2016 had a lot of ups and downs for me and for everyone. Still not over the fact that 3 of my favorite artists are now gone. As Captain Jack Sparrow said, "The World's the same. There's just less in it." We had a terrible election in this country that was just full of terrible choices. Yet, I now have a great boyfriend and a place to live and keep exploring cooking. The downside is that I'm drowning in debt and need to continue recovering from trauma.
I hope in 2017 to be brave. I want to reduce my debt load as much as possible, so it will be even more of not going out or buying clothes or shoes unless absolutely necessary. I will also stop bringing my wallet into work and carrying credit cards. I also want to see my friends more and possibly make new ones. I know that this might require money, but it's not necessarily true. I mean I have movies and can make popcorn. I also want to have a tea party again, but that takes some planning. My friend gave me a coupon book, so that could help me tremendously.
I would also like to be more comfortable with myself. My job makes me feel like crap because it's very stressful and it really shouldn't be. I am taking a real vacation for the first time in 4 years. I am going to visit my parents in Israel, which is costing me very little. I think while I am there, I will have time to make a plan and decide what I really want.
I will be cutting out soda as of January 1. I will try my best to eat healthy even though I won't be able to get as many fresh ingredients as I would like. Hopefully, my friend will visit for a cooking weekend this year. This might get me better at planning meals and being able to make my own bagels. I don't want to use the things in my pantry or my gift cards just yet because that would mean that I have failed as an adult. I am not great at asking for help.
I also want to be happy with my body. I am 50lbs over what my goal weight is. Even with the weight loss, I'll still be curvy, but not as big. I should also be able to do the physical activities I like with greater ease. I also contacted an art professor at the local college to be a model for one of their drawing classes. Part of that is to be around people who have artistic talent and partly to be more comfortable with my body. I also think having a contact in the college, might help me get a job there eventually.
I would also like to be able to be me. The real not depressed me. I know the depression will be there lurking even in remission. I just want to be better at ignoring it. Better at dealing with it. I just want to be better in 2017.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
She Was My Friend
I haven't written in a while. Not because I didn't want to, but because I lost track of time due to struggle. I've been working far too much, struggling with finances and then I found out a friend of mine had passed away. I hadn't spoken to her in years because we took different paths, but she was a friend. Her passing has troubled me since I had found out the details.
Like me, she was different. I think that's how we became friends in the first place. We never quite fit into the drum corps that we both belonged to. She would end up not rejoining, while I did it all through high school. To me, she seemed so strong, so outgoing, and open. I was not really any of those things growing up. I was always a bit shy and would never be described as bubbly. As we got older we were in the same friend group even if we weren't close. She was there.
She went into the army and had two kids. I went to college and traveled Europe. The one thing that we had in common was that we struggled. I have had depression on and off since high school. These depression spells have made a lot of my memories fuzzy. There were times when she couldn't get out of bed. I had no idea that any of this was going on and yet, I was caught up in my own whirlwind of darkness to notice much else. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
My friend took her own life according to the coroner, but there were some oddities around it, which I will not go into. Part of me is in shock because I always thought she was so tough and strong. Yet the damaged part of me knows the lies that depression can tell. It's easy to believe those lies especially with the odd circumstances. The fact that she is no longer here, physically hurts me in a way that I cannot describe and for reasons I don't fully understand.
My high school friend group had a memorial for her this past weekend. It was sad and it was beautiful. We had all the pictures from high school up. She was so loved, by so many. We had some crazy stories and it was good to see my old friends, yet it was sad that we had to get back together under those circumstances. We all went on with our lives that I feel almost like an outsider. The most beautiful thing was that her sisters brought a mini urn encased in a pewter rose so that our friend could be with us as we remembered her.
Even now, I'm struggling with myself and the fact that I know that darkness and despair. I sometimes feel like an outsider even among my friends. I feel alone. I wish I was able to see my friends more, but with a retail schedule, a boyfriend, and friends with kids etc, it gets a bit difficult to spend time with the people I care about.
As for my friend being gone, my new rabbi shared a story about loss during one of her sermons. It wasn't a story of hers, but it was of a man who was recounting his first encounter with death (a pet canary) and the information operator he would speak to as a child. The operator told the child, after he asked why did his pet have to die, that there were other worlds to sing in. Now that my friend is gone, I take comfort that she is singing in another world. There are always other worlds to sing in.
Like me, she was different. I think that's how we became friends in the first place. We never quite fit into the drum corps that we both belonged to. She would end up not rejoining, while I did it all through high school. To me, she seemed so strong, so outgoing, and open. I was not really any of those things growing up. I was always a bit shy and would never be described as bubbly. As we got older we were in the same friend group even if we weren't close. She was there.
She went into the army and had two kids. I went to college and traveled Europe. The one thing that we had in common was that we struggled. I have had depression on and off since high school. These depression spells have made a lot of my memories fuzzy. There were times when she couldn't get out of bed. I had no idea that any of this was going on and yet, I was caught up in my own whirlwind of darkness to notice much else. I apologize to my friends and family for that.
My friend took her own life according to the coroner, but there were some oddities around it, which I will not go into. Part of me is in shock because I always thought she was so tough and strong. Yet the damaged part of me knows the lies that depression can tell. It's easy to believe those lies especially with the odd circumstances. The fact that she is no longer here, physically hurts me in a way that I cannot describe and for reasons I don't fully understand.
My high school friend group had a memorial for her this past weekend. It was sad and it was beautiful. We had all the pictures from high school up. She was so loved, by so many. We had some crazy stories and it was good to see my old friends, yet it was sad that we had to get back together under those circumstances. We all went on with our lives that I feel almost like an outsider. The most beautiful thing was that her sisters brought a mini urn encased in a pewter rose so that our friend could be with us as we remembered her.
Even now, I'm struggling with myself and the fact that I know that darkness and despair. I sometimes feel like an outsider even among my friends. I feel alone. I wish I was able to see my friends more, but with a retail schedule, a boyfriend, and friends with kids etc, it gets a bit difficult to spend time with the people I care about.
As for my friend being gone, my new rabbi shared a story about loss during one of her sermons. It wasn't a story of hers, but it was of a man who was recounting his first encounter with death (a pet canary) and the information operator he would speak to as a child. The operator told the child, after he asked why did his pet have to die, that there were other worlds to sing in. Now that my friend is gone, I take comfort that she is singing in another world. There are always other worlds to sing in.
Friday, October 14, 2016
It Could Have Been Me
I found out that I man I graduated high school with had passed away. It's sad, but what makes it worse is that he took his own life. I hadn't spoken to this man in over 10 years, but he lived a few streets and when we were little we would ride bikes together. Biking is something that he apparently loved. It's very sad that his life is over.
I know how he felt because I've been there. It could have been me. I've been through very dark times because of depression. When suicidal thoughts creep in, there is no logic to them. Mental illness lies to you and makes you believe that everyone in your life, everyone who matters to you, will be better off without you. The world is better off without you. While in that lie because it's so powerful, it's hard to see the truth.
Statistically, women attempt suicide more than men, but men are more successful because they use more aggressive means (guns, knives, etc.). The end result is the same...desperate sadness for everyone involved. While there is life there is hope, yet most depression is marked by hopelessness. I lucked out because I have friends who understand that what I'm saying is my illness, not me. A lot of them point me to people or things that can help. There are resources that are there. However, if someone doesn't reach out for those resources, they cannot work.
Suicide is 100% preventable. The one thing I have learned is that change is the only constant thing in life. If you can come out of the darkness, there is life that can be good. It's hard to see that in the darkness. Those of us who live with a mental illness, do need others to recognize the signs. One major sign is withdrawal. If you haven't heard from someone in a few months, reach out. Call rather than text or e-mail. A human voice can make all the difference in the world.
I don't want to make this young man's death about me. I wanted to say that I understand and I'm sorry that he couldn't make it. It's no one's fault. I am writing an article on how to support a friend with depression, but it's a slow going process. I can't say that I am an expert in supporting people, but it's the little things that can help. On my worst days, I wish I wasn't here. So yes, this could have been me, but it's not. The worst part of suicide aside from the inevitable question of why, is the loss of what could have been.
If you or someone you know is struggling call the Suicide Prevention Hotline or the police. It doesn't have to end. There is treatment. There is help. There is hope.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Love
Love is a concept that I have always struggled with. I'm exploring relationships (finally) and the concept of love is no less confusing for me. I find love is an open concept, but that is not what I observe in others.
I have observed that people on say "I love you" if it's a significant other or a family member. I have always found that there are so many different kinds of love, not just romantic love
. I say "I love you" to my best friend and I feel things for my companion, but I wouldn't characterize it as being in love. I do care for him deeply, which might be a form of love. However, with my male friends, I can't say I love them because they have girlfriends and they only say the word love to them.
