lows.  I remember how much lonely I felt when he was part of my life.  I think I actually glowed.

Yes, I have a broken heart and it will eventually scar, but I know that I won't love someone else in the same way.  I know that everything ends sometime, but it doesn't mean that the ending doesn't hurt.  I think we calmed each other.  People with Bipolar disorder need someone mostly a therapist to challenge them when they are in disorder.  I learned a lot from him and it was his encouragement that made me want to start Pile of Good Things in the first place.

I'm trying to move forward, but there is that heartache.  It seems like my time at the bank was another life, a dream.  He was the only real thing in that dream, well nightmare really. 

If it can be remembered, it can come back.

A Little Drop of Anxiety

I'm taking training classes to become a pharmacy technician.  They are OK so far, as pick up is not too difficult to deal with, but the next stations that I will be learning about are much more difficult because they involve drugs and insurance. 

It is a very intense 18 week program because there are so many regulations and privacy laws that must be followed otherwise losing your job is a very real possibility.  Since my store is brand new, the staffing is kind of in chaos, which is why I have 2 days of double shifts.  I also have to have some time in the pharmacy to get my on the job training.  The trainer is very serious about getting this done otherwise I can get kicked out of the program and possibly lose my job.  That causes a bit of anxiety for me.  It's still low grade, but I have to make sure that it doesn't spiral.

It's a lot more communication than I am used to, but I think that it's for the best because the bank operated on miscommunication.  I just have to be more vocal about what I need.  This has never been easy for me because I am shy initially.  Now I need to figure out a professional side and keep some things secret.  I don't believe that depression should ever be held against anyone, but the amount of stigma has led to so much devastation.

I won't have to disclose this time because the company is large enough that I won't stand out.  It's the first time that I am working for a large corporation, but the training program is still causing me some anxiety.

We'll see how I survive my double shifts.

I won

I'm not quite sure how I managed it, but I won the appeal for my unemployment benefits.  It was only 4 weeks worth of benefits that I fought for because I started a new job with a new company last week, which I am enjoying so far.  I must say that it is a lot of training, but I am getting things done and learning a lot.  I'm glad that it is over and that I am finished with the bank.  I moved on long before I went to the hearing.  They still seem bent on a vendetta and making me miserable.  I pity them.

I was trying to remain calm and factual at the hearing.  The only thing that I wish I objected to was the use of my written statement that was part of the banks evidence against me.  I wanted to object because it was written under duress, but ultimately part of it helped me to win the appeal.  I also didn't get to the discriminatory treatment when it came to the other person that got fired on the same day whose unemployment was not contested.  However, I won and I don't believe the bank will appeal because it is on documentation only. 

I won because in CT law, wilful misconduct is a result of a final act after warnings that was done despite knowing that the job was in jeopardy.  I was fired as a result of a culmination of minor infractions not wilful misconduct.  I am fighting my termination because it was disparate treatment and retaliation for reporting discrimination and major depressive disorder.  The medical evidence also helped me win the case.

I feel lifted and vindicated because someone believed me.  Now hopefully my health will recover and I can be a great leader and employee in my future.  My battles are never over, but I can be me.  A more wise version of myself, but still me.  The only thing that I regret is that I couldn't repair my relationship with him.  There were mitigating circumstances and the company destroyed that relationship.  He should leave that place as soon as possible.

I would not recommend that bank or any of its agents to anyone.  Having employees is a sign that your company is doing well and growing.  Employees are a privilege to have.  Yet, too many companies treat their employees as dispensable.  I learned a lot from the bank in how not to treat employees and how a company culture can create or enhance mental illness.

I'm better off without all of them.

Hope

Apparently that is what I am guided by.  I can't disagree with it because I know that even in the blackest night that there is hope.  Evil cannot last forever.  The fact that my personal hell is over is at least proof of that. 

I know that the depression can always come back.  I have better coping tools now such as this blog, but I know that it can come back.  Am I back to the way I was before Doomsday?  Not quite, but one day I can be.  I've learned a lot while working at the bank.  The first is that most people haven't personally encountered someone like me.  At least they hadn't there.  They thought depression would last a few weeks at most.  For the lucky ones it does.  Not so for me.  Mine lasted 18 months to varying degrees.  It lifted the day I got fired because it was my job that was causing the depression for the most part.

I know that there will always be discrimination while ignorance is the way of the world.  I bring hope through education.  The worst part of what I have to do going forward is hide what I am for a time.  I am going to try to be light, which is not what I am really.  I just don't think that I can open myself up to someone like I did with him because work got involved.  I have scars to demonstrate the damaged that it caused.  Luckily, the scars are faint so only I can see them.

The last act in the horrendous chapter that was banking with be over on Wednesday with the unemployment appeal.  Until then, my stomach is churning.  Part of it is from putting all that mess behind me and part of it is starting my new job tomorrow and I'm excited about a new opportunity.  I think I am nomadic in that way because I like to try everything.  That may look bad to an employer, but there is so much to know.

I have hope that I will be able to live the life that I want to live.  I want to be able to be happy and express myself without being judged.  Maybe he was right when he said that I haven't found the right people.  Perhaps it's just Connecticut.  I think it might be time in a few years to wander to a new location since there won't be anything tying me here very much longer.  Even most of my friends want to move out of this infernal state with it's high costs.

Hope is what keeps me alive...keeps me moving forward.

Almost Finished

I have been working on my apartment to turn it more into a home.  I have been putting up pictures and some of my artwork.  I am almost finished with it, which is great because I start working on Tuesday.  The centerpiece of my living room will be father's seascape.   The framing done by Michael's was absolutely perfect.

It is my apartment and I love it.  I am leaving the second bedroom relatively blank for right now because I will be moving into the Master bedroom when my parents move out in September.  I have everything in a pile on the floor at the moment.  I still have to find a place for the heirloom mirror.

Some of my fans are missing.  I am going to work on my closet to figure out where they might be.  There is only so much  space in the apartment, though it is fairy large for the rent that I pay.  I am hoping to find them soon because one of the fans is from London.

I start working at CVS on Tuesday.  I am so happy to have a job that can potentially help people.  Healthcare is a field that will never go away.  I know that I may move away from Connecticut one day, but I'm not quite sure where I would like to go.  I know that every place in the world needs pharmacists because illness is not iradicated from the planet.

My apartment is finally feeling like home and it will be a bit difficult when my parents move.  I hope to get a roommate eventually so that I won't be alone in my beautiful apartment.  I know that I still have too many things, but I pared down on a lot.  I got some of my porcelain dolls on display from when I was younger.  One of them broke, but I have some amazing ones on display.  There will be no end to dusting.

I know that when my parents move out, I will be able to wear some of my awesome lingerie.  It's even better now that I have lost some of the weight.  I am working on getting down there.  It might be better when I have no money for meat.  I am going to work on exercise as well.

I'm still hoping that my hair will grow back since my nails are doing better.  My hair has always been hard since I first got sick with Hashimoto's.  I am hoping that now that the stress of a terrible job is over, then I can get healthier now.

My apartment is almost finished and I can move on with my life.