I'm not sure how to fix that. Maybe it's a cultural thing or perhaps it's a comfort level because relationships have different degrees of closeness. However, love is, to me, one of the foundations of healthy relationships, doesn't matter what title you give it. I want to be able to tell the people that I love, that I love them and not feel like I'll be rebuffed for using that word.
We all know the feelings we have towards and for others. I wish that we could actually express them and not be judged for them. Perhaps that will happen one day.
I have observed that people on say "I love you" if it's a significant other or a family member. I have always found that there are so many different kinds of love, not just romantic love
I'm not sure how to fix that. Maybe it's a cultural thing or perhaps it's a comfort level because relationships have different degrees of closeness. However, love is, to me, one of the foundations of healthy relationships, doesn't matter what title you give it. I want to be able to tell the people that I love, that I love them and not feel like I'll be rebuffed for using that word.
We all know the feelings we have towards and for others. I wish that we could actually express them and not be judged for them. Perhaps that will happen one day.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
15 Years Later
It's been 15 years and I still can't believe that the terror attacks in New York and Washington are a reality. I still live in Connecticut in a heavy commuter area to the city. Yet, I remember my story on 9/11 quite clearly.
I was a junior in High School and sitting in English class when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. A girl named, Lauren Penner, walked into class late and said a plane had hit one of the towers. We all thought it was an accident, which seemed weird because it was a bright blue, warm, sunny day. I remember feeling that the world felt off in a huge way. I have ESP and felt something was very wrong even before Lauren came in, but I was 15 years old, so what did I know? It wasn't until later in that same class that the principal came on the loud speaker announcing that there was a terrorist attack. The principal stated that we should continue classes as normal and for teachers to not turn on the TVs or radios. I believe he made this decision because many students had parents who worked in the city or the towers themselves. Needless to say teachers did not follow that direction and classes did not continue as normal. We went to class, but did not do lessons that day. Students were getting called down to the office after every period with instructions on what to do after school or getting picked up. I was told to go to a family friend's house as all after school activities were cancelled.
I honestly didn't know the towers were gone till 3pm when I saw it on TV. After the initial announcement I was in a haze the rest of the day at school. It was a blur of tears, anger and shock. My parents worked locally, so they were safe. I personally did not lose anyone that day. However, 2,977 people lost their lives. I would go into New York every so often with my family and can't remember if we were there in August of 2000 or 2001 to meet my mother's English cousin for the first time, but I remember the towers being there. Now , they're gone.
Two months later, I wanted to see the Rocky Horror Show Live on Broadway, so my dad bought us two tickets. It was on Black Friday, one of the busiest days in the city. My dad wanted to see the wreckage since the show was at 2. My dad had to see it.
After we got off the subway, we walked to the site. A lot was still blocked off, but what I remember most is the smell. It smelt like burnt death. I saw the partially gone Marriott Hotel and the waffle pattern steal. I felt so overwhelmed because I closed my eyes and the towers were still there, but when I opened them it was a war zone. What got to me most was that I turned away from site to see a McDonald's express, where the windows were smashed and debris was littered inside. It was unbearable. There are too many ghosts.
Last time I was in that area of NYC, the 9/11 memorial was open to visitors. I didn't go. I felt too sad being there. Part of me wants to visit the memorial because I went to the Pentagon memorial, which was beautiful. However, there are too many ghosts in that area. Some spirits, like those in grief, just can't move on. Maybe one day I'll try to go there, but like Auschwitz, it may be a place that I just can't go to.
Now, 15 years later, the day started out cloudy with a bit of rain, but later turned into a beautiful, partly cloudy day. I teach 9/11 to my 5th grade students. They know about the Towers, but I chose to tell them about flight 93. Those people did something to stop their plane. They saved lives even though they lost theirs to do it. I tell the students about Ben Sliney, whose first day as operations manager of the FAA was 9/11 and how he made the decision to ground all planes and lose billions of dollars instead of risk more death. 15 years happened in a blink of an eye, yet live has moved on as it must.
Terror attacks still go on throughout the world. While many are from ISIS not Al Queida. I am always aware of my surroundings and know where the exits are. I know that no one is ever truly safe and tomorrow is promised to no one. I remember those that senselessly died in a tragedy. I am thankful that I have people that I care about in my life. I get to keep them for now. I will always remember what happened and how it changed the world.
I was a junior in High School and sitting in English class when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. A girl named, Lauren Penner, walked into class late and said a plane had hit one of the towers. We all thought it was an accident, which seemed weird because it was a bright blue, warm, sunny day. I remember feeling that the world felt off in a huge way. I have ESP and felt something was very wrong even before Lauren came in, but I was 15 years old, so what did I know? It wasn't until later in that same class that the principal came on the loud speaker announcing that there was a terrorist attack. The principal stated that we should continue classes as normal and for teachers to not turn on the TVs or radios. I believe he made this decision because many students had parents who worked in the city or the towers themselves. Needless to say teachers did not follow that direction and classes did not continue as normal. We went to class, but did not do lessons that day. Students were getting called down to the office after every period with instructions on what to do after school or getting picked up. I was told to go to a family friend's house as all after school activities were cancelled.
I honestly didn't know the towers were gone till 3pm when I saw it on TV. After the initial announcement I was in a haze the rest of the day at school. It was a blur of tears, anger and shock. My parents worked locally, so they were safe. I personally did not lose anyone that day. However, 2,977 people lost their lives. I would go into New York every so often with my family and can't remember if we were there in August of 2000 or 2001 to meet my mother's English cousin for the first time, but I remember the towers being there. Now , they're gone.
Two months later, I wanted to see the Rocky Horror Show Live on Broadway, so my dad bought us two tickets. It was on Black Friday, one of the busiest days in the city. My dad wanted to see the wreckage since the show was at 2. My dad had to see it.
After we got off the subway, we walked to the site. A lot was still blocked off, but what I remember most is the smell. It smelt like burnt death. I saw the partially gone Marriott Hotel and the waffle pattern steal. I felt so overwhelmed because I closed my eyes and the towers were still there, but when I opened them it was a war zone. What got to me most was that I turned away from site to see a McDonald's express, where the windows were smashed and debris was littered inside. It was unbearable. There are too many ghosts.
Last time I was in that area of NYC, the 9/11 memorial was open to visitors. I didn't go. I felt too sad being there. Part of me wants to visit the memorial because I went to the Pentagon memorial, which was beautiful. However, there are too many ghosts in that area. Some spirits, like those in grief, just can't move on. Maybe one day I'll try to go there, but like Auschwitz, it may be a place that I just can't go to.
Now, 15 years later, the day started out cloudy with a bit of rain, but later turned into a beautiful, partly cloudy day. I teach 9/11 to my 5th grade students. They know about the Towers, but I chose to tell them about flight 93. Those people did something to stop their plane. They saved lives even though they lost theirs to do it. I tell the students about Ben Sliney, whose first day as operations manager of the FAA was 9/11 and how he made the decision to ground all planes and lose billions of dollars instead of risk more death. 15 years happened in a blink of an eye, yet live has moved on as it must.
Terror attacks still go on throughout the world. While many are from ISIS not Al Queida. I am always aware of my surroundings and know where the exits are. I know that no one is ever truly safe and tomorrow is promised to no one. I remember those that senselessly died in a tragedy. I am thankful that I have people that I care about in my life. I get to keep them for now. I will always remember what happened and how it changed the world.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
So I Kept Living
To Write Love On Her Arms just did this campaign for suicide survivors/prevention with the above title. When you're in the midst of depression, suicide seems like a viable option. Logically it isn't, but depression lies to you making you believe that suicide is the only way to stop the pain.
Yes, I have wanted to die and on my bad days, I sometimes wish that I had. On my worst days, I would like my heart to give up because how can I take anymore sorrow. The surprising thing is that you don't die of a broken heart. So, when I saw this campaign, I thought why did I keep living.
I am still alive despite the days I would not like to be. I have way too much debt, don't have a great job and might not even have a companion anymore. You do start to heal slowly. Sometimes at a glacial pace, but it happens. My life hasn't gotten better...It's gotten different. To be better is to improve on what was there before. The truth is that what happened to me so completely changed me that there is no going back to what was there before. Now I'm different.
Yes, I have gotten my cognitive abilities back, but I'm not super friendly and I'm not willing to forgive as easily as I had been. There is a sadness still in my soul that creeps up at unexpected times. I can't say the name, "Dan," without thinking about him and it still boils up a mix of anger, longing and self-loathing. I don't believe in love as something that can bind forever. I have abandonment issues and am insecure. I don't believe that I will get a fairy tale ending. There are days that I will always feel completely alone despite the knowledge of the contrary.
I don't have a positive outlook or feelings towards the future because how can anything get better? I supported people through their darkest times, but I have not received that support in return. So why am I still here? I don't know. I look at my goals list and while they are great goals, I sometimes think of them as stupid. Perhaps, one day, I'll get everything I ever wanted. I'll be a writer and make a decent living without debt. I'll have a decent partnership where we can have a life together. Though right now, those things do not seem like immediate possibilities.
I wish I could write that I kept on living because I have hope. Hope can be a terrible thing. As the sisterhood of Karn said, "Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold." I think post-trauma me has a very low threshold for disappointment. That being said, it takes a few hours for me to reverse the feelings of despair. I have a few good friends that help me see what I feel is real or if it's my depression. It's still there and it might always be there.
With all that being said, I'm here. I kept on living. I have some vague plans for the next 6 months. I don't plan further than that because my world was destroyed in 1 day. So I kept on living because the Doctor reminded me of something:
Idris: I've been looking for a word. A big, complicated word, but so sad. I've found it now.
Doctor: What word?
Idris: Alive. I'm alive.
Doctor: Alive isn't sad.
Idris: It's sad when it's over.
Even if I never live my dreams, life is always sad when it's over. My time will come one day, but not yet.
Yes, I have wanted to die and on my bad days, I sometimes wish that I had. On my worst days, I would like my heart to give up because how can I take anymore sorrow. The surprising thing is that you don't die of a broken heart. So, when I saw this campaign, I thought why did I keep living.
I am still alive despite the days I would not like to be. I have way too much debt, don't have a great job and might not even have a companion anymore. You do start to heal slowly. Sometimes at a glacial pace, but it happens. My life hasn't gotten better...It's gotten different. To be better is to improve on what was there before. The truth is that what happened to me so completely changed me that there is no going back to what was there before. Now I'm different.
Yes, I have gotten my cognitive abilities back, but I'm not super friendly and I'm not willing to forgive as easily as I had been. There is a sadness still in my soul that creeps up at unexpected times. I can't say the name, "Dan," without thinking about him and it still boils up a mix of anger, longing and self-loathing. I don't believe in love as something that can bind forever. I have abandonment issues and am insecure. I don't believe that I will get a fairy tale ending. There are days that I will always feel completely alone despite the knowledge of the contrary.
I don't have a positive outlook or feelings towards the future because how can anything get better? I supported people through their darkest times, but I have not received that support in return. So why am I still here? I don't know. I look at my goals list and while they are great goals, I sometimes think of them as stupid. Perhaps, one day, I'll get everything I ever wanted. I'll be a writer and make a decent living without debt. I'll have a decent partnership where we can have a life together. Though right now, those things do not seem like immediate possibilities.
I wish I could write that I kept on living because I have hope. Hope can be a terrible thing. As the sisterhood of Karn said, "Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold." I think post-trauma me has a very low threshold for disappointment. That being said, it takes a few hours for me to reverse the feelings of despair. I have a few good friends that help me see what I feel is real or if it's my depression. It's still there and it might always be there.
With all that being said, I'm here. I kept on living. I have some vague plans for the next 6 months. I don't plan further than that because my world was destroyed in 1 day. So I kept on living because the Doctor reminded me of something:
Idris: I've been looking for a word. A big, complicated word, but so sad. I've found it now.
Doctor: What word?
Idris: Alive. I'm alive.
Doctor: Alive isn't sad.
Idris: It's sad when it's over.
Even if I never live my dreams, life is always sad when it's over. My time will come one day, but not yet.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Brain Recovery
I feel like my brain has finally recovered from the psychological trauma I suffered three years ago. The depression really eats away at my creativity. I forced myself to write, whereas before the trauma words would just flow easily in my head. I used to carry a notebook around to write down the string of words and then I would incorporate them into stories, essays or poems later.
Now, the words have come back. I am writing a lot more now, which makes me so happy. While I haven't come up with any stories or poems quite yet, writing this post is just pouring out of me. Now, I should be able to write articles and start working on a book. If I write for an hour a day, does that make me a writer?
I am currently working on an article on Hub Pages about how to support a friend with depression. It's just for friends/co-workers as family structure is different. I am also keeping a journal and writing letters. I would like to write a book, but am not sure what it will be on. I also have an idea for a PhD, but have to figure out schools I would like to apply to.
My brain finally feels like I'm going to be able to be myself again. I know that I can achieve my dream of being a professional writer. I am going to start researching and editing as well. One of my posts will be published in my temple newsletter, the Menorah, next month. So, maybe I could be a writer.
I have other goals that I'd like to accomplish like getting back to physical health as much as I can and try to be a better friend. I also need to fix my debt situation as I'm lugging around 70k in student loans and credit card debt. I will slowly get that down, one bill at a time. I'm looking into more ways to make money and now that I have writer's brain back, maybe I can.
Now, the words have come back. I am writing a lot more now, which makes me so happy. While I haven't come up with any stories or poems quite yet, writing this post is just pouring out of me. Now, I should be able to write articles and start working on a book. If I write for an hour a day, does that make me a writer?
I am currently working on an article on Hub Pages about how to support a friend with depression. It's just for friends/co-workers as family structure is different. I am also keeping a journal and writing letters. I would like to write a book, but am not sure what it will be on. I also have an idea for a PhD, but have to figure out schools I would like to apply to.
My brain finally feels like I'm going to be able to be myself again. I know that I can achieve my dream of being a professional writer. I am going to start researching and editing as well. One of my posts will be published in my temple newsletter, the Menorah, next month. So, maybe I could be a writer.
I have other goals that I'd like to accomplish like getting back to physical health as much as I can and try to be a better friend. I also need to fix my debt situation as I'm lugging around 70k in student loans and credit card debt. I will slowly get that down, one bill at a time. I'm looking into more ways to make money and now that I have writer's brain back, maybe I can.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
In Defense of My Mother
Today was my mother's birthday. Since my parents live in Israel, I only go to wish her a happy birthday and chat with her a bit. I have a feeling that she is feeling a bit down. I wish I was less of a pain to her. I wish that I appreciated her more.
I have to admit that it took a while to understand my mother. She can be domineering, very opinionated and pushy. She can be intimidating to weaker people as well. My mom is an old jewish lady now, who announces her opinion and doesn't care who gets offended by it. You're allowed to do that when you're old. I also think that people are now easily offended by anything that is not politically correct. My mother has always been a bit blunt, which I also inherited. We both have a low tolerance for stupidity as well.
My mom would push me and my brother to do things. We were both in scouts, marching band and sports. I think my mom pushed us both to do scouts because she couldn't as a child because she couldn't afford the uniform. Sometimes I hated being involved in all these activities, but they did get me into college. I know my mother did without sometimes so we could participate in these activities.
What I didn't understand when I was young was the my mom grew up poor, so she would make sure my brother and I got things that we wanted to be happy. She would do this from tag sales or buying things on sale. I think that taught me to value second hand things because I don't always need something new. There was a time when my dad was in and out of work, so sometimes we couldn't get new things. The only thing my mom didn't give up was her weekly manicure. She would make sure she had the $15 do get that done. It was her little thing.
I know it wasn't easy raising me, but my mom always loved me. She would do anything for me. Today she even offered to send me money so I could do laundry. I declined because I have to make it on my own. I would love for her to send me more recipes even though all her food ends up being brown.
It does upset me when people are mean to my mother. I can be mean to my mom because family pisses each other off at times. My mom was bullied at her last place of employment, which was awful. She was not very happy during that time, but got so much better when she moved to Israel. I feel that Israel is where she always belonged. She seems less tense there. However, she is still a very opinionated, blunt lady.
My mom is my mom. She's not perfect, but she is always there when I need her. I do feel bad when I yell at her or am mean to her because she does so much for me. I do try to make it up to her by trying to fix myself and finding things that she would like. I'm going to visit her in March even though it would add to my debt. Since my parents are older, if I wait, they might not be in great health to host me in Israel.
Happy Birthday, mommy.
I have to admit that it took a while to understand my mother. She can be domineering, very opinionated and pushy. She can be intimidating to weaker people as well. My mom is an old jewish lady now, who announces her opinion and doesn't care who gets offended by it. You're allowed to do that when you're old. I also think that people are now easily offended by anything that is not politically correct. My mother has always been a bit blunt, which I also inherited. We both have a low tolerance for stupidity as well.
My mom would push me and my brother to do things. We were both in scouts, marching band and sports. I think my mom pushed us both to do scouts because she couldn't as a child because she couldn't afford the uniform. Sometimes I hated being involved in all these activities, but they did get me into college. I know my mother did without sometimes so we could participate in these activities.
What I didn't understand when I was young was the my mom grew up poor, so she would make sure my brother and I got things that we wanted to be happy. She would do this from tag sales or buying things on sale. I think that taught me to value second hand things because I don't always need something new. There was a time when my dad was in and out of work, so sometimes we couldn't get new things. The only thing my mom didn't give up was her weekly manicure. She would make sure she had the $15 do get that done. It was her little thing.
I know it wasn't easy raising me, but my mom always loved me. She would do anything for me. Today she even offered to send me money so I could do laundry. I declined because I have to make it on my own. I would love for her to send me more recipes even though all her food ends up being brown.
It does upset me when people are mean to my mother. I can be mean to my mom because family pisses each other off at times. My mom was bullied at her last place of employment, which was awful. She was not very happy during that time, but got so much better when she moved to Israel. I feel that Israel is where she always belonged. She seems less tense there. However, she is still a very opinionated, blunt lady.
My mom is my mom. She's not perfect, but she is always there when I need her. I do feel bad when I yell at her or am mean to her because she does so much for me. I do try to make it up to her by trying to fix myself and finding things that she would like. I'm going to visit her in March even though it would add to my debt. Since my parents are older, if I wait, they might not be in great health to host me in Israel.
Happy Birthday, mommy.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Ruin
The word ruin can be used as an exaggeration, but I believe that the word ruin can be applied when a situation so terrible happens that you can never go back to who you were before. I had a job ruin my life. They ganged up on me and made assumptions based on their narrow-mindedness. The consequence is that I don't have a positive view of the world or myself.
Rose left me because of that job. That still stings. Now it seems that my companion has left me because I don't have a positive attitude. It's difficult to be positive when you're still drowning. I still get frustrated easily because that's what depression does (my main symptom is irritability). I am struggling financially because I have about $70k of debt between student loans, a car lease and credit cards. I don't even make $30k a year to carry this debt load.
One of the last thing my companion said to me was that he missed being with someone he adored. I took that to mean that he didn't adore me. Maybe I'm just the place holder until someone better comes along. That statement made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't like my body right now because I have a problem with my weight and the amount of sugar in my diet. I'm also overly stressed partially because of the above stated money issues. I also feel stuck because I don't know what I really want to do for a career.
I try to plan things that help me feel good and positive. I like planing walks and outings. It's a bit difficult when you have little to no money to spend, but I try. I wanted to go to the beach and maybe go on a picnic this summer. I wanted to go on my balloon ride. I will probably go on my balloon ride alone now. Every time I tried to be encouraging during this last month, my companion has shot me down. I offered assistance, which he basically refused. I was generous and kind. That makes me a good person even if I don't have a positive outlook on myself.
I know that being my goal weight won't magically make me confident and happy. I was always lonely as a child and I'm lonely still now. Spending time with people makes me feel good. I spend much of my time alone. I was a lot happier when I was with my companion, but I think that's over now. The job that ruined me is still having repercussions because I'm still very closed. I don't like many people. I always think I'm getting better then I have a set back. Maybe I'm not doing well after all.
Rose left me because of that job. That still stings. Now it seems that my companion has left me because I don't have a positive attitude. It's difficult to be positive when you're still drowning. I still get frustrated easily because that's what depression does (my main symptom is irritability). I am struggling financially because I have about $70k of debt between student loans, a car lease and credit cards. I don't even make $30k a year to carry this debt load.
One of the last thing my companion said to me was that he missed being with someone he adored. I took that to mean that he didn't adore me. Maybe I'm just the place holder until someone better comes along. That statement made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't like my body right now because I have a problem with my weight and the amount of sugar in my diet. I'm also overly stressed partially because of the above stated money issues. I also feel stuck because I don't know what I really want to do for a career.
I try to plan things that help me feel good and positive. I like planing walks and outings. It's a bit difficult when you have little to no money to spend, but I try. I wanted to go to the beach and maybe go on a picnic this summer. I wanted to go on my balloon ride. I will probably go on my balloon ride alone now. Every time I tried to be encouraging during this last month, my companion has shot me down. I offered assistance, which he basically refused. I was generous and kind. That makes me a good person even if I don't have a positive outlook on myself.
I know that being my goal weight won't magically make me confident and happy. I was always lonely as a child and I'm lonely still now. Spending time with people makes me feel good. I spend much of my time alone. I was a lot happier when I was with my companion, but I think that's over now. The job that ruined me is still having repercussions because I'm still very closed. I don't like many people. I always think I'm getting better then I have a set back. Maybe I'm not doing well after all.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Sitting Alone
I don't mind sitting alone sometimes. I go to services and sit by myself since my family has moved to Israel. Sometimes it's more peaceful that way. I eat alone at restaurants sometimes as well. I don't always have someone to go with and that's fine. Tonight though I was peaceful and yet a little sad.
My Rabbi, Solomon Acrish, who has been my rabbi for my entire life, passed away from cancer in May. Sometimes, it doesn't seem like he's really gone until you get reminded of it. I was at services tonight because I was one of the hostesses for the oneg (after service goodies). After all the events of these past weeks with police brutality and the sniper attack in Dallas, etc., I was thinking about the sermon that my rabbi might have given.
Rabbi had given many sermons over the years. No, I don't remember all of them and I probably fell asleep during a few as I was a child, but I remember the way he said them. He had so much passion. Rabbi Acrish was an assistant rabbi in Alabama during the civil rights movement and he is mentioned by name in archives. The synagogue he served at did receive bomb threats during that time. I was wondering what his take on all this would have been. I'm sure he would have been upset with the loss of life, but he would have delivered a powerful message as he usually did. I'm sure it would be along the lines that life matters. Before people jump on that, Rabbi Acrish was born in Morocco and had a unique view on the world.
At the end of the service we say a prayer for those who have passed. When Rabbi's name was read I teared up because I miss him. There are people that I will always miss. Rabbi Acrish will always be one of them. I miss the way he always said my name. I know that I'm weird and I wasn't as close to him as some of his "children" were, but he mattered. I think he was always happy to see me.
Things are going to be different at my temple now. We lost our spiritual leader of 50 years. It's never going to be the same. I am volunteering more at the temple because it's my home. I am not particularly religious, but I go there for the social aspect and to feel comfortable.
At the end of the day I don't mind sitting alone because I'm not really alone. I have memories and a great imagination. I might miss the people that are gone, but I have mental conversations with them and that's good enough for me.
My Rabbi, Solomon Acrish, who has been my rabbi for my entire life, passed away from cancer in May. Sometimes, it doesn't seem like he's really gone until you get reminded of it. I was at services tonight because I was one of the hostesses for the oneg (after service goodies). After all the events of these past weeks with police brutality and the sniper attack in Dallas, etc., I was thinking about the sermon that my rabbi might have given.
Rabbi had given many sermons over the years. No, I don't remember all of them and I probably fell asleep during a few as I was a child, but I remember the way he said them. He had so much passion. Rabbi Acrish was an assistant rabbi in Alabama during the civil rights movement and he is mentioned by name in archives. The synagogue he served at did receive bomb threats during that time. I was wondering what his take on all this would have been. I'm sure he would have been upset with the loss of life, but he would have delivered a powerful message as he usually did. I'm sure it would be along the lines that life matters. Before people jump on that, Rabbi Acrish was born in Morocco and had a unique view on the world.
At the end of the service we say a prayer for those who have passed. When Rabbi's name was read I teared up because I miss him. There are people that I will always miss. Rabbi Acrish will always be one of them. I miss the way he always said my name. I know that I'm weird and I wasn't as close to him as some of his "children" were, but he mattered. I think he was always happy to see me.
Things are going to be different at my temple now. We lost our spiritual leader of 50 years. It's never going to be the same. I am volunteering more at the temple because it's my home. I am not particularly religious, but I go there for the social aspect and to feel comfortable.
At the end of the day I don't mind sitting alone because I'm not really alone. I have memories and a great imagination. I might miss the people that are gone, but I have mental conversations with them and that's good enough for me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Triggered
I have wanted to cut on and off all day today. A lot of it is stress because of money, but part of it is this feeling of failure that I have. One of the pharmacists just got engaged and is looking to get a house. She has a higher amount of student loan debt, but makes the salary to support that. I work so hard and make above minimum wage, but it's not enough to support myself and pay off debt. I don't think I'll ever own a home or get married. It makes me feel like I have failed at some point in my life.
I read an article about a woman on welfare. She makes slightly less than I do a month and doesn't work and pays about $50 for rent on subsidized housing. It makes me angry because I work so hard and have 2 jobs. All my money goes to bills. I rarely go out and I feel very isolated because of it. I haven't been grocery shopping in months because I can't afford groceries. My parents left me food, which I am grateful for because I'm using up what's in the freezer first. I look in my fridge and see almost nothing. It upsets me because I know that this is not a healthy way to live. I will not be able to lose weight if everything I eat is high in salt, sugar and preservatives. Then I weigh myself and feel worse about myself.
As for a career, I don't know what I want to do. I like what I do as a pharmacy technician, but I can barely pay the bills. I'm working a shift in another store, which I don't really want to do, but I'm not in a position to turn down shifts because a lot of my bill payments will be late this month. It's upsetting that I'm 30 and feel like I'm financially a failure. I have 2 degrees and have nothing to show for it.
I have a very kind companion, but I don't think it will lead to anything permanent. I don't feel like I'm a catch. I'm smart and am a decent cook, but that's pretty much it. Due to the stress of my monetary situation, I am not a nice person. I resent my customer base because they pretty much have money. My coworkers think I'm moody, but because I don't talk about my personal life, they don't know that half the time I feel that cutting would be a better way to deal with all this stress. Compound this will all the feelings that was brought about by the abuse from evil bank that I'm still not over. There are days that are terrible. I cry once a week because it doesn't look like things will ever get easier.
There are days that I'm embarrassed to go to work. We have meetings at work where we get left over food. I take a lot of food home because there are days when I don't know what I'm going to eat because it will probably be out of a can. I am also embarrassed that I have to apply for reduced membership at my synagogue because I can't afford the initiation fees.
I do the best I can, but right now I just feel hopeless with my situation, which is triggering me to self-harm.
I read an article about a woman on welfare. She makes slightly less than I do a month and doesn't work and pays about $50 for rent on subsidized housing. It makes me angry because I work so hard and have 2 jobs. All my money goes to bills. I rarely go out and I feel very isolated because of it. I haven't been grocery shopping in months because I can't afford groceries. My parents left me food, which I am grateful for because I'm using up what's in the freezer first. I look in my fridge and see almost nothing. It upsets me because I know that this is not a healthy way to live. I will not be able to lose weight if everything I eat is high in salt, sugar and preservatives. Then I weigh myself and feel worse about myself.
As for a career, I don't know what I want to do. I like what I do as a pharmacy technician, but I can barely pay the bills. I'm working a shift in another store, which I don't really want to do, but I'm not in a position to turn down shifts because a lot of my bill payments will be late this month. It's upsetting that I'm 30 and feel like I'm financially a failure. I have 2 degrees and have nothing to show for it.
I have a very kind companion, but I don't think it will lead to anything permanent. I don't feel like I'm a catch. I'm smart and am a decent cook, but that's pretty much it. Due to the stress of my monetary situation, I am not a nice person. I resent my customer base because they pretty much have money. My coworkers think I'm moody, but because I don't talk about my personal life, they don't know that half the time I feel that cutting would be a better way to deal with all this stress. Compound this will all the feelings that was brought about by the abuse from evil bank that I'm still not over. There are days that are terrible. I cry once a week because it doesn't look like things will ever get easier.
There are days that I'm embarrassed to go to work. We have meetings at work where we get left over food. I take a lot of food home because there are days when I don't know what I'm going to eat because it will probably be out of a can. I am also embarrassed that I have to apply for reduced membership at my synagogue because I can't afford the initiation fees.
I do the best I can, but right now I just feel hopeless with my situation, which is triggering me to self-harm.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Shark Week
I've loved sharks since I was a little girl. I think I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery since it came out. I remember my mom getting me Jacques Cousteau documentaries on sharks. I believe sharks are beautiful creatures that deserve respect and probably a healthy amount of fear.
Most sharks do investigatory bites, which is what most shark attacks on humans are. The problem is that they have sharp teeth, which causes the major damage. If you get bitten a a tiny horn shark it won't cause as much damage as say a Great White or a Bull shark because of their sheer size and aggressiveness. If you've been in the ocean you have probably been in close proximity to a shark and might not have realized it. You are going into their home and have to understand that the are out there.
The shows so far this year have been pretty great. Air Jaws is always a favorite of mine. It's just impressive to see an animal that weighs a ton launch itself out of the water. While Great Whites are impressive, I like the smaller sharks like blues, makos and nurse sharks. I'm glad that Discovery decided to branch out and show some of these sharks. The program on the oceanic white tip, which is the shark behind the USS Indianapolis attack, was really interesting. While this species of shark is aggressive, they are nowhere near as aggressive as bull sharks. Bull sharks are extremely deadly for the reason that they have the highest level of testosterone of any animal on the plant. Basically they are terrible motherfuckers. I'm looking forward to the rest of the programming this week.
I think one of my goals is to volunteer at an aquarium and educate people about sharks. I love these animals and I want other people to love them too. I spend most of my time at aquariums at the shark tanks. My companion took me to the local one and was nowhere near as excited as I was about petting the sharks. The nurse sharks are pretty docile and that's why they do well in the touch pools. If they don't want to be touched, they know where to go.
I hope to see some more of them up close one day. I would love to see a whale shark. I don't think I would be happy to swim with a great white. Since I love the ocean, I respect and love sharks. They deserve protection because humans kill about 1 million sharks a year while sharks on average kill 5 humans a year. Many sharks are vulnerable or endangered. I think I would like to adopt a shark one day too.
Now, I'm going to go cuddle with one of my shark stuffed animals and go to sleep.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Passion
I'm trying to discover what I'm passionate about. I know that cooking is definitely one of them. I have cookbooks and recipes that I want to try to make. I'm planning on making my companion a coffee cake. I might to a practice one next week. However, the monetary situation is causing a huge strain on discovering things that I like to do.
I am starting to hike again. It's kind of difficult on an easy hike because I'm hugely overweight and out of shape. I do enjoy the scenery and seeing the wildlife again. I used to enjoy hiking with my dad. I was also a lot thinner then too. I have not found an exercise regimen that I enjoy. I like yoga, but I'm not overly into it. I do it occasionally to get my back stretched out.
I do enjoy scents and baths, but it's not my passion. If it was, then maybe I would get into making my own. Perfumers make a lot of money because they mix scents to create new ones and then sell them to big companies. My favorite scent is violet and I adore violet flowers.
As for a career, I don't know what I'd enjoy. I like what I do now, but I dislike the patients. Maybe it's the town I work in or maybe people are just crappy in general. I don't really know. I do know that at the moment, I am not making enough to survive, especially in the summer. The good thing is that my debt is starting to go down. It's stressful that I sometimes can't make payments. I sometimes live off my credit cards, which adds to my debt. I know I can't do full time teaching because you can't really have a bad day when dealing with children.
I do want to draw and make costumes again. Maybe find a hobby that I can turn into some extra money. I'm working on trying to get rid of things in a tag sale. I really do need to downsize.
Sorry for the boring post. I feel boring.
I am starting to hike again. It's kind of difficult on an easy hike because I'm hugely overweight and out of shape. I do enjoy the scenery and seeing the wildlife again. I used to enjoy hiking with my dad. I was also a lot thinner then too. I have not found an exercise regimen that I enjoy. I like yoga, but I'm not overly into it. I do it occasionally to get my back stretched out.
I do enjoy scents and baths, but it's not my passion. If it was, then maybe I would get into making my own. Perfumers make a lot of money because they mix scents to create new ones and then sell them to big companies. My favorite scent is violet and I adore violet flowers.
As for a career, I don't know what I'd enjoy. I like what I do now, but I dislike the patients. Maybe it's the town I work in or maybe people are just crappy in general. I don't really know. I do know that at the moment, I am not making enough to survive, especially in the summer. The good thing is that my debt is starting to go down. It's stressful that I sometimes can't make payments. I sometimes live off my credit cards, which adds to my debt. I know I can't do full time teaching because you can't really have a bad day when dealing with children.
I do want to draw and make costumes again. Maybe find a hobby that I can turn into some extra money. I'm working on trying to get rid of things in a tag sale. I really do need to downsize.
Sorry for the boring post. I feel boring.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
No More Drama
There are things that still make me very sad. One of them is the assumption that I have the same relationship with my parents that my brother has. I do not in the slightest. I might not have gotten along with my mother as a teenager, but I do now. I don't think any teenage girl really gets along with their mom. There are books written about it. If you did get along with your mother from age 12-22, then you might be an anomaly.
My brother got married this past weekend and while I am happy for him and like my sister in law, this wedding had more drama than I would have liked. I also felt like I was an outsider. I'm not as close with my brother as I would like because we are quite different. The thing that really upset me was that it seemed that my mother was treated as a problem. My brother doesn't know how to deal with my mom because she is hyper and needs to know everything. It can be frustrating, but that is who she is.
At the rehearsal dinner there is a tradition that candy is thrown at the bride and groom for a sweet life and sing some songs. My mother wanted to celebrate this tradition so I made sure that gummy candy was bought, which was soft. I don't have a lot of extra money to spend, so getting this candy was not entirely in my budget. There could have been a compromise of throwing the candy in the air. Instead, the best man took the candy and hid it, so the tradition was not done. I mean there were 70 people at this dinner and probably only 50 pieces of candy. I did not know that the best man was intentionally told to take the candy till after the wedding.
On the day of the wedding, the hair and make up for my mother was done in our hotel room instead of the bridal suite. That's fine as it was not a major thing. My mom had family that could occupy the rest of the time. However, at the rehearsal dinner there were some major cock ups done by the restaurant, so my mom was trying to fix them. When my mom came to the sweet to let the mother of the bride know so she could get the refund or discount, my mom was barred from entering the room by another bridesmaid. This clearly upset my mother. After I had finished with my hair and make-up, I left the suite and never went back because I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the day. It was about my brother and his fiance, now wife, not the petty drama.
The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception was fun. There were 2 things that made me sad during the reception. The first was the band playing, "I Will Always Love You" because it reminded me of Rose (the song lyrics are actually quite sad as it's about not being with someone you love because you aren't good for them). The second was seeing my mom looking so sad. She was being cordial and nice all weekend. She went along with the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner even though there were others that would have been nicer in my opinion. She felt rejected and that made me sad.
It is said that weddings are for the bride and her family. I'm not sure if that's an American thing or if I have a different view. I would like to plan things with my intended together. It's a day for family and celebration. While this was the happiest day for my brother and his wife, it looked to be the saddest day for my mother. She could not get home fast enough.
I know when I got home all I wanted to do was see my guy, but I don't know when that will be. I don't know if I will ever have a wedding. I'm not mad at my brother or my sister in law. I just wish things turned out differently. I know that these events even upset my dad. It takes a lot to upset him. I'm glad to be back home where I can sleep. I don't mean any offense by any of this. It's just that some drama makes me sad.
My brother got married this past weekend and while I am happy for him and like my sister in law, this wedding had more drama than I would have liked. I also felt like I was an outsider. I'm not as close with my brother as I would like because we are quite different. The thing that really upset me was that it seemed that my mother was treated as a problem. My brother doesn't know how to deal with my mom because she is hyper and needs to know everything. It can be frustrating, but that is who she is.
At the rehearsal dinner there is a tradition that candy is thrown at the bride and groom for a sweet life and sing some songs. My mother wanted to celebrate this tradition so I made sure that gummy candy was bought, which was soft. I don't have a lot of extra money to spend, so getting this candy was not entirely in my budget. There could have been a compromise of throwing the candy in the air. Instead, the best man took the candy and hid it, so the tradition was not done. I mean there were 70 people at this dinner and probably only 50 pieces of candy. I did not know that the best man was intentionally told to take the candy till after the wedding.
On the day of the wedding, the hair and make up for my mother was done in our hotel room instead of the bridal suite. That's fine as it was not a major thing. My mom had family that could occupy the rest of the time. However, at the rehearsal dinner there were some major cock ups done by the restaurant, so my mom was trying to fix them. When my mom came to the sweet to let the mother of the bride know so she could get the refund or discount, my mom was barred from entering the room by another bridesmaid. This clearly upset my mother. After I had finished with my hair and make-up, I left the suite and never went back because I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin the day. It was about my brother and his fiance, now wife, not the petty drama.
The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception was fun. There were 2 things that made me sad during the reception. The first was the band playing, "I Will Always Love You" because it reminded me of Rose (the song lyrics are actually quite sad as it's about not being with someone you love because you aren't good for them). The second was seeing my mom looking so sad. She was being cordial and nice all weekend. She went along with the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner even though there were others that would have been nicer in my opinion. She felt rejected and that made me sad.
It is said that weddings are for the bride and her family. I'm not sure if that's an American thing or if I have a different view. I would like to plan things with my intended together. It's a day for family and celebration. While this was the happiest day for my brother and his wife, it looked to be the saddest day for my mother. She could not get home fast enough.
I know when I got home all I wanted to do was see my guy, but I don't know when that will be. I don't know if I will ever have a wedding. I'm not mad at my brother or my sister in law. I just wish things turned out differently. I know that these events even upset my dad. It takes a lot to upset him. I'm glad to be back home where I can sleep. I don't mean any offense by any of this. It's just that some drama makes me sad.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Failure
I'm not sure if I've failed or not. I mean I have a job and a place to live. I have food to eat (for now) and I supposedly have friends. However, I struggle a lot more than I probably should. I cry most of the time when I'm paying bills. I have cut expenses where I can, but I still don't have enough to live comfortably. This is part of the reason that I have no social life.
I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. Mental illnesses are still stigmatized. Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable. I still have massive amounts of debt. I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.
My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees. I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low. I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable. A problem with that is debt. Brian did school part time and worked. His debt will be a fraction of what mine is.
I still don't feel really close to anyone. I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me. Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time. I also don't really have money to have an active social life. Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.
A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids. I have no interest in buying a house. Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be. I think maybe I would like to be married. I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of. I don't know if I'll find that though.
There are days when I miss Rose. He liked the real me. I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side.
There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful. I don't feel very passionate about anything. It's still about surviving and I want something more.
I've had this blog for 3 years and it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. Mental illnesses are still stigmatized. Evil bank still exists and is making its employees miserable. I still have massive amounts of debt. I have improved a bit, but still have a long way to go.
My companion is graduating from college and he has a better sense of what to do for a job then I did when I completed either one of my degrees. I looked for jobs, but even before hourly rates were still low. I'm not looking to be rich, but just comfortable. A problem with that is debt. Brian did school part time and worked. His debt will be a fraction of what mine is.
I still don't feel really close to anyone. I want to, but no one seems to want to be close to me. Part of it is my job that takes up all of my time. I also don't really have money to have an active social life. Most of my friends have responsibilities that I will seemingly never have.
A lot of my friends are married or getting engaged, buying houses, or having kids. I have no interest in buying a house. Having kids I'm undecided because working at the pharmacy, I see what a crapshoot having a biological child can be. I think maybe I would like to be married. I like the idea of having a partnership and having someone to take care of. I don't know if I'll find that though.
There are days when I miss Rose. He liked the real me. I have kept part of myself hidden from co-workers and new friends that I made. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I never show my soft side.
There have been improvements, but I don't think I'm successful. I don't feel very passionate about anything. It's still about surviving and I want something more.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Debt
The worst part about debt is not having a social life. I don't really have money to go out and do things that involve others. I can't afford to go to the movies anymore really unless it's the discount theater. I can't really afford to go out to eat or get coffee. I have food, but a lot of it is canned or dried so that I can use it for when I don't have money (usually the summer).
I'm trying to pay things off. I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect. It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money. I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month. I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.
Overcoming a trauma is never easy. Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years. I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy. I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight. I don't like my body. I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah. I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy. As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married. I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America. I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful. I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate.
A lot of people tell me to be more positive. I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy. I'm tired of having less than nothing. All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn. Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left.
While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma. My life kind of stopped for 2 years. I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person. Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic. If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen. It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose. I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything. I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.
Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness. Mostly because they can. Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy. I'm not any of those things really. My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding. He hasn't had to be on his own yet. He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it. I wish I didn't have to care about money.
Sometimes you just need support. I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me. Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
I'm trying to pay things off. I have one credit card for my glasses that has to be paid off next month or the deferred interest takes effect. It's $260, but when you barely make enough to survive, that's a lot of money. I'm going to pay it off obviously, but it means that I will be eating pasta and tuna fish for an entire month. I'm just frustrated with the way my life is going.
Overcoming a trauma is never easy. Doesn't matter how big or small the trauma is, it takes 5 years. I'm on year 4 and this year is about stress and misanthropy. I am stressed because of finances, which is making it difficult for me to lose weight. I don't like my body. I have a pretty face, but the rest of my body is just blah. I weigh 230 lbs, have to be on metformin to prevent diabetes and am usually in some type of pain because of being so heavy. As for misanthropy, I can't relate to most people so therefore I don't like them.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't really want to have a family because I can't afford one nor do I necessarily need to be married. I don't know what I want to do for a career because what you do is basically what defines you in America. I work in pharmacy, which I enjoy but the pay disparity is awful. I don't really make enough to support myself, which is why I need a roommate.
A lot of people tell me to be more positive. I know I'll climb out of this in the long run, but in the short term my life is kinda crappy. I'm tired of having less than nothing. All the new things I get are from coupons or gift cards I earn. Most of the things I have are from my parents when they left.
While I have a decent guy, I feel like I like him more than he likes me. I'm not really beautiful and I'm still coming off a trauma. My life kind of stopped for 2 years. I know that I won't get everything I want/need from one person. Some people do and that's lucky for them, but I'm realistic. If most people got everything they needed/wanted from one person then friendships would never happen. It's because of this that there are still days when I miss Rose. I wish I still had that cheerleader that believed I could do anything. I know I should be my own, but it's difficult when your life is at the blah stage of recovery.
Sometimes I wish I could see the brighter side, but from experience there is always someone who wants to destroy the brightness. Mostly because they can. Brian is still idealistic, supported and overall healthy. I'm not any of those things really. My parents help me out a bit occasionally, but I know they are tapped out like me because of my brother's wedding. He hasn't had to be on his own yet. He doesn't look at his paycheck and realize that it's gone the second he receives it. I wish I didn't have to care about money.
Sometimes you just need support. I need an outside motivator because self motivation especially when it comes to exercise is not easy for me. Right now, I feel like a talentless, fat hag. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
The System is Broken
My companion is a politically minded guy. He is a Bernie Sanders supporter, while I am not into any candidate. I might write myself in. The point is that this system that we have right now is broken. I can attest to that because of the cost of living and healthcare.
A year ago today, I spent a few hours in crisis intervention. It has taken me a year to pay off that bill for the simple reason that they billed the wrong insurance....3 times. Now that it's fixed, I paid the balance off on my credit card which I will reimburse myself with my HSA. The thing that irks me is that healthcare is way too expensive. A blood test at the hospital should not cost $1000. That is ludicrous. In comparison with other industrialized countries, we have to pay for an ER visit. Other countries with socialized medicine on some scale is paid for by taxes and/or covered by the insurance completely. The cost of hospitals might also be the reason why Urgent Care clinics have popped up more frequently. The downside is that these clinics can't fix everything. They can't really do crisis intervention.
While I work 40 hours a week and tutor, I cannot afford my own cost of living on my own. Part of that was heavy debt from living on my own for the first time. The electric bill was the worst along with car repairs on a dying car. The car is at least 1/5th of my credit card debt. Due to all this, I don't do as many social activities as I would like. I don't go to movies anymore because it costs too much. I don't go out to bars or dinner a lot because I don't want people to pay for me. I also had to cut out fresh fish because it's too expensive.
I do plan to fix my finances in the next few years. It does take a while to pay off debt. I have gone off Pristiq, which is saving me $250 a year and I don't have to see that doctor anymore either, which is a $400 savings as well. Like I said, healthcare in this country is still too expensive. The healthcare reform act did not do enough to make healthcare affordable. I don't know how people with worse chronic health issues can afford to live.
There are still good things in my life. I just have to work at getting to them more. I have to look into free or low cost alternatives to get my social life back together. I do a lot of stuff with my companion, who doesn't mind paying. I make up for that by cooking for him and foot massages. I do have some very supportive friends as well. I'd rather just spend time with people then go out and spend money with them. I'm not really a home-body, but debt has made me one.
After getting debt in check, the last major obstacle of overcoming the trauma is getting my weight in check. Moving forward at a turtle's pace.
A year ago today, I spent a few hours in crisis intervention. It has taken me a year to pay off that bill for the simple reason that they billed the wrong insurance....3 times. Now that it's fixed, I paid the balance off on my credit card which I will reimburse myself with my HSA. The thing that irks me is that healthcare is way too expensive. A blood test at the hospital should not cost $1000. That is ludicrous. In comparison with other industrialized countries, we have to pay for an ER visit. Other countries with socialized medicine on some scale is paid for by taxes and/or covered by the insurance completely. The cost of hospitals might also be the reason why Urgent Care clinics have popped up more frequently. The downside is that these clinics can't fix everything. They can't really do crisis intervention.
While I work 40 hours a week and tutor, I cannot afford my own cost of living on my own. Part of that was heavy debt from living on my own for the first time. The electric bill was the worst along with car repairs on a dying car. The car is at least 1/5th of my credit card debt. Due to all this, I don't do as many social activities as I would like. I don't go to movies anymore because it costs too much. I don't go out to bars or dinner a lot because I don't want people to pay for me. I also had to cut out fresh fish because it's too expensive.
I do plan to fix my finances in the next few years. It does take a while to pay off debt. I have gone off Pristiq, which is saving me $250 a year and I don't have to see that doctor anymore either, which is a $400 savings as well. Like I said, healthcare in this country is still too expensive. The healthcare reform act did not do enough to make healthcare affordable. I don't know how people with worse chronic health issues can afford to live.
There are still good things in my life. I just have to work at getting to them more. I have to look into free or low cost alternatives to get my social life back together. I do a lot of stuff with my companion, who doesn't mind paying. I make up for that by cooking for him and foot massages. I do have some very supportive friends as well. I'd rather just spend time with people then go out and spend money with them. I'm not really a home-body, but debt has made me one.
After getting debt in check, the last major obstacle of overcoming the trauma is getting my weight in check. Moving forward at a turtle's pace.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Fixing Things
I've been working on fixing parts of my life. The primary focus at the moment is my health. However, I have a huge challenge there: sugar. I have a major sweet tooth, which is partially why I am so heavy. It looks like I will have to learn moderation and cut out soda. With Thyroid issues, many people crave salty foods, which can cause blood pressure issues. I've never had major cravings for salty food. I have to continue teaching myself how to eat healthy.
The other thing I have to do to fix my life is work out. Now that I'm no longer on Pristiq, I need something to keep the dopamine and norepinepherine up. I have to figure out some type of routine where I can get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise in at least 4 days a week. I also need the weight to go down because I am prediabetic. I weigh 229 pounds, which is way too high. The thinnest I ever was post high school was 178 pounds. I liked being that weight. I think that that would be a manageable healthy weight for me. Maybe I would be able to get off metformin that way or at least reduce it.
I'm starting on birth control for the first time. Not because I'm out to be a super slut, but because I'm tired of the hormone imbalance. I have facial hair that can rival a man. I am also 30 and still get acne. Aldactone, which is supposed to stop the testosterone doesn't work for me. I'm hoping that the birth control will even out some of my other aesthetic problems. We'll see how it goes. I start on that on Sunday.
Aside from my finances, which is a very slow process, the rest of my life seems pretty good. I have great friends. I have a companion who I see regularly. He is cute and nerdy, which works well for me. I know that it won't be the same with Rose, but that's ok. I'm having fun with my companion.
I think the things that are my goals to fix this year are my health and finances. Being an adult is kind of boring sometimes.
The other thing I have to do to fix my life is work out. Now that I'm no longer on Pristiq, I need something to keep the dopamine and norepinepherine up. I have to figure out some type of routine where I can get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise in at least 4 days a week. I also need the weight to go down because I am prediabetic. I weigh 229 pounds, which is way too high. The thinnest I ever was post high school was 178 pounds. I liked being that weight. I think that that would be a manageable healthy weight for me. Maybe I would be able to get off metformin that way or at least reduce it.
I'm starting on birth control for the first time. Not because I'm out to be a super slut, but because I'm tired of the hormone imbalance. I have facial hair that can rival a man. I am also 30 and still get acne. Aldactone, which is supposed to stop the testosterone doesn't work for me. I'm hoping that the birth control will even out some of my other aesthetic problems. We'll see how it goes. I start on that on Sunday.
Aside from my finances, which is a very slow process, the rest of my life seems pretty good. I have great friends. I have a companion who I see regularly. He is cute and nerdy, which works well for me. I know that it won't be the same with Rose, but that's ok. I'm having fun with my companion.
I think the things that are my goals to fix this year are my health and finances. Being an adult is kind of boring sometimes.
Friday, February 19, 2016
New Chapter
Since I called out sick today, as I have a cold, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. I figured out a few weeks ago that everything I had related to Doomsday is gone. I have a new car as the car I drove at that time was auctioned off for parts. The phone I had is now in a drawer with a shattered screen. Even the sweater I wore on that day is gone. It was a brown and gold sweater, which I loved, but it got too big for me, so I donated it. I don't have a lot of the friends I had either.
This new chapter in my life has a new car, phone, wardrobe and companion. It also has about $80k in debt. A majority of that is student loans. A bit of it is medical debt, car loan and then finally credit cards. The medical debt stresses me out more than the credit cards because I shouldn't have that kind of debt. I also have to add more money to my credit card debt to make it to my brother's wedding as a round trip flight will cost about $375, which is going to add to the debt.
I know that I will be able to pay all these things off eventually. In the present, it's very overwhelming to know that all your pays goes to bills. I've had to cut out movies, vacations, pedicures, eating lamb and fish, and alcohol all because of debt. Not that being at the bank would solve this. I switched careers and it will take me another 2 years to reach a living wage in my state.
I have paid off 2 out of the 6 of my credit cards because last summer I had to live off them and pay for things on my old car. I know that I'm never going to be rich. While I have a graduate degree, it hasn't turned into a career because for history, you pretty much need a PhD and have to wait for someone to die.
While I am starting a new chapter of my life, it's starting with a heavy financial burden. I can attack it slowly. I know that this will effect my credit score, but I also don't intend to buy a house ever. I just wish it was easier for me, so that I could enjoy my life more now that I'm better.
This new chapter in my life has a new car, phone, wardrobe and companion. It also has about $80k in debt. A majority of that is student loans. A bit of it is medical debt, car loan and then finally credit cards. The medical debt stresses me out more than the credit cards because I shouldn't have that kind of debt. I also have to add more money to my credit card debt to make it to my brother's wedding as a round trip flight will cost about $375, which is going to add to the debt.
I know that I will be able to pay all these things off eventually. In the present, it's very overwhelming to know that all your pays goes to bills. I've had to cut out movies, vacations, pedicures, eating lamb and fish, and alcohol all because of debt. Not that being at the bank would solve this. I switched careers and it will take me another 2 years to reach a living wage in my state.
I have paid off 2 out of the 6 of my credit cards because last summer I had to live off them and pay for things on my old car. I know that I'm never going to be rich. While I have a graduate degree, it hasn't turned into a career because for history, you pretty much need a PhD and have to wait for someone to die.
While I am starting a new chapter of my life, it's starting with a heavy financial burden. I can attack it slowly. I know that this will effect my credit score, but I also don't intend to buy a house ever. I just wish it was easier for me, so that I could enjoy my life more now that I'm better.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Three Years Later
My life changed three years ago today. I refer to it as Doomsday. I'm not going to talk about the event itself because part of it is still too painful to talk about. I still haven't given the full details to my companion. The consequences of the event were a loss of 2 years due to depression and several friends. I do not want to dwell on the bad, I want to focus on what I've accomplished. I am definitely a survivor and plan to make my story matter.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
In the last year, I redid my wellness plan with a focus on being more social and physical health. I succeeded on the former, not so much on the latter. At the suggestion of my friend/cousin, Krystina, I joined Fetlife, which is social network for kinky people (sorry mom). I met some interesting people and started to become more confident in myself. I don't necessarily like the way I look all the time, but I met someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. His name is Brian and he's my companion. He's a bit out of my type, but my type has not worked for me in the past. Brian is smart, snarky and sexy. The best part about him is that he brings out a part of the old me. I'm playful with him. He makes me kinder.
There are days that I still miss Rose and wish that I could talk to him about things. We had a very open and honest relationship right up until Doomsday. I guess that's part of his Bipolar Disorder. I know that he's never coming back. That's his loss because I am fantastic. I am doing fairly well at my job. I'm slowly getting myself out of debt, medical first, then credit cards. I am a loyal friend, but sometimes I do not get the same loyalty in return.
As for my health, my APRN and I decided that since I've been on Pristiq for 2 years and am doing so well, I can try to go off the antidepressant. I'm starting that today. It will take me a 2 week process to go off the medication and then I will see what my mood is off the medication. I do have to exercise 4 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and have to keep taking my supplements, especially the methylfolate. Next step is fix my hormones and weight.
Another interesting thing about this year has been that I have started to develop a better relationship with my brother. I think part of that has to do with his fiance and that he is more grounded. My brother is a good person and I wish that I could see him more. I hope that one day he can teach me Krav Maga.
As of right now, aside from my debt worries, my life is pretty good. I hope that it will stay this way for a while.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
First Snow, First Frustration
We had the first snow storm of the winter. It wasn't too terrible as I was at work. I was able to get some projects worked on as many people stayed home. Driving home from work was not fun at all. However, I survived it by staying calm and driving slow to keep myself safe. The Downside of a snow storm, which causes cancellations is that I have too much time to think.
While I get stronger everyday emotionally from my trauma, I still have some minor setbacks and symptoms. I am still insecure about relationships. Aside from my family who is stuck with me, I know that any type of relationship can end in an instant. Sometimes I don't understand why people are distant. Logically, I understand that people are busy with work/school and other obligations. Emotionally, I think, the depression makes me believe that I am being ignored and that I'm unwanted.
I do need the communication. The logical and emotional parts of my brain, my soul are not jiving. What I know and what I feel are still two different things. I like that guy that I'm seeing now. He is kind, nerdy and weird. I do like him a lot. Part of it is still me and Rose. I'm unsure of my companion because we are still learning about each other. At this stage, I need reassurance. I need to know that someone is in it with me.
I miss my friends. A lot of them are getting engaged, married, buying houses and having families. I think I might be the only one who thinks that friendship is still important. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to. Part of that is scheduling and part of that is me being a bit distant. This goal is going to be the hardest goal to achieve.
On a side note, my brother is getting married. I have been thinking about what I would do for my own wedding. I know that a song I would choose for either the father-daughter dance or the bride and groom's first dance would be, "As the World Falls Down" by David Bowie. Probably due to the lyrics and the fact that it takes place in the ballroom masque dream in Labyrinth. I miss David Bowie.
While I get stronger everyday emotionally from my trauma, I still have some minor setbacks and symptoms. I am still insecure about relationships. Aside from my family who is stuck with me, I know that any type of relationship can end in an instant. Sometimes I don't understand why people are distant. Logically, I understand that people are busy with work/school and other obligations. Emotionally, I think, the depression makes me believe that I am being ignored and that I'm unwanted.
I do need the communication. The logical and emotional parts of my brain, my soul are not jiving. What I know and what I feel are still two different things. I like that guy that I'm seeing now. He is kind, nerdy and weird. I do like him a lot. Part of it is still me and Rose. I'm unsure of my companion because we are still learning about each other. At this stage, I need reassurance. I need to know that someone is in it with me.
I miss my friends. A lot of them are getting engaged, married, buying houses and having families. I think I might be the only one who thinks that friendship is still important. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to. Part of that is scheduling and part of that is me being a bit distant. This goal is going to be the hardest goal to achieve.
On a side note, my brother is getting married. I have been thinking about what I would do for my own wedding. I know that a song I would choose for either the father-daughter dance or the bride and groom's first dance would be, "As the World Falls Down" by David Bowie. Probably due to the lyrics and the fact that it takes place in the ballroom masque dream in Labyrinth. I miss David Bowie.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
A Little Less Magic
This past week has been a bit rough because two of my childhood loves have died: Alan Rickman and David Bowie. With their passings, a little bit of magic has gone out of the world. Art and artists are what makes life more amazing. They teach us more about ourselves and help us to appreciate the universe.
I always adored Alan Rickman. I was aware of him a long time before he was Snape in Harry Potter. I would watch Sense and Sensibility because I fell in love with him as Colonel Brandon. An older gentleman, who is cultured, devoted and refined is never a bad thing. He might also be a reason why I generally prefer older men. I also greatly enjoyed Rickman as Alexander Dane in Galaxy Quest, which is a Star Trek spoof. He was charmingly English and quite witty. I will greatly miss seeing him in future films.
As for David Bowie, I always saw him as Jareth from Labyrinth. He seemed otherworldly and ethereal in that film. Bowie was always ethereal, but the movie nailed what he embodied. I know from watching that movie that I would have chosen Jareth over a baby brother any day. Then again, I'm a terrible person. I had a great respect for all of Bowie's incarnations and songs. His music always makes me happy because it's weird and I'm weird. An artist was lost whom I had a great respect for.
I am truly heartbroken at their loss, but we've only lost their bodies. We haven't lost the art that they have given the world. As long as we remember them and what they did, they live on. They deserve to live on.
I always adored Alan Rickman. I was aware of him a long time before he was Snape in Harry Potter. I would watch Sense and Sensibility because I fell in love with him as Colonel Brandon. An older gentleman, who is cultured, devoted and refined is never a bad thing. He might also be a reason why I generally prefer older men. I also greatly enjoyed Rickman as Alexander Dane in Galaxy Quest, which is a Star Trek spoof. He was charmingly English and quite witty. I will greatly miss seeing him in future films.
As for David Bowie, I always saw him as Jareth from Labyrinth. He seemed otherworldly and ethereal in that film. Bowie was always ethereal, but the movie nailed what he embodied. I know from watching that movie that I would have chosen Jareth over a baby brother any day. Then again, I'm a terrible person. I had a great respect for all of Bowie's incarnations and songs. His music always makes me happy because it's weird and I'm weird. An artist was lost whom I had a great respect for.
I am truly heartbroken at their loss, but we've only lost their bodies. We haven't lost the art that they have given the world. As long as we remember them and what they did, they live on. They deserve to live on.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Letting Go
It's a new year. This will be three years since Doomsday and I'm letting him go. It makes me sad because if something can be remembered it can come back, but humans are stubborn creatures. It might be a sign of strength, but truth is that I still miss him. I miss all the people that were the casualties of that event. Life eventually gets filled with different people and activities, but you also realize that you can't be the person you were before.
Used To Love You Lyrics
Lyrics taken from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/gwen-stefani-lyrics/used-to-love-you-lyrics.html" rel="nofollow">this page</a>
GWEN STEFANI
Used To Love You Lyrics
Yeah, boy
Never thought this would happen
I let it sink in, you're gone
I don't know, know what I'm feeling
I must be dreaming, you're gone
Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Are you gone?
There were no boundaries
What, you just pushed me too far
I guess nobody taught you
Nobody taught you how to love
Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me more, oh
You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
Now look at what you lost, oh
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't
Never thought this would happen
I let it sink in, you're gone
I don't know, know what I'm feeling
I must be dreaming, you're gone
Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Are you gone?
There were no boundaries
What, you just pushed me too far
I guess nobody taught you
Nobody taught you how to love
Suitcase, band-aids
Pulling back out the driveway
You go, I'll stay
You can keep all the memories
I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me more, oh
You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you
Now look at what you lost, oh
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh
I used to love you
I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I cry
I don't, I don't, I don't
I don't know why I used to love you
I don't, I don't, I don't
Lyrics taken from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/gwen-stefani-lyrics/used-to-love-you-lyrics.html" rel="nofollow">this page</a>
